Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Climbing up the Loft

I was no Tomb Raider, Lara Croft! Seems like some people are infected with irony the moment they open their eyes.

I was to climb up this ‪loft‬, fingers crossed, with the half alive,ruined corroded ladder, piece of solid junk. days passe, had been a while, avoiding, trying to bunk. Carried it up on my shoulders, all the way from the spider webbed & dried accumulated piles of leaves laden garage.

Tell me about it. huh. no no, no way I was mesmerized by the exclusionary, wishful, willful mirage. After several attempts of thoughtfulness and placement of the steady, well grounded thee, me, In countless numbers ,those chants ran down to thy fright flee. I climbed up. & looked down, scared, eventually happy, I dared.

The only thing that, bothered me was, how would I be back on thee. Humpty Dumpty did not wanted to fall, whatever the call be. sigh!. Trunks... more of them and all. The low ceiling could not keep me raised up straight, neither space ,where myself I could place. Not ventilated on the other end, through the glassed grilled fitting, I stood there bend. I could not do it all alone, and would take up a while. I only picked up, what I could, & glanced all thee that lied. Maybe soon enough, would take stairs ,way up to the heaven's grind, until then, may I be sound and in gracious mind.

Self appreciated. It was time for a self appraisal, praising thy for, all well, that ended well. still wondered, where did the whole idea came from, and what ranged the bell? I guess, I do everything I think possible or acceptable to escape from this trap. no matter how crap. Well yes yes, you got me right, we all do, what we ought to, and eventually get out from the darker trajectories out to see the light.

Eyes closed - Anonymous

Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Emptied Nothingness

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. ― Leonard Cohen

After few minutes of struggling, strangled me, peeling off thy shell. & while I ate, bothered imagining new innovative ideas to embellish the boiled salted egg, I was no fucking chef' & an egg was an egg, and it was going to be one, not turning out to be a chicken. crap! this was utter nonsense. followed by insanely playing merry go around with the spoon, in thy tea cup, in circles, letting thy sugar melt, I could let it keep going on and on, irritated by thee extra jumped & poured out one, that was a nuance to wipe. sigh.

This egg looked at me, as I scrubbed skimmed,unlayered it naked,examining
it before I gulped & swallowed. yes yes, I am all boiled well' as if it said to me, ascertaining me for a ready steady diet to the core. The sugar on the other hand, screamed, I am stirred pretty well by now & shaken to the core, enough, please stop it.

There was just everything that irritated me now. and with everything I came into being with, there was this chaos of dilemma, for good or worst, that had my heart and wit hosting it, leaving me ponder later on. Scooping away that very bit of my thoughtfulness into an active state, out of no where.

"Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest - thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated"

"I want to love you like an open field. A place large enough for you to release the heavy creatures of your heart. A place large enough for you to wander and all you see for miles and miles is me".

So, it did rained almost whole night a day before. restless me, in between those long hour naps, to the not so sound sleepy one. I just had nothing to do. I wanted to sleep, but I had enough of it already, and I wanted to sleep again, but It did not happened, so I decided to do nothing about it, and just let it go. I just did not had nothing to do. and did not wanted to either. I just wanted one good sleep. I was just tired of doing everything as much was as tired of sleeping. I just wanted to figure it out for once, how did it felt being empty, doing nothing, and still trying to reconcile with the whole day long surrounding of you adapting to your own self, and your body adapting to the nothingness.I decided to go back to bed, and try sleeping again.

You know what, you got a beautiful house, I would love to gift it to my mother' she said, coming closer to thy open bathroom entrance, where she found me cleaning my green bath tub. "what stuck me was, now that she would see me doing things in real, that I texted and updated over these social networking sites" ‪- ah, just a dream‬, for as little thee,thy sound sleep might have fell onto me.

There could be no more sleep. ascertained with the fact, everything else seemed endless and empty, I looked at the walls, gazed sky, there was no moment in everything dead in me and around. there was this haunted nostalgia, that recycled & repeated itself. It was like a copy paste, & this viciousness, that came from no where and brought all those thoughts, that had nothing to do with anything that was, not at all there, and there was this me, who had absolutely nothing to look on to. My body was telling me, you just could not sleep anymore, but my mind was willing to do just the opposite, for there was in nothing that I found solitude anymore in, and there was no curiosity left within to get myself lured to anything that could kill my time. I had absolutely nothing to my disposal & I just wandered, there might be just be a life other then eating,sleeping
,bathing. It seemed everything else was passe, and there was this stillness, though not so very calm, that had brought me closer to this nothingness, the emptied self, drained out, wanting to just rest in peace.

Forget the chores,that could amuse you, or wit full agendas that you promised yourself to put in some effort on to, tasks that, you would sit for hours. making the most of your day, those made you kill all the time. Lately because of this seasonal change, utter heat and no drizzles at all, beside me being to engrossed in everything else, not putting in effort to take out time to water my plants, they seem to be loosing there green leaf life. When I look at them, they and me seem to be so much alike. twins from another mother, I tell you.

I could hear my self talking to me, I never realized what happened to the cover, that left the pillow uncovered,while
I slept, One edge of the bed, that I would mesh & cuddle myself in, and try to sleep, and wake up on the other side of the edge, when I heard the birds chirping, or would wake on to a disturbed craving for a bath, that could ease my sweat ice cream, or something to eat, or drink, & then back to this sleep. I was marching(no sleep walking). My mind ordered me on these regular intervals. to get up, sleep, feed myself up, clean myself up.and do all that, as if it was a high rank military official who would let thy do, what it deemed.
I just scolded these noise makers(squirrels), making all those weird funny, loud ones, at wee hours Lemme go and feed them up with something, I said to myself, and then this Sleep overtook me, and we decided to cuddle on the bed, amongst pillows, and follow the routine.
Maybe I was in a state of depression, where I had recently lost a great deal of data, that was there on my laptop, & may be it was all because I had been in an over pursued attempt to trying harder to make it all work so real bad, that I had lost it completely. There have been other traits that followed along with it though, that more or less harnessed the blast furnace even more.

Wires Wires Everywhere - "Mirror Mirror on the Wall' tell me which one is the happiest of all?.

Scratching my head, holding on to thy, looking at the Pandora of floppy disks(in all colours) , aah what I do with these thousands of them, loitering around off and on, every time I open up this big suitcase, which has almost everything more then 1. mouse, keyboards, modem, cd's, cables, adapters, wires, display cards, ink cartridges. sigh! me struggling to still find years and years after, every time, ways of putting them to use all together still, and abandoning them for while again, still not want them to leave me and go. memories I tell you. & those were the days when everything as petite was so damn costly, & now it turns that all of this passe junk is way too old for thy present.

Tired of looking at all the gadgetry that lies around me, bored of it to the chore, not wanting to hold it up, and turn it on. Not been online much lately, just feels pretty much safe being away from it. much safe, less sound, it all seems to be, for as if my system lost few drivers, and needed much intelligent update, and real bad one, real soon.

"Humans are low energy batteries. Don’t touch them if you don’t like the itchy feeling".
There is so much to be done, and very less time to get it all sorted, despite, though, if, but, and why, how juggle up my thoughtfulness and very being in all those emotional, mental and physical ways. - Anonymous

“What reck I of such evil? / Thy pride hath thee betrayed,
That thou deem’st my homage / should e’er to thee be paid.
Know thou in truth full certain / the thing may never be:
Nor shall I e’er be ready / to look for faithful friend in thee.”