We all have our part of stories.
Why can't everyone fall in love like I do? Why cant there be just profound fondness or willingness to get close or carried away without no inhibitions with our so called infatuatedly habituated willingness of making out. Why won't we, or why we couldn’t relate in the same way. Why there had to be reasons so reluctant, that killed everything completely, putting an end to it even before it started. Why won't we even give it a try & why every time it had to turn so fake or artificial, Why do we have to hide? Why aren't people so openly responsive enough to give it a considerable thoughtfulness.
Why was it so difficult?
"A good intention clothes itself with power(never wear masks) - that sure would have been a powerful intention, intentionally or unintentional.- Now how powerful, needs to be figured out. But what if someone likes undressing much more then being clothed?"
Everything seemed pretty much straight forward & easy going, without any agitations or masks & no sign of a camouflaged pretentious mind. Something told me, there was a friend or a friend to be, or even more. We had this age gap between us, but did not felt if there was any. It was good to have someone staying up close-by. You could probably end up crying your heart out or sharing secrets & being happy go lucky together.
I was so overwhelmed by a yes, when I asked - I would want you to stay tonight. I met someone after a days conversation. Just the thought of meeting someone, & having someone staying over. had brought in a gamut of something pleasant into me & I was joyous & excited. It was drizzling outside as if it was in the mood. In that time frame, we were carried a little, enjoying the music & having couple of drinks(wine & whiskey) after finishing up the leftover food - we were still sober. Tried pulling all the conversational strings over & over, while we talked for a while before we hit the bed.
“Sharing a bed, was not a phrase just limited to a sexual parameter, but it was more of a comfort zone”
We slept afar from each-other. Though I had intentionally not made it clear that I was possibly attracted towards this person. I was reluctant & possibly did not make any advances of any kind in the darkness, unsure about how would the other person react. I wasn't sure about anything else either, but all I knew was, that I did not wanted us to sleep. The other side was reserved, shy or unsure or probably had other agendas. I on the other hand was willing to hug, hold, touch but kept looking at those closed eyes, staring at the face.
With a glare of light that’s all which I possibly could get from my phone, looking at the sleeping posture by means of indirect light. Despite being anxiously excited to see as much of the naked flesh that I could probably see though, The little that I saw, made me more curious and I rather fell in love and fondness with the clothed and wrapped up soul, that slept like a baby next to me. Something told me, the one who laid next to me wasn't having a sound sleep either.
Though I was much keen to go closer & cuddle but I refrained myself. I still made little effort while I managed to hold, hug or possibly kiss, feel or touch by gestures - possibly loving. (with no sexual misinterpretation), seeking emotional comfort & as little as physical endurance that I was craving for & wanted little attention and love in return. I was a human soul with longing that wanted to run down deep getting intimately involved. Sex was not on my mind & all I wanted was to ease out all that I could there & then in that darkness of night. I was little sleepy & at the same time sleepless & awaken wanting to somehow get close & intimate, I hadn't thought that there could be a day, when we could possibly end up together on the same bed.
"Nothing else other then my soul which had a hard on - irrespective of anything or nothing, there it could shag it self off at that very moment.”
Night had passed by. We had a cup of tea in the morning. I guess I had not been a pretty good host, could have been better. I am sorry if I could not be thoughtful about a hungry stomach(guest), while I had a hungry heart. There was not much to offer today, maybe if there was a next time, It might give me a clear indication - food for thought & a food for heart. We could have stayed more & longer, if only I did not had any plans. As much as I would have wanted to hug, shook hands or kiss, while I bid goodbye leaving thee, helping to catch a richksaw puller.
I had intimated you later about how I made friendly & romantic gestures in the night. I am not sure if you felt & witnessed them while you slept. - Anonymous
I have a very small number of things to be sceptical about, & at times I am hyper sceptic. But I want to be fooled by randomness.
No’ I ain't a wrestler & I know no martial arts!
Still ‘grappling with my random moral compass’ - things of things most people resolve by the time they're my age. Its difficult to say, who is grappling who? From where I stand everything seems so random. If I could stand somewhere else, I would see the order in it.
We live wondering why life is so conditional & yet unexpectantly accepted as livable. There will always be this fight - wherein, life would work in its own way & we would want to make it work in accordance, the way we want it to.
Have you ever stopped to figure out & understand how life works? How random do you think it gets? Ever imagined life without randomness - wouldn't it be boring?. I don't know about life, but chances are that, life knows me pretty well. Very few understand the real you - how well do you understand yourself? - chances are always remote & vice versa. For the only truest of thing to yourself is your very being, until you figure how true you are to your own self & how true yourself is to you? you shall not figure out anyone or anything at all truly.
If at all, you could be best of friends with life, it could teach you a thing or two.Its not there only to amuse you or entertain & if It does ,It expects things in return - depends on how intellectual or dumb you are to let its randomness go or grow - it takes much more always to make it work, then you think.
Randomness - if it's going to start, randomly in circles, is going to end up in a random way.
I have always been persevering, thinking critically, analyzing, and constructing an in-depth understanding when faced with a problem that does not have a clear path to a solution & end up generating a solution or an opinion to a problem.
No it's not entirely your fault to presume, assume, perceive, be analytical, make judgements by default.I can very well conclude, based on my experience when I start to make judgements about certain things, whenever I do! (I am not being judgmental)
Strength instead of being the lusty child of passion, grows by grappling with and subduing them. James M. Barrie
There could be a sequence of verbs growing in no direction(occurrence or absence) or in a non-compounding way due to unintentional reasons that has no purpose. How willing & strong are you to withstand - holding up & standing your ground against the haphazard-randomness. How well equipped are you to struggle, grapple(wrestle - literally or figuratively) or deal with a problem or difficulty, (something or someone) in your endeavour trying hard to solve it or overcome.
We row old with wisdom, grow out of our experiences - slow down a little loosing on to our potential, addressing odds & the even, everything & almosts. Learning from the mistakes and there's no looking back. It's exactly where & how we started from & came back at the end.
There is this randomness forever & the grappling goes on. - Anonymous
Spectacles - where art though? Come On!...Stop Playing Games now ! Phew, Now where did I landed up thee - can't see a thing.Few days back, I forgot my smartphone in the refrigerator & when I got hold of, it was cold - all blurred with the moisturizer, I had to give it a CPR to bring it back to life...luckily it wasn't dead. I wonder if at all, I did kept my spectacles in the fridge. No! I just double checked, it wasn't there.If at all it would have been there, the windshields would have already cracked & by no means it would come back to life. Thankfully, I had this old broken pair with me, but I was still finding it difficult to adjust, read & type as things did not appear that clear. I am still, trying to figure thee out desperately - enough is enough!
Well' I am the most busiest & the free person in the world, living by myself, eventually forcefully or by choice - having found reasons to keep my self occupied. These small fits of irony in petite forms are hilarious & keeps you engaged - living it in the best possible or impossible way one could, by whatever means - sufficing to ones interests of random choices of plentiful things that keep us alive & going.
Glad to have had found the black stray dog back on the street again(He is getting old,looks weak, must have lost his appetite), who seemed to have had fled away disappearing for a while, hiding - suffering from agony & pain. I could not take care of him, rescue or pacify him (I had my reasons) when he got hurt with a bad wound. He would stare , wanting to be cuddled pampered and possibly sheltered. Guilty over it as time passes. Not much long way back this dream that I had of a dog, made me realized - to be an indicative warning of the things that were to happen.
Spiritually aware of the universe and it's direct metaphysical connection to one's own being and the connection it host to all life forces. Awakened being is one that has willingly discovered and experienced masturbation. This Awakened Night had me, addressing ironical awkwardness of kinds. From comedy of errors: ‘Er’(pause - expressing hesitation & uncertainties) or ‘Err’(to stray, wander with erratic & erroneous assumptions - partly correct or with errors) to standing-up (being loyal yourself, people & beliefs - taking small but powerful steps - to remain sound & intact under stress, attack, or close scrutiny)
A "fading garland" used as a metaphor for the evening of life or aging in general " Did she realize in a flash of prescience that there was no earthly future for our sweet Cecily? Not for her were to be the lengthening shadows or the fading garland. The end was to come while the rainbow still sparkled on her wine of life, ere a single petal had fallen from her rose of joy.
(I am reading Lucy M. Montgomery’s The Golden Road) & listening to Indian Summer by The Doors.
No matter how outrageously accustomed as fools we tend to live this life, abiding by a set of accustomed principles of perceptive fabricated lifestyles that we choose, disillusioned & deserted trying to find comfort to confront, retaining our courage back - trying to live. No matter what we strife or aspire for. When life gets tough & harder it makes us realize it always existed & for everyone in bits & pieces. Engrossed with the chaos & negates trying to possibly outreach our own self & standing up in ways that could help & pull us out of this hell - so kniving & cruel and put us back on track, wanting to step on to this heaven' so kind and generous. Hell yeah!
One life to an individual, soul & body & then a viscous circle of a molecular evolution of 8.4 million life times to have this human body(form) again. Life is one hell of a greater ‘Stand-Up Comedian’ itself, with plans of its own - laughing on our ‘Comedy Of Errors’, while we are still in the process of understanding or underestimating a joke, that life made upon us. For not there is one person who could have it all and for others who would have nothing. The uncertainties of how, why, if & but’s haunt us to an early grave, for blessed are those who live much more then they ever thought and lucky are the ones who resolute dissolving to an early death, having to suffer no more. I am now listening to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
There are many facets to a set of deeds compiled in past, present or future & its one of it's kind. I don't have a clue - how being an pessimist, optimist, opportunist or anything else works - All I know or guess is, it comes in shuffling shifts taking you from one pandora to another of a handful-set of human phenomenons for a greater good or worse. Everyone & to each its completely a different one.
"Unseen, this colourless sky of folded showers,And folded winds; no blossom in the bowers; A poet's face asleep in this grey morn. Now in the midst of the old world forlorn. A mystic child is set in these still hours. I keep this time, even before the flowers, Sacred to all the young and the unborn. And to the future of my own young art, And, among all these things, to you, my sweet, My friend, to your calm face and the immortal. Child tarrying all your life-time in your heart". - Alice Meynell
I am listening to Daydream by Jack Steadman right now.That cant be a coincidence now, I just checked the time, its 03:37 A.M. I seem to have been awaken for some nights now & I seem to have been hallucinating & getting confused - I cant remember, which part of it was real & which part of it was a dream? jokes apart. I guess, I need a sleep - I need a dream.
फ़ुर्सत मिलती है तो ख्वाबगाह से गुज़र आती हैं हसरतें मेरी, अनमोल हुआ करती थीं जो आज दो कौड़ी की हो चलीं हैं, फल्सफ़ो में उलझी गुमराह कायनात-ए-फ़ितरत मेरी.
“Whenever they get chance, my desires pass by this house of dreams. It used to be so precious way back, now seems to have gone worthless - my universal inherent nature, getting involved in the arguments of philosophy have gone astray."- Anonymous
This call had woke me up from a dream - a real alarming-rather annoying one. It was at the moment I was awakened ironically with new emotions stirred within me. They say "Dreams are Not Real".Damn they are wrong - hence proved!
Nocturnal me, caught in the wee hours again, listening on to Surrender by Darlene Koldenhoven (Tranquil Times). It is a sleepless night, despite being a little tired, I am awake to this restless alertness of mind which has taken me to the root or origin of plentiful of things - so thoroughly thoughtful. Acquainting myself with extremely anxious tendencies of heart - so emotional and radical.
‘For what ought to happen, shall, For what not to shall not.’
LAWD...I just tripped on the floor naked, while going to the kitchen to cook myself dinner, straight after a bath. Not realizing the watery floor(I forgot to wipe it off' last time while washing clothes' when I had my washing machine pouring out soapy water during the process & me trying to experiment with it's mechanics (knob play) for a faster job)’
With the closed locked doors & latched windows - am I still haunted? I just heard some noise in the next room. All sorts of thoughts ran onto my head - Who or what it could be? A cat? or something/someone else - fingers crossed.I immediately got myself slipped into a pair of boxers, as I had completely forgot slipping into one, while sipping, eating ,sitting looking at my laptop.I am habitual of not wearing anything or much of things generally - being just myself - completely at ease. A thought striked my mind ‘What if I was found naked by a robber that came to rob, or someone who came to hunt me down & kill me?’,I increased & decreased the volume of the music playing & started juggling with my keyboard. I started talking to myself & enacted as if, I had a company & I was not all alone by myself. Least bothered about it much later, since I heard nothing more, I went to peep & everything seemed fine. There is this thing, I am always worried about & afraid of-not wanting to be seen naked, when I am unconscious or dead.
"The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free, for Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.
.
There was not one, but in volumes - these thought provoking & alarming tit-bits of chaosed & intellectual musings that surrounded me, had me engrossed. Swinging across to these situationally propositioned dilemmas at my disposal were these alienated alternative mismatches of infinite possibilities with positive & negative attributes. Life, in its attempts to harness-tackle & take over control had me & my horses forcefully tamed in a peculiar way.
By now straps were fastened & this Awakened House of Night had me - riding on to my horses(peculiar thoughtfulness),trying to get across to the other side of the world (away from nuanced riddance), but with a quarrelsome self realization.
I wont hesitate or be reluctant when it comes in tougher times to enact upon, choose or take a decision. Like everyone else, one of the several advises I was given was to read “How to Win Friends & Influence People”& to oblige & maintain - keeping up with the relationships. I didn't find it at all necessary by any reason or rhyme to get into trouble of finding & getting hold of the textual vocabulary of words since life was about real experiences - worthy & meritorious in its own way. There was absolutely nothing I had to compete for. I had no one to influence or get influenced by none. I never needed to win no friends - I had the best ones already. I wasn't willing to deliberately keep up with anyone single handedly, when I didn't see it coming from other end, its about time - I put an end to this obligatory entertained. People, I have been lately dealing with havent been noble & wise - no offense. Everyone seem to have or absolutely no idea of how things are at other end & in no way things could be any better. I was tired of obliging fools (people with idiocy) who by no means would change there self-esteemed stubbornness or ill habitual acts & still be erratic, bothersome, vague & useless. They wont lend any conclusive help in real, despite knowing the peculiarities of the issue. They who wrongly perceive themselves to be a marvelously qualified ones. lending them a ear was a painstaking job - they would only blabber nonsense & wont do any good. I often end up trusting my hunches - they're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.
Listening to Stairway to Heaven(Apocalyptica). Leading me to a conclusive realization, that I was headed in a right direction & my place in there was kept safe - for I have been a good boy. Heaven is not a place or a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect oneness. How far could one say that truly for hell as well?.
Brightening me up, was‘Just Be’ song by Paloma Faith, What were the odds? - My earphones started acting shitty - one side played and other had to be adjusted repeatedly & my laptop charger was being a useless freak. (not-charging)
“If you want to know your past life, look into your present condition; if you want to know your future life, look at your present actions." *condition's apply
Late nights always make me groggy the next morning. With Winter Lullaby by David Garrett to my ears, my eyes closed - I was on bed now & the early morning had led me into a peacefully lazy & tiresome stillness. It ought to be a wonderful morning, in hope that it be. - Anonymous
