Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Unsaid & the Already Said - First day of the Year

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer. All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time. You have to die a few times before you can really live"

I feel I have lived & died a trillion times already doing the answering & questioning & my head and heart now is one stale recycled bin, where there is no "empty trash" option to click onto. Nevertheless there at times when some things smell nice out of the whole stale lot.

I could sit and demonstrate all kind of stories, but they were not of any worth, until I wrote mine & even didn't bothered to mind at all if anyone was not hearing me out or reading a bit of me & If I did not happen to get an audience for my story telling effort, I would simply become a muse listening to my own stories. I was a good listener indeed, and not everyone poses such genius.

Being busy, acquainted with my effort to have this self realization trying to console the turmoil tantrums & getting nostalgic by the memoirs of utmost happiness through words of an insight wisdom & brilliance out of my experiences of life, that I would chase and get hold of & get going with my story telling endeavor - filling in all those unedited passages of time frames in paused gaps of revised editions of the pathways that were afresh or long forgotten. I could straight away go back to every moment good or bad that I ever belonged to & it was like travelling though a time machine & as much willingly everything would carry me through, I would repent to the sad ones & admire the ones that lasted good. The not so well composed prose - collated vocabulary, that I tried refining every time I scribbled something to sound more convincing then ever. I was just learning from my own flaws & I was getting better day by day maybe for good or worse.

There is this greed to be filled with harmony & peace, and to acquaint thyself with all the materialistic & the minimalist. One could rather choose, but at times the choice is not an option made that easily available to "barter a deal". Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical! because every now and then, it turns nothing into something & then you see everything turning just the opposite in fractions of seconds. Its like paragliding without knowing how to. I sit down, stand, lay down, getting hampered and trying to hamper thee back, shooing away these thoughts that haunt me, and bring about just a giggle or a tear being pampered or doing the pampering.

Its the state of black blank & dark saddened stoned state of existence that prevails out of no where, & everywhere and everything just falls apart for that very moment, even at all if you wish to hold on to thee white chalk & in your effort wanting to scribble, you could come up with with nothing at all to put down there, despite of a Pandora of thoughts that were struggling to burst out of you. No matter how hard you tried to hit onto the lateral & not so lateral thinking process, struggling to keep your head straight but dropping dead like Fred every time & enacting like one living dead. There are times when you would just go about painting colourful pictures & no matter at all if it was a masterpiece or just a piece of trash, it made you do something that you felt was necessary & you loved doing what you did.

There is a kind of crying, I have experienced, and it is not just crying about something terrible that has happened, but a crying for all of the terrible things that have happened, a crying that cannot be diluted by a brave deed or a kind word, but only by someone holding you as your shoulders shake and your tears run down your face, giving you all the assurances that everything would be all right no matter what. At least if not everyday, once a week, I could fall into a fit of giggles and laugh rolling out load, holding my tummy, falling of the bed. (they said' there was something called happy tears), I so wish!

"First day of the year", is very much the same as the last day of the year, but then there is something about it that touches you to the core. As life gives you a flash back to the tiny of the ugliest or pretty petite and by and large few random good ones, travelling unwillingly to this whole thought process of past & a intuitively worried presumed future' down a memory lane through & through this very unsettled state of mind - a brainy & heartfelt episodes of ones living.

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - My story seems to be no less of a fairy tale, I tell you, but I guess fairies have fled away much long back & I have been busy slaying the dragons lately. I wish my guardian angel comes and saves me from thee and slaughter these creatures who torment me away every day. I win , I loose, I get high, I get low, I get defeated, other days I am just average normal being, a less average, a below average, above average, & averagely I live life likewise everyday, and everyday is not the same. I would seldom close my eyes & would believe to have shut my brain too for all those fractions that I was in pace with the darkness lying underneath, that would hide away all the unnecessary odds, & there would be no thinking at all - no brainstorming.

"if only I could say life is good, good is nice".

My body is the most revolting thing I own. I know this. I have got it bruised a million times emotionally & physically, thinking of it as beautiful & ugly. Good riddance. Beautiful or ugly cannot contain what this body represents inside out. I am still here. In this body. After countless times of trying to leave it. A fight with myself-struggling to pacify with a hopeful fistful hollow anxieties & dreams that have made me a wanderer, making me wonder now & then, although that isn't that wonderful, but at the same time not that bad at all either.

I could utilize my time & energy - heading to a hell lot of other things, that I possibly could, If I could only settle down on to thee(my life). Its 3 am' I have already made it to the first day of the year, I am so glad to be alive & up! - Anonymous

Friday, December 2, 2016

Our Ghosts aren’t eating you alive



"Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it."- David Foster Wallace

Ants... Automatic negative thoughts... Or u mean haunting creative visions? 

Both of these and everything and everyone else ,the living dead and the dead living in all forms in love and in hatred. Everything that eats thee and the trouble some soul,the desperate one, the frustrated union of thee negate and the surviving existence of the unholy beings. that gets you reluctantly or in ways more feasible, depleting your existence to the merciful platonic and the real. The reel and the invisible.

Get a life u bitchy tramp.


I immediately opened my eyes and furrowed my brows in confusion. "You have no right to say that. Don't tell me how to live my life." The words came out in monotone emotions. You think I'd take you seriously?" Raised an eyebrow and for some reason that I don't understand, I burst into a fit of giggles..and the numbness that had been making me almost not human disappeared.. I can already see the future in this life I chose—long working hours and a lot of sleepless nights. and life wouldn't be so bad at all.

I don’t know how to put it, but I just can’t get it through my head that here and now is really here and now. Or that I am really me. It doesn’t quite hit home. It’s always this way. Only much later on does it ever come together. -  Haruki Murakami

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -  Maya Angelou


If I'm to speak for myself, I'll tell you that the universe is twice as big as we think it is, and you're the only one that made that idea less or more devastating." - Anonymous

tipkali - chipkali(lizard), Preying the Play


"I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was." - Ransom Riggs

The little of ordinary's have made it to piles of extra ordinary of what it seemed like & I had by now found this idea to be of valuable nostalgia, enough to rejoice & cherish the footprints of petite little ordinary moments that seemed to have left in me the memories that supposedly were to be there for a lifetime until there were new ones, that would replace & settle as life passed. 

This lizard habitual to its seasonal playfulness had come out of its hibernated shells to find its prey & it was then, that we (me & these two kids) had noticed it preying along & we had by now got all curious to know what was it up to?

We in an attempt to follow her had left our couch & were out in the light, to this flight of a fanciful play that turned out to this game that we enjoyed playing, while the kids mother ran after them feeding them. the lizard might have already taken us to be some horrid enormous creatures, that were after its life, since we were trying to scare her & shoo her away by snapping our fingers & calling her names & shouting at her to make her frightened of us. We seemed to have been playing the prey, while it was busy preying the play.

In the starting it looked not so bothered about the whole thing but eventually as the series of our playfulness started more rapidly, it ran away further to its rescue & disappeared - out of sight. We still kept on searching for it & wished it came back ,but it didn't.

"That's how little kids had fun and got the adult ones all engaged in this playful act- of a new game that we had already discovered by now".

Kids will be Kids' and they would make you one too. For once, do try to adapt yourself in there accustomed-free shoes with untied laces, let them be open & you don't need to worry about tying them up or you would fall, and you don't need to listen to your mom yelling at you, to tie-them up. Sometimes ignorance has its own way of saying that let there be this carefree attitude for a moment & let thy rejoice in ones own way to the fullest. We got more things to take care of mummy - let us play, the little one would reply.

Then the kids came inside & started playing climbing & jumping on everything that they could reach, & for the places they could not, they would ask me to make them climb up, by holding them & then asking me to get them down, & still in there playfulness they would look out for the lizards everywhere so they could continue there games. Little emotional moment when your name verbally is spoken almost to a perfection suffixed or prefixed by anything else. It was prefixed by ey' before and now its suffixed by uncle' by these little kids, who wanted to play with you & spend time with you as if they had already acquainted you & taken you as one of there friends. The adulthood was not forever an adult hooded to these logical & practical stunts of experiences that grew ,as life changed, and it was once a child too, that had this carefree soul once, and out of everything that it seemed, it had come out to play with the like minded . The kids had to go back to there place & they would remember you and cry when then couldn't find you(there playmate) anymore. The little one cried, wanting to go back to play with the supposedly friendly adult friend, & busted out in tears to have not found him & started calling thee to comeback to play.
"I plant roots so deeply in the people I love that I always lose a piece of myself when they go." -  Beau Taplin

What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.
Bursting into joy of tears, remembering the eventful deed, at the time of the hourly need is one essential vitamins that gives you a high. You loose nothing & neither does your age fade away in the process, you are only going to shell out few ounces of your fat, jumping & running playing and might get over-exerted.. - Anonymous