How do you know if the warmth and attention you feel from someone is general to their disposition, or specific to you or other way round, either way?
Sometimes its hard, when you try not to communicate and at times its a blessing in disguise, when you keep it on a hold, aware of the fact that you might secrete emotions that shall not be understood well in reciprocation. All the more its even harder when there is no actual communication, rather an approach to fill up those blank spaces with everything else. People have actually been using texts to vent out a lot through and through, I guess that's probably one reason why, they might be afraid there verbal alien linguistics could not be understood. There comes a phase, when one stops to vent & rather listen & vent everything else to oneself, & behave everything was okay. This emotionless phase that brings nothingness to the either side suffocates to the core.
I hate small talk...I wanna talk about atoms, death, silence, aliens. sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, the lies we've told, our flaws, our favorite scents, our childhood, what keeps us up at night, our insecurity & fears, I like people with depth, who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't want to know "what's up".
Damages are unforeseen & I don't want to add piles to the ones I already have, let's dismantle these ironically mental stories...I want to live at peace, away from all the clutter that is causing me suffrage. It's getting harder to reciprocate with my own terms, and all the more gets difficult to address everyone else in the picture. I just cant relate to my surrounding anymore! - I might just give you a miss-in this life span, if at all I do, though you shall remain in my fond memories until I live...it would be a case of dismissal denial. Lets run away...far away from the clutches of seasonal mood swings and lets get sober & sorted. Lets undo the pain, that we have caused or lets end it here!
I wish to be touched in the same way you used to, I wish to be loved in the same way, you used to, I wish to hear a lot more, then what I already hear, I hear no more of the things that were said way back anymore, in the same way. tell me! What good "seeing is believing" be if there is absolutely nothing face on. I've often found a many of those less expressive sorts around me, & have a million times tried to turn into a less expressive one, in anticipation that 'this way' we will have more things in common', but it hasn't worked that great to be honest.
Bye Bye's are tough, and there's this set of ideological psyche that lies within a emotional heart full of insecurities that run down from head to toe. I so wish things could be more transparent and upfront & not having to pretend or hide anymore...that might give a notion otherwise more or likely, if its configured that way, it shall be. I even need to go through the configuration manuals & settings, & check its warranty status.
Nevertheless, whatever happens or might happen, irrespective of odds or even, and peculiarities that one has to undergo in the time frame, leaving you with a hope or no hope soon or later, shall come to halt at the end.
I often end up knitting my own answers to my own questions, generating conclusions myself and presumably become judgmental, trying to put in logic with a rational approach rather emotional sorts to the unanswered and unfigured dimensions of your eagerness and willingness to pacify yourself with "whatever it is, its okay". Valid or Invalid nuances of thinking hats that I put on, with thoughts running down from head to toe, engrossed with this high and low of everything that's just hung in between somewhere...feasibly correct or incorrect. I am not saying something might be wrong, but there wasn't a solution I am aware of if any, right now, don't even know if there exists a problem? or is it just myself, thinking too much amidst the self proclaimed rights and wrongs.
Do I suffice thee? Am I being sufficed well in return too? No matter how indifferent it all turn out to be, there is always a humane chemistry that binds/blinds thee together. The monotonous life goes stale after a life. and that's the reason why we find new ways to entertain ourselves out of curiosity to bring about a change.
Its like you have found a new muse, and no matter how much curiosity and excitement you put in trying to keep up good with, thee seems to be a little reluctant to adapt. Life's not that easy, and we often confide into the comfortable zones that promise us a little sense of security. The whole physical, mental and emotional aspect seems to undergo a different approach all together once these three unite and after a while, when any of it goes missing there seems to be a problem and its like there is only one answer to all the questions or only one question to all the answers.
A stranger told me once" just enjoy the present and don't think to much" I am trying to do that, but what happens to my curious brainstorming that makes me go numb every time I try to figure out answers to the questions that surround me, and makes me look like one day dreamer who seems to have lost his camel in a deserted place, under the scorching sun...strangled with no water around...all by myself. I just cant ignore, if at all I do, I am not sure for how long, that would be and if at all that was a right thing to do, it might just make things worse. But then ignorance is bliss' as they say, I would try to be one ignorant fella - I don't want to be ignored either, and if I am, I guess its about time, I find bliss...anywhere else.
As an outcome of what all, and all what...I keep quiet, and if you ask me, why are you so silent, I shall have nothing to say! Because if at all I say, it would sound like I've been complaining, of not getting things as expected, & yeah they say don't expect, but things cant be unconditional either way, they ought to have serious explanations to the gist of all that and that all. People come ,they confide, show love & its reciprocated in the same way. Now that, for whatever reasons, its not like it used to be...there's always a chance - we could end up mending or winding up things, with no false pretense or a pretentiously ridicule one. If only one could look into eyes and read for real.
"You are yourself, & I am myself, but the fact is that if we are together 'We' are 'Us', and by all means if we pretend & carry on being you & me, there's a chance we shall end up not being us anymore...and that's how it should be irrespective of all the odds".
In hope that stars and moon shall shine brighter and there will be once again a moonlight sky above my head...sigh!. "I might try to find my light tonight...Hide my sight from eyes I try to fight."...Come on baby, light my fire.- Anonymous
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