SEX with SAME/OPPOSITE

Our sexuality is far too complex, too nuanced, and too fluid to answer that question with a simple yes or no.

Passing from childhood into the teen years and beyond, my body has developed and undergone changes. So have the emotions and feelings. During this time, "the hormonal and physical changes of puberty" I started noticing an increase in my sexual feelings & cravings. It gets difficult to wonder and sometimes worry about these new sexual feelings. It's still taking time for me to understand who i am and what I am becoming. I guess its part & parcel of the whole lot of better understanding of ones own sexual feelings and who they are attracted to.

Sexual orientation is the emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction that a person feels toward another person, maybe of the same or of opposite sex or both so it makes them either a homosexual, heterosexual or a bi-curious. I sometimes end up tagging my self as a asexual, implying that I would not be interested to have sex, but rather a good emotional bonding would suffice me. Its evident that I or anyone else is not born with a choice of choosing ones orientation likewise. In general, sexual orientation is not something that a person voluntarily chooses. Instead, sexual orientation is just a natural part of who a person is. 

Maybe its my upbringing, and seldom being in the closet, where I found my self only hibernated in my world, & never had the chance of experiencing any emotional, physical or sexual gratification. I often found myself shuffling between the curiosity of sexual thoughts and attractions which at times were quite intense and seem confusing. A complex mix of biology, psychology, and environmental factors, sorting through emerging sexual feelings & might go beyond just thinking about it and experiment with sexual experiences. I needed answers to the question whether "Am I Gay or Straight?" I guess that was only possible once I had encounters where I realized what role I did liked the most & with whom. There is no simple answer to that. 

I was afraid of fears of prejudice, rejection, bullying, discrimination or violence, that could lead me to keep my sexual orientation secret, even from friends and family who might have support them otherwise, though not sure. Society things it as a curse & this one is a tabooed subject of least interest. Hiding it gave me more severe emotional problems like anxiety and depression.

Everyone has times when they worry about things like school, college, sports, or friends and fitting in. In addition to these common worries, I had this extra layer of things to think about ending up hiding who I was.

"Attractions may also change over time"Having one or a few experiences with somebody of the same gender does not automatically make you gay or even bisexual (feelings of being attracted to more than one gender). Sometimes it takes a while to understand our bodies and our sexual feelings towards others. I guess this is all normal.

It's not always easy to find somebody to talk to, but I find that confiding in someone I trust (even if I am not completely sure how that person will react) should turn out to be a positive experience, that I am yet to dwell into.

Throughout the world, attitudes about sexual orientation have been changing. Although not everyone is comfortable with the idea of sexual orientation differences and there's still plenty of prejudice around, being gay is getting to be less of a "big deal" than it used to be - fingers crossed.

Located in Kolkatta, I am a 25 Yr. Old. Guy I never had sex with a women until now! Well I am not very sure if I am interested in girls much or not, I mean yeah I had it with same gender though! Well I would not mind having it with a girl though! I happen to have some fun precisely 'cant mention what all with a girl once, almost same age (5 years younger to me). But yeah the actual sexual thing never happened as precisely it was meant to be, other than the orals and stuff. So I am worried if I could do the anal part pretty well or not! It does not troubles me if I would be a good sex partner or not, I am not even in a mood to have a same sex marriage or any sort done! Its like I am not Gay, maybe a bisexual or curious enough! But would not miss a chance to do it with a girl certainly! I guess I need to explore more. - Anonymous

LIFE'S HARD

"We don't always know what makes us happy. We know, instead, what we think should. We are baffled and confused when our attempts at happiness fail. We are mute when it comes to naming accurately our own preferences, delights, gifts, talents. The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people's expectations. The tongue of the original self is the language of the heart."- Julia Cameron

I am a seventy year old. in Hyderabad I lead a very happy life (though not very happy) but yes with all the content. You might understand how it is coping up with two different lifestyles, That's like every other house's story, mixing up and maintaining up with the in-law's and stuff. Well they have no complaints,I did everything I could with patience and wisely! I was from Mumbai, and after marriage I had to settle in Hyderabad with my husband (an engineer by profession) & in laws. I am a house wife, my husband died some years back,& we have a child (now grown enough, in the age of getting marriage).

It gets difficult for my son, not having his father by his side, & I single-handedly no matter how much I try but cant be both parents to him. he has no complaints, but I still feel that he might be going through the untold emotional shuffling deep inside him asking questions to his own self & not getting answers.At a time when he really needed a father figure beside him, he got stuck only with me coming to his rescue. I am not sure how effectively have I managed to be the best possible mother to him, but if it gets nostalgic for me now & then, how would he be feeling,, It's hard for me too at times to understand him, because if his father had been alive, he would have understood things better.

"We are each unique beings with a unique path in life. If we wish to be fulfilled, we need to go to our own hearts for direction & God for guidance"

Life does not work that good after your partner leaves you and you are all alone by yourself! trying to adjust with the society, whole politics, and drama. Despite trying to make all the odd ends meet, trying hard to make things even, my husband left me with a child ,which was enough to cherish all my live ahead. Still it's not the same being single, raising a boy (now a man) alone and taking lot of decisions under social obligations & several society pressures and keeping up with all the ill & odd nuances of life. You cant take a decision alone, because we live in a society where when you are single, the taboo hits you from everywhere & life grows on like that till the end goes on. I am not in my pink of health at this age and growing old, worried about how my son is going to cope up with the world! and the society and live ahead, may it be work wise, socially & otherwise. He'll be getting married and other social norms and obligations as he grows. Well it worry's me thinking what if I am gone, what will happen next with him. how well would he manage to cope up being the only single child without any siblings and no parents on his head to look after him & stand beside him. God give me strength and patience, may it all fall into places at right time & everything be just fine. - Anonymous
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EX,USE-ME-MISS-USED

Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out...

I am just an example of a tortured set of present participles dangling out of my sheer experiences of a lifetime for a long time now & I end up doing the same mistake every time. Although I am glad to have made it so far,,,but it has not been that easy.

I have been used by people who I wrongly mistook of being there for me for long time, & they would always end up this re-union of kinds... wanting me to rather believe, that I could go on with this unrequited love - where in, I had these feelings, while it wont be from the other end or one wont feel in the same way. I was no way going to wait in this torturous anticipation of hoping to have any possibly it at all there was a slightest of chance to make it become mutual - you're better off if you don't expect it to. If someone feels absolutely nothing for you and couldn't care less whether you happen to be in the same room together or separated by an ocean, that's not likely to change.

"La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated"

My ex-used me & it was not just once, but in series of vulnerable attempts that I always ended up with so may of them, getting caught - believing it to be a healthy relationship of sorts, but it didn't seem to be in reality, at the first place - which I usually ended up thinking about later. Things not even before they start, seem to hint you, that they wont go ahead & still no matter how hard you tired to make it happen, they wont just turn sound, specially the distanced love it might be or just about few steps away.

Now & forever, it has always seemed to have ended up in platonic pandoras of uncertainties - so fragile outcomes, leaving you reluctantly impatient solitude. It came to my learning later, that there were people in large numbers who (by hook or crook) at first made you believe that they would stand by you emotionally & mentally if at all there was nothing sexual about it, but then actually turning out to be liars, who actually wanted to feed on you, being friends with benefits or for reasons best known to them & as soon as they realized that you were not going to single-handedly comfort them anymore welcoming there malice intentions of having to let them use you as & when they wanted  - taking you for guaranteed, they would immediately make it a point to run away after consoling you that they could just be friends, still in there attempts, trying to make you possibly believe, that they were not guilty & not at fault.

The whole scenario of people doing that deliberately by now have actually made me realize that the world was one insane piece of shit, & people who generally talked about love &, relationships & friendships were actually the ones, who never wanted any of this at the first place & all they were keen enough about was a less talked inhibition of there that was away from love.
I never not wanted my love story to be a single sided one - I always wanted a mutual partner in love forever.

Located in Mumbai, I am a thirty-eight year old in a professional to media, fashion & glamour industry, & I've met so many of the sorts who want to climb up the ladder of success through my shoulders through and through. This game that they play makes me agitated & perturbed thinking them to be sick bastards who would befriend me first & then they would unfriend & leave me alone to have acquainted me with these altitudes of grief stricken consequences, wherein I would fall apart, believing not to easily trust or have faith in everyone or anyone that rather ranted about things they never meant.

Despite being quite of an experienced sorts, my emotional to the core tendency often finds me falling as a prey to this one more likely again & again.

Intuitive me - reluctant as much as I seem to be, try to flee away settling down to the minimalist approaches likewise with no expectations. With these seldom reasoning of sorts that grow within me - getting carried away, in attempts of not to be be-fooled in blindfold games of ironical consequences. Just because I had bad experiences in he past, that does not mean I wont try to gather myself once more & give it a try again, but these number of disappointments always end me into fleeing away from the wrongful pacifying myself & sufficing my soul with a lonely lowliness - wandering in an earnest need of these fly-by-night dreams that had got me into all this & that of going & doing the necessarily unnecessary in hope to find someone who could just stay forever.

This eager curiosity of a well ignited passion to set everything else on fire, keeping aside for the moment the tormented disturbances and enjoy the drizzles of this so called emotional craving, caring & everything that comes as a part & parcel of this destined foolish blunder called love - in any forms to my willingness, trying to give it a try & abide by for as little or more.


I realized in course of time, that I was not the one being a prey to this pick, use & throw ideology by people who smartly believed themselves to have had already 'invented & invaded' - using you as a stepping stone, either to pacify there emotional & physical urges or using you as a utility-outlet as a commodity for venting out there emotional stories or to bed you for there physical pleasures of "one night stands" . 

A lot of time & energy gets wasted trying to figure out knowing someone & investing ones emotions in expectations that come naturally, The amount of courage that goes by, explaining your vulnerabilities, desires, anguish & other things in a comforted confrontation with the other person & hearing there part, absolutely explains thoroughly this role play of sorts that had its way out & was one of its kind.

No matter how surprisingly It was to understand this tendency of people trying to buy or borrow you as a utility on a barter deal for ones achievement - & witfully bully you with boxes of turmoil left beside you at the end to vent by. It was humorously weird & sad how people could play games thinking they could easily make anyone fools in there attempt of a instant & an easiest way out to sleep with someone to lure them to be more useful to the other end. Easy was it to make someone fall for you - it was like an art they thought they had mastered over & you were becoming a prey to there selfish motives, was their ulterior motive.

These number of incidents following the same patterns over & over, taking me for guaranteed, on a roller coaster ride unknowingly & unwillingly to a Pandora of "what it seemed like to be" a healthy nurturing relationship of sorts, but in practice happen to be just another lame shit blunder happening in my life more then once which was hard to actually realize & differentiate how the whole hierarchy of events from the starting till the end were just meant to be preconditioned & self-motioned notion of ones deliberate attempt to blush & flush one down to this emotional wanderings.

In its viciousness, going in circles, there were a many in a win-win situation & others a failure in there attempt to disguise in a more evidently yet complex metaphors of unfair trials. Everything & everyone else came and went - sparing me with horrid horrors or taming me to this hallucinated game-plan with its aftermath so unbelievably petite, yet torturous to the core for as long it lasted. Judging it all through a intuited mind quickly & getting over it as soon as possible was seldom a blessing in disguise.

I guess by now , I have learned to rather say, "excuse me, then to be misused thoroughly". - Anonymous

I AM GAY

“I tell myself I am searching for something. But more and more, it feels like I am wandering, waiting for something to happen to me, something that will change everything, something that my whole life has been leading up to." - Khaled Hosseini

I am a twenty-two now & put up in Delhi, India, originally not from here though, but now we kind of have shifted our base in here along with my parents - The thing that I want to outburst sharing about is myself being gay (that's what I would call myself, as of now, since I am more curious towards boys and less curious or not at all curious when it comes to girls). 

My sibling has a hint about my orientation so far of my being curious and inclined towards the same sex, since I've told about it to my sibling! but I have no idea on how to take it further - I mean as of now I know I am not going to get married to a girl, & since I am in a age right now, where-in I would be more or less concerned about studies and exams, rather on matrimonial accomplishments.

In the words of Carlos Mencia " if u think that your gay then you are gay.”

At times I do wonder (what if I had not been gay) and at times I feel good being one. I've come across all the human traces of odd and even people in a little span so far through virtual & have met few in real  I haven't explored much of sex thought but still by & large, it along with everything is in the process of growing & building my so called aspirations & curiosities, that I cling on to in hope that my hormones do justice to my experiments. Well It's weird at times when I come across too mature ones(uncles & daddy's) and at times, when I come across same age or young fellows. I am still to figure out how much of a gay I was & how much of straight I could be, and if at all this was just a phase, that I went through.

I guess I'm not that metrosexual. My bathroom cabinet is hardly overflowing with products. I only really have my stuff for shaving. I can't honestly say I moisturise, though I probably should. - Clive Owen

The fearsome feeling of being apprehensive about the whole idea - what would be the reaction of my parents when they come to know about it and how would they kind of react on the whole issue. Well I know my sibling is there to support me and talk to them about it, but to what extent? right! From there ,that point in case I am stranded all alone by myself, I would need to figure out my life, parental pressure, social norms and obligations, concerns and values & stuff like that, trying to maintain & relate as I grow. Well right now I guess would not want all these things to bother me and would rather let it go as it is and see where life takes me and how it takes me along - how welcoming it stands in there, holding on to thee. In hope that I am received with open hands 'as I am' & relieved...sigh! 

"While changes in sexuality are certainly not a universal experience for everyone who sets out to understand ones same-sex attractions, for most of us, that’s okay. Because heterosexuality isn't the real goal anyway. (Look around you. Obviously, heterosexuality alone can never guarantee happiness!)" 

You say: I should be straight. I say: Taste the rainbow bitch!

Don't know where the time went, stuck in the wrong mind set & I let the rules bend When I know that all along they're made to break. Hey, you got me searching for reasons, to keep me from leaving & that I have trouble breathing. I give myself another chance to stay, hold me close and I won't leave. - Anonymous

ADAPTED

Human beings have a funny way of treating things like people. But hopefully soon, they'll learn that as long as objects are valued more then lives...tragedy would forever be manufactured.
To love. To be loved. To never forget your own significance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.

Everyone in this world just wants to feel loved. I don’t care who you are, that’s the bottom line. You want to feel loved and you want to feel heard. This is a natural feeling that might come up at some point in ones life. But if they know that you are there for them always even though someone couldn’t because of a million various reasons that this world throws at them, then they will get through it and come out stronger on the other side because of you.

I have spend loving my parents my entire life, & would keep on loving them as long as I live.  I was loved by my family in abundance, & everyone else, despite my few relatives were a little indifferent to me at times, I never mixed well with them socially, no matter how hard did I made an effort to try. The acceptance was not about adjusting single sided, neither did it really matter. No matter how alienated & artificial these situations stagnated for a while & ended up & disappeared by themselves. There were these nuances that followed & haunted.

My parents would often tell me, that I needed to be more strong and would warn me "these relatives might possibly abandon you & make all attempts to ruin your life, after we are no more". they would say, I needed to be more alert, become mature and understand how life works in order to survive & fight for the righteousness. I would not understand at that age, what they meant, but as I grew, I could understand & relate to every word they said.

To adapt was to become specifically "fit" for something.

I have always been and would be a part of this family who from the very beginning brought me up, loved me, and tenderly dealt with me in a fragile way, I could never ever believe, I could ever had slightly been deprived, or neglected. As much as I made little or all efforts to reciprocate the same, Though it took me a little time, growing up into a mature adult, and understanding, that there is absolutely no one other then your own parents/family who made any remarkable difference, when it came to 'standing beside you thick & thin'.  

I've been hearing the wind chime making sounds at random intervals, whilst this flow of wind passed by & the birds chirping as I sit down with a cup of tea, looking outside the window. I seems like it might drizzle.

And I'm starting to believe more and more in all that stuff the old folks tell you, all those quiet whispers about those things that our ancestors brought over from the motherland. Guess I'm a believer now, too.

Life as changed, shattered -  I would not be the same again. There just remains this grudge, why Me? ...“End of Imagination”- Anonymous