Thursday, June 30, 2011

On a LEAVE of Absence

I'm going to try to not make this extremely long. But I just feel so lost lately and i imagine I'm not the only one in this type of situation but I just don't know how to stop feeling so bad.

I'm 26, almost 27. i graduated from a good college with honors in 2010 (BA in history). (majored in education for a little bit though). But I had no idea what I wanted to do - figured out I didn't want to be a teacher. when I graduated, that's when the economy started to worsen and it was hard to find a job. so I took an office job where i worked as a student at my college. the pay is fine for a first job. but it's not a career. I quickly got bored and looked for a way out. I applied and got into a MS program at another college for a degree in school counseling. I tried that out last semester (2011) and realized. no way, counseling not for me. I'm way too emotional and I don't want to work with students who have problems and i don't want to think about my own problems more then I need to and I don't want to go home thinking about depressed students, etc. I also think i really rushed into applying because I just was desperate.

so right now I am on a "leave of absence" from that grad program - I probably won't go back though. I am back to my job of working full time, and i like the job more than I used to, but still it's not a career. i did talk to someone about how i am interested in more responsibility, moving up, etc. but it's not a job with passion.

so, i don't know where to go from here. i feel like i am empty because i don't have something i am working toward or know what i want or anything. i mean at this point i know that i am very passionate about learning about history, i love reading fiction and historical fiction, and non fiction books. i do not like to write.

my boyfriend is following his dream in the film industry and he is finally getting somewhere - going to work on a show with a lot of interesting travel and he writes every day, it drives him. i don't have that and watching him have that makes me feel even more empty.

I have ideas of what to do but i feel frozen and scared to act. Taking non-credit classes to find out my interests or applying for other graduate programs. I could try to apply for jobs (open to all other ideas) I could just sit tight working here and try to move up where I am.

All of these are decent options i think, but even though i have them in my head i don't know how to stop feeling so bad.

I keep telling myself I'm so young i don't have to figure my life out now - but I want to. it's hard to live so vaguely. (side note, i do appreciate that i have had a job since I graduated and have been earning money steadily - i know others have not been so lucky.) - Anonymous

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