MOUSE & The TASK-BAR

These energy & time consuming tasks had me glued to a hell lot of troubleshooting drill - making me wonder-wander in panic attacks, trying to get hold of & make it work, sort it out & settle down.

OK how do I start, now, where do I start it all from. Well. Last two days have been quite irritating for me, it had made me quite sad. I was trying to work on my laptop, with all the necessary leftover options coming to my rescue. It's been some months, I don't know how come, and why, my touch-pad/track-pad mouse substitute(pointing device) vanishes & disappears from the screen - it's somewhere off the screen - blinking-winking(I hope so)but no idea where it'll be(sinking)having no tail to catch hold of & having left no trails of its whereabouts whatsoever left - might just get difficult. Maybe its tactile sensors are not translating the motion and position of my fingers, transferring its relative position (output) to the screen.

Suddenly in between for a while, I would see it there(appear) & the next moment it would be gone with the wind. I’ve just manage to finish off & do away with what I was working. Hitting the esc button, once or more, along with some key hitting on to its inbuilt keyboard, keypad & fingering & scrolling touch pad seems to have solved the issue as of now. Meanwhile in my attempt to address the issue which reappears in the middle of nowhere, now & then...I often ask to my self - I shall be relieved - when? 

Now, I could not see my task-bar(movable, concealable icon bar that is set on the very edge of the graphical user interface (GUI) desktop serving as a launching pad for applications as well as a holder for icons indicating running programs) I wondered, if by any chance, the taskbar got itself positioned - secretively hidden(auto-hide) being placed at the bottom of the screen(portions of the desktop) or got repositioned to the top, left or right - removed from observation, covered or kept from sight. Why it had to play - pretending-preventing or avoid disclosing or divulging. What was it so afraid of, in its frightful fright? I would always make sure though to have it safely locked in a place, so I never had to run to chase. Astonished to the sight, & irritated with the plight, I turned down my system & turned it back on - a number of times, after trying to check & reset & change the default settings - finding in the task-bar options (help)and control panel and figuring out ways to resolve the issues. After having successfully witnessed the taskbar back with a start button holding its place. still there were quick launch & icons representing running applications - toggle buttons missing, that were supposed to be there in routine. I could not see the clock, calendar & volume control on the notification area either, though I had managed to somehow miraculously get hold of, along with other pinned in shortcuts for everything else! I could have however over come the disadvantage of the missing task-bar with windows key coming to help, though it became little stupid, using the alt-tab key’s for peeking in the windows open(tasks). I was not much perturbed with the fact, though things were running as they had too, but then suddenly something happened and luckily, I got my task-bar back in its full form & glory (with everything on it as it was meant to be). Now I don't even remember how and what of getting it back...never-mind!

I mean I was happy (thrilled would be the precise word though) that I did not had to take my laptop to the vendor for something as silly as this.

As of now the task-bar is working fine(seems to be) and so is the mouse, I guess I need to give my laptop a little rest now, else I would be seeing a lot of things missing here & there (disappearing) & eventually not working! sigh! It's like everyone should be imparted with this technical knowledge about troubleshooting one's system, else would be difficult for anyone, everyone, facing such technically challenged intricacies, and crying out for help! - these gadget's I tell you. God I only know, how all terrific of thing's I’ve witnessed lately! May it be tablet, mobile, PC, laptop & so on! For the ones who have stopped completely - may they rest in peace, & for the ones which still work in bits & pieces, might just get well soon.

Happens all the time with me, I guess - I am used to it by now!

Interestingly, here comes the task-bar & sadly, here goes the mouse once again. I guess they aren't friends & either one of it seems to be deliberately wanting the other one to go away so they could possibly take turns or happily stay for a while - making me having to struggle to sort things out. They seem to be attention seekers, trying to commit felony - in there deliberate attempt to pester me (with there intentions so malice) with their ulterior motive being to have me engaged somehow through. Calibrating the task-bar or getting hold of mouse nuances aint a easy job - it seldom is a painstaking task that puts one behind a lot of trouble to deal with. I always keep a mouse handy & you never know, when the taskbar runs out - but then I have my ways to deal with it. Its difficult getting hold of either one of it & see it appear & disappear at its own sweet will. They’ll be hanging in there, or completely get killed, good for me, I never lose patience so easily - I too am a strong willed. 

Trying to get it back with a tricky act, it was not here to stay, it just came for a moment & then fled away! How use to, we get of things, & not seeing them, makes us worry in annoyance - something ain't right. There had to be limits to tolerance(tell me about it) - heights!

I guess all is well that end's well, if everything had been going smoothly, would I have a story to tell? - Anonymous

The LOVE-ADMIRER

The elusive nature of love... it can be such a fleeting thing. You see it there and it's just fluttering and it's gone. Mick Jagger

What if I could love everyone in my phone directory or friend list and get love in return. I mean that’s the least I could expect in anticipation & in case its not returned back, no harm done - It was always about giving unconditionally. Do we always need to have reasons to do things? 

It's not my love or your love - It's something way beyond.

Now if you ask me, i’ll tell you about people who would ask me really weird & witty questions on a serious note. A possible reciprocation or say the most anticipated one to“I love you”was - “I love you too”. Now if someone asked “why do you love me?”- That’s going to be a little difficult to answer. Do we often meant what we say? We could possibly have a variety of lame answers in revert, but have we ever thought how hard it was in totality & in reality to answer something that thoughtful? Well, I’ve ended up asking to my own self at times - why would I love someone & why would someone love me? What it might need or was required to actually get qualified to love or to be loved. Was it the admiration of things or people, that made us fall in love with? Something, that we never had in us & we were always on a lookout for. At the same time, it could be things that existed, but required an admirer who could appreciate and reciprocate mutually likewise. One of the reasons to love someone was to get loved in return & it was not only about physical endurance that one was likely to address but, it was about emotional & mental as well. The whole sharing & caring that underwent addressing-dressing the so called love, fondness and likeness.

Sometimes, its not just like that, I mean if you sincerely feel you love, you love. Most of the time, its just an infatuation, that carries you, which grows. I agree that you don't often get in return the same kind of love. Now this is the point, where the differentiation of love starts to come in & bring about these limits from person to person or things. While I’ve always lived believing that nothing ever could possibly grow unconditionally & until & unless you had conditions that are being fulfilled from both sides, it was hard to witness a condition, where love could mutually be united & existed parallel in complete oneness. There were so many attributes from one person to another,that often made me realized, when it came to love few or many at the same time. How could you possibly end up loving one person or a thing at a time. Well I’ve always believed it to be somewhat irrelevantly false. Love was meant to grow, cant be restrictive to a thing or two - a person or few.

Why it has to be all so complicated? lets make it easy. 

We are often caught up into acceptance & denials of lateral thinking. I mean how less or more are the times when you can actually say this three letter word. You don't need to be bias on any grounds. Why don't we feel comfortable enough telling anyone, random, stranger or someone - I Love You! "It would absolutely be so wonderful"

I’ve come across people who say "please don't talk about love or don't fall in love” why shouldn't I ? If I do, I do! If you cant that's your problem & for whatever reasons (whatever happened in your past, was your experience) I am not going to withhold my decision of loving you in fondness or likeness or talking about it. You could be strange to the whole falling in love again syndrome, but I’ll keep doing what I need to - I’ll be more then willing to love you possibly if I would get it in return with intentions clear & pure - “It's not how you love - its who you love.”it ain't nothing that guarantees anything in life. It's our choice who we accept and what we expect - its all about making things work. 

With so much hatred around - No one has ever been happy with no love, What good it be?

You need guts - whether it was about saying“I love you" or “I hate you.”There are few however - who don't care’& to them nothing hardly matters, but to others - it could mean a world & there world shatters. It not always reciprocates in the same way. We need to be patient & wait for it to come. I have lived so far witnessing, people loving me and hating me. We all are the culprits to blame. Love & hatred has its own handful of peculiar thoughtful in perception - both can grow, fade, diminish, live or die forever or come back or en route to its viciousness in a conclusive or dramatic way to let know the fondness or hatred(fuck you). I’ve learned my part of being choosy with which ones to keep or to do away with as much as others have. 

Try a simple thing! - make a list of people & things, that mean a world to you, or maybe the ones, who are there around you or far, the ones you cant do without or do away with. If you cant go about yelling or in whispers - telling everyone you love little or more, make it a point they hear you(feel) in ways you confide, confront or comfort them. You’ll probably end up being loved. 

Long back, I made several attempts through and through at times more then once to let the other person know, that I had this fondness for & possibly could fall in love and be friends with. They were random people altogether at different phases of my life. It was later, that I realized, few of them were mere infatuations and others just couldn't reciprocate in the same way. I admired them for reasons whatsoever, but it didn't worked. At times they often felt offended, not interested or least bothered. I still at times let people know, that I might admire them or would go about doing anything just to have them. But I guess, I need to stop doing that anymore. As much as I would want to, I wont get trapped by this infatuation to any admiration anymore. 

Are you being admired or being loved & admiring & loving or you are hating & being hated? - Anonymous

THIS & THAT

I was continuously tossing into the air and trying to catch so as to keep at least one in the air while handling the others. I juggled in a frantic blur, distraught with fear, anxiety & emotions in a tizzy trying to cope with by adroitly balancing & organizing in my frantic attempts to resuscitate these ‘endless impressions of ‘this & that’ which seem to be invading & creating a chaos in my head. 

I was shaken & stirred, going in circles of motion-commotion - hopefully believing it eventually to rescue, leaving my mind spotless or completely erased at the end with a sorted amend. I was still finding it difficult to come back to my senses - come back to life. Panicky & berserk - all worked up, I was perspiring’ly wet, het up & fevered - feverish in a cold sweat. Turning into a swivel-eyed after being in a flat spin. It seemed as if I would any soon be tearing my hair out. 

Thoughts have a funny & weird way of traveling from one agenda to another, while you are awaken or slept. They would hibernate for a while - hidden, and pop-up just like that having your head forcefully ridden. Things had planned a way out to keep my mind busy, shifting from one irrelevant thought process to another - it hardly mattered. I don't know, I am not sure if I've been day dreaming or not, but one thing I was certain about & that was - I wasn't liking this mood swing - that had got into me all by itself. My head wasn't an empty vessel or a barrel but still made most noises - spoke the most loudest & I didn't liked the sound of it. It wasn't empty either, so how could it possibly be a home to devil with the least talent & knowledge? I could feel there was something ignorantly evil about it which created the fuss, deliberately trying to discredit me with its self opinionated of opinions, making its presence felt. Hypnotized by these thought provoking - alarming yet ghostly of things so talkative in volumes those went around-came around at its sweet will staying for a while. I was telling myself ‘all is well’ when nothing was. I wasn't at peace & couldn't contain anymore. When would it finally stop to follow & go away leaving my head hollow? 

Dreams or no dreams, the thought process of varied interests had already engrossed my head. I was forced to remember about things I’ve witnessed or the ones that were hung somewhere in between still feeding my soul. From nuances of a day to day life & the chore-full of activities, the choicest of your prioritized of things & others (seldom pending) those fled away with wings. My head was turning into a wanderer - wondering...why me? Clinging on to these episodes without any reason. If only I could go blank & could stop thinking. Whatever space I was left with, was by now crowd’y - haunted, traumatized by ‘this & that’ so rowdy. My head was a host to these random flashbacks of people, places, conversations, memories & things in extreme - the real, virtual, imaginary, reel & the surreal. I was thinking without the thinking hats on. it got even worse, when I failed to get answers for what happened wrong? I tried figuring but had already lost my patience - with an acquaintance-strangled, being strangely-entangled.

From a sleepless night to a overslept fright, I was awakened to this head aching fight. In my utter drowsiness of sleep, I was about to weep - unless I had a pain killer I wasn't getting relieved or going back to sleep. I had to get rescued from the clutches. This & that had by now silently crept - stood there staring at me, while I wept. I was exhausted waiting for it to get sorted. I had nothing else to do, there was no one, I could turn to & tell who? I tossed & turned trying to combat, my senses bombarded with ‘this & that.’My heart was sending signals to my brain, but in vein. I wanted it all to drain - I was in pain.

These self urges & promises to oneself & life long commitments to people & things made, anticipating & acknowledging the few courteous ones laid. I often start & end up thinking about ‘how much time I got at my disposal & whether I’ve done what all I’ve  ever dreamt of? & while I would sit & build up my bucket list of needily desired, striking off the unwanted - it would every time, at the end disappear slipping-away. I was least bothered - I am not sure if I actually wanted to have one.

Let me get hold of a quick start manual to pursue some likely healthy options and habits that could boost me up, & while I decide to follow it from tomorrow (which never comes), I am still trying to give myself more reasons to abide by. As of now, I have other things beside me to take care about or look after, everything else can wait thereafter. I hope one fine day things would definitively make their way. 

“As far as this & that is concerned, let it doodle. I hopefully will find answers - for everything else there is Google.”- Anonymous

YESTERDAY & TODAY

येस्टर्डे एंड  टुडे

दिन कुछ ऐसे गुज़रा

कल बिजली नहीं थी, मानो ज़िंदगी थम सी गयी हो. बारिश भी खूब हो रही है. कुछ भी करने का मन नहीं हो रहा था. सोचा समय का सदउपयोग किया जाये, सफ़ाई कर ली जाए. झाड़ू पोचे और सफ़ाई अभियान के अंतर्गत तमाम ताम झाम के मोईने के बाद, थक गया था. चलते, फिरते, घूमते, झूमते -  इस उठक बेठक के बाद सोचा थोड़ा आराम कर लिया जाए. यूँ ही ज़हन मैं अचानक कहीं से ये गीत आया और में गुन गुनाने लगा - "मुझे कोई मिल गया था सरे राह चलते चलते...मुझे कोई"... और मैं ठोड़ी देर के लिए सो गया. कब शाम हो गयी पता ही नहीं चला.

खली पेट भजन ना होए गोपाला, "गोपाला गोपाला, मेरे प्यारे गोपाला". भूख लग रही थी, पेट में चूहे कूद रहे थे. खुद से खूब विचार विमर्श क्व्र्ने के बाद डिसिजन लिया की आज बाहर से खाना मँगवाया जाये. बड़े दिन हो चुके थे साउथ इंडियन खाए, तो सोचा आज खुद को किचन से और किचन को खुद से आराम दीया जाए और सागर रत्ना से डोसा ओर्डर कर लिया जाये. महंगा ही सही, कोन्सा रोज़ रोज़ होता है.

"ठंडी हवाएँ लहरा के आयें...ठंडी हवाएँ". शुकर है लाइट आ चुकी थी, और मैं एयर कंडिशनर के नीचे रिमोट से खेलते हुए सोच रहा था, गर्मी का मौसम है और अगर एयर कंडिशनर यूँ ही चलता रहा तो बिजली का बिल खूब आयेगा...बिजलि रही तो. आज ज़्यादा चला है, अब मुझे रिमोट छुपा कर रख देना चाहिए. या सेल निकाल कर. अब संभल कर चलाऊँगा. आज खाने का भी महँगा ओर्डर किया है, बचे कूचे से पेट भर लिया जायेगा एक आद या दो दिन. हो जाएगी गुज़र बसर.

जगजीत सिंह की गायी ग़ज़ल याद आ गयी - "दिल-ए-नादाँ तुझे हुआ क्या है, आख़िर ईस दर्द की दवा क्या है. मैं भी मुह में ज़बान रखता हूँ, काश पूछो की मुद्दा क्या है".

बिजली के बिल और खर्च की चिंता, गर्मी और बारिश से परेशान - ज़िंदगी की जगतो जहत्‌ में उलझा, घबराया मन. सुलगा, गीला तन.

अचानक अंदर से मानो आवाज़ आई - क्यों व्यर्थ चिंतन कर रहे हो, कुछ लेते क्यों नहीं? फ़िर क्या था -  दिल सोच ही बैठा फ़िर से, कह ही दाला खुद से - आज कुछ मीठा हो जाए.  बड़े कदम फ्रिज की और मानो कोई डोर खींच रही हो. आइस-क्रीम पिंगल चुकी थी, जिसको में मिल्क शेक समझ कर गटक गया. एसी बंद है, पंखे के नीचे हूँ, खाने की डिलिवरी के इंतज़ार में कान खोल कर, घंटी की आवाज़ सुनने को बेकरार बेताब बैठा. मेज़ पर बर्तन सजा दालें हैं, पैसों के खुले चिलर और नॉट टटोल ही रहा था की बज़ी घंटी. दरवाज़े की और कदम बड़ाए, मन ही मन मुस्कुराए, तसबुर्रे इन्तेज़ार में जो थे मस्रूफ, भूख से थे जो महरूम पल अब खड़े झुन झुनाए. मानो  अनगिनत कलियां खिल गई हों. उल्लसित उमंग से परिपूर्ण उत्तेजित बेठक लगाए, नज़रें गड़ाए - खोल पिटारा फकीरा तेरा भोजन आए. दिल ललचाए, अब रहा ना जाए. खाते खाते सकूँ इस दिल को आए. मानो जान में जान आई. पेट भर चुका था, कुछ ज़्यादा ही खा लिया शायद, अब मैं एक छोटी सी वाल्क को निकला जाए.

कानों पर ईअरफोन लगाए - "डीजे वाले बाबू मेरा गाना बजा दे".

बारिश के बाद मौसम हसीन गमगीन हो चुका था, गीली सड़कें और वह मिट्टी की भीनी भीनी खुशबू, मानो कोई जादू सा, अरमां दिल मैं जगाए. नयी पुरानी अनगिनत बातें, चिंतन से हुईं नमकीन आंखें, संजीदा उदास और व्यंग से परिपूर्ण ओतप्रोत नत्क्खट कह्कहे, हँसी ठिठोली दिल में सजाए. कुछ देर घूमने के बाद, कदम वापिस घर की और हो लिए.

ठोड़ी देर इंटरनेट पर वक़्त बिताया. लैपटॉप पर कुछ काम किया 

रात हो चुकी थी. फ़िर एक नयी सी सपनों भरी दुनिया में खोने को तैयार, बिस्तर पर जाने से पहले कूलर को उस रुम से इस रुम मैं लाया, पानी भरा, जो बाहर गिरा उसको साफ़ किया. शरीर जैसे बिस्तर को देख कर ही मानो थका और चूर महसूस कर रहा हो. शरीर जवाब दे चुका था पर दिमाग  उँगलियों पर कुछ हिसाब किताब अभी भी जारी था.  और बस कुछ देर भर की ही बात थी, की आंखें बंद हो रहीं थी.

आज भी आधा दिन कुछ ऐसे ही गुज़रा, बारिश और बिना बिजली के. बारिश अभी भी बरस रही थी. बारिश और तूफ़ान की वजह से पोल की तार हिल गई थी. दो घंटे लगभग लगे होंगे ठीक होने में. चाय बना कर पिलायी मैंने उन तीन लोगों को जो कम्प्लेन्ट करने पर वाईरिंग ठीक करने आए थे.

पानी पानी हो रखा था सब जगह,घर के बाहर और घर के अंदर. मैं वाइपर लेकर लग गया सफ़ाई में. सुबह से दोपहर हो चली थी और अभी तक पेट मैं भी कुछ गया नही था. भूख और प्यास लग रही थी.  एनर्जी ड्रिंक (कोल्ड कॉफ़ी) पी ली है  और थोड़ी बना के रख दी है फ्रिज मैं. नहा लिया और सोचा कल की सामबर और चटनी पड़ी है, इडली बना ली जाए. वोही बची कूची रात को डिनर में इस्तेमाल हो जायेगी.

ऑनलाइन बेठ कर कुछ चीज़ें चेक कर रहा था और जो पैकेट डिलिवर होने थे उनका इंतज़ार. आधे घंटे पहले ही एक पार्सल डिलिवर हुआ था (ऑनलाइन शॉपिंग) वोही खोल कर देख रहा था, अभी और आने बाकी हैं. एक वापिस चला गया आज क्योंकि मैं फोन नहीं उठा पाया और ना ही कॉनफर्मेशन मेसेज देख पाया क्योंकि फोन किचन में रह गया. बेशक ज़िंदगी ना मिले दुबारा और ना ही पिज़ा डिलिवरी की हाल्फ आवर गारंटी हो, और पिज़ा लेट आने पर भी कुछ हाथ ना आए पर पार्सल ज़रूर आयेगा दुबारा.

आज बेसन के लड्डू भी बनाए. आज भी याद है मम्मी कुछ ना कुछ मीठा ज़रूर बनाया कार्ति थी.

अच्छा है आदत सी हो गयी है अब फैन में रहने की और कूलर एक रुम से दूसरे रुम घुमाते हुए और कम से कम बिजली का इस्तेमाल करते हुए, सोलर लाइट का सदुपयोग करते हुए गुज़र बसर करने की. पर कभी कभी फ्रिज को खोलता हूँ तो एयर कंडिशनर की बड़ी याद आती है.

बिजली के बिल यक़ीनन कम आते हैं. - Anonymous

"मैंने माना की कुछ नहीं गालिब, मुफ़्त हाथ आए तो बुरा क्या है. सबज़ा-ओ-गुल कहाँ से आए हैं, अब्र क्या चीज़ है हवा क्या है" -  मिर्ज़ा गालिब