Thursday, March 31, 2011


To love. To be loved. To never forget your own significance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you.To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.

I have spend loving my parents my entire life, & would keep on loving them as long as I live. 

This was today, that I got to know, that I was the adopted one. I heard the winds chime chirping it too, long back, number of times, but I kind of ignored, I wasn't sure, I believed and thought It to be a hoax sham , & so it all became passe, and It did not bothered much, even if it did, since there was nothing that would change anything at all, since it never did all this while. I never felt it that way! This came as a sure shot hit this time' straight on my face. 

I was told that My dad died in an accident and my mother expired too after giving me birth! (regardless of how much of it was true and how much of it was just to calm me down, or making sense). 

I still am not very sure, of taking it in and believing it to be, realistically perceivable to my mental agony of peculiar being.

The glimpses of my whole childhood, as much I could remember ,school/college days. & every bit of everything and anything just flashed, like a melodrama, sucking me up into a nostalgic fit of shock. I stood there like a dead zombie, who was just shot dead.

But all I know & It does not make any difference to me at the moment is the fact, that I have got all the love from my parents (the ones I have - real or unreal) & have no complaints, No matter what ever the reason would have been, and whatever the circumstances. Although somewhere I feel, I could have been told this much earlier, though I am sure it would never had made any difference, because there has absolutely nothing that I was deprived of ever, at all. But still, I could have learned to accept being one, and maybe things could have been a little more practical & sorted out.

Everything was the same as ever and it shall be, that's what I wished and hope for! But still somewhere in my heart this fact remains, and It would be there until death do us apart, that I was welcomed aboard(to this family)!. It was just the internet & one close friend that I shared this with, as much as I was told, and As much I was known to know.

I did not knew how to react, I understood, that I was being told this because, it was the right time, and it would have not been any better. Nothing more I was told about, as if there was nothing more to it, I never inquired about it either, My state of shock had taken over my curious juices away and dried them leaving me on a deserted island. I stood calm, but deep inside, right now ' I could burst out into gallons of tears. 

With all the strings of strength of courage and calm, that I could gather. I remained mum, silence took silent steps, I got up, went to the kitchen, to make a cup of tea for my parents. My lips were dried, and glued, I felt, I was the one being sued. Strangled shades of grey, away that blued.

Unclear about the whole scenario, the epic as I call it (epic of my life), I was loved by my family in abundance, & everyone around, despite now I knew why my relatives were a little indifferent to me, & why I never mixed well with them socially. It got difficult to cope up with the so called stigma, and changed my emotional behavior a bit, the acceptance was not about adjusting, but the adjustment was made to alter & accepted, though I felt, it never was the same way around.

Though it has not made much difference, but whenever I hear the word 'Adoption or Adopted' from anywhere, everywhere, I feel It's me being talked about, & whenever I am addressed with issues pertaining to the same, either direct or indirect, I feel low and alienated, as If ,I had no one at all, & that I was the only one, considering myself to be an outcome of some mistake, if at all that ever happened.  It was not easy, in the world you live, when you are tagged with such tabooed nuances. No matter how peaceful or sorted it might stay within you, it always haunts you around.

I have always been and would be a part of this family who from the very beginning brought me up, loved me, and tenderly dealt with me in a fragile way, I could never ever believe, I could ever had slightly been deprived, or neglected.

Life as changed, shattered -  I would not be the same again. There just remains this grudge, why Me? ...“End of Imagination”- Anonymous

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