Wednesday, June 1, 2011

PUZZLED-Why?

“If the reality of our life has become an unsettling arabesque puzzle and we still want to add more filigree embroidery to it, we might, some day, expect to stray from the point of recognition, lose the final thread, be expelled to the edge of delusion and forced to dance on the brim of chaos." (Alert. High noon) - Erik Pevernagie

Well there is not just one problem, that I am surrounded with, they are plentiful ones! The situation is more or like the same every time. I’ve been engrossed with it a lot more times earlier and that's the damn reason I am what I am & how I am or turned out to be one, right so very now - so puzzled! I am not the problem, nor am I the solution or am I?  It's been years I have experienced the same thing happening all the time, all over again - again & again. Time passes by & after these gaps, after a while when I am just about learning to conjure myself, letting things pass by coming & going at its own sweet will, often wondering & imagining it to vanish away by its own - for time being or for ever, I find it hitting me up on the face with a blow & I am once again caught up in these not so obvious circumstances. 

It's like you’ve been given a white chalk to scribble on to this black slate or a blackboard, & no matter how much you could pour out on to it, & leave no empty space, you still stand there gazing at its depth & vastness, realizing what it has to offer. At the end realizing that it eventually would turned out to be a clean slate after it was scrubbed. Why on the earth would you want things to be rubbed? & if at all it had to come to an end to nothing eventually erasing a memory, why would you even scribble? What good it be? Despite you’ve been all the more willing to freely imagine painting with a color palette of chalks in all colours, you still settle down on to the black & whites(shades of grey). 

Not one, but random things in my mind surround and knock & I am puzzled in a series of doubts. Utterly confused and alarmed. These lively & lifeless Institutions of my experienced set of intuitions that have raised me so far, instilled within me with the knowing & perceiving of things I’ve learned, gained or lost, & still learning at whatsoever cost seldom make me settle down to a realization of asking to myself - whether or not?  

Though I know I cant help it! I guess I need to figure it out myself! The only question that I ask myself right now is ‘Do I need to get puzzled?’ Do I want it to hamper my thoughts, dampening me into more miserable state of turmoil, trying to get unmuzzled. I so very wish I could let it go before it even started! Should I listen to my heart or let my mind do the talking? In a clumsy state of mind - unaware, yet so aware! rare, because I care - I am just an emotionally fed peculiar soul & its not always about presumptions or assumptions, it's beyond state of mind. Is it the intuitive me - who spoils it even more? The worst part about being intuitively right was offending me through & through to the core. Knowing everything was a sham, still disguised to these psyche trails of situational haphazardness - life had its plan. 

There are times when you are in situations when you just want things to work right all the way through & through, but at the back of your mind and deep down in your heart you would already be reluctantly aware of the outcomes that just might not work. It often gets difficult when you have a choice of choosing between your mind or heart & still unsure of the outcome. We already perceive more negative & less positive, & that’s because life is not a easy task in itself & we are aware that things don't work in accordance with how we want them to. Sometimes we already have a handful of ready answers to all the questions & possibly knowing its worth, we still try taking in the risk. 

“The world's a puzzle; no need to make sense out of it." - Socrates

I’ve been always trying hard to make sense out of everything & anything, because I do want it to work but for some reason it wont - It’s not at all the way it seems to be. I’ve often prayed that my most negative of intuitions be seldom wrong & that things could get much easier. I’ve not always been completely right or wrong when it comes to my intuitions, but sometimes I feel, that I could stop intuiting or getting over-worked & tired of imagining the outcomes even before they happened. Sometimes we are on a lookout for instant answers to ‘what good or worth it be?’ I have kept myself on hold, waiting too long, letting time fly away these nuances. Whenever I stop giving a damn about it, not wanting anymore to get affected or carried away, It comes back again finding me somehow. Well I guess everyone has to make one's mind in what direction one has to go, and how much effort one needs to put in figuring out to what extent one has to eventually deal with it and how much amount one would take in to resolve or let go? I’ve partially made my mind now. I will let it come to me the way it has to & I will put in an effort to get in those shoes every time, and take decision. I am strong now, I’ve survived so far & I will survive this time too.

"Let the waters settle, you will see stars & moon mirrored in your Being." True that - I’ve seen it work like magic - having witnessed moon and sun mirrored on to my very being & having made the waters settled, but I wonder how often should and whether I need to clean & filter out the already settled & stagnated one, that has been there for a while now. I am afraid & aware, A mild exterior manner (the“still waters”) may hide a more passionate or dangerous internal nature (”run deep”) - a warning that silent people are dangerous. I guess doing absolutely ‘what I have to do’, meanwhile addressing the thought process with ‘what I would be’ is the answer.

I neither easily trust on to anything or anyone for that matter nor am I blindfolded. I wont be left out all alone at the mercy of these puzzles with intuitions so molded...I’ve already have these unsolved pieces, sealed & folded. I try to play it safe - still learning to leave no traces, I wish to end these chases. - Anonymous

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