Elusive Butterfly & a Jaded Caterpillar

To say a person is a happy person or an unhappy person is ridiculous. We are a thousand different kinds of people every hour. - Anthony Doerr

I feel stuck in a love triangle with an elusive butterfly with powerful wings and a jaded caterpillar who won’t move their legs further because it’s too cold outside. I feel my raw, animal side, clashing with my comfort seeking-solace yearning interior.

The same old(bored, tired, dulled, exhausted & worn-out, sick, wasted, ‘satiated by overindulgence’) sane prudent me in the insane paranoid world - making great mental demands,(hard to believe, comprehend or solve)difficult to achieve or remember(find or catch) trying to pull up my socks. Its cold with many cold hearts around. I still manage to stay warm somehow. Getting older & growing up - Life is indeed a state, all staged, assuming grass on the other side to be greener always. I wish I could exchange places with a much greener one. It had been autumn for a while now, with just thorns, I would like flowers to blossom really soon.

A Journey of unexplained-unanswered queries in curiosity, that rise within and end often leaving you with “to be or not to be” In attempt to find answers in relevance to the dispersed layers of quoted and coded - A path to vivid thoughtful of imaginations, illuminated in the darkest most that could be. 

They say, a little change, could bring about a little spark, having said that, I went for a new hair cut & danced, watching myself do that after ages. Now shaken, stirred & exhausted after the miraculous act of believing & pretending that I could, I had this inner joy & sorrow of doing something that I wanted to, the things that I could have done more often, and things, that I wish I could. For all the different reasons, that made me do what I did or wanted to and bounce back.

If only! I could be stoned or act as if I am dead, in public & I could jump & run and shout or give a flying kiss or deliberately smooch someone. If only I could talk to myself and stare at people or things, I could wrap myself around in leaves and enter a public library. If only! Who is stopping you? If you do not discover yourself or unwrap the chaos inside you, nobody will ever get to know the real you and you will stand in disappointment inside the closed doors & you even figure out what you missed for all the wrong reasons. I have seen many weird people, doing weird things & now I believe being weird was a good thing no matter of what age.

All I want is this happiness deep inside that comes to me naturally and isn't a misguided one. 

So tired of this social obligatory (artificial soberness) putting me in a stagnated state of not being myself anymore. Sickened with the fake mirage of expressionists in attempts of figuring the wrongful and the fairest of all. These pretentious quarreling ego games running in a race, where everything seems artificially intellectual yet fake. 

There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope. - Gerard Way

I guess, I could be one of those, different, yet same for ever. Now loving myself for no reason is the best thing I could do, a reason though would just earn you one by itself.

This discomforted comfort, agonized rejoice, painful peace, reality disguised, ruined sorted or jeopardized. No matter how elusive or jaded my remains lie, the child within me never died. Even after I am nowhere, somewhere in the end, the story, just started to thrill & excite - Anonymous.