Ah! be gracious, tenderly relenting, Take not back thy gifts with churlish hand; Let the breath of thy serene consenting, Falter through the weary land.Eventually It passed by' for its been some days now, that had me emotionally tortured - a turmoil state of my attention seeking perturbed mixed feelings of a still & lifeless me, not letting me sleep & making me all the more depressingly anxiously surrounded in a syndrome of nervousness of all the negates - ills & odds of the situational hazards.
Fingers crossed with the nervousness, and things and people trying to make me bright & shinny, lightening me up, with all the confidence. I had been just lost for a while, with all the emotional & mental chaos trembling in my heart & head. Fingers crossed, as if I was prepared for one of the Test/Exam of my Life. The only thing that was supportive and satisfying was, that I was not alone. I could not have done it all alone by myself ever(unsure).
One not so Fine' Morning it was, empty stomach, butterflies in the stomach' One thing that was taking up space in my mind , other than a whole lot of other gamut of thought processes was how shall I be addressing the Judge as " - Your Honor' or My Lord', Sir? & what if I was speaking English or Hindi, gibberish out of nervousness.(could I? speak/Was there a code of conduct?) and what if I could not take it any more and I lost myself control. What if I end up fighting with the Opposition Lawyer!
Doors & doors, passages tiny & wide, leading to several all the more locations. Trying to find & locate the WashRoom, and then the Canteen, was not a difficult task. Getting into with the identify proof verification process of getting in the court & then getting out of the court & back in. Sandwich & Coffee sufficed my empty stomach it pacified the food for thought syndrome.
Entering this enclosed space, few yards I could see nothing but the Men in Black , with black coats onto the white shirts, tucked in tight into the pants, and women lawyers in printed flowers in black & white & shades under the coat. That dress code, which was crisp, and an evidently a sign of gentleman & gentlewomen, with a purpose and a dignity, strength, professionals qualified with what they were best at.
Oh_Yeah - Heaven, I need a hug! Is there anybody out there willing' to embrace a thug. Feeling' like a change of heart, And all I really need is a sign or a word from God. So shower down on me, wet me with your love, I need you to take me and lift me up.
I still took out time, to raise my eyes and head, above & see the sky, that could be cloudy soon, & rain, though It was scorching heat, summers I tell you. At times you wish you were the water/ice cream inside the Refrigerator, chilled and desirably quenching(satisfying, allaying (thirst, worries), putting out/extinguishing the heat(troubles) & being content & at peace. Eyes wanting not to see, still eying on to the Opposition party randomly.
In the midst of some construction work going on and covered in the Court. Beside all the corner's and see through & chairs where we sat for a better view, or a hiding place' .The loaded Lifts that carried the Lawyers' & the Over Weight Lift, that still had more people waiting outside the Lift waiting for it to come back and pick them up, once again. A Mix Crowd of People in General' - expressive and Saddened, Few smiling, discussing, Silent. Some lawyer's seem so patiently elegant(in all ages) - I still can't forget a face of one Lady, who had been talking to her client & had this very glow on her face(looked as if she was quite a learned, full of wisdom & patient, with no ego whatsoever, down to earth one, and some not so elegant & throwing off attitude, to who, why, Lord knows.(Oh I heard they are meant to be that way, they consider themselves on the top of the world, after they become a Lawyer). The internee Lawyer's & so on! There was a mad rush of just everyone, everywhere, anywhere, anytime- it seems.
The Digital Notification of the Case No.highlighting, giving you an update on the Case being presented and going on, to the List of Cases being heard upon on printed sheets, tied & hung on to the wall outside the Room.
Judge & the Lawyers, I tell you do the most difficult job, & when I tell you difficult,(it really is). Need guts & patience to deal with all the chaos, and eyes/ears open to the agendas being discussed upon, the quarrel being judged and sorted. I guess need a good sunshine or cloudy day, with peace at heart, leaving behind all the personal issues of life, and focusing on what you are here for. On the contrary I being all emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted,not because I was to sit there for hours, but because, the syllabus in my head, was I learning and revising on to, and beside crossing on to the right fingers, all the while with chants, praying God to do justice and bless thy. Finishing all of it in one go, for the best of the best one to win, & there be a righteous judgement.
null & void, malafide intentions, unjust, plaintiff, defendant, dues (These terms that haunted me) etc etc etc.
What would certainly be going in the Opposing Lawyer's head, seeing me there, present at the very moment, place. noticing me. Certainly for sure there had been something and more then what I could imagine! What & How was my Lawyer thinking, & taking all of this as? (reminding me of paying the due fee to my Lawyer). My head was not my head today (Did by any chance' I had 5/10 heads - invisible ones?
In the middle of all the nuance that was riding me crazy, I wish I could crack on a joke, if the need arises, when I was being asked, or I was being questioned by the opposition Lawyer/Party. But I was asked not to giggle, or smile, *but what if someone cracked a joke(could be the judge him/herself - am I not suppose to react, (democratic we all are, right) well, understandable but then, keeping silent and sitting and standing on the back bench, while the proceeds to place, hearing to all that, was being said, and questioned & answered, the scoldings, and the cases being shifted from one to another, taken after. I guess I could right much more, then I could in actual speak up, for that's why I am more of a observer & less of a activist who would stand & protest with words. My vocab was not pertained to a selective set of knowledge, but I was always cautious, and at times, we all are just humans, and we react & we speak silently (when we are not too, & do the reverse when we are suppose too-confusion again!).
Quoting it from a "Jewish Folk Saying" People were given two ears and one tongue so that they may listen more than they speak.
It was like a homework being done, and then you come to the school facing the principle, who does the correction. Gives you punishment if he ain't convinced of the work done in accordance.
Yes sir, I might just be a tortured man for all seasons, as they say, and I have powerful friends in high places. But still I question myself & ask & speak out the forbidden & cleverly try to understand the logic.
I would certainly want the Judge to be a part of my FaceBook friend list. and also share & exchange messages on WhatsApp, & be in touch.
Bless me Oh Lord, & Spare me the Horror!
"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure until he says someone pushed him." / To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have"
I could easily give up, but I am fighting, & I fight & will fight, for few are my strength which make me rise & shine & stand by me. therefore Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.
It all lasted' starting from Morning 10 in the morning until Evening 4:30 Hours,something. It still' has me not got ME over with it' & it still haunts.
I am sure I have not left anything out, just in case I did, shall edit & update! - Anonymous
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