Monday, June 6, 2011
I remember myself experiencing a lot of resentment because I had not been the one to create the problem. It was not my fault this was happening. It was not my fault this was true. And of course it was not my fault. In truth, it is no one's fault. However, the inadequacies, anxieties and false beliefs had created many of my problems. Problems being of course my own and others as well. Finally a light bulb went off in my head. If I stopped blaming for everything, then I did not have to stay helpless for the rest of my life. I then and there realized, It doesn't matter how much of a mess someone else has created; you can clean up the mess in your world so you feel good. Emotional health is worth the effort. I was finally at ease,
There were those simple things, and the worse ones too (bigger lot). From stupid excuses, explanations to a high potency ones.
I could feel it happening around me and with me/against me occurring insidiously sometimes even without words when you sense depression or anxiety. Feeling resentments and regrets assuming you are the cause or vice-versa.
This thing has always happened with me and the other person I was addressed by, while being completely strangers or closely known. It happens all the time. The people who are your's would listen to you calmly, and never fight, on the contrary will talk about it in the best possible way to sort it all out.
I am trying to quit getting blamed and blaming other's and have been moderately successful at weaning it down to some extent myself. However, without much forethought, I still find myself picking it up at times when I am tired or feeling sorry for myself. The blame game is addictive.
It does not mean that one should let self be taken advantage of or accept things that one has the ability to change. It also does not mean that one accepts wrong actions or live with resignation. One should concede that other people, things, and events do not have control over you. You accept control and responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions—things that are under your control.
Implicit in this new-found power of control is that you may not be perfect and may, in some ways, need to change. Change is most often positive and what, on the surface, might seem to be failure, is actually an important step toward your success. To stop blaming means that you must judge others favorably. We do this by first empathizing, externalizing, and making excuses for others. Finally, try to view your problems as situations that you can explain, rather than complain and blame.
Some people blame because they just want to prove there self right, & some people don't want to even listen to what they are being told, cleared up the things. It's not alway that you are blaming them, but it's a circumstance that you might just be clearing out certain things, that would sound hard, rude and not acceptable on the other side. Whether or not there be any reason behind it, one does it (1) all because of ego ,attitude and self prestige at stake, Not accepting self guilt or fault (2) Clearing the misunderstanding and being back to normal. Emotionally and Mentally sorting it out for a beneficial peaceful result. Its when there two are face to face, it's like one is saying and other is listening, or both would be fighting. But the one who knows that whatever happened was for no good, despite knowing the fact that the other side(person) reacted exaggerated to it in a way, that one could not take it anymore. One would but an end to the blame game. One would be at peace with oneself situationally, but would know that the person who blamed and fought on a mere issue unworthy of such situation has drawn both far from each other emotionally and mentally.
Understanding reasons is one of the things that will help one deal with blamers. By drawing our/their attention to the real reasons behind our/their behavior most of them will realize they were wrong and will stop throwing the blame on others. Else if they have blame-game on there agenda on cards itself, it can solve no purpose.
People blame others because of several reasons: Loss of control: Some people panic when they lose control of a situation and so they try to restore the sense of being in control by blaming others!! So behind blame fear might exist!!
Controlling you: Some people try to control others by blaming them and making them feel that they are bad. If someone desperately wants you to do something he might use blame as one of the methods to change your behavior. Labeling you selfish, arrogant or snob by friends is one of the common methods for controlling others using blame. They learned it from their parents: Some parents have failed to teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions and so they grew up as adults who blame others whenever something bad happens. Refusing to admit that they are responsible: Some people can’t admit failures and mistakes so they blame others for them in order to escape the responsibility. One common example is saying "I was late because the streets were crowded" instead of admitting that you should have taken the traffic jam into account Unable to accept what happened: People blame others when they fail to accept something that happened. Had those people learned how to properly accept events they would have never blamed others
Blaming others and feelings helpless: People who blame others usually try to hide their feelings of helplessness. If they didn’t blame anyone they would admit that they are not in control and that there is nothing they can do. By blaming others the helpless person takes the position of the accuser and feels more in control.
In some situations its OK to blame others if they were really responsible and if blaming them was going to prevent similar mistakes in the future but in most cases you must learn how to take responsibility of your actions and be in control of your life so that you don’t blame innocent people.
Lots of relationships end with breakups and lots of fights happen between close friends just because of the blame game. People usually start to blame each other when problems arise or when they find themselves unable to deal with a certain challenge.
The problem with blaming others is that it removes away intimacy and provides a good environment for seeds of hatred to grow between people.
Understanding the blame game: You might be thinking that people blame each other because of the mistakes they do or the actions they take but the truth is very much different than this. People usually start to blame each other when they become afraid and when they find themselves losing control.
Its the fear of losing control that is behind the blame game. when someone finds himself facing a big problem that he can barely deal with he starts to become afraid of what might happen. This fear eventually turns into a powerful energy that can only be released through blaming others. Some people start to blame others more often when they have a bad day or when they are feeling bad and they usually blame people who are not responsible at all for what is happening to them.
Before you start blaming anyone for anything that happened ask yourself: I) Is he/she the reason I am feeling bad? or is it just another unsolved problem am facing? II) Am I having a bad day? III) Am I afraid?
once you answer these questions you will know if you really have the right to blame that person or not, and what you will find in most cases is that the other person should not be blamed at all and that its just your bad mode that is making you feel that way.
If you are looking for someone to blame then its your bad mood that should be blamed. Its your fears, you lack of control and your worries that should be blamed. Its your life problems that caused you such emotions that should be blamed. Its your helplessness and lack of life skills that should be blamed and not the other people.
I am not asking you to stop blaming people but i am just asking you to find the real things that should be blamed and then deal with them.
Understanding Yourself and others: Long ago I had big self understanding issues nowadays it takes me less than ten minutes to know at least eight personality traits of a person i just met. The first impression someone forms of me may be something like, “he is a nice guy” or “I like his shirt” while my first impression about him is usually a deep understanding of his personality, to the extent that I might discover things about him that his close friends doesn't know.
The factors are: one's personality,background and values. If you were able to determine some of these variables at your first meeting with someone then you will not only be able to understand him but you will even be able to predict his next move. The music that you listen to, the way you walk, the way you talk, your body language, your face features, your doodling, your hand writing and everything else that is related to you reflects hidden parts of your personality. By learning how to look for those clues and how to interpret them you will get this superior self understanding of others and of yourself.
Knowing exactly what is bothering you instead of feeling bad without knowing why. This in turn will allow you to take the first step towards happiness. Not feeling lost because you will know exactly where you fit in life. Whether it’s a career or a relationship, you will be able to know where you should go. A solid understanding of others, the more you understand yourself the more will you understand others. For example if you understood where self confidence comes from you will know what lack of confidence feels like and you will be able to understand shyness even more. Fewer bad moods, I am not saying that self understanding will solve your problems but it will help you feel better instead of feeling that you are fighting an enemy that you don’t know
This list could have been much bigger but i didn't want to make the article any longer, i am sure you now know the benefits of self understanding, allowing you to have a solid self understanding.
Who do we blame? Remember in school when you would be sitting in class and the teacher would be giving the lesson, when you and a friend would be talking with each other and the teacher stops and looks at the both of you and scolds you both? Most of the time your friend pointed his finger at you and would say, "He kept talking to me!" Wow! What a way to shift the blame so he wouldn't look bad.
Why do we blame others? We tend to blame others so that we do not look bad. We have a tendency to shift the blame when something hasn't gone quite right People don't realize they are acting the part of a hypocrite when they judge another person by pointing the finger.
I was at a function one time and there were a couple of men. One was in line behind me (we were in line for a buffet) and he was pointing his finger at another gentleman that was taking more than his share. He said, "Because of him there won't be anything left of the apple crisp!" I reminded him that he too had taken more than his share of cake at a function, and as a result a little girl get to have any cake.
"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." When it comes time to accept the blame don't try to shift the blame over to someone else, or don't, as it is more commonly said, "pass the buck to someone else."
Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden is a classic example of pointing the finger at the other person. Genesis 3:9-13 tells us this: "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." Now here in verse 12 you can picture Adam shifting his feet, moving his eyes, and starting to sweat bullets and probably swallowing really hard because he knows he messed up, that he dropped the ball. So what does he do? Let's look at verse 12 again, "the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat." Looks like Adam is trying to shift the blame onto one other besides the woman. Adam says, "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me." It's almost like he's saying, "You know God it's partly your fault because you gave me this woman." I don't think it would fly though. Continuing on to verse 13 we find: "And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." Now it's her turn to point the finger as if to say, "Hey God the creepy little creature tricked me so don't go getting on me." Wow! What an example of shifting the blame.
Are we just trying to cover our sin by blaming others to make ourselves look good? When people try to hide the fact that they messed up by blame shifting, they only dig themselves a little deeper into an ugly situation.
Psalm 32:3-4 tells us that, "When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah."
Meaning: When we try to hide our transgressions and shirt the blame to another, the conviction is quite heavy, "thy hand was heavy upon me." The Psalmist goes on to say in verse 5, "I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah." I remember my friend's son who ate a whole one pound bag of M&Ms. I believe they were the holiday kind. Anyway, he asks his son if he ate the candy and of course his son totally denied eating any of it. He then blamed it on the cat. Later, he came to his dad complaining of a stomachache and confessed to eating the bag of M&Ms.
We all regularly face the choice to remain stuck or to pursue happier alternatives. This is popularly known as the choice between "being right" and "being happy." This author most definitely recommends dropping the shoulds associated with "being right." For self-righteousness alienates others, is often a shaky unstable prop for one's ego, and leads to unhappiness whenever "wrong" ideas/ people/ actions are in view. If self-righteousness or blame or judgments of any sort persists, being stuck and being unhappy also persist. To summarize, temporary blame is often essential to the permanent release of trauma knots, whereas criticism that persists is clear evidence of being stuck in unhappiness."
Therefore, when you find yourself blaming the weather, society, mother, men or the frying pan for what you are experiencing, ask yourself if you want to stay helpless.
If you are helpless and not responsible for yourself then you are a victim(someone who does not have the power to help himself or herself). The only true victim in our world is a child. Children do not have the power to get new parents or free themselves from the situation they are in.The act of being responsible for yourself is the act of owning your own power over your own life. You can do what is necessary to create the life you want. You can move pass your feelings about people and things and their maladaptive conditioning. You can own your own strength, courage and ability to live life fully and freely.
You can keep on blaming, If anyone is to blame (and I do not think blaming helps at all) if it does not end up at a point of mutual understanding, forgetting the flaws and problems and bring about a comfort level. The best emotional health relationship advice I can give you is to "Give up blame." Hope it helps you set your spirit free. - Anonymous (Practitioner-Psychologist/Counselor) 40, Goa, India