Thursday, March 23, 2017

Memories of March - II


“A random date - curiously excited to thy fate, our longing to mate"

"Last night you were in my room, now my bedsheet smells like you". I decided I won't change it soon enough.

We had our reasons - why we met. I didn't wanted to burden my intuitive mind - expecting and not expecting much at the same time, caught between the conditional & unconditional, I am glad, the participation(the involvement that evolved) was somewhat pleasantly equal. 

While we dwelled into an Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind, the moonlight through the night had already kissed our faces & passed, blushing its cast so kind. As we rejoiced to our careless whispers of a carefree indulgence, our comfort had caressed each other through & through whole night long. With expectations that had raised toasts completely erasing everything else, at the end leaving a blank mind, it took a while & eventually lasted until it could completely wind. It was nice - nice is good.

Those random talks about everything & everyone that came & went by! Sharing pictures, thoughts, fond memories, dislikes, likes & hated. How can I forget that mango favored first ever drink that we shared together - that you had brought. We sipped shots of whiskey & I almost had more then a quarter & we weren't drunk. 

It was post midnight, time seem to be flying faster then we expected & had been slipping into wee hours of a stand still night - ‘If at all, I could hold it, I just might’. I never wanted us to doze of snoring, waking up to unworthy so I whispered from far away, when you laid there inches away, waiting for you to move & get up & come close, so I could initiate a talk and maybe we could settle down & lie next to each other even closer. I wanted there to be no space between us. 

“Kissed you a million times, I whispered I was in love, though yes, to soon it was to say - It wasn't even a day. I was infatuated, desperately overwhelmed & caught as if you were my drug(weed) that would wholeheartedly suffice & pacify my urged greed(a need.) It promisingly seemed so apt.”

Lying next to each other, in arms. The whispers, the silence, and the sleep - the laziness that came and left, taking turns while we made love. I could have let you do more to me, and at the same time, done more to you. We could have possibly dwelled into a lot more but I felt this hesitation - I know you felt it too, that was stopping you too & then there was this something the very next minute letting it go. I cherished the time we spent. I did not wanted it to ever end or let go. I could have completely surrendered possibly but there was something inside me that had stopped me to indulge more. I tried to halt, for the next moment, I gave you all. It could have been a lot more but then it was as of now - all said & done. Maybe I wanted to save something for the next time. 

The whole surrender-surrendering was surrender some - & as little it was, with everything else; sealed with a kiss, those mesmerized smooches, the touch of our nude skin, the foreplay & hugs.

In the darkness so still, the ray of light had stopped & spotted us naked - almost wearing nothing in between.

You were the only reason, I did not wanted the night to end so soon or day to rise & shine abruptly(when you would have to go.) There was sleep somewhere settled on the heavy eyelids, which weighed more then the anguished heart, but I tried settling on to the comfort of the silvery clouded outlined love. The night was wild & still young - I still never wanted to sleep.

What we had was mutually - interestingly laid & well played(that’s what I felt). Not to miss the love bytes, that I shall see for another few days & that shall remind me of you, I hope the ones I gave you, would too remind you of me & the time we had. I loved your touch, I loved that we talked, I loved the music, that  we listened to. An involvement - sexual & romantic, somewhere in between lost. I could go about ranting about it and never end. This very moment - what we witnessed or lived & cherished  right now to the core mattered. In hope, that we save more for the next time we meet, if at all - whenever that be. I hope you haven't mistook me for (just another random person).

I wanted to know how you felt - I never got answers, nor did I got any hints whatsoever. I didn't wanted be the only one, pouring out my heart & mind in words, defining my confined-refined moments of nostalgia spent with you. All I hope you felt somewhat similar too.

I stood all this while, trying to overcome the moments whose memories were going to fade sooner or later. Since I haven't heard from you since the time you left - I guess I got my answers. I consoled my awaken self all this while, which probably never existed for you. I felt emotionally drowned with thoughts in remembrance of the forgone time & at last came to a conclusive alert of how I failed to blow a trumpet to your ear that never was interested in any of intellect that it pretended it understood or reciprocated, on the contrary it never existed or was a lame fake pretender(painted with blushful of coated glam - empty & hollow) posing genuine - such a sham.


Despite the ray of hope metaphorically provoked the rhetorical eyelids to shut, heart to stop over pounding in anxiety & running out of all expectations, the widowed windowed light stood there & even the eyelids could not come to my rescue. Memories of March had played a trick - and the time passed so quick.

I just had my bed sheet & everything else changed!

“I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.“ - Anonymous

Friday, March 3, 2017

Memories of March


Adulterated Insanity all trapped in an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - This incarnated soul(me) was still figuring out how sane-insane, sorted, adulterated, ripe or uncooked & childish like(my very being), was excited about the clouded sky with sun rays peeping out of the sky so blue, through clouds in white & dusky hue (ironical shades of grey), I was stuck on to it gazing through a window...Why? I had no clue. Ironical because things never last the same every time, they start, they come, stay for a while & then come to an end, & the very intuitive fear of losing them too soon, makes me sink into myself.

“I want to feel what I feel. What’s mine(least I could be happy to believe, it was). Even if it’s not happiness, whatever that means. Because you’re all you’ve got." - Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting.

The restaurant I was staying at, was the one I had visited number of times before. I almost knew  half of the staff who were aptly friendly and overwhelming. What else could I possibly need apart from a large bed all to myself for my beauty sleep. A do not disturb tag out on the door. Few annoying phone calls though, but never mind. I had couple of official meetings lined up with people few - old & new. The gift hampers that I had specially made a point to get for everyone; vanilla brownies, chocolate cookies, handmade masala chai & coffee beans - all mixed & matched, wisely chosen along with a thank you note. I was almost through with the meetings. So far - overall a nice ‘time well-spend’God gracious me, couldn't have asked for more!

Its already been more then a week now, since I’ve been here in Mumbai. It was a business trip, followed by a leisure vacation. I always felt good being here - It was like a second home to me & I have always loved this city. There was so much to say, but words wont even if at all, they could, express, how these memories of nostalgic moments had instilled in me an everlasting warmth. I was here again, yet again pouring in & out my admiration for this wondrous phase, adding yet another feather to my nostalgic chase. These Memories of March would come to an end soon as I was to return back home in few days & I was going to miss it badly.

I was out, to shop & roam around a little, dropping by the street hawkers, market & the crowded streets. It felt as if everyone(all the lonely souls)  were out to get something or the other. Spend hours on the Juhu beach, sitting and strolling, wondering-wandering, from one end to another. There was a balloon vendor carrying all shades of primary colored balloons, in a typical folk Maharashtrian attire/ensemble while few others sold bhel-puri, vadaa-pav & there were these ice-cream, kulfi & candy vendors too. Series of pao-bhaji stalls & small fast food restaurants that couldn't be missed. The kids and there playmates and there games, the old & the married, the singlet's and the daters. 

In between those wet and muddy foot prints on the sand, the tides that by now had made my feet & almost wet, piling up layer of soil on to my skin - as I stood there partly wet with my shorts half drenched. The rise & dawn of the sun & the moonlit sky glittering was making everything else appear & disappear again - They same to be following me everywhere I go. Stalker yeah!

A walk to the Iskon temple - standing there bowing, praising lord praying & having parshad & and then escaping form his holy castle, out straight back to the clutches of negate so impure. For how long could I disguise this impure lusty urges - imitating wondrously to a thorough piously pure of thoughts - in and around that I wish could end or suffice in form so true, rather untrue.

My last dinner here as of now, is a Goan fish curry & rice & a bottle of Beer (this restaurant coming to me rescue), which is just below the dormitory reserve(hotel thing) I am staying at.

I am always strangely a stranger at strange places with strangers who are either too estrange or no strangers. 

Sometimes thing happen unexpectedly & never thought this trip could even get more exciting - leaving me with a heavy heart at the end...right just, when I was about to leave. There was this person, I was to meet(destined). Its not like every day you bump into strangers, those kind of ‘leave an impression often...Not everyone does that - with that great force’, like this person did. Became over friendly, as if we knew each other from real long. From remarks being made to being addressed with names, the conversations, the dine-outs, the lost & found & then the found & lost part of the wicked games, the fondness, the comfort, understanding & the bonding.  A piled set of emotions, that this curious friendliness had us both entangled into - this over joyous excitement wrapped strangely to our willingness of knowing each other(the process that followed) in bits & pieces. Through & through - a  nice time spend all together - a fine tuning - turning out to be alike ‘one pilgrimage so eventful.’Lucky me! 

It isn’t possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.

Much more then words could possibly express or justify - piled in layers...I so wanted to burst loud. Oh let them be! I could have vaguely, to as little of the minutest of tiny details that I could remember had held myself back and stayed mum.

The more you wanted me to stay, more difficult it became to leave.

My heart & my head is heavy - my eyes could pour out oceans right now. I don't know how to swim, but I don't care. I feel loved & this moment, this love, this feeling - this beautiful phase right now. Tears of mixed emotions have contentiously wrapped me & something unexpected raised me from ground and gave me a high.

There is sadness in your eyes, I don't want to say Good Bye! - Anonymous