Monday, December 21, 2015

Elusive Butterfly & a Jaded Caterpillar

The same old, sane prudent me in the insane  paranoid world, trying to ‎pull up my sock. ‬Its cold with many cold hearts around. I still manage to stay warm with thee. Getting older & growing up - Life is indeed a state, all staged, assuming grass on the other side to be greener always. I wish I could exchange places with a much greener one. I wont mind flowers too! fingers crossed!

I feel stuck in a love triangle with an elusive butterfly with powerful wings and a jaded caterpillar who won’t move their legs further because it’s too cold outside. I feel my raw, animal side, clashing with my comfort seeking-solace yearning interior.

A Journey of all my curious questions, that rise within,and end there! , finding answers, starting from within and ending to thee. A path to thy vivid thoughtful Imaginations. Illuminated light In the darkest most. The quoted and coded, relevance of finding thee dispersed layers, in the process.

They say, a little change, can change you, having said that, Hair Cut - I just had one! I danced after ages on a peppy number & a sad melodramatic one, and watch myself as I did that, it's fun. yay! Shaken and stirred, exhausted after the miraculous act of pretending that I could dance pretty well, though I had my own crooked, lame self made steps - I had this inner joy & sorrow of doing something that I wanted to, the things that I could have  done more often, and things, that I wish I could. Of all the different reasons, that let me do, what I did, was to get that little bling in me back, and bounce!

If only! I could be stoned and act as if I am dead, in public, I could jump & run, and shout, and give a flying kiss, or smooch thee. If only I could talk to myself and stare thee, I could wrap myself around in leaves and enter a public library. I have seen many weird people, doing weird things, but I am just being myself. If only! Who is stopping you?

And If you do not discover yourself, if you do not unwrap the chaos inside of you, nobody will ever get to know the real you and you will stand in disappointment at all the closed doors you missed for all the wrong reasons.

I have lived with, strolled by, witnessed, those who say I love you, and the ones who hate all together for no rhyme or reason, and the ones who might just have an agenda, or maybe it's for the heck of it, they are afraid to loose you, for you are the only thing that they are clinging on to, and aware they stand, they shall have nothing and nobody else, if this one was lost. It would forever,irrespective of not having the same love or a feeling of hatred that used to be, or it never was eventually. Maybe it was just a phase that came and went. I don't blame them, its like we all are the culprits, including me - I am not denying that very fact. Now that's how love works in Loveland, you start to loose the fondness & the same sparky tender, puppy love, infatuated inclination - now that too can be because of several reason, many more triangles and squares, and circles that go pathways in motion, lack of sex, lustful or lust less faithfulness or unfair shades of grey. hatred on the other hand has a handful of peculiar thoughtful or unperceived righteous perception of doing it there way. Both can grow, fade, diminish, live & die forever and the viciousness. Ever wondered how many of those you ever heard or reciprocated back, how deep they touched, how often heartfelt, how far and near did they make things end. Conclusive yet dramatic, blunt and pampered was to let you know, thy fondness or fuck you. I can be with you not just because I want you, its because you want me & in the same way, I want to be with you, and not be alone & secluded.

Tired of thee artificial obligatory soberness! Enough of just being not me anymore! Sickened with the fake mirage expressionists. Its just with everyone, I tell you, closest and the far, the
wrongful and the fairest of all. These ego pretending games, and running in a race, where everything seems artificially intellectual yet fake. All I want is to be happy deep inside, with happiness that comes to me naturally and isn't a misguided one. I with no reason to give it a second thought could do what I wanted to, not worried about the socio-ego. No matter of what age I was. Why do we have to stagnate with such obligations, Why are we so lost and sad to be lonely, (Yes we are, no matter how much we deny that) and in constant need for such securities that bind us up altogether.

Discomforted comfort, agonized rejoice, painful peace, reality disguised. No matter how jeopardized and ruined my remains lie, thy child within me never died, and will never ever. Even after I am nowhere, I will be somewhere. The End - Vicious circle!. The story, just started getting excited.
To say a person is a happy person or an unhappy person is ridiculous. We are a thousand different kinds of people every hour. - Anthony Doerr

I guess, I could be one of those, different, yet same for ever.

Now loving myself for no reason is the best thing I could do, a reason though would just earn you one by itself. but not over do it.  - Anonymous

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