Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I, Me, We, Us & They - My WORLD

Writing My First Story. Lemme start with Me, Myself - I am a simple sweet guy from a small town who's life is very simple Living in a 3BHK house (as I call it) with mom dad and my big bro.

I have this simplest father in the whole world and the sweetest mom (but for me every mom is the sweetest to his child). And my big bro who also treats me as a child (big daddy - matlab baap ka bhi baap). We were like the sweetest family that anyone may have seen,or we were like four kids in our own world. (Yes people say it right childhood is the best time in your life. "No worries,No tensions, No Love/Relation & all the more No break ups , with no negative thoughts for anyone, or with yourself. Just and simple happy sweet little life can be).

All families have problems, but as I see most of that are for property and money. We are human and humans heart are easily poisoned. Family Drama started related to property and money.
I don't know why but from that day my family thoughts were changed & there emotions changed.

I was still a little guy then but all those things, I understood, still remained the same. I don't know how and why, maybe , because at that time I was a kid who could not , would not feel the same what my Parents and my bro did.

Somethings have changed till now, & I hate that. I hate that feeling of my Parents not being themselves. Yes from the very beginning I was not understood by my Parents or by my Bro. Whatever I wanted I never got ,Whatever I felt was wrong was forced on to me. I seriously did not knew what and how to think straight & rationally at that given point of time. Is it for my good or bad - Whichever way it was and however it was meant to be.
But those things somehow took away myself from my family.

"F.R.I.E.N.D.S "Remember this word. You all know about the Television series named F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Yeah! Somehow in my mind I wanted my friends to be like those characters who fight & love each other but cant live without each other. I know , Its a virtual world , Non of that is true. But the feeling of having such nice friends was always in my mind and heart, which never happened.

All friends which I got or came across my life were so selfish & controlled freaks. But somehow now I am relieved & happy that those guys or gals are not in my life. At present,only have two 2 girl friends in my life and one boyfriend. But life had again started to play tricks with me, and somehow I am loosing them, as much are they loosing me(my2girlfriends) going far from me. I don't know, whats wrong in me or whats going wrong. But yes I feel alone at many stages, phases, & aspects of the of my life.

"Love" is a great feeling - a new life. a new world. For me love is everything. Has once loved someone so blindly that In the End I was lost. My first love was a disaster in all respect. Loved someone even at ones darkest time, being committed and being loyal, but Sometime a big slap on your face is waiting for you & you are least aware that you are the one who is on pity.

I do believe in Love and will continue to. But that 3 years falling had changed me in a very bad way. I have become more and more possessive and more insecure. Always thinking, praying to God - Not again , not again.

Because I know "I'll be broken I'll be gone If it was the betrayal once more that proved me wrong"

Yes, I am committed once again, with the most pure soul,I love that person and will love till the end that's all I know. I wish I really have met him way back. My partner is mature in his thoughts and his beliefs. Yes, in the beginning was hard for me to jell-up or to understand. But now That days have passed on by, I understand trying to change things only for the one.

At present I only have this one person in my life. My Family My friend My love. I know there are many flaws in me too,I'm not perfect either, but I'm trying to change those negative flaws.
and yes, if I break this time,will ask my God to never make me human again ever, because Inside I am am a kid. I need love I need someone to share my feelings. I am a KID who is just little afraid of losing things.

This is my life story,many people have come and gone. Me only sticking to the ONE. Will be waiting and watching & experiencing, & acknowledge' what Life has to show and teach. - Anonymous

Staying Quietly - By Myself/MySide

I am going to tell you & speak out what's going in my head, and how is it what I am feeling, & I am sure it's going to be there for real long, I am not sounding negative or something, but it's that, I am kind of more then at ease being just myself, all by myself, & at peace with all the stuff that goes inside-out of my head' with much time just being busy with me, or being free, working & sleeping more hours then I actually did for a longer time now' It's like I want to rest and relax, carrying on the tasks that I am supposed to being one of the being, no matter for good or worse ,as destined as an obligation or necessity to live. I am so at ease being just with me,being by my side. I guess I have adjusted to the chores & chaos of my mental, physical & emotional attributes. I am not the only one complaining, but if I did' I would rather keep it to myself, & Nothing more then my very own self understands who & what & how I am. I might not be mingling much, or talking much, interacting with' but all I know, when I close my eyes, knowing that I came & i have to go' makes me realize of the lot of things & people I have lost' they stood as my very own, & few stand beside me' if I need them, as much as they need me, & I promise I shall be there. But as of now, for now, I just need to be at peace with myself within and out. My soul wants to rest in peace now & forever' as long as I live, & after that. I guess it be a phase for long, and a syndrome I would be abiding by'. I am just not being selfish or negate anything' its only that I need to live & die, as I am, who I am, how I am. Me , myself as a whole. I would rather be quiet, and not speak much about anything, nor would my emotions come out straight from the heart as they used to, person to person. It's not one of those mood swings, that I have come across in a life span, It's just being at ease with the way i want it to be. I might be the strongest & the weakest more often, trying to adjust like always' as I have been, but I ain't sorrowful for the very fact, about the soul that is troubled & happy at the same time' with loads of things going in Life. You are the best person to your own self, when it comes to judging, anticipating, reciprocating, or coming to a realization whatsoever. & I am here doing my bit. I hope you understand that, & don't fall apart taking me wrong. Let me enjoy & take it easy to the core, in the best & the worst, by myself.

I still try to Communicate as much I could possibly do, whenever I can, so I am not "Finger on my Lips" all the time! - Limit is what binds you' for else, you could get carried away and pressurize yourself to the utmost difficult condition of getting irritated & perturbed - Anonymous.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Court,Courtyard-THE ENCLOSED SPACE

Ah! be gracious, tenderly relenting, Take not back thy gifts with churlish hand; Let the breath of thy serene consenting, Falter through the weary land.

Eventually It passed by' for its been some days now, that had me emotionally tortured - a turmoil state of my attention seeking perturbed mixed feelings of a still & lifeless me, not letting me sleep & making me all the more depressingly anxiously surrounded in a syndrome of nervousness of all the negates - ills & odds of the situational hazards.

Fingers crossed with the nervousness, and things and people trying to make me bright & shinny, lightening me up, with all the confidence. I had been just lost for a while, with all the emotional & mental chaos trembling in my heart & head. Fingers crossed, as if I was prepared for one of the Test/Exam of my Life. The only thing that was supportive and satisfying was, that I was not alone. I could not have done it all alone by myself ever(unsure).

One not so Fine' Morning it was, empty stomach, butterflies in the stomach' One thing that was taking up space in my mind , other than a whole lot of other gamut of thought processes was how shall I be addressing the Judge as " - Your Honor' or My Lord', Sir? & what if I was speaking English or Hindi, gibberish out of nervousness.(could I? speak/Was there a code of conduct?) and what if I could not take it any more and I lost myself control. What if I end up fighting with the Opposition Lawyer!

Doors & doors, passages tiny & wide, leading to several all the more locations. Trying to find & locate the WashRoom, and then the Canteen, was not a difficult task. Getting into with the identify proof verification process of getting in the court & then getting out of the court & back in. Sandwich & Coffee sufficed my empty stomach it pacified the food for thought syndrome.

Entering this enclosed space, few yards I could see nothing but the Men in Black , with black coats onto the white shirts, tucked in tight into the pants, and women lawyers in printed flowers in black & white & shades under the coat. That dress code, which was crisp, and an evidently a sign of gentleman & gentlewomen, with a purpose and a dignity, strength, professionals qualified with what they were best at.

Oh_Yeah - Heaven, I need a hug! Is there anybody out there willing' to embrace a thug. Feeling' like a change of heart, And all I really need is a sign or a word from God. So shower down on me, wet me with your love, I need you to take me and lift me up.

I still took out time, to raise my eyes and head, above & see the sky, that could be cloudy soon, & rain, though It was scorching heat, summers I tell you. At times you wish you were the water/ice cream inside the Refrigerator, chilled and desirably quenching(satisfying, allaying (thirst, worries), putting out/extinguishing the heat(troubles) & being content & at peace. Eyes wanting not to see, still eying on to the Opposition party randomly.

In the midst of some construction work going on and covered in the Court. Beside all the corner's and see through & chairs where we sat for a better view, or a hiding place' .The loaded Lifts that carried the Lawyers' & the Over Weight Lift, that still had more people waiting outside the Lift waiting for it to come back and pick them up, once again. A Mix Crowd of People in General' - expressive and Saddened, Few smiling, discussing, Silent. Some lawyer's seem so patiently elegant(in all ages) - I still can't forget a face of one Lady, who had been talking to her client & had this very glow on her face(looked as if she was quite a learned, full of wisdom & patient, with no ego whatsoever, down to earth one, and some not so elegant & throwing off attitude, to who, why, Lord knows.(Oh I heard they are meant to be that way, they consider themselves on the top of the world, after they become a Lawyer). The internee Lawyer's & so on! There was a mad rush of just everyone, everywhere, anywhere, anytime- it seems.

The Digital Notification of the Case No.highlighting, giving you an update on the Case being presented and going on, to the List of Cases being heard upon on printed sheets, tied & hung on to the wall outside the Room.

Judge & the Lawyers, I tell you do the most difficult job, & when I tell you difficult,(it really is). Need guts & patience to deal with all the chaos, and eyes/ears open to the agendas being discussed upon, the quarrel being judged and sorted. I guess need a good sunshine or cloudy day, with peace at heart, leaving behind all the personal issues of life, and focusing on what you are here for. On the contrary I being all emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted,not because I was to sit there for hours, but because, the syllabus in my head, was I learning and revising on to, and beside crossing on to the right fingers, all the while with chants, praying God to do justice and bless thy. Finishing all of it in one go, for the best of the best one to win, & there be a righteous judgement.

null & void, malafide intentions, unjust, plaintiff, defendant, dues (These terms that haunted me) etc etc etc.

What would certainly be going in the Opposing Lawyer's head, seeing me there, present at the very moment, place. noticing me. Certainly for sure there had been something and more then what I could imagine! What & How was my Lawyer thinking, & taking all of this as? (reminding me of paying the due fee to my Lawyer). My head was not my head today (Did by any chance' I had 5/10 heads - invisible ones?

In the middle of all the nuance that was riding me crazy, I wish I could crack on a joke, if the need arises, when I was being asked, or I was being questioned by the opposition Lawyer/Party. But I was asked not to giggle, or smile, *but what if someone cracked a joke(could be the judge him/herself - am I not suppose to react, (democratic we all are, right) well, understandable but then, keeping silent and sitting and standing on the back bench, while the proceeds to place, hearing to all that, was being said, and questioned & answered, the scoldings, and the cases being shifted from one to another, taken after. I guess I could right much more, then I could in actual speak up, for that's why I am more of a observer & less of a activist who would stand & protest with words. My vocab was not pertained to a selective set of knowledge, but I was always cautious, and at times, we all are just humans, and we react & we speak silently (when we are not too, & do the reverse when we are suppose too-confusion again!).

Quoting it from a "Jewish Folk Saying" People were given two ears and one tongue so that they may listen more than they speak.

It was like a homework being done, and then you come to the school facing the principle, who does the correction. Gives you punishment if he ain't convinced of the work done in accordance.

Yes sir, I might just be a tortured man for all seasons, as they say, and I have powerful friends in high places. But still I question myself & ask & speak out the forbidden & cleverly try to understand the logic.

I would certainly want the Judge to be a part of my FaceBook friend list. and also share & exchange messages on WhatsApp, & be in touch.

Bless me Oh Lord, & Spare me the Horror!

"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure until he says someone pushed him." / To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have"

I could easily give up, but I am fighting, & I fight & will fight, for few are my strength which make me rise & shine & stand by me. therefore Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

It all lasted' starting from Morning 10 in the morning until Evening 4:30 Hours,something. It still' has me not got ME over with it' & it still haunts.

I am sure I have not left anything out, just in case I did, shall edit & update! - Anonymous

Saturday, April 19, 2014

SHE-Hung-Herself

It’s been a few hours, you’ve just been hanging there. You’ve been quiet, too quiet. Usually there’s music playing, or your foot steps could be heard. But today, you’re quiet. Your little sister, who doesn’t normally come to greet you because you lock yourself away, decides to see what you’re doing. She assumes you’re taking a nap, or doing some homework quietly. She runs up the stairs, eager to see, but she comes to an immediate halt. You’re not doing your homework, nor taking a nap. Your music isn’t playing and you aren’t walking around. You’re hanging there, completely still, now just like her. At this moment, her whole world shatters. Everything she has ever known, looked up to, loved, is hanging there by a thread. At this moment, her life has been changed forever. At this moment, she wishes she was hanging with you.

Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.” No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.” No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.” They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.

Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn’t need you, or didn’t care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren’t waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.

Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare say no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn’t yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that said you didn’t meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.

Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone elses.

If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out:
My ask is open, and I’m always here. I’ll never judge you. I’ll try to help you.

I wish she had seen this. Oh god I wish he had seen this that night

My cousin hung herself a few years ago. my aunt has never been the same since that day. never.  - Anonymous

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A RESTLESS - State of Mind

Yes sir, I am a tortured man for all seasons, as they say, and I have powerful friends in high places. Birds sing where I walk, and children smile when they see me coming. - Hunter S. Thompson

As Shakespeare said it' “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”

Yes/no questions are believed to carry some suggestibility load; seem to have worked for me too at times though, not sure how far they shall. A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble" said  a Mahatma, & that's what recently I have been managing to be doing.

Controlling yourself, and your emotions, and your frustration & all that, so it does not transparently effect the so called relationship.

"Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes, your whole life can be turned upside down. Life is short. It can come and go like a feather in the wind." They have been on your List for years, and more then once, they take you out of there FaceBook Friend List, (Sometimes I curse these social networking sites, as if they only mean the world to us & nothing else matters) & become friends again! & then there mood swings come and go' at a flick of minutes, they want to still be in touch with you, messaging you, calling you, wanting to speak, talk, share & hear. Friendliness. I certainly understand they take things as a perceived betrayal, but they don't try to understand the very human psyche of an emotional tenderized cravings and while it all goes' they are things that happen and you get carried away!, yes wrong I would be, I am, but that does not imply that I am going to take mood swings in full swing and blooming, every-time, of someone I love, whatsoever it be. Few harsh words that are rude, very much complimentary to the parallel and not so parallel parcels of life's agendas. Either you got to excuse me for all the mistakes and blunders committed as crime & sin, with due respect to the mental, emotional & physical indulgence that has kept our relationship alive until now, so far. Or you need to put an end to it. (Sounds no Simple, Yet, practical & logical). If I am the one who is hurting people who fall in love with me, and are much emotionally related to me, less or more, or equal from my side it be' it has to have no more suffrage & chaos, no more perturbed emotional torture, that haunts your personality inside out. You may Smile on the face, you may be hurt inside deep, knowing the fact, that you could  show it off at times, and at times, you have to keep them tight an securely latched. What I better sought off a answer to all this was, to aloof myself from everyone, that was hurting me, and that was being hurt by me, for my love never came to hurt, it was only there to love. I know I could not love the very next person the same way I did the other, but does that stop me for having a fondness of liking or loving more then once at the same time. For very selective and lonesome I have been, for much of the several times, it's been just me and me all the time, unsure about how it shall all go and how it shall all treat, insecure and worried at the same time, though wanting to have that sense of security of having someone by my side all the time.

"God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners.". Yes I have committed a crime, I am  wrong, was wrong, I was at fault and offense of emotionally falling in for people that have been kind and friendly with me - that has brought me to a state of unpleasantness of a reluctant me, taking refuge under my a several piled sheets of breathless discomfort living. 

“Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it.”, “Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.”


“[In response to being asked whether he had ever been wrong:] Yes, once... many, many years ago. I thought I had made a wrong decision. Of course, it turned out that I had been right all along. But I was wrong to have thought I was wrong." said John Foster Dulles.

And know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time. Hopefully. & Hell isn't merely paved with good intentions; it's walled and roofed with them. Yes, and furnished too. - Sorry & Heartfelt Apologies.

- Anonymous