Thursday, September 12, 2013

THIS & THAT


I was continuously tossing into the air and trying to catch so as to keep at least one in the air while handling the others. I juggled in a frantic blur, distraught with fear, anxiety & emotions in a tizzy trying to cope with by adroitly balancing & organizing in my frantic attempts to resuscitate these ‘endless impressions of ‘this & that’ which seem to be invading & creating a chaos in my head. 

I was shaken & stirred, going in circles of motion-commotion - hopefully believing it eventually to rescue, leaving my mind spotless or completely erased at the end with a sorted amend. I was still finding it difficult to come back to my senses - come back to life. Panicky & berserk - all worked up, I was perspiring’ly wet, het up & fevered - feverish in a cold sweat. Turning into a swivel-eyed after being in a flat spin. It seemed as if I would any soon be tearing my hair out. 

Thoughts have a funny & weird way of traveling from one agenda to another, while you are awaken or slept. They would hibernate for a while - hidden, and pop-up just like that having your head forcefully ridden. Things had planned a way out to keep my mind busy, shifting from one irrelevant thought process to another - it hardly mattered. I don't know, I am not sure if I've been day dreaming or not, but one thing I was certain about & that was - I wasn't liking this mood swing - that had got into me all by itself. My head wasn't an empty vessel or a barrel but still made most noises - spoke the most loudest & I didn't liked the sound of it. It wasn't empty either, so how could it possibly be a home to devil with the least talent & knowledge? I could feel there was something ignorantly evil about it which created the fuss, deliberately trying to discredit me with its self opinionated of opinions, making its presence felt. Hypnotized by these thought provoking - alarming yet ghostly of things so talkative in volumes those went around-came around at its sweet will staying for a while. I was telling myself ‘all is well’ when nothing was. I wasn't at peace & couldn't contain anymore. When would it finally stop to follow & go away leaving my head hollow? 

Dreams or no dreams, the thought process of varied interests had already engrossed my head. I was forced to remember about things I’ve witnessed or the ones that were hung somewhere in between still feeding my soul. From nuances of a day to day life & the chore-full of activities, the choicest of your prioritized of things & others (seldom pending) those fled away with wings. My head was turning into a wanderer - wondering...why me? Clinging on to these episodes without any reason. If only I could go blank & could stop thinking. Whatever space I was left with, was by now crowd’y - haunted, traumatized by ‘this & that’ so rowdy. My head was a host to these random flashbacks of people, places, conversations, memories & things in extreme - the real, virtual, imaginary, reel & the surreal. I was thinking without the thinking hats on. it got even worse, when I failed to get answers for what happened wrong? I tried figuring but had already lost my patience - with an acquaintance-strangled, being strangely-entangled.

From a sleepless night to a overslept fright, I was awakened to this head aching fight. In my utter drowsiness of sleep, I was about to weep - unless I had a pain killer I wasn't getting relieved or going back to sleep. I had to get rescued from the clutches. This & that had by now silently crept - stood there staring at me, while I wept. I was exhausted waiting for it to get sorted. I had nothing else to do, there was no one, I could turn to & tell who? I tossed & turned trying to combat, my senses bombarded with ‘this & that.’My heart was sending signals to my brain, but in vein. I wanted it all to drain - I was in pain.

These self urges & promises to oneself & life long commitments to people & things made, anticipating & acknowledging the few courteous ones laid. I often start & end up thinking about ‘how much time I got at my disposal & whether I’ve done what all I’ve  ever dreamt of? & while I would sit & build up my bucket list of needily desired, striking off the unwanted - it would every time, at the end disappear slipping-away. I was least bothered - I am not sure if I actually wanted to have one.

Let me get hold of a quick start manual to pursue some likely healthy options and habits that could boost me up, & while I decide to follow it from tomorrow (which never comes), I am still trying to give myself more reasons to abide by. As of now, I have other things beside me to take care about or look after, everything else can wait thereafter. I hope one fine day things would definitively make their way. 

“As far as this & that is concerned, let it doodle. I hopefully will find answers - for everything else there is Google.”- Anonymous

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