I almost had a thorough check of my temperature for about a week now & I was still feeling warm. I have swelling & dry skin on my legs & little pain, apart from other places that have outgrown baby & adult fat. It seems like I've started gaining weight now. It annoys me & makes me worried. I don't even fit in my clothes now, which were perfect two months back...so that means a new wardrobe?, what I do with the old one! Winters have started to make me more clumsy & lazy.
Quick power naps or long restless ones - a state of mind that seems to dissolve or dissociate as soon as it hits the bed one after the other, in continuations or random. Looking myself in the mirror after getting up in the morning confirms if I had a good amount of sound sleep or otherwise. But that again doesn't specifically demonstrate how well or how much of actual, under or oversleep I had accomplished yet.
Too much of sleeping makes me more sick, but if I don't sleep, I would end up into lucid dreaming or 'Acting out Dreams' even when I am sitting doing noting. I would find myself struggling with a sudden loss of muscle tone & sleep paralysis.
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran quotes "Science is like a love affair with nature; an elusive, tantalising mistress. It has all the turbulence, twists and turns of romantic love, but that's part of the game."
As far as my story goes, its rather ironical right now. It's tough, being pretty much broken bodily and out of the game of life for a bit.
“I stand upon the brink of a precipice. Peering into the abyss - growing sick and dizzy. By slow degrees this suffering become merged in a fearful cloud of unnamable feeling. By gradations, still more imperceptible, this cloud assumes a shape which chills the very marrow of my bones with the fierceness of the delight of its ghastly and loathsome horror. I wish I could make an effort to shake off this nightmare of the soul. I feel a maddening desire to shriek aloud. Every succeeding wave of thought overwhelms me with new terror, for, alas! I well, too well understood that to think, in my situation so ‘unwell’, was to be lost.
There is no passion in nature so demoniacally impatient, as that of me who, shuddering upon the edge of a precipice, thus meditates a plunge. To indulge, for a moment, in any attempt at thought, is to be inevitably lost; for reflection but urges me to forbear, and therefore it is, I say, that I cannot. If there be no friendly arm to check me, or if I fail in a sudden effort to prostrate myself backward from the abyss, I plunge, and am destroyed. I want this to get over soon.
I speak with a distinct enunciation, with marked emphasis and passionate hurry, as if in dread of interruption with pregnant sentences that consign me to the hangman and to hell.
I turned - I gasped for breath. For a moment I experienced all the pangs of suffocation; I became blind, and deaf, and giddy;" (Edgar Allan Poe-The Imp of the Perverse)
I’ve finally managed to find the lost pair of socks after almost a year, from the time I had them removed off my feet while sleeping at night. After struggling in despair hard I've finally had given up and had been wearing a blue and a black one ever since. It s(u)ocks big time. I’ve lost a silver spoon, that keeps falling every time now & then, that is kept along with a kettle & cutlery to feed me every time, & its only this time, that I am so impatient to bend down & look for it under my bed, with a torchlight. I guess this lost & found tragedy is part of my life by now & I am getting used to it.
Although its good to be pampered & served well, it has its own ups & downs. I no more believe in watermelon magic. I don't want to sound like a man of profound sadness betraying myself when I am happy: seizing upon happiness as I would choke and strangle it, out of jealousy-ah, I know only too well that it will flee from me!
How strange it is for an individual to stop talking, but hard to say nothing or stop communicating through body idiom, he must say either the right thing or the wrong thing. I have been communicating silently mostly, I don't talk to anyone much, but I do end up talking to myself most of the time. I've stopped thinking about what's right or wrong anymore.
At times, I've to recheck if things I am holding on to or things I am doing do relevantly exist or its just an illusion. The other day I thought I was eating a sesame & peanut sweetened bar & the other day, I discovered I had nothing in my hand, when I brought my favorite bone china dragon-engraved cup of coffee close to my face to drink. There have been times, when I've found my spectacles lying on the floor. I’ve broken few already. I am just worried, I don't want to end up holding on to things & breaking them apart just in case they fall or slip, if they were there for real.
I received a message from you that read "Can I come over right now?" to which I nodded a Yes & as I was about to text you back, that you were most welcome...while I cleaned my spectacles & rubbed my eyes with a corner of my t-shirt, trying to look at 'what time it was?' I realized there was no such message. 10:41 PM, Dec 29, 2020
Even these rats have started to figure out the hidden places, where I store my food-some treasures & I need to be vigilant enough not to have them spoilt. I now make sure I have them hung much above the ground or finish them quickly before they do.
I am so Unwell, even porn doesn't excites me no more. I have almost given up masturbation as much I have given up hours of praying.
As of now I am still sticking to the set plan as much as am I stuck to my bed with everything else.
It's the last day of this year & I am still trying to find Santa 's whereabouts...since he didn't deliver my gifts this Christmas - I still have high hopes, He better be late then never.
I am back. Wild horses couldn't keep me away. If you ask me now, how I am? I would say much better, thank you. partially rested, mildly medicated & ready to resume my wellness. - Anonymous
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