Saturday, August 30, 2014

Fucked in a.Fuckin-Way - So Gay

Why can't I just not fall in love with the one I am fond of , or even infatuated or willing to bed with. Why can't the other person relate to me in the same way. Why it has to be looks, or any other reasons of the past experienced turmoils that don't let people find trust and hope in the new. Why won't they even give it a try. Why is it that every time we have to be fake, and why is it that every time we have to hide our feelings for someone, that might just not be so responsive enough to give it a considerable thoughtfulness.

gay,bi,ugly,fine,rich,poor,skinny,fat,tall,short,orange,black,white,purple - a friend is a friend - if you don't judge.

"We all have our part of stories, relationships, loneliness, brilliant sunshine memories, fairytale folklore's, mushy love & so on. There can be a happy endless journey, and there can be a ruined ending to it. Well you are the one to make decisions over it & if witty enough you would realize with a glimpse of certainty of its being".

"A good intention clothes itself with power(never wear masks) - that sure would have been a powerful intention, intentionally or unintentional.- Now how powerful, needs to be figured out.But what if someone likes undressing much more then being clothed?"
I met him to soon after a days conversation, and he stayed at my place at night. We just slept little far from each-other. Though I had intentionally not made it clear that I was possibly attracted towards this person. I could not possibly make all the effortless chances of any kinds in the darkness of the tired body that was must exhausted and wanted to sleep(though, not particularly, that was something that I wanted. The other side was reserved and shy to make any advances, being in a state of unsure agendas & future. I on the other hand was willing to hug this person, hold thy hands, look at his closed eyes & face, his sleeping posture.

"Nothing else then my soul had a hard on, irrespective of anything, or nothing, there it could shag it self off at that very moment".

I don't know, I guess it was a bad dunked state of my very being, overwhelmed by the understanding of this person in a dry state, that said yes, when I asked him, I would want you to stay tonight. With drizzled rain in that time frame that brought something pleasant to the entire gamut of just two of us a sourrounding, joyous and easy going, without any agitations and masks, no camouflaged pretentious mind, absolutely nothing - blank state of 'enjoying that very excitement of meeting someone that made me feel good about. Sharing on the glass of wine & whiskey & the little food left, something told me, there was a friend or a friend to be, or even more, that was pretty much up straight on my face with little of things, and rest all hidden and piled. There was this age gap between us, but did not felt if there was any. I was good to have someone staying up not very far from you at times, someone easily you could end up, crying your heart out to, and telling all the real stories of your unshared piles of happiess & saddened being. Discussing as little as we talked, little conversations that just came and go.

With a glare of Light that all possibly could I get from my cellphone, looking at him by means of indirect light, Despite being anxiously excited to see not much of the the naked flesh on his body that I could see though, The little that I saw, made me more curious and I rather fell in love and fondness with the clothed and wrapped up soul, that slept like a baby next to me. Something told me, that there he lay in a sleep that was not a sound one, for there was something in his mind and heart that was going along, while he slept. Maybe a little bit of nervousness to stay night at a stranger who he just met, and knew for a day. Sharing a bed, was not a phrase as in a sexual parameter, but it was more of that little comfort zone & trust that there was between the two of us, somewhere telling us more it could, from our past experiences and agendas and chores of our daily lives, that we had lived up to until now.

I did not thought it to be a good idea to come close and make any advances of any kinds,giving any wrong message. I still made an effort to hold and hug this person as little I could make gestures of hugging him, and being close to him, wanting to feel him as much as I could - hold, kiss and love(with no sexual misinterpretation), seeking only emotional security & comfort of someone that slept very next to me, and for all I could repeatedly whisper was that I love you, & could possibly crave only for your attention and love in return - the little or more physical endurance and emotional comfort that I wanted to run down deep into. It was like I was a soul that too human, that longed for a longing to be intimately involved. (There certainly was no need of things to end with sex, but all I wanted was in that drunken state of my very being to ease out all that I could, in the darkness of night). Little sleepy & at the same time sleepless, awake myself wanting to somehow get close and intimate, thought it not to be the day, when we could possibly end into doing something like that). For sure it was a fateful , lucky day of meeting a stranger, with a little reserved nature. complimenting the other side, still trying to wanting to pull all the conversational strings over couple of drinks,food, chat & music the late evening & music and cup of tea in the morning. How did that night passed by, no one other then me ,myself knew. For later I told that very person that I made friendly & romantic gestures towards him, with kisses and hugs, while he slept. Good it was to enjoy thee company & looking forward in anticipation for it to happen it again in a little more open - intimate "out of the closet way".

I would have wanted to hug him up and shook his hands,if not a kiss, while I left him at the Rickshaw, few miles away, walkable distance from my house, that I walked with him to. I guess I had not been a pretty good host, It could have been little better. I am sorry if I could not concentrate much on the thought of a hungry stomach, that he might have had, for there was not much to offer. If there be a next time, All I hope is he understand me even better, and makes this relationship worthy, giving me a food for thought to trust and understand the term of so called orientation/friendly relationship, that we could possibly share. I would have wanted him to stay more, if I did not had any plans, though I guess all the more he also would have wanted to say, if he had a clear picture of it our this so called meeting was a success.

 As they always say" I will count on you & you can count on me  - We will always together, if we could".

Starting it all a fresh.-sometimes, some things are meant to be the way they are done, for good things to come, bad things to go or vice-verse  and experience them. That imply - let the bad relationship go and get over with it, its by no means going to benefit you. End it completely with no memories of the past to trouble you. "There is always a second last chance to things 'that come over, & go by". Enough of the remorse over the petty sick unworthy, if it was fateful enough to end this way, it sure was destined, and was not to bring about any peace, if ever it lasted long & continued in this unhygienic way.

When we know we are interested in the orientation that is a tabooed subject. we tend to get lost, and lured, with the sexual part of it - infatuated for the time being, until its done on the bed, rather don't figure out on the emotional aspect of it for a longer run, for more of a heart to heart and soul to soul connection. materialistic pleasures - we seek to seek! Not every flesh has a heart to love and live. momentum as much as sex and looks, infatuation cud be, emotions cud go forever. Nothing wrong in seeking pleasure and going with the flow of the so called sexual desperate longings, but then it should not get turned off, when it's done with, it should continue more often for much long' with a connection of soul & love too, off and on the bed.

"When you talk about sex - You.find it intellectual - When I do, you call me desperate. - I find that rather amusing".


"My bed was just not a means to satisfy you  - Wish you could have touched my soul""For all the while infatuated I stood, hoping  I would get someone -  the other person mistook me for just another prostitute sibling for his wanking gratification & sexual chores".

For you it was all OK & done away with kinds, But for me I still stand guilty of what I did on bed with you, cursing.myself. All I ever wanted was to make you happy on bed ,expecting you would be with me forever my friend - this & that- it took a while & I understood. I run down to the corners, somewhere in my heart with wondering thoughts - I still try to forget about it - Craving all the more for you, even after what you did, we did. I find myself lost & lured by you & want to tell you' here I am at your disposal - use me, the way you want  -for my fondness for you grew after that night for not easy for me to have sex randomly & I know - you do it & you do it nice  I shall moan & forget, there is no love from your side(it was just a pretentious act). For, we said "I love you" even before we met & now after we had it thy never existed love from you died & fled away, coming to an end  - I see you stand unreal as a selfish spree, but then for me, sex was pious & my love was real/my infatuation was physical, yet emotional - I give you again though one last chance. I know I will have to repent this, but what the fuck, let it be.

"If only sex could quench thy thirst,it would be with a person, who can respect, love, like you at the same time, with an understanding to make things grow between you, and let it not just be for one night stand. What is it that does not suffice you with one & your quench for more grows & you are left with random faces/flesh. Willing to give yourself to the other person, and at the same time wanting to have someone/anyone".

Thy heart has seen markets where they sell love,& they are pretty good at it, sad that they,sell it often & to everyone' with a price tag,that seems so professional n branded, but it's way to cheap, & get's withered with time, lasts' as little as low & deprives & vanishes, gets lost-gone with the wind kinds. I so would advise them to replace it with game; & I am sure there market's would flourish & boom pretty awesome. Since more then half of the populated world is lured by thy and not thee. business - I tell you, they need more tactics, they need to get educated & then market it all. For sure they can certainly keep me out of that league. unleash me from there desirously insane tantrums.

Here Shit, there Shit, Every Where - Shit-Shit - (Now Sing) Old McDonald had a farm,& at the end it all lost charm. Eeeeaaa.I.Eeeaa,I.O - Yours Anonymous' Oh Fuck 

P.S Masturbation is a good option, not that healthy habit if you do it more often though' Shake it Baby (Ain't no Shakira or a Baby-Doll either)

Grappling The Randomness

Chances are that very few understand the real you, Chances are that very rarely you understand your self.

I at times feel there is everything useless.but evidently to be done away with,until you live wondering why life was so conditional & expectantly accepted livable - why it could not be simple.

Randomness - if it's going to start, randomly in circles, is going to end up in a random way.

I am not here to amuse you or entertain & if I do so,I expect the same - depends on how intellectual or dumb you are to keep the conversation going & being in touch. - it takes more then much of it always to make

"If thy knew - what a friend was & how could one be,thee would never be lonesome."

No it's entirely not your fault to presume, assume, my answers to your questions because I talk in contextual reference to.the general.realizations. & logical practical experiences of a much lived life - I can very well conclude, based on my experienced, when I start to make judgements about certain things, when I start.too! Thought I am not being judgmental at all, its just that my very being with thy emotions, formalities, presumptions,perceptions,shall spin & churn either in a grinder or a washing machine, thereafter dried & then put off & laid on the platter to be served or worn. With thy very honest & true & faithful myself, based on the conversations, communications,meetings & knowing thy so far, come a little or long way & shall in the pure form with nothing kept in thy heart, expecting just as little as the same from.thy, in return doing away with the obligatory formalities taking you for what you made me think of you to be. I am what I am and I don't think I have to be what you think me to be.

If I don't know you,I don't know you. for I at times, intend to know you, as much as I would want you to know me - Else - we be strangers - simple.

"If we go far - there would be a reason, for there was a reason we came close."

It's not what it seems like to be, the way we presume,judge and assume - it shall be on the contrary different, from this fondness, craziness & all the tempted curious falling for's - its just a infatuated excited syndrome tendency to be over soon. I neither do say - it is a bad thing, on the contrary it's fine to adapt & enjoy to the core, what and how you feel irrespective of where it shall lead you.Nor do I say"it has to be the same monotonous every time with everyone.Give it a try and you shall learn and educate yourself of the choicest of certain things that shall enlighten you.

Heaven is not a place or a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect oneness - how far.could one say that truly for hell as well.-'warning'-*condition's apply!

Grappling the life and anything that comes along with it is all the more wisest to the conscious mind and heart, no matter intentions might.warn you with contrary mismatch, you still let it come and go, & carry on with the flow - for never have we been able to hold on to anything for a lifetime other.then the.fond and soar memories of people and things and places.

For the only truest of thing is your very being, until you figure how true you are to your own self, you shall not figure out anything at all.

We grow old with wisdom,experience & much more and we loose on to our youth, vitality, potential,after almost addressing everything, learning from the mistakes, experiencing the ill odds & the even. - that's how we grow and there's no looking back , It's exactly where & how we started from & came back at the end. - Anonymous

Friday, August 22, 2014

AWAKENED House of Night-2

Spectacles - where art though? Come On Stop Playing Games Now ! Phew, Now where did I landed up My Spectacles. Can't See a thing unlike the last nite I forgot my cellphone in the refrigerator , & when I got it, it was so chilled & foggy, I had to warm it up a bit to bring it back to life. I am sure I did not kept my spectacles in the fridge now, I just double checked it, since it would crack & no ways its going to be brought back to life. Finding it difficult to read & type & see much clear with the old frame, I have, trying to figure out and find it desperately. enough is enough!

A "fading garland" used as a metaphor for the evening of life or aging in general " Did she realize in a flash of prescience that there was no earthly future for our sweet Cecily? Not for her were to be the lengthening shadows or the fading garland. The end was to come while the rainbow still sparkled on her wine of life, ere a single petal had fallen from her rose of joy.

Reading "The Golden Road" by Lucy M. Montgomery(Novel), In-tuned to the Indian Summer by Doors and in the midst of all that, finding my way to the keyboard typing almost all about everything that passed by me & around.

Well' I am the most free person in the world, living by myself, eventually forcefully or by choice found reasons to keep my soul busy & body occupied in whatever I get to. One Life, Living it to the best possible or impossible way one could, Not wasting a bit of it. By all means sufficing to my interests or some random choices, plentiful of those little things that keep me Living.

Glad to have had found the Black Dog on my Streets again, who seem to have had fled away and disappeared for some time, during his time of agony & pain , and hidden somewhere, for I could not take care of him, & rescue him from his pain & restlessness, when he got hurt, with a bad wound, that followed his agony & he was looking for hands to cuddle him, and provide him shelter. For some or the other reasons I kind of let it go' & later realized could have done something about it - guilty over it as the time passes, looking at the much slimmer him now - the vein must have had lost his appetite and weight. - though not much long way back this dream that I had, about almost the same situation, I realized it was a indication of the things that were to happen around.

"Unseen, this colourless sky of folded showers,And folded winds; no blossom in the bowers; A poet's face asleep in this grey morn. Now in the midst of the old world forlorn. A mystic child is set in these still hours. I keep this time, even before the flowers, Sacred to all the young and the unborn. And to the future of my own young art, And, among all these things, to you, my sweet, My friend, to your calm face and the immortal. Child tarrying all your life-time in your heart". - Alice Meynell

No matter how outrageous are the souls that go through an emotional turmoil in the body we live in. From Panic attacks, Emotional ruined aspirations to outraged accustomed presumptuous & wisdomous approach to life. We all follow - the principle of let it go, no matter what , live, abiding by the accustomed principle of a perceptive lifestyle, falseness, and tendency to show off, what is not there in real. Smile on face, with all the materialistic comforts and little emotional pleasure seeking heart, that retains your courage back to try living a life.

No matter what, one could do nothing much, when it hits you harder, then you even think it could exist. That's the time, you get engrossed with all the chaos negates, & try to outreach your own self in ways that could help you out. We all stand there alone, as ourselves as decision makers to pull us out of the hell and stand up' as a hilarious comedian wanting to step on the heaven' kind and generous. We all live a fake life' for not there is one person who could have all, but be happy, and for the one who would have nothing, but still be happy. For tit-bit's of how, why, but and if's haunt us to an early grave, for lucky enough are those who live much more then they every thought they would, and lucky are the ones who resolute dissolving to an early death, with no more pain to bother there mind & heart.

We all just sit there, thinking what could possibly make our life worthy of a living; and we don't even get up of our asses, unconditionally doing the needful, (any thing for that matter - can be as simple as :planting watering plants, feeding animals & birds, trying to save water, electricity, food, & try to feed the less fortunate, making every thing worthy of its use & benefit - not so materialistically). Life is beyond facebook, sex, relationships, food. clothes, etc. the only thing that can make a life worthy is educating thyself to an intellect of spiritual awakening and self consciousness & trying to pass it on to as many as you can. One Life, One Soul, One Body & then a viscous circle of a Molecular Evolution of 8.4 Million Life Times to have this Human Body(Form), Therefore Make it worthy. Sit and think " Who Am I ? And Many Facets that compile of the deeds you did, past, present & the future". One of it's kind - worthy of just being true to your own self, breathing the piousness of a selfish existence.

I don't know what I would be sounding more of, a pessimistic, optimistic or negative - I guess its all in a fraction of time of mood swings that take you from one Pandora to another of a handful-set of emotional dialects of human phenomenon persona.

"Fursat Milti hai to Khwaabgah sey guzar jaati hain hasratein meri, kuch anmol hua karti thin, jo, aaj do kaudi ki ho chali hain, falsafon mein ulaghi qaayanaat-e-fidrat meri".


"Whenever I get chance, My desires often flee and pass by by this mysterious dreamland of mine. For all the more the merrier meaningful they were at times, seem to have gone worthless. - The busy life of nuances and chaos, I believe have made its way to the passage by in my life & around".- Anonymous

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

AWAKENED House of Night

I Just Tripped on the floor Naked, While going to Cook My Self Dinner, proceeding straight to the Kitchen, after Bath' immediately after Waking up from a Call' that Woke Me Up from a Dream. Not Realizing the Watery floor(I forgot to wipe it off' last time' while Washing Clothes' When I had My Washing Machine pouring out Soapy Water during the process of Me trying to experiment with it's Mechanics for a Faster Job). Besides' They say "Dreams are Not Real". But I just Woke Up from a Dream - Which had me in a Sad State' Damn they are wrong - Hence proved! Ironically (That was last month, but I just couldn't help talking about it)

Let me start by quoting "The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free, for Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.

Listening on to Surrender by Darlene Koldenhoven (Tranquil Times), I guess had nothing more to do beside a sleepless night, with tendencies of emotional and radical-thoroughgoing/extreme syndrome of nocturnal willingness to be awake, though the body was tired, but anxious to write down ta gist of on-going traditional & customary thoughts hanging in there in my mind & heart. Awakened alertness of mind, going to the root or origin of plentiful of thoughts that haunted my very being in the wee hours of this very morning.

Not so Haunted of it, despite I heard some noise in the next door, & all sort of thoughts ran onto my head. Who or what it could be, A Cat of something(fingers crossed, it should just be a Cat). & a thought that strike me, was to wear something (habitual of not wearing much around, being just myself. specially at night, or say most of the time withing the close locked doors & latched windows. What if I was found naked by a robber that came to rob, or someone who came to hunt & kill me down, I smartly wore my boxers and plugged in my earphones to some good music, juggling with my keyboard. Talking to my Self, & enacting if there was someone with me, and I was not alone all by myself. Least bothered about it much later,I decided I should not worry much about it or anything at all, for what is to happen shall happen, and what ought to, is it.

There was not one, but many thoughts involving my very life and the surrounded chaos that made my Life as a whole. My Mind was swinging onto the several situational propositioned dilemmas & alternative possibilities. With Positive & Negative things at my disposal throughout these few days that had kept me engrossed by. I figured Human, Inhuman, Sane & Insane, the daily acts of discussions, chats, meetings, and responsiveness of thy communications made, with several attempts to harness my very own peculiar side of knowing & unknowing. Neighbor's, tenants, friends & foes, stalker's, hawker's & walker's by. living & dead, fauna & flora, happiness, fear, anguish, wisdom, rising & degrading faith in religion, relevance to the consciousness, dreams that had helicopters to people who were strangers & known, emotionally & sensuously luring on to them falling out for them, & making out. & all that, that had no relevance at all - unrelevant that is.   

Several repeated advises to follow & do something about it. One of them was to Read How to Win friends and Influence people, to which I denied having replied' For there was no reason or rhyme for me to get hold of the textual vocabulary of words that went in that piled set of book by Dale, for I have experienced and lived on with a purpose and my purpose had everything human & soulful, for I had a set of friends, & relatives & few people by my side or none coming for my rescue thereof. it did not matter, for I had no one to influence and no thought of giving a single thought to win any friends, for whosoever I ever had, & have by my-side is the most relevant thing in my life at this current phase.For all the ones I knew so far, and was told to keep with, have certainly kept how much I could have had by now, but I guess there is time now, for I don't see it coming from there side, & there comes an end to my side. I am sure the people who know me little or well or very well would agree, when I say' I have been influential and friendly enough leading to a win-win situation all the while, with sort of a person I am, i am sure they would have no offense. I hope the person who asked me to read this suggested and made it read to all others in his family too, because I did not see it coming from a very noble & wise way of someone lately. With due respect to that gentlemen, whom I admire and he stands a strong pillar in hope and will always will, as a family to me,  The Other One was to get Married(No comments as of now on that one, right now, but yes I am giving it a pondering), The third advice was to oblige people with a smile in a sweet way, listen to them, no matter you do your thing,give them a ear. - well I guess it came from someone who had no idea what it meant to oblige people who by no means would change there ill habitual acts of irritating and bothering people with vague uselessness and come to no real conclusive help, redeeming on to no ascertained practicalities of issues. There are only habitual of being in a self esteemed goodness of thinking themselves to be marvelously qualified, back-biting, bitching,with echoes of no self esteem and stubborn idiots is what I call them.

Led Zeppelin's - Stairway to Heaven, just leaded me to a conclusive realization of a guarantee that my place in there was kept safe & booked, for I have been a good boy.

I wont hesitate or be reluctant when it comes in tougher times to enact upon and take a decision, for sure.

"Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level."

Brightening me up, was this Paloma Faith's Black & Blue Song that brought some spirit in me, conjuring up to my very being and bringing me up to a little more pleasant nature of my thoughtfulness, despite the odds (of my earphones acting shitting, one side was playing and other had to be adjusted repeatedly, like my Laptop Charger that was being a useless freak, not letting me charge my Laptop in a continuity).

Well keeping aside all that.

This was one of those several Awakened Nights of the Night & Wee Hour Mornings, that made me subjected to a peculiar thoughtfulness of riding on to my horses & trying to get across to the other side of the world of riddance of the nuances that bothered me & quarrelsome self realizing with self.

Ending it up a quote "If you want to know your past life, look into your present condition; if you want to know your future life, look at your present actions." Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, to my ears, wanting to lay down on the bed and act if I was sleeping, until the early morning led me into a lazy & tired stillness. It ought to be a wonderful morning , in hope that it be, & bring me good pleasant news. - Anonymous