As another man leaves the bedroom or boardroom I take respite over the cup of green tea “organic of course” to ask myself. Why are men scared of letting it out?
Conditionally a man whose more prone to say what’s on my mind than not, I find myself slowly forming a smaller circle of men who would opt to say what they feel as against the majority who would rather not. Interestingly enough I have discussed this with the many who have not and I find in their silence lies the refuge of protection.
How often has he said…Dont you feel it in the way I hold you? Cant you see it in my eyes? Aren’t my actions enough?...& the many others which come in their vein.
This brings me to ask…
Why do I need to hear the words? Why is it that important are the actions, illusions, implied manners not enough? Is the intention not as reassuring as the affirmation of what’s said? And I always come to the same conclusion, in the end the said words or written passages are what last in more ways with some sense of permanence. It forms a level of commitment that in silence doesn’t allow an assumption of what could be but actually what is AND, in this classic quandary is the reason why we as men often resort to implied affections by silence and act rather than words. The words said cannot be taken back we always say and the said phrase provides a commitment which is questioned as against us saying, but I never told you so!!. As minds wander one starts going into the minds of men to wonder what is it that scares us so, is the constant need of grey, the idea of keeping options open, the search of knowing that if I say not then I am therefore less vulnerable . So we believe we are protecting ourselves and other’s. Is the risk of getting our hands dirty by virtue of words so bad one asks? Then there is of course history and how ones is brought up, social context, cultural values, politics of men& women and the sexes and related propriety the list can be endless when one starts charting the reasons of how one defines the reasons.. So we wonder whose right then or what is right finally?
“The cup sits on the table looking back at me empty and as I stare back in silent conversation like the many men I have dated. In the end should we not speak, or be scared to say. We are not cups after all.”
Interestingly often stereotypes of men also hinder the spoke syllables. The man who says too much is far too needy or too effeminate or it is sexier to be the strong silent type. In his silence and closed heart lies the challenge, he’s too weak or too insecure. It’s possible in some cases there can be truth given the circumstances but largely its again behind these perceptions one finds refuge to run away from it all. Escape being easy one runs down the road realizing that sometimes coming back has far too many stop signs. Years pass and one gets so safe in this haven that even casual expressions become hard. In protecting our self we become so protected that the cover becomes more a cage than shield. While I personally believe one must show restraint at times, but in the long run we should say what we feel than not. The moment that passes to say usually never comes back and in the end they all add up to feelings unsaid.
Life being as short as it is and given the few chances we may find our happiness, is the moment not better when we have said what’s in our minds and heart or taken the moment and written our feelings for that time. Even if the moment doesn’t last, at least one can look back and think of what was for that moment -the truth’. Even when the heart breaks later or one replaces the cup of tea with many glasses of wine to drown one self, the silence of what was misread cannot be changed even if one had spoken or one had not.
Therein the honesty of that time is preserved by what we said or heard and the honesty is what we treasure and if at all build up on if the chance arises again.
Say the word and be the happier for it.- 37,Salsaboyz, Delhi,India
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