Saturday, August 30, 2014

Fucked in a.Fuckin-Way - So Gay

Why can't I just not fall in love with the one I am fond of , or even infatuated or willing to bed with. Why can't the other person relate to me in the same way. Why it has to be looks, or any other reasons of the past experienced turmoils that don't let people find trust and hope in the new. Why won't they even give it a try. Why is it that every time we have to be fake, and why is it that every time we have to hide our feelings for someone, that might just not be so responsive enough to give it a considerable thoughtfulness.

gay,bi,ugly,fine,rich,poor,skinny,fat,tall,short,orange,black,white,purple - a friend is a friend - if you don't judge.

"We all have our part of stories, relationships, loneliness, brilliant sunshine memories, fairytale folklore's, mushy love & so on. There can be a happy endless journey, and there can be a ruined ending to it. Well you are the one to make decisions over it & if witty enough you would realize with a glimpse of certainty of its being".

"A good intention clothes itself with power(never wear masks) - that sure would have been a powerful intention, intentionally or unintentional.- Now how powerful, needs to be figured out.But what if someone likes undressing much more then being clothed?"
I met him to soon after a days conversation, and he stayed at my place at night. We just slept little far from each-other. Though I had intentionally not made it clear that I was possibly attracted towards this person. I could not possibly make all the effortless chances of any kinds in the darkness of the tired body that was must exhausted and wanted to sleep(though, not particularly, that was something that I wanted. The other side was reserved and shy to make any advances, being in a state of unsure agendas & future. I on the other hand was willing to hug this person, hold thy hands, look at his closed eyes & face, his sleeping posture.

"Nothing else then my soul had a hard on, irrespective of anything, or nothing, there it could shag it self off at that very moment".

I don't know, I guess it was a bad dunked state of my very being, overwhelmed by the understanding of this person in a dry state, that said yes, when I asked him, I would want you to stay tonight. With drizzled rain in that time frame that brought something pleasant to the entire gamut of just two of us a sourrounding, joyous and easy going, without any agitations and masks, no camouflaged pretentious mind, absolutely nothing - blank state of 'enjoying that very excitement of meeting someone that made me feel good about. Sharing on the glass of wine & whiskey & the little food left, something told me, there was a friend or a friend to be, or even more, that was pretty much up straight on my face with little of things, and rest all hidden and piled. There was this age gap between us, but did not felt if there was any. I was good to have someone staying up not very far from you at times, someone easily you could end up, crying your heart out to, and telling all the real stories of your unshared piles of happiess & saddened being. Discussing as little as we talked, little conversations that just came and go.

With a glare of Light that all possibly could I get from my cellphone, looking at him by means of indirect light, Despite being anxiously excited to see not much of the the naked flesh on his body that I could see though, The little that I saw, made me more curious and I rather fell in love and fondness with the clothed and wrapped up soul, that slept like a baby next to me. Something told me, that there he lay in a sleep that was not a sound one, for there was something in his mind and heart that was going along, while he slept. Maybe a little bit of nervousness to stay night at a stranger who he just met, and knew for a day. Sharing a bed, was not a phrase as in a sexual parameter, but it was more of that little comfort zone & trust that there was between the two of us, somewhere telling us more it could, from our past experiences and agendas and chores of our daily lives, that we had lived up to until now.

I did not thought it to be a good idea to come close and make any advances of any kinds,giving any wrong message. I still made an effort to hold and hug this person as little I could make gestures of hugging him, and being close to him, wanting to feel him as much as I could - hold, kiss and love(with no sexual misinterpretation), seeking only emotional security & comfort of someone that slept very next to me, and for all I could repeatedly whisper was that I love you, & could possibly crave only for your attention and love in return - the little or more physical endurance and emotional comfort that I wanted to run down deep into. It was like I was a soul that too human, that longed for a longing to be intimately involved. (There certainly was no need of things to end with sex, but all I wanted was in that drunken state of my very being to ease out all that I could, in the darkness of night). Little sleepy & at the same time sleepless, awake myself wanting to somehow get close and intimate, thought it not to be the day, when we could possibly end into doing something like that). For sure it was a fateful , lucky day of meeting a stranger, with a little reserved nature. complimenting the other side, still trying to wanting to pull all the conversational strings over couple of drinks,food, chat & music the late evening & music and cup of tea in the morning. How did that night passed by, no one other then me ,myself knew. For later I told that very person that I made friendly & romantic gestures towards him, with kisses and hugs, while he slept. Good it was to enjoy thee company & looking forward in anticipation for it to happen it again in a little more open - intimate "out of the closet way".

I would have wanted to hug him up and shook his hands,if not a kiss, while I left him at the Rickshaw, few miles away, walkable distance from my house, that I walked with him to. I guess I had not been a pretty good host, It could have been little better. I am sorry if I could not concentrate much on the thought of a hungry stomach, that he might have had, for there was not much to offer. If there be a next time, All I hope is he understand me even better, and makes this relationship worthy, giving me a food for thought to trust and understand the term of so called orientation/friendly relationship, that we could possibly share. I would have wanted him to stay more, if I did not had any plans, though I guess all the more he also would have wanted to say, if he had a clear picture of it our this so called meeting was a success.

 As they always say" I will count on you & you can count on me  - We will always together, if we could".

Starting it all a fresh.-sometimes, some things are meant to be the way they are done, for good things to come, bad things to go or vice-verse  and experience them. That imply - let the bad relationship go and get over with it, its by no means going to benefit you. End it completely with no memories of the past to trouble you. "There is always a second last chance to things 'that come over, & go by". Enough of the remorse over the petty sick unworthy, if it was fateful enough to end this way, it sure was destined, and was not to bring about any peace, if ever it lasted long & continued in this unhygienic way.

When we know we are interested in the orientation that is a tabooed subject. we tend to get lost, and lured, with the sexual part of it - infatuated for the time being, until its done on the bed, rather don't figure out on the emotional aspect of it for a longer run, for more of a heart to heart and soul to soul connection. materialistic pleasures - we seek to seek! Not every flesh has a heart to love and live. momentum as much as sex and looks, infatuation cud be, emotions cud go forever. Nothing wrong in seeking pleasure and going with the flow of the so called sexual desperate longings, but then it should not get turned off, when it's done with, it should continue more often for much long' with a connection of soul & love too, off and on the bed.

"When you talk about sex - You.find it intellectual - When I do, you call me desperate. - I find that rather amusing".


"My bed was just not a means to satisfy you  - Wish you could have touched my soul""For all the while infatuated I stood, hoping  I would get someone -  the other person mistook me for just another prostitute sibling for his wanking gratification & sexual chores".

For you it was all OK & done away with kinds, But for me I still stand guilty of what I did on bed with you, cursing.myself. All I ever wanted was to make you happy on bed ,expecting you would be with me forever my friend - this & that- it took a while & I understood. I run down to the corners, somewhere in my heart with wondering thoughts - I still try to forget about it - Craving all the more for you, even after what you did, we did. I find myself lost & lured by you & want to tell you' here I am at your disposal - use me, the way you want  -for my fondness for you grew after that night for not easy for me to have sex randomly & I know - you do it & you do it nice  I shall moan & forget, there is no love from your side(it was just a pretentious act). For, we said "I love you" even before we met & now after we had it thy never existed love from you died & fled away, coming to an end  - I see you stand unreal as a selfish spree, but then for me, sex was pious & my love was real/my infatuation was physical, yet emotional - I give you again though one last chance. I know I will have to repent this, but what the fuck, let it be.

"If only sex could quench thy thirst,it would be with a person, who can respect, love, like you at the same time, with an understanding to make things grow between you, and let it not just be for one night stand. What is it that does not suffice you with one & your quench for more grows & you are left with random faces/flesh. Willing to give yourself to the other person, and at the same time wanting to have someone/anyone".

Thy heart has seen markets where they sell love,& they are pretty good at it, sad that they,sell it often & to everyone' with a price tag,that seems so professional n branded, but it's way to cheap, & get's withered with time, lasts' as little as low & deprives & vanishes, gets lost-gone with the wind kinds. I so would advise them to replace it with game; & I am sure there market's would flourish & boom pretty awesome. Since more then half of the populated world is lured by thy and not thee. business - I tell you, they need more tactics, they need to get educated & then market it all. For sure they can certainly keep me out of that league. unleash me from there desirously insane tantrums.

Here Shit, there Shit, Every Where - Shit-Shit - (Now Sing) Old McDonald had a farm,& at the end it all lost charm. Eeeeaaa.I.Eeeaa,I.O - Yours Anonymous' Oh Fuck 

P.S Masturbation is a good option, not that healthy habit if you do it more often though' Shake it Baby (Ain't no Shakira or a Baby-Doll either)

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