How madly and deeply have I fallen in fondness for someone who had come to stay tonight at my place. Assuming us to be friends or more then friends after almost ten days of virtual interactions(chatting) which were like a dosage of our daily rituals in routine that we intended to follow all this while until today when we were to meet. You had me believed that I probably would be getting an acquaintance for a lifetime despite knowing that you would not be in the city anytime soon after few days. The curiosity to mingle maybe just for a one night, whole night long (our first date or a night stand) had me all excited. I had cleaned my room, had a new bedcover laid, changed pillow covers and kept aside an extra blanket(incase it was needed).
Today I am sitting texting to my self( making a note) of how strange the other person(stranger) was being strangely apprehensive trying to deliberately do all the talking but still not trying to get any bit closer. Why should I bear the brunt of being emotionally left out, away from all the overwhelming limitless promises (the intimate of things that we had been willingly weaving, wanting to explore ) that were made virtually from the time we started chatting. Everything had come down to nothing - broken & unkempt. I guess I have not been up to ones expectations. But I've completely taken this person as one was, irrespective of any odds if they were any & I was willing to surrender completely. I didn't wanted to weep in misery of having someone beside me on the same bed, yet me being alone, but there was absolutely nothing that I could have done about. I could have persistently reminded you about your promises or made advances, but then I didn't. I thought you would understand. I didn't felt it coming from your side.
I asked if we needed an extra one? & I was made to believe that an extra blanket would do just fine. I was sure that we were no ways going to get under one blanket by now. We were on bed and both of us went on checking our phones and we were not talking. There was silence. By now I could see a back turned already wrapped in a blanket and I had all my dreams (whatsoever that had any hopes) dismantling into tiny pieces. All of this & that - a mere illusion of things(blabbering) that we ever discussed seem to have faded away in a momentum so platonic, as if it never existed. The end was near before there was a start. Finally I was told goodnight and I reciprocated back with a goodnight too though deep in my heart I knew there was certainly nothing good about my night and maybe I was being cursed by someone for wasting a day, a night that wasn't what it supposedly to be as assumed.
Yet so close on the same bed, you were miles apart - I could not even see the tattoos on your hands you told me about. I had seen you more virtually, then in real. Forget about the touch, that you spoke to me about & everything else. Yet so transparent, nothing seemed visible or audible anymore.
There were a lot of things missing, I guess were deliberately being escaped from. ‘If at all there possibly could have been more intimacy of sorts’, it could have probably sufficed the anticipatory heart & left a fond memory for a lifetime. I still wanted to ask you, why? but then there was no use asking, it was understood.
I might have slept for a while, I don't remember, but I couldn't sleep with someone beside me so estrange. I was off the bed, changed the songs, that had been playing in the loop all night long, went to wash utensils and made arrangements for morning breakfast, if at all the hungry soul felt hungry & thirsty, I should be ready to feed. I went back to bed awaken - all ears and in every way attentively available to my bed-mate. Finally the sun had risen & sleepy soul had risen up. We ended up having a bit of chit-chat over a cup of coffee and then it was about time to bid goodbye. I received a text message -“It was nice meeting you.”
I've stayed quiet for a while now & with least anticipation that I might hear or possibly have chance to meet this person again, but then like all good things come to an end, it seemed it just had ended. There was no further communication. There was nothing left and the post night-stand emotions seem to be healing quick. Neither was I looking out for a miracle to happen nor was expecting anything at all. I was an old school sorts and I still had a reluctant belief of things getting sorted on there own for greater good, with its pros and cons.
‘There was absolutely no emotional connection & I thought we connected really well’
It was not easy, but hard to forget the face of the person who was befriended & bedded for all this while (ten days & one night). If at all there was nothing good about it, there wasn't bad either. You were already forgiven & forgotten. - Anonymous
“I never approve, or disapprove, of anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life. We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices. I never take any notice of what common people say, and I never interfere with what charming people do. If a personality fascinates me, whatever mode of expression that personality selects is absolutely delightful to me.” - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
"मैं कभी भी किसी भी चीज़ का अनुमोदन या अस्वीकृत नहीं करता। यह जीवन के प्रति एक बेतुका रवैया है। हमें अपने नैतिक पूर्वाग्रहों को हवा देने के लिए दुनिया में नहीं भेजा जाता है। मैं कभी भी इस बात पर ध्यान नहीं देता कि आम लोग क्या कहते हैं, और मैं कभी भी ऐसा नहीं करता कि लोग क्या करते हैं। यदि कोई व्यक्तित्व मुझे मोहित करता है, तो व्यक्तित्व की जो भी अभिव्यक्ति होती है, वह मेरे लिए बिल्कुल आनंदमय है। ” - ऑस्कर वाइल्ड, द पिक्चर ऑफ़ डोरियन ग्रे
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