Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Climbing up the Loft

No it isn't the one that sells things like pajamas, workout clothes, casual wear or professional wear. Neither was it a rood loft(display gallery) above the rood screen choir or organ loft reserved for church singers and musicians.as In churches.This one is just an architectural - upper space within a building, principally for storage where "I was to go & get lost myself into".

I often would think if at all it would be a wonderful idea, to make it a fully ventilated & completely light-filled one. It could function as an additional bedroom or a hide out place for myself. But the only thing, I hadn't made it so far, was because of the climbing nuances, that would have exerted me in a fit of fright & exertion.

I was no Tomb Raider, Lara Croft! Seems like some people are infected with irony the moment they open their eyes.

“The harder you fall, the heavier your heart; the heavier your heart, the stronger you climb; the stronger you climb, the higher your pedestal.” - Criss Jam

I was to climb up this ‪loft‬, fingers crossed, with the half alive,ruined corroded ladder, piece of solid junk. days passe, had been a while, avoiding, trying to bunk. Carried it up on my shoulders, all the way from the spider webbed & dried accumulated piles of leaves laden garage. 

Tell me about it. huh. no no, no way I was mesmerized by the exclusionary, wishful, willful mirage. After several attempts of thoughtfulness and placement of the steady, well grounded thee, me, In countless numbers ,those chants ran down to thy fright flee. I climbed up. & looked down, scared, eventually happy, I dared. 

“Venturing is the saying of high dreaming, going down from a climb is like climbing. But when going down, we see who is beneath us. And when going up we concretized on who is above.” - Alan Maiccon

The only thing that, bothered me was, how would I be back on thee. Humpty Dumpty did not wanted to fall, whatever the call be. sigh!. Trunks... more of them and all. The low ceiling could not keep me raised up straight, neither space ,where myself I could place. Not ventilated on the other end, through the glassed grilled fitting, I stood there bend. I could not do it all alone, and would take up a while. I only picked up, what I could, & glanced all thee that lied. Maybe soon enough, would take stairs ,way up to the heaven's grind, until then, may I be sound and in gracious mind.

“Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory.” - Ed Viesturs

Self appreciated. It was time for a self appraisal, praising thy for, all well, that ended well. still wondered, where did the whole idea came from, and what ranged the bell? I guess, I do everything I think possible or acceptable to escape from this trap. no matter how crap. Well yes yes, you got me right, we all do, what we ought to, and eventually get out from the darker trajectories out to see the light.

"eyes closed" - Anonymous

Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Emptied Nothingness


There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. ? Leonard Cohen

This egg looked at me, as I scrubbed, skimmed, un-layered it naked(peeling off the shell). After few minutes of struggling, it strangled me ‘yes yes, I am all boiled well' as if it said to me, ascertaining me for a ‘ready, steady & go’ diet to the core. Examining it while I gulped & swallowed. & while I ate, I kept imagining new innovative ideas to embellish the boiled salted egg, I was no fucking chef' & an egg was an egg, and it would remain one, not turning out into a chicken. crap! this was utter nonsense(hillarious). Followed by insanely playing merry go around with the spoon, in the cup full of tea in circles, letting thy sugar melt & settle down, I could have keep going on and on. ‘The sugar on the other hand, screamed, I am stirred pretty well by now & shaken to the core, enough, please stop it.’The spoonful of tea that had jumped & poured out, was a sign. Now that was a nuance to wipe. Sigh. I licked it. I was just being witty & skillful.

There was just about everything & anything that seemed to irritate me now. There was this chaos of dilemma for good or worst, that had my heart and mind hosting it, leaving me ponder later on. Scooping away every bit of my thoughtfulness at stake, out of no where.

"Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest - thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wild-flowers sprouting in the under-wood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated"

So, it did rained almost whole night a day before. restless me, in between those long hour naps, to the not so sound sleepy ones. I just had nothing to do. I wanted to sleep, but I had enough of it already, but I wanted to sleep again, but It did not happened, so I decided to do nothing about it, and just let it go. I just did not had nothing to do and did not wanted to either. I just wanted ample good sleep. I was just tired of doing everything as much was as tired of sleeping. I just wanted to figure it out for once, how did it felt being empty, doing nothing, and still trying to reconcile with everything that could possibly surround you whole day long & how could one or ones body adapt to ones own self or nothingness. I decided to go back to bed, and tried sleeping again.

You know what, you got a beautiful house, I would love to gift it to my mother' she said, coming closer, standing there next to the door of my bathroom’s entrance, where she found me cleaning my green bath tub. "what stuck me was, now that she would see me in shabby & odd position doing things in real, of what I had already updated status over fb sometime back" ?- ah, just a dream, (for a little fractions), I might have fell into a sound sleep for minutes.

There could be no more sleep. ascertained with the fact, everything else seemed endless and empty, I looked at the walls, gazed sky, there was no moment, everything seemed so dead in and around me. There was this haunted nostalgia, that recycled & repeated itself. It was like a copy paste viciousness, that came from no where and brought all those thoughts, that had absolutely no relevance with anything at the moment. I had absolutely nothing afresh, I could think right now about or look on to. My body was telling me, you just cant sleep no more, but my mind was willing to do just the opposite. I felt I had nothing left anymore to find solitude with, and there was no curiosity left within to get myself lured to anything that could kill my time. I had absolutely nothing at my disposal & I just wandered thinking if there might just be a life other then eating, sleeping, bathing. It seemed everything else was passe, and there was this stillness, though not so calm, that had brought me closer to this nothingness, the emptied self, drained out, wanting to just rest in peace for a while.

Forget the chores, that could amuse you, or wit full agendas that you promised yourself to put in some effort on to, tasks that, you would sit for hours. making the most of your day, those made you kill all the time. This seasonal change with utter heat and no drizzles at all, had me so engrossed into peculiar of things lately & I was not willing to put in any efforts to take out time to water my plants either, which seem to be losing there green leaf life. When I look at them, they and me seem to be so much alike (twins from another mother, I tell you.) We had one thing common & that was we were thirsty. 

I could hear my self talking to me. I never realized what happened to the cover, that left the pillow uncovered, while I slept. One edge of the bed, that I would mesh & cuddle myself in, and try to sleep, and wake up on the other side of the edge. I would abruptly get up on hearing the birds chirping, or would wake up with a disturbed craving for a bath, or something to eat, or drink & then back to sleep. I was marching(no sleep walking). My mind ordered me on these regular intervals. to get up, sleep, feed myself up, clean myself up and do all that, as if it was a high rank military official who wanted me to be disciplined. I just scolded these noise makers(squirrels), making all those weird funny, loud ones, at wee hours. Let me go and feed them up with something, I said to myself, but this sleep overtook me, and we decided to cuddle on the bed, among pillows, and follow the routine.

I had been in an over pursued attempt, trying harder to make it all work so real bad, that I had lost it completely. There have been other traits that followed along with it though, that more or less harnessed the blast furnace even more.

My system lost few drivers, and it needed an intelligent update, a real bad one, real soon.

"Humans are low energy batteries. Don’t touch them if you don’t like the itchy feeling".


There is so much to be done, and very less time to get it all sorted, despite, though, if, but, and why, how juggle up my thoughtfulness every now & then in emotional, mental and  physical ways. - Anonymous