He stood there holding his white pyjamas and watching over his ordure on them.
We were surrounded by a large number of people gathered together at our place - so disorganized & unruly. All I know, there was something going on. I stood amidst many faces unrecognizable, family members & few relatives were the ones, I could reckon with. Every head flashed for a while, but later vanished to an illusionary disappearing act. I had no clue or time to figure out anything about the comings and goings of anyone else, since It was only him that I was bothered - rubbing up the wrong way.
He stood there, troubled & uneasy, perturbed-disturbed, & in fractions of time, he started running, fleeing out of the boundaries of the house in a jiffy. There was no one doing nothing. I didn't knew, what to do, whom to tell, I couldn't get hold of anyone, there was no time. I could not have waited and watched. I started to follow him.I was breathless. Watching me walk away at pace slow, the search for him started to grow - there were few others running in all directions elsewhere.
He ran and ran, while I shouted his name loud. Looking back, noticing I was running after him - following - he made faster moves. There was something that had him tormented deep, he didn't wanted new ones to reap. There had been a lot worst we had in the past and he didn't wanted troubles anymore to last - his way of keeping me safe - out of reach of hampered spells cast.
Considering himself to be a victim victimizing the hazards upon, the whole indulgence had made him initiated this mourn upon.
I saw him last - going down this lane, entering the gate & disappeared again. I stood there on the gate with security not so tight, I started explaining things to the guards ‘a one or two’ - sooner or later - they might - asking for there help - to which they agreed to lend. The whole explaining and understanding that underwent, Finding him out was a crucial task & I had less time at my end. No one knew, where he went?
He seemed afraid of his surroundings, of people, of everything & everyone else - He was taken away from his ancestral home by hook-by crook to a completely unfamiliar & habitat so indifferent - surrounded by strangers strangely - being confined to absolutely nothing at his own sweet will - forceblly mistreated - a life, that was not humane anymore. It had been a long time since he saw familiar faces of loved ones whom he could relate to, sit with & talk to. He seemed like, he wanted to flee away from the clutches of an imprisonment that was barbarius. He was not in the pink of his health to be rebellious or revolt.Thy shall only make him suffer more & kill him, behold.
I wanted to stop him, console him & wanted him to confide. If only, I could - I would ask him ‘what was it, that bothered him & he needed to hide - why? He was and forever be relatively familiar - the last one, I was left with...Now my hearts even heavier...sigh! Sad, what a pity - that he was taken away with intentions so witty - out of reach - out of sight with a forceful-right & everything had been turning insane & sorrowful for him & me - so shitty.
This obnoxious act - had me crying for help & I woke up midway with a phone call realizing it was a dream.
In anticipation - waiting for a clear picture, answers - eventually, hopefully in due course, by and by, in time, or in the long run, in the fullness of time, at some point in the future, one day, one of these fine days, some day, sometime, in time to come, sooner or later, when all is said and all is done, before its to late - I still await to learn. - Anonymous
“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
"You can't get too much winter in the winter". - Robert Frost
Like many another scion of Celtic forebears, I celebrate the arrival of the Winter Solstice; like many another gardener, I rejoice in the coming of the coldest, darkest days of the year. To be sure, I complain about the cold, lament the lack of sunlight, and crave the warm sunny days of summer still to come.
Perhaps it’s the first mellifluous notes of a half-remembered lullaby? Or the acrid scent of your Grandpa’s cigar? Maybe
the thwack of rubber thongs on sticky bitumen in summer? Or
filaments of dust dancing in the dappled afternoon sunshine?
Hazy, lazy memories of childhood. They jostle and tease. Sepia-toned and rose-tinted.
Getting depressed during winter? Odds are you've heard of seasonal affective disorder, or you've experienced it for yourself. Fittingly abbreviated "SAD," this periodic melancholy is most often seen in the nature's coldest season while your body catches a case of winter-tide doldrums.
"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus. So, I suppose the celebration of Solstice each winter and the acknowledgment of substantial tasks to perform are a kind of reminder of the whole cycle. Role is never completed; there is always something needing attention; and at every turn there are rewards – joys, gifts – that make it easier to get off one's lazy behind. Most days, anyway.
This year must definitely be a sign for all things new.. With my original dislike for wreaths and now being converted, the same has happened in the way of tinsel. Tinsel used to scream tacky to me years ago, but this year I really really fancied some for the bedroom. And with some rice lights tucked up in it, I absolutely love it! Christmas, we are ready for you!
With Christmas only a hand countdown away (Say What?) I am feeling pleasantly chuffed that everything is sorted (all except for few!) and most presents were purchased months before. Admittedly, next on the list is wrapping - which if you ask me, the first few are always fun and have attention to detail.Then the rest? It becomes a chore. So at the weekend, I carted all the presents upstairs along with boxes of wrapping and sellotape and a big mug of tea and headed to the spare bedroom to get fully festive. And feel like an elf for the afternoon.
And because we all know how much we enjoy our own bed, and any form of cozy and snug bedding, I felt it was only right to jump into that sipping on hot tea whilst staring out the window.
I couldn't agree more with Robert Byrne's quote "Winter is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours.' - Anonymous
I befriended many in a very joyous yet confusing part of my life. I had gone through so many changes spiritually, physically and emotionally that if I start talking about them, I'd definitely fill a book. I liked few people instantly. much before I saw or experienced the 'real' them. That explains that we were destined to meet. I believe that everyone who comes in our life comes because of a reason.
"Sorry I could not keep up to my promises.I wanted to".
My father came & took me away and I went with him thinking that I'd be able to make him understand my viewpoints about life, work, marijuana, spirituality and everything else. I ended up making a fool of myself at home and subsequently became a nuisance in their eyes. All I needed was a little support. I do not blame them for anything. While I was there, I could have started my own fitness thing out of the money that they sent for giving exams and registering subjects. I wanted to be what my father wanted me to be and fulfill his dreams and at the same time wanted to establish myself in the best possible of ways I could, of what I knew best and could do well for a living as well.
"But, I was in the horns of dilemma back then. I wanted the best of both worlds".
So after I and my father came home (him seriously thinking that I had gone nuts because, I was talking about drugs).I tried hard to make them read on stuff that weed actually is not bad as they think it is, because I did not wanted to hide anything from them. But, they did not understand me or even tried to with an open mind and my antics grew day by day, both in size and stupor.
"I stubbed two cigarettes on my wrist in front of my father to prove a point. I even cut myself with blades out of anger".
Then one day in April when I asked them to give the ATM card to get my internet reactivated, they refused. It was night. I was so angry that I left the home early in the morning to meet you and stay with you. I was so high, I took only a couple of clothes and my Gita and weed. I took a phone which they had bought me earlier in hope that I become a sane(slave minded) person again. I thought that I will sell the cellphone and take a refuge & would sit and plan for life ahead. Meanwhile when I was smoking near a temple in the market, (I hadn't left town by then) I got a call from Goddess and she said that your mother is very upset and crying and if I leave now, she might even die.
I went back to home, just because I thought that I cud not give them so much pain since I had already given them a lot by not performing like a genius in college. There my mom cooked the best she could and offer me and brother asked if I wanted to have a pizza. I seriously thought that they had become open minded and were ready to at least make a teeny tiny effort to understand me...but, I was wrong!. My brother tricked me into going to a rehab by saying that they need someone to teach people yoga and they wanna offer you a temporary job. I thought since my father had blatantly refused to sponsor to even start my fitness thing, I'll do it on my own.
"I became claustrophobic."
I was trapped there. With vile, filthy, unbecoming and uncouth close minded strangers. They made twenty of us sleep in a tiny room with no ventilation. I nearly died in the night. The next morning they gave me a pep talk and 'tried' to brainwash me into believing that 'what all they said about narcotics was for my own good, as if they were doing a favor on me. They make people eat feces and make them drink urine in front of all the inmates if someone does not adhere to their rules and regulations. They make people use soap once a week.They make people naked on a whim and make them stay nude for days at a stretch if we voice our opinion. - these three lines are just trailer & I do not want to reveal much.
The great Chanakya says that "No friendship is formed without the expectation of a favor of some kind".
Well. I found a book 'the autobiography of a yogi' in the rehab & It became my constant friend and companion . Surprisingly just a few days after finishing the book, I was released.
You have no idea how much I missed few of the people that I could count on my fingers. Feeling bad of certain things that could never go wrong if I had done that or this. Two hard months of rehab mind programming rendered me senile, neutered & scared like a sacrificial goat. I was even afraid to open up to my old friends, left alone.& scared that they might send me back to that hell hole again.
"God does work in mysterious ways".
Then, I asked my parents what do they want. They said the same, whatever you like to do. I was so angry from inside that I thought of dragging them in the court and I would have won too keeping in mind that nobody can force an adult into a rehab without ones consent. It is akin to kidnapping. But, my alter ego stopped me from stooping so low. I then said that I will complete my course in six months as they wish.They became happy instantly. Now they started saying that once I complete my degree they will help me out with my plans - I believed them. When my exams were nearing an end, one of my friends suggested that I should try for a bank job since they have a lot of vacancies and I was eligible despite my pour record at college. So I asked them if I could try for that. They said yes. I couldn't run off just like that this time you know. I needed to plan long term.
I know it must be hard for someone who loves ones parents deeply to understand this. But, God does not bless everyone with the same blessings in life. My parents are not evil. They are just stubborn and close minded. They believe whatever the papers or television or their social circle says. They never read except the papers so have nil view about how the real world operates and have not a tiny bit of idea about law of attraction.
By December 2013, I had completed my college course and mom and me came back home after staying together for five months there. I passed. Then I presented them with the idea of becoming a Bank PO. They agreed to let me go and have coaching and agreed to let me stay alone. I got coached. I came back and ever since may 2014 have been living at home. Gave five exams. Few of them I didn't clear and for the rest still awaiting results. My father tried to lure me again by saying that I will give you thirty lac which are in your bond after three years of being in the job. then, you could start you thing(whatever you want to). My best guess is that he hoped that I will succumb to slave life that is a 9 to 5 job in three years , get my balls and dreams chopped off and never look towards fitness or writing again. Well I said , No thanks. I don't need your money anymore. I will get it by whatever little I could save in my job and start my own thing side by side. If my dreams come true and things get sorted my way, I will even have no need for the damn job. Whatever happens, I will become the best I can be. So, here we are.
I tried to remember & tried searching chats but I believe in my drunken stupor I had deleted every friend from my list who mattered and every message. I cursed my luck. I hope this is not too boring for you to read. but, one thing I can assure you. this is the truth. I got beaten at rehab for speaking the truth. "I will never return to this family once I go away". I wont cut contacts with them but will not make any effort whatsoever to share whats going on in my life. Nobody dictates what I do or don't do in my life.
For now, I'm laying low and keeping my feelings inside. Being an egotistical bipolar depressive person that I am, I have talked only about me. Thanks for hearing me out. Much love, kisses and hugs - Anonymous, Male, 27, India
"As long as I am this or that, I am not all things."
-- Meister Eckhart
I thought one of the advantages of having an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it’s just like how some of my relatives got into this country!
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, that's my dad, and I wouldn't have him any other way. - because my father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
I guess I could say that my dad is Superman, though I don't mean that in a Clark Kent, leap-tall-buildings in a single bound way. He doesn't have super strength, he can't melt things with his pupils, fly, or see through walls (though I'm pretty sure he has eyes in the back of his head). No, my dad is superhuman in ways much more amazing than that. He is a "SuperKid"
I reason I am writing this is because, recently, & many a times, I have seen him doing all the funny things just like a Kid, which were told not to. He would be extra vigilant on the pettiest of things, that he believes only need his attention, and no one other then him could do any good to.
He has been falling around here and there, From bed to the floor, in the Loo, Unbalancing himself a number of times. Recently he fell from the 2nd floor & straight on to the Car's Bumper. Just Imagine, what sight it would be - a mixed feeling, more of an emotional, worried sort & sarcastically humorous later. It all sounded like "Akshay Kumar(Actor)" doing a stunt in a Bollywood Movie, & making an attempt to Jump from high above to the Car's Bumper.
Damn. & then he was rushed to the hospital, with a Bone here and there raised & lowered, & a Blood Clot.
Doctor said it was a Miracle' how he was saved & still is decent enough to be saved & normal. & I cried deep down in my heart, realizing the very fact, that" if if does not stop's doing this once and for all" It would be no Miracle anymore.
As I walked down the corridors of the Hospital, I found this "Champak Book "(a bouquet of short stories, comic strips etc ), & I happily picked it up, & starting digging into it,& later I realized, was it this that I was being sent by God to collect, via all this, to the hospital.
Persistent on getting petite things done over with in fractions of second, & then going to check whether they were done, if not, shall happily go and get them sorted himself. Knowing this fact that his body does not allow him to take in all that
He's the constant rock in my life, along with my mother. I feel the pain when things happen to him. After a certain age" we all agree, that they all become "Kid". He's the man who'd bought me things, spent hours teaching, guiding me. The man who pick me up and carry me inside when I fell asleep, the man who'd point to all the petite good and bad things happening around, with him & his family.The man who would be more worried by the little petite things, as he was the only one who knew, given a chance, would sort it out & do it himself, no matter how much stress, pain, ill, weak his body was in. His body would no longer support him, he would end up falling here & there, bump into this and that all the time. Despite he shall stand & start doing all the necessarily unnecessary, which he had to. At a age when he should have some poise & peace, he is being one naughty kid, persistently engaging himself in this or that, & getting himself into trouble all the time, in odd ways, which are not even anywhere near him to leave him in a condition that he conquers, despite all the odds, & readily puts himself in - all the time.
My dad is my hero,like everyone. Looking at my dad, with his salt and pepper beard or cleaned shaved at times and smile & frown lines, I know most of the time what he means/feels.
I knew my dad had always wanted to give the best to me and my siblings. Throughout all the hardships, he's never given up and that reason, among many other, is why my dad is so important to me. I look at that old man, at my old man, and I see a reason to be all I can be and so much more.
I see cold hard proof that it doesn't matter where you came from, just matters where you're going. When it comes down to it, I guess I really do believe my dad is Superman. I can't think of anyone who can go through the things he did and still find something to genuinely smile about & still landing himself in a most worried state of dilemma, still being worried about" Did you ate", Did you finished that, Did that? and so on".
I hope others have their own SuperMan/SuperKid in their lives.
"you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."
The list of guests keeps approaching, & then there is family & relatives always pouring in, visiting him to check how he is doing. Sister's & there family, along with Me, ,My Mother. Brother giving company to Dad all the time. Yesterday I had made a cup of tea for dad, to give him along with the medicines that he was supposed to have, but this Visitor would not leave, & so I knew I had to Re-heat it again, & I waited. That's like one of the many of the everyday chores of my Life.
"He and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy" - Anonymous
I could go on and on falling in for the infatuated me, for thy someone' risking my dignity, offended by rejection, but eventually ' at least I could say' i tried, made a move. so what if it did not worked. At least the desirous me' shall not be kept 'haunting chasing thy. (I at times fail to understand, how difficult it has become to tell someone that I am fond of you' & I like you & could fall in love with)' emotional(rationale & logical statements being considering flirtatious) like these' now a days no matter how much un-tabooed they get' they still fall into the category of in the closet shy & reserved syndrome, still living with thy self perception of "on a look out for someone other then the one who just approached", satisfying themselves with a preliminary sufficed satisfactory "they are better off alone" syndrome. 'No matter how hard it all gets, in such a easy to go phenomenon, that could have been', you could just no longer perform right to speak or do without thinking twice. Being Straightforward has only kept itself restricted to words in writing' & if it comes into practice verbally' it is labeled a repulsive/violent act.
For example. Why can't we just not say to someone (known/stranger) that you really look hot & sexy(in the dress you are wearing, or I would like to see you without anything on) & I desire for more then just being with you, other then staring at you, and feeling infatuated to the core, imagining things you & me could do. This could possibly be inventive on a curious experimental rationale of a human behaviorism by choice of actions.
I still can't erase the thought of the glimpse of that someone that I saw, I am sure I will be seeing again, and I guess I need to be courageous enough if not to talk face to face leave a note saying how & what all I feel, & hand it over saying' Excuse me this is for you), & run away, vanish completely, leaving my contact details. Can give it a try. Thinking exactly how would I face thy, next time, face to face, if things did not work in the apt way? - A curious anticipation, left to my emotional, mental, sensual, & physical state of attributes, running down from the mind, to the heart, through the blood vessels, leaving me all the more asexual or the moment. - Anonymous
I was out in the Backside Balcony, of the 2nd Floor, with my phone, while I waited for someone, who I had come across to meet, shelling out a sum of Rs.600 via Cab,for a meeting that lasted 10 minutes precisely. Reaching at 11, and leaving by 2, with a wait for more than hour. There was a person who was playing some game on his cellphone, waiting like me, killing time. With a little discussion over several issues, trying to communicate and kill out the torturous time, that we both waited for. It was quite friendly of him in a humble way to communicate.
Not keen on to playing games, & feeling sleepy at the same time, because I had not slept the whole night. I felt, if I had to sit there on the chair, I would certainly doze off, and beside the fact that the cab driver was waiting, with no clue to how much more time would it take. For once it came to my mind to flee away from there, but then I thought I had anyway to pay, so rather sit there and do what I came for.I thought to make it a little worthy of time & creativity. Now trying to kill my time, clicking few pictures.
I stood on the strange land, with a strange surrounding. Looking at the chores of few strange faces cleaning there house with the broom in hand, the other one sorting out the garden, and a guy standing on the water tank in his half pants, trying to do something. I wanted to peak on to what was exactly happening out there, I tried gathering myself up closer to the edge of the boundary walls of the balcony, and found that he was cleaning the water tank, mugging out all the dirty water out of it ,splashing it out of the tank. I did saw him noticing me, noticing him, but I kind of stood there imitating as I was busy with my cell, and cared nothing whatsoever. Later to my surprise, after like 15 minutes or so, when I saw, another guy coming out of the water tank, it was hilariously surprising, questioning myself on what on the earth was he doing inside the water tank.Later when these two men came off the tank, they took a bath, and fled away, there i realized I had no entertainment left to entertain me anymore, and with screeching heat on my head, I decided to come inside.
I wish I could have made a video of the same, and clicked some pics,but I did not, could not. I did not wanted to act strange pointing my phone on strange faces, in a strange way, that would leave them clueless on to what I was up to.. I certainly did not wanted to give them any ideas. - Anonymous
We all have our part of stories.
Why can't everyone fall in love like I do? Why cant there be just profound fondness or willingness to get close or carried away without no inhibitions with our so called infatuatedly habituated willingness of making out. Why won't we, or why we couldn’t relate in the same way. Why there had to be reasons so reluctant, that killed everything completely, putting an end to it even before it started. Why won't we even give it a try & why every time it had to turn so fake or artificial, Why do we have to hide? Why aren't people so openly responsive enough to give it a considerable thoughtfulness.
Why was it so difficult?
"A good intention clothes itself with power(never wear masks) - that sure would have been a powerful intention, intentionally or unintentional.- Now how powerful, needs to be figured out. But what if someone likes undressing much more then being clothed?"
Everything seemed pretty much straight forward & easy going, without any agitations or masks & no sign of a camouflaged pretentious mind. Something told me, there was a friend or a friend to be, or even more. We had this age gap between us, but did not felt if there was any. It was good to have someone staying up close-by. You could probably end up crying your heart out or sharing secrets & being happy go lucky together.
I was so overwhelmed by a yes, when I asked - I would want you to stay tonight. I met someone after a days conversation. Just the thought of meeting someone, & having someone staying over. had brought in a gamut of something pleasant into me & I was joyous & excited. It was drizzling outside as if it was in the mood. In that time frame, we were carried a little, enjoying the music & having couple of drinks(wine & whiskey) after finishing up the leftover food - we were still sober. Tried pulling all the conversational strings over & over, while we talked for a while before we hit the bed.
“Sharing a bed, was not a phrase just limited to a sexual parameter, but it was more of a comfort zone”
We slept afar from each-other. Though I had intentionally not made it clear that I was possibly attracted towards this person. I was reluctant & possibly did not make any advances of any kind in the darkness, unsure about how would the other person react. I wasn't sure about anything else either, but all I knew was, that I did not wanted us to sleep. The other side was reserved, shy or unsure or probably had other agendas. I on the other hand was willing to hug, hold, touch but kept looking at those closed eyes, staring at the face.
With a glare of light that’s all which I possibly could get from my phone, looking at the sleeping posture by means of indirect light. Despite being anxiously excited to see as much of the naked flesh that I could probably see though, The little that I saw, made me more curious and I rather fell in love and fondness with the clothed and wrapped up soul, that slept like a baby next to me. Something told me, the one who laid next to me wasn't having a sound sleep either.
Though I was much keen to go closer & cuddle but I refrained myself. I still made little effort while I managed to hold, hug or possibly kiss, feel or touch by gestures - possibly loving. (with no sexual misinterpretation), seeking emotional comfort & as little as physical endurance that I was craving for & wanted little attention and love in return. I was a human soul with longing that wanted to run down deep getting intimately involved. Sex was not on my mind & all I wanted was to ease out all that I could there & then in that darkness of night. I was little sleepy & at the same time sleepless & awaken wanting to somehow get close & intimate, I hadn't thought that there could be a day, when we could possibly end up together on the same bed.
"Nothing else other then my soul which had a hard on - irrespective of anything or nothing, there it could shag it self off at that very moment.”
Night had passed by. We had a cup of tea in the morning. I guess I had not been a pretty good host, could have been better. I am sorry if I could not be thoughtful about a hungry stomach(guest), while I had a hungry heart. There was not much to offer today, maybe if there was a next time, It might give me a clear indication - food for thought & a food for heart. We could have stayed more & longer, if only I did not had any plans. As much as I would have wanted to hug, shook hands or kiss, while I bid goodbye leaving thee, helping to catch a richksaw puller.
I had intimated you later about how I made friendly & romantic gestures in the night. I am not sure if you felt & witnessed them while you slept. - Anonymous
