Hopefully Hopeful

I quit! I mean I wish I could quit. Just one day I’d like to get up and simply quit trying, and merely accept everything as it is. I’m really tired of getting up every morning to face another day of hope. I can’t kick it off, shake it off, blow it off, or throw it off. There seems to be no way that I can get rid of it. Usually I’m alright with it, even thankful for hope. But sometimes, like today, it makes me want to scream. I want to drop it at the door and walk away. Other people do. How do they do it? I can’t. Hope won’t let me. I try. I do. But it overcomes me every time. Am I weak, or am I strong? I can always find something positive from ‘on the other hand.! Let me cry with despair. Let me drop my unfinished projects and give up on my unfinished personal growth. Let me walk away a quitter. wow! Let me say, “I am a failure,” take a deep breath, and tune out. Let me sit down with a big bag of chips and dip, and stare at the tube until the electricity is shut off while I’m still murmuring, “I quit” I still want to say it again, “I quit.” Once more, “I QUIT!” But even in despair… I care. Why must I find hope in the midst of despair? When I reach what might be the end of my rope, I unravel it and make it long enough to reach whatever is needed. I’ve never yet reached the end, the dead end. There’s always enough hope to make all things work for good. Does every dark cloud have to have a silver lining? Leave it at every silver lining has a cloud. And I’ll just float away on that cloud into oblivion. Oh it’s no use. I’d make a parachute out of the lining, fall gently to earth, and learn something positive from the experience. There is just no escaping hopefulness. And hope breeds determination, and determination is exhausting. I’m tired. But hope picks me up, brushes me off, secures my stance, & equips me. And I wonder, does it even matter – the things I do? Maybe not, but still I can’t quit. So I remain hopelessly hopeful, but on the other hand? Maybe that’s it. Maybe therein lies my hope of hopelessness, my hope of failure, my ability to quit. There seems to be no release from hopefulness for someone who loves thy Lord, and look upon thee as a Savior. But perhaps I can find failure in the hopelessness of being hopeless? Is this where I can finally give up? It’s not exactly what I had in mind, but I will give it a try. Okay, I’ll give up on being hopeless. There! I quit! I have failed. I have truly failed. I think I feel a small measure of relief. I think I’m breathing easier. Yes, yes, I am. I have totally failed at being hopeless. And now I will simply quit trying; no more fighting it. I’m throwing in the towel, leaving the ring – heading for the shower. I give up. I quit. Oh…I just knew it. Hope won’t even give me time to wallow in my success of failure. For I’m sensing an undeniable burden for the hopelessness. We’ll probably meet to explore the source of hope together & become hopeful. And someday, down the road, too find ourselves with an acute case of low energy, exhaustively murmuring, “Is there no escape from hopefulness?” Inside feels like I'm stuck here suspended, At best underwhelming, what's wrong with me? My conscious is calling, But the world isn't all, it's cracked up to be...I'm hopelessly hopeful...That I'm not stuck here suspended. In a world I pretended was right for me, for me... What's wrong with me? - Anonymous