Is it only me getting the panic attacks? Am I a loser? No, I am an emotional fool, just an old school averagely mediocre God fearing lunatic. Just don't judge me. You don't even have to believe a word I say. Pardon! If it sounds ridiculously insane.
No I ain't a surgeon either with a mask & a sanitizer & gloves on, But I so wish I could kill someone right now on the operation table. I am not one of those ideal kitchen friendly ones, but that doesn't implies that I can't cook. It's just that I ain't a chef. I would still be chopping the shit out of everyone else if not me & end up sobbing without onions unless I learn to practice anger & stress management. I could be hired as a model for advertisements related to the pandemic. Apart from other things that I am afraid of, getting vaccinated is one of them.
I would settle down with a cup of tea or coffee & a bowl of maggi watching Netflix, I love blackcurrant ice-cream with raisins or no raisins, I guess a little bit of it won't raise my sins of committing a sinful act of pampering myself once in a while. but I have these cavities that won't let my sweet tooth drool away to one or many. You've just left the health conscious me mouth watering. Yeah right!
My day starts & ends trying to find solace with myself, trying to gather myself into bits & pieces & putting it back to this jigsaw puzzle. The assemblage is a tough job but I survive either trying to fit in or by falling apart, losing & winning between a handful of tasks. Ah! The burden, that I've piled upon myself - You don't even have any idea.
I am on (antidepressants (medications), this depression, stress & anger(outrage) keeps troubling me. Apart from other ailments, I've even got myself consoled & counselled online(may be I paid to get a ear to listen to me). Do I consider this as a middle life crisis or a lesson well taught?
I have been meditating trying to find answers. The visionary nostalgia of moments keeps appearing, troubling me whenever I am doing my prayers - I am learning to shoo them away. I keep seeing these numbers too, that might be of relevance or not. It makes me curious & excited.
The other day after having rice, I suffered few minutes of severe deadly pang of breathlessness. It must have been because of food getting stuck into the windpipe. For a moment, I thought it was my time to bid goodbye, but guess it wasn't. Thank God.
.
My children understand me well. They are settled abroad, we have a well knitted connection. I live with my mother at her house who is a pillar standing by my side & I can't praise her enough for supporting me. It's been a blessing in disguise being born with a silver spoon & brought up(pampered) by loving parents. Now we are the ones looking after each other.
I sometimes get totally fed up of life. My husband's indifference & my mothers constant bickering & everything else turns me into a ping-pong ball & I lose control & react over (petite little things). I find guilt & reasoning scolding me at the end, when I think about it & I beg thee for mercy & excuse(better late than ever). I guess I need better things and people to vent my vacuum out on.
I like being a self dependent & have been a career oriented one. I've been doing decently well being a homemaker as well working from home. It's a blessing in disguise to be busy with things that you love. Keeps you miles away from the nuances of life.
I have been like a shuttlecock after my marriage, trying to switch between, taking turns & pleasing everyone. I have not been perfect, I’ve realized where I went wrong. I have managed to escape being judgmental about others too. I feel perturbed about not being happy like everyone else & getting jealous, envious & sad. I still see the potential in me to chin up & recover from it. I bounce back again, but still there are these phases where you'll find me with a head down. I am still learning to know when I need to keep my foot down. Moments so indifferent, when I just outburst into tears.
The only specie that pesters me is My Husband. I don't hate him, but I can't love him anymore.
It's been more than 7 years of dissonance now, there is nothing left to talk about anymore between us. I have put in all my efforts, trying to become Mrs Understanding & work things out with my husband, but I guess all these imperfections & misunderstandings & no or lack of communication in our so called relationship has just been lingering around in not a very hostile way.
My husband hadn't been there when we needed him the most. Being reluctant of admitting his faults he has been living his life in independently the way he fancies. He intends to offer no financial, emotional help, support or contribution. The indifference & imperfections has turned our so called marriage into a messy halt. There is a disheartening chaos that revolves around in vicious circles pinching me being treated as a doormat & being cursed & blamed for every fault. I hate those looks that he gives me(anger & disgust), negative vibes, verbal fights or silence that kills, adding more oil to the fire. My children complaint about absenteeism (his absence) from their lives. which has lead to feeling of instability & distrust.
Why does everyone take me for granted, Why can't anyone see my sincerity? There are times when negativity triggers my thoughts & I'm unable to find a remote control to shut it off. I have flaws & I have been trying to motivate myself to be a better human being. God is my savior.
"Stirred with peculiarities of happiness & anger in between the calmness & aggressiveness of sorts, I find myself settled, unsettled into the present, with denominations of future & past".
At the end of the day, I know 'I am a woman.' I know my limits & restrictions but still I question thee - Why should guys have all the fun? I still have more questions that I am keen about getting answers for. There are plentiful scars under my skin, that I've experienced & I am really coping up with.
Although my husband has now become an occasional visitor. The less I see him around, the more I feel more at ease(peace). Having him around makes me all the more uneasy. We don't talk anymore, nor exchange any messages now. I've even deleted his number.
I am no more willing to get rehabilitated into a reunion called marriage any more. One is enough for me. If Marriages are made in Heaven, Why do they get broken in hell?- Anonymous, Female, 54
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