I Don't Understand

All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.

Thinking is a full time job, and we’re still unemployed. We all think a lot, don’t we? I hadn’t been planning to write specifically about thinkers, but then, the universe is the wittiest strategist, right? We all have a person in our life who thinks more than we can think of thinking. He is not a mind reader, but he can be a strong conversationalist and quite a keen observer. Talk to him once and he can unfold all the closed chapters of your life. I have developed a kind of liking for the people like them. Although the reasons why you must befriend with someone who think a lot, is too long to sum up, but a few of them are as follows.

“I don’t understand” is a beautiful phrase. There is nothing demeaning in conceding to the fact that we aren’t, we can’t be omniscient. And those three words won’t ever be said too much. Pretending to have an opinion on things because that’s the only way to avoid getting flak from the intellectual elitists has become the new norm. It is the easiest escape route to fit into the nerd culture. We spend most of our time forming half baked opinions on things that are the talk of the town, and then spend the rest of our lives defending those opinions, working ourselves to the bone, getting increasingly agitated and confused…until we forget why we decided to take a certain stand to begin with.

When you stopped wanting to die or kill yourself, what was it that changed or stopped you? I find it impossible to live with my depression any more, I see what it's tied upon but it's tied of variables that are out of my control. Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. Its very hard to say this because I do not want to talk to anyone any more about it. I am simply exhausted and I don't want to burden other people with it or tell them and receive the stupidest answers. So I'm asking you, although I don't know how this will change anything. I wish someone could show up, place their hand on my forehead and say "it will be over soon". Sometimes I think of the bad days I thought I'd never survive and the number is zero. That should be fulfilling enough, but I guess there's something different working for everyone.

At the end of the day I think the only universal lesson is to let go of people and things that break your spirit. Once broken, you can repair it. But it takes time. It takes sometimes longer than the situation that broke it in first place. I don't know. Not all wishes that come true materialise the way we wanted. So do we need to make more mathematically argumented wishes, or is life simply a long row of check-ins in recovery?

Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry. - Anonymous