Thursday, March 23, 2017

Memories of March - II

A random date, curiously excited to thy fate, our longing to mate""Last night you were in my room, now my bed sheet smells like you". (I decided I won't change it soon enough)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, moonlight kissed night that passed. for all the time it last, & the blushes it cast. Blank mind, with expectations that we get indulged with each other and caressed, though it took a while for that comfort to rejoice, it eventually did, and it was nice, nice is good.

"I want to feel what I feel. What’s mine(least I could be happy to believe, it was). Even if it’s not happiness, whatever that means. Because you’re all you’ve got." - Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting.

We sipped shots of whiskey, I had almost more then a quarter of that bottle, but still didn't got drunk. Post midnight, almost getting into wee hours of a stand still night that made the time flew faster then I expected. Never wanted us to doze of snoring, waking up to nothingness worthy of this meeting each other." I whispered from far away, when you laid there, waiting for you to move, & get up & I could initiate a talk and settle down with you closer and closer, since we were inches away and I wanted there to be no space between us. thank God you woke up & we were on the go". Kissed you a million times, I whispered I was in Love, though yes, to soon it was to say, just after a day, that was infatuated, and thy desperate need & urge to pacify one self whole heartedly on and off bed made it so promisingly apt.

I cherished the time we spent. I did not wanted it to end or let it go. I still did not wanted to indulge more, therefore I was limited in performance, for once, I did tried to halt, for the next I gave you all of me, It could have been a lot more in the process, said & done, asked, but I had it, let go in flow, I never wanted to finish everything ,since I wanted there to be something for the next time. I lay nude next to you, & the night was young, it passed, morning came.

How could I forget that mango flavoured first ever drink that we shared together.

I could have let you do more to me, and at the same time, I could have done more to you. But what more could I dwell into & ask, for all the things we had & did, were apt & there was no hesitation, though at times, I felt, you felt it too, that there was something stopping us, & then there was something letting it all go, how it had too. The surrendering & the surrender was the most surrender some - hugging and kissing, & everything else. The mesmerized smooches, the touch of the nude skin, the foreplay & hugs. The darkness, the ray of light that blushed on to us, while we wore nothing, and those half on and off, clothes that in between had all the reasons why we met, there was more beyond the so called bed laid intuitive mind, expecting and at the same time, being unconditional, though the participation was almost equal under one blanket. This was more then just friendship for me - the involvement that evolved was pleasant and just could not separate us, lying next to each other, in arms. The whispers, silence, and the sleep - the laziness that came and left, taking turns while we made love.

Those random talks about family & friends, places, times, people who mattered the most, ghosts, spiritual and everything else that came & went by! Sharing pictures, thoughts, fond memories, likes and dislikes, and everything else liked & hated. In hope, that we save more for the next time we meet, whenever that is, if at all. I won't sound like one and don't want to be that other person. What we had was (however I think it to be) interestingly laid & played. Not to miss the love bytes, that I shall see for another few days & that shall remind me of you, I hope mine on you too remind me of you, and the time we had. I loved your touch , I loved that we talked, I loved that we listened to music, & were in between somewhere lost. A romantically sexual involvement - I could go about it and never end.

We might be structured apart, puzzled or insanely sorted - We had a good time together. We could be poles
apart physically & mentally, yet there was something that got us in touch. Time passed so quick, yet memorable memories added to thy month of March. Conditionally sought or thoughtfully unconditional happened.

We all have our stories, our own world hidden pilled onto layers, that might or may never come out, things of past things of present, worries about future, hell lot of more and less things around and in, that might trouble, yet we all are with masks trying to hide and come out at times, in hope we might settle with something more of kinds that shall suffice. Time is more powerful then anything else, and in the process we meet and loose people, but the memories stay and haunt our subconscious state. You never know what is in stored for a shorter or a longer run, between two people, but all the moment that matter is now. What we just witnessed /lived & cherished was pleasing to the core, and yes it certainly made us come closer.

"If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself."-A failure is not a loss. It’s a gain. You learn. You change. You grow."

Everything else is passé, that ever existed, but gets replaced by new, yet how perceiving , deceiving, welcoming, fake , true it might be, there is always a thin & thin line between & parallel approach is all it takes to make things work between. We wrongly choose people and feel we could always keep hunting for truest form of love but we eventually end up with wrong people, not even trying to understand why it was at the first place. The fault is humane, cant help it, but in the process we learn and experience, and figure, the truest kind of existence that exists and reasoning and logic that gets itself reciprocated.

You were the only reason, I did not wanted the night to end so soon, & day to rise & shine, when you would have to go, though there was sleep somewhere settled on the heavy eyelids, that weighed more then the anguished heart, but tried settling on to the comfort of the silvery clouded outlined love. I still never wanted to sleep..

It isn’t possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you(I can't). I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.

I wanted to know how you felt - I never got answers, nor did I got any hints whatsoever. I don't want to sound like one Stupid Cupid madly deeply falling for thee single handed ,pouring out my heart & mind in words, defining my refined moments of nostalgia spent with you. All I hope you felt somewhat similar too & this was not just another experimental random date for you.

I had been emotionally drowned with haunted thoughts in remembrance of the forgone days passé & weeks and months, coming to a consoling conclusion that I failed to blow a trumpet to thy ear that never was interested of any intellect that it pretended it understood & reciprocated but on the contrary it never existed or was a lame fake pretender that posed to be one saint sage, all painted with blushful of glam coated empty & hollow perspective in a peculiar way.

I stood there singlehandedly trying to enlighten & suffice myself & the moment whose memories were going to fade sooner or later. Since I have not heard from you vocally for all this while, from the time you left -  I guess I got it' pretty clear already.

I console myself , my bed, my heart, my soul , my awaken dozed eyes that never wanted to miss nothing. Despite the ray of hope metaphorically provoked the rhetorical eyelids to shut, heart to stop over pounding in anxiety & running out of all expectations, coming to nothingness, the widowed windowed light stood there & even the eyelids could not come to my rescue, fed up of my vicious cycle of dwelling into thee deeper to this profound world existing in complete non existence that I had build up, based on few extraordinary memoirs of my life in past, and absolutely nothing could replace thy & thee shall pass too pretentiously agreeing to overcome these evil limited intentions, those were not peculiarly difficult to understand - Now! I thought I should put an end to it & try to overcome thee.

"I just had my bed sheet & everything else changed!"

I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.“ - Anonymous

Friday, March 3, 2017

Memories of March

Adulterated Insanity all trapped in an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Incarnated Soul as I may sound, I just need to figure out in the process, how sane, sorted, adulterated, ripe or uncooked my very being is as of now. Too joyously & childish like, excited about the clouded sky & the sun rays peeping out of the blue, white & dusky hues (grey shades of the ironical moment). Ironical because things never last the same every time, they start & come to an end, & the very intuition of loosing it too soon, makes me sink into myself all the more.

The official meetings were super, the restaurant I was staying at was the one I had visited numbers of times before, so half of the staff already knew me there, and were aptly friendly and overwhelming. The large bed, that only had me on it, all the while, my beauty sleep, and annoying phone calls. and do not disturb tag out on my door, and then these meetings I had, the people I met, old & new. the gift that I had specially got for everyone in here, who I intended to give personally. The handmade masala chai & coffee beans mixed & matched, wisely chosen, & the chocolate cookies and a thank you note.

Met two celebrities in here and had a nice time spending time with them. God gracious me, could not ask for more.

Its been days & weeks I had been in Mumbai, was out for a business trip that followed by a leisure vacation that was unexpected, though this is like my second home, & I have always loved and liked being a part of it anytime and every time I happen to get a chance. I am not sure if I could do much justice to the story telling part, but then I had to pour everything out and admire the wondrous phase, I am led into and it has added to my Memories of March, that are coming to an end, as I return back to my home in a days time. I am going to miss it bigtime.

Shopping by & dropping by the Street Hawkers & roaming in the Market, the streets crowded, as if everyone is out to shop. I guess the lonely souls are out to get something or the other to pacify themselves. The dark ones are out to see some light, the Nocturnal ones are out living in there part.

Long hours spend on Juhu beach, sitting and strolling, wondering, wandering, from one end to another. The balloon vendor carrying all shades of primary coloured balloons, in the typical folk Maharashtrian attire/ensemble and the other vendors selling BhelPuri & VadaaPav & Pao Bhai Stalls, The IceCream/Kulfi /Candy vendors, the kids and there playmates and there games, the old & the married, the singlet's and the daters, in between those wet and muddy foot prints in the sand, those wet feel drenched. My shorts all wet, & there are these sand particles on it that make it itch, but never the less the feeling is more then merrier then itself. The rise & dawn of the sun & the moonlight sky glittering the sky that I see almost everywhere I am, they same to be following me everywhere and I seem not to hide from them ever' they certainly know what all I did & when, how I had been & everything.

A walk to the Iskon temple & praising lord praying to thee while excited about the whole Hare Krsna Hare Rama feel and then there is this parshad that I am so anxious to have, after I bow the lord and escape form his holy castle, out to the impure forms of a livelihood, still with a whole lot of pure thoughts though in disguise to the impure wonderful imitating lusty urges & negate in and around that I wish could end, & suffice me what all was pure and what all was true.

Exciting thing that happened unexpectedly was these 4 people I was to meet, as if it was destined. To add something to my story telling part. Though its evident that you come across people in day to day life, and they kind of leave an impression now and then, but not everyone does that with that great force, like these did. Two out of four (one from Delhi itself & other one from Mumbai) became over friendly and as if like we knew each other from real long. The love the comfort the understanding, the bonding, the emotions, the friendliness, the charm, the curiousness all entangled in this excitement wrapped strangely to knowing thee and thy knowing me , and in the process that followed, there was much more that words could even publicise out loud, let them be piled in the layers and let it be. The remarks and the suspicious comments and then this friendly addressing names and nice time spend with them all together. The conversations, the dine-out, the lost & found and then the found & lost part, & turning out to be an another epic in my life. Lucky me, I am always strangely a stranger at places with people who are not stranger anymore. Though as much out loud I wasn't to express every tiny detailed experience, I hold myself back and stay mum.

My last dinner here as of now, is a Goan Fish Curry, with Pudina Parantha, Rice & a bottle of Beer (this restaurant coming to me rescue), which is just below the dormitory reserve(hotel thing) I am staying at.

My heart & my head is heavy .my eyes could pour out oceans right now. I don't know how to swim, but I don't care. I feel loved & this moment this love this feeling, this beautiful phase right now is what I am enjoying. Tears of Joyfulness that contentiously wrapped me to to its very being in the act of doing something unexpected raised me from ground and gave me a high. 
"I had asked thy many times why thy stayed, and thy always said the same thing: ‘Because I love you, and I wanted to, and I knew you were in there.’ No matter how damaged I had been, thy had loved me enough to still see me somewhere inside."
"I spent the day wondering why' Why can't we work it out, why can't we work it out Remember the light of dawn, on our faces. I was giving in to you, what's most precious to me I want it all I want it all again, again. I don't wanna believe you no more, nor any words you say, cause it's only bullshit. anyway I gave up a piece of my heart, a piece of my trust, a bit of flesh and blood, a piece of me, yeah. Your love is more bitter than a regret. I see you care, but you're too scared. I know thee f*** you up and now you're loving me, From the corner of your eye, I want it all, I want it all again, again. Do you want the same?"
Now that if you ask me, Are you in Love? I would reply "Yes - I am in love all the time with everyone & everything that gives me little bit of attention now & then.& I return more then the expected favours to thee. Cupid Me."

Baby there is sadness in your eyes, I don't want to say Good Bye! - Anonymous