Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out...
I am just an example of a tortured set of present participles dangling out of my sheer experiences of a lifetime for a long time now & I end up doing the same mistake every time. Although I am glad to have made it so far,,,but it has not been that easy.
I have been used by people who I wrongly mistook of being there for me for long time, & they would always end up this re-union of kinds... wanting me to rather believe, that I could go on with this unrequited love - where in, I had these feelings, while it wont be from the other end or one wont feel in the same way. I was no way going to wait in this torturous anticipation of hoping to have any possibly it at all there was a slightest of chance to make it become mutual - you're better off if you don't expect it to. If someone feels absolutely nothing for you and couldn't care less whether you happen to be in the same room together or separated by an ocean, that's not likely to change.
"La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated"
My ex-used me & it was not just once, but in series of vulnerable attempts that I always ended up with so may of them, getting caught - believing it to be a healthy relationship of sorts, but it didn't seem to be in reality, at the first place - which I usually ended up thinking about later. Things not even before they start, seem to hint you, that they wont go ahead & still no matter how hard you tired to make it happen, they wont just turn sound, specially the distanced love it might be or just about few steps away.
Now & forever, it has always seemed to have ended up in platonic pandoras of uncertainties - so fragile outcomes, leaving you reluctantly impatient solitude. It came to my learning later, that there were people in large numbers who (by hook or crook) at first made you believe that they would stand by you emotionally & mentally if at all there was nothing sexual about it, but then actually turning out to be liars, who actually wanted to feed on you, being friends with benefits or for reasons best known to them & as soon as they realized that you were not going to single-handedly comfort them anymore welcoming there malice intentions of having to let them use you as & when they wanted - taking you for guaranteed, they would immediately make it a point to run away after consoling you that they could just be friends, still in there attempts, trying to make you possibly believe, that they were not guilty & not at fault.
The whole scenario of people doing that deliberately by now have actually made me realize that the world was one insane piece of shit, & people who generally talked about love &, relationships & friendships were actually the ones, who never wanted any of this at the first place & all they were keen enough about was a less talked inhibition of there that was away from love.
I never not wanted my love story to be a single sided one - I always wanted a mutual partner in love forever.
Located in Mumbai, I am a thirty-eight year old in a professional to media, fashion & glamour industry, & I've met so many of the sorts who want to climb up the ladder of success through my shoulders through and through. This game that they play makes me agitated & perturbed thinking them to be sick bastards who would befriend me first & then they would unfriend & leave me alone to have acquainted me with these altitudes of grief stricken consequences, wherein I would fall apart, believing not to easily trust or have faith in everyone or anyone that rather ranted about things they never meant.
Despite being quite of an experienced sorts, my emotional to the core tendency often finds me falling as a prey to this one more likely again & again.
Intuitive me - reluctant as much as I seem to be, try to flee away settling down to the minimalist approaches likewise with no expectations. With these seldom reasoning of sorts that grow within me - getting carried away, in attempts of not to be be-fooled in blindfold games of ironical consequences. Just because I had bad experiences in he past, that does not mean I wont try to gather myself once more & give it a try again, but these number of disappointments always end me into fleeing away from the wrongful pacifying myself & sufficing my soul with a lonely lowliness - wandering in an earnest need of these fly-by-night dreams that had got me into all this & that of going & doing the necessarily unnecessary in hope to find someone who could just stay forever.
This eager curiosity of a well ignited passion to set everything else on fire, keeping aside for the moment the tormented disturbances and enjoy the drizzles of this so called emotional craving, caring & everything that comes as a part & parcel of this destined foolish blunder called love - in any forms to my willingness, trying to give it a try & abide by for as little or more.
I realized in course of time, that I was not the one being a prey to this pick, use & throw ideology by people who smartly believed themselves to have had already 'invented & invaded' - using you as a stepping stone, either to pacify there emotional & physical urges or using you as a utility-outlet as a commodity for venting out there emotional stories or to bed you for there physical pleasures of "one night stands" .
A lot of time & energy gets wasted trying to figure out knowing someone & investing ones emotions in expectations that come naturally, The amount of courage that goes by, explaining your vulnerabilities, desires, anguish & other things in a comforted confrontation with the other person & hearing there part, absolutely explains thoroughly this role play of sorts that had its way out & was one of its kind.
No matter how surprisingly It was to understand this tendency of people trying to buy or borrow you as a utility on a barter deal for ones achievement - & witfully bully you with boxes of turmoil left beside you at the end to vent by. It was humorously weird & sad how people could play games thinking they could easily make anyone fools in there attempt of a instant & an easiest way out to sleep with someone to lure them to be more useful to the other end. Easy was it to make someone fall for you - it was like an art they thought they had mastered over & you were becoming a prey to there selfish motives, was their ulterior motive.
These number of incidents following the same patterns over & over, taking me for guaranteed, on a roller coaster ride unknowingly & unwillingly to a Pandora of "what it seemed like to be" a healthy nurturing relationship of sorts, but in practice happen to be just another lame shit blunder happening in my life more then once which was hard to actually realize & differentiate how the whole hierarchy of events from the starting till the end were just meant to be preconditioned & self-motioned notion of ones deliberate attempt to blush & flush one down to this emotional wanderings.
In its viciousness, going in circles, there were a many in a win-win situation & others a failure in there attempt to disguise in a more evidently yet complex metaphors of unfair trials. Everything & everyone else came and went - sparing me with horrid horrors or taming me to this hallucinated game-plan with its aftermath so unbelievably petite, yet torturous to the core for as long it lasted. Judging it all through a intuited mind quickly & getting over it as soon as possible was seldom a blessing in disguise.
I guess by now , I have learned to rather say, "excuse me, then to be misused thoroughly". - Anonymous
I am just an example of a tortured set of present participles dangling out of my sheer experiences of a lifetime for a long time now & I end up doing the same mistake every time. Although I am glad to have made it so far,,,but it has not been that easy.
I have been used by people who I wrongly mistook of being there for me for long time, & they would always end up this re-union of kinds... wanting me to rather believe, that I could go on with this unrequited love - where in, I had these feelings, while it wont be from the other end or one wont feel in the same way. I was no way going to wait in this torturous anticipation of hoping to have any possibly it at all there was a slightest of chance to make it become mutual - you're better off if you don't expect it to. If someone feels absolutely nothing for you and couldn't care less whether you happen to be in the same room together or separated by an ocean, that's not likely to change.
"La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated"
My ex-used me & it was not just once, but in series of vulnerable attempts that I always ended up with so may of them, getting caught - believing it to be a healthy relationship of sorts, but it didn't seem to be in reality, at the first place - which I usually ended up thinking about later. Things not even before they start, seem to hint you, that they wont go ahead & still no matter how hard you tired to make it happen, they wont just turn sound, specially the distanced love it might be or just about few steps away.
Now & forever, it has always seemed to have ended up in platonic pandoras of uncertainties - so fragile outcomes, leaving you reluctantly impatient solitude. It came to my learning later, that there were people in large numbers who (by hook or crook) at first made you believe that they would stand by you emotionally & mentally if at all there was nothing sexual about it, but then actually turning out to be liars, who actually wanted to feed on you, being friends with benefits or for reasons best known to them & as soon as they realized that you were not going to single-handedly comfort them anymore welcoming there malice intentions of having to let them use you as & when they wanted - taking you for guaranteed, they would immediately make it a point to run away after consoling you that they could just be friends, still in there attempts, trying to make you possibly believe, that they were not guilty & not at fault.
The whole scenario of people doing that deliberately by now have actually made me realize that the world was one insane piece of shit, & people who generally talked about love &, relationships & friendships were actually the ones, who never wanted any of this at the first place & all they were keen enough about was a less talked inhibition of there that was away from love.
I never not wanted my love story to be a single sided one - I always wanted a mutual partner in love forever.
Located in Mumbai, I am a thirty-eight year old in a professional to media, fashion & glamour industry, & I've met so many of the sorts who want to climb up the ladder of success through my shoulders through and through. This game that they play makes me agitated & perturbed thinking them to be sick bastards who would befriend me first & then they would unfriend & leave me alone to have acquainted me with these altitudes of grief stricken consequences, wherein I would fall apart, believing not to easily trust or have faith in everyone or anyone that rather ranted about things they never meant.
Despite being quite of an experienced sorts, my emotional to the core tendency often finds me falling as a prey to this one more likely again & again.
Intuitive me - reluctant as much as I seem to be, try to flee away settling down to the minimalist approaches likewise with no expectations. With these seldom reasoning of sorts that grow within me - getting carried away, in attempts of not to be be-fooled in blindfold games of ironical consequences. Just because I had bad experiences in he past, that does not mean I wont try to gather myself once more & give it a try again, but these number of disappointments always end me into fleeing away from the wrongful pacifying myself & sufficing my soul with a lonely lowliness - wandering in an earnest need of these fly-by-night dreams that had got me into all this & that of going & doing the necessarily unnecessary in hope to find someone who could just stay forever.
This eager curiosity of a well ignited passion to set everything else on fire, keeping aside for the moment the tormented disturbances and enjoy the drizzles of this so called emotional craving, caring & everything that comes as a part & parcel of this destined foolish blunder called love - in any forms to my willingness, trying to give it a try & abide by for as little or more.
I realized in course of time, that I was not the one being a prey to this pick, use & throw ideology by people who smartly believed themselves to have had already 'invented & invaded' - using you as a stepping stone, either to pacify there emotional & physical urges or using you as a utility-outlet as a commodity for venting out there emotional stories or to bed you for there physical pleasures of "one night stands" .
A lot of time & energy gets wasted trying to figure out knowing someone & investing ones emotions in expectations that come naturally, The amount of courage that goes by, explaining your vulnerabilities, desires, anguish & other things in a comforted confrontation with the other person & hearing there part, absolutely explains thoroughly this role play of sorts that had its way out & was one of its kind.
No matter how surprisingly It was to understand this tendency of people trying to buy or borrow you as a utility on a barter deal for ones achievement - & witfully bully you with boxes of turmoil left beside you at the end to vent by. It was humorously weird & sad how people could play games thinking they could easily make anyone fools in there attempt of a instant & an easiest way out to sleep with someone to lure them to be more useful to the other end. Easy was it to make someone fall for you - it was like an art they thought they had mastered over & you were becoming a prey to there selfish motives, was their ulterior motive.
These number of incidents following the same patterns over & over, taking me for guaranteed, on a roller coaster ride unknowingly & unwillingly to a Pandora of "what it seemed like to be" a healthy nurturing relationship of sorts, but in practice happen to be just another lame shit blunder happening in my life more then once which was hard to actually realize & differentiate how the whole hierarchy of events from the starting till the end were just meant to be preconditioned & self-motioned notion of ones deliberate attempt to blush & flush one down to this emotional wanderings.
In its viciousness, going in circles, there were a many in a win-win situation & others a failure in there attempt to disguise in a more evidently yet complex metaphors of unfair trials. Everything & everyone else came and went - sparing me with horrid horrors or taming me to this hallucinated game-plan with its aftermath so unbelievably petite, yet torturous to the core for as long it lasted. Judging it all through a intuited mind quickly & getting over it as soon as possible was seldom a blessing in disguise.
I guess by now , I have learned to rather say, "excuse me, then to be misused thoroughly". - Anonymous
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