Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Unsaid & the Already Said - First day of the Year

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer. All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time. You have to die a few times before you can really live - I feel I have lived & died a trillion times already, answering & asking, & my head and heart now is one stale recycle bin, where there is no "empty trash" option! But there seems to be something still that smells nice out of the stale lot. I could sit and write all kind of stories, but they were not of any worth, until I wrote mine, & I even don't mind if anyone was reading or listening to thee, as I was so much busy myself trying to console myself about every word I wrote, filling in all those gaps , that I edited later, and revised. I could straight away go back to every moment good or bad that I ever belonged to, & it could carry me the same way I did, while I admired not so well written prosed collated vocab, that I tried to refine every time I write something.

There is this greed to be filled with harmony & peace, and acquaint thyself with all the materialistic as well as the non-materialistic. One can choose, but at times the choice is not an option made that easily available. Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something & then you see everything turning just the opposite in fractions of seconds. Its like paragliding without knowing how to. I sit down, stand, lay down, getting hampered and trying to hamper thee back, shoo away these thoughts that haunt me, and bring about just a giggle or a tear & more out of no where, in that state of saddened stoned state of existence that prevails out of no where, & everywhere and everything just falls apart for that very moment. After you are done with the lateral & the not to lateral thinking, and tormented struggling to keep your head straight dropping dead like Fred, & being like one living dead, as if you were already in hell or heaven (don't know either of there realities, so I assume they might just be very much like mine)

There is a kind of crying, I have experienced, and it is not just crying about something terrible that has happened, but a crying for all of the terrible things that have happened, a crying that cannot be diluted by a brave deed or a kind word, but only by someone holding you as your shoulders shake and your tears run down your face, giving you all the assurances that everything would be all right no matter what. At least if not everyday, once a week, I could fall into a fit of giggles and laugh rolling out load, holding my tummy, falling of the bed. (they said' there was something called happy tears), I so wish!

"First day of the year", is very much the same as the last day of the year, but then there is something about it that touches you to the core. As life gives you a flash back to the tiny of the ugliest or pretty petite and by and large few random good ones, travelling unwillingly to this whole thought process of past & a intuitively worried presumed future' down a memory lane through & through this very unsettled state of mind - a brainy & heartfelt episodes of ones living.

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - My story seems to be no less of a fairy tale, I tell you, but I guess fairies have fled away much long back & I have been busy slaying the dragons lately. I wish my guardian angel comes and save me from thee and slaughter these creatures who torment me away every day. I win , I loose, I get high, I get low, I get defeated, other days I am just average normal being, a less average, a below average, above average, & averagely I live life likewise everyday, and everyday is not the same. I seldom close my eyes, & think I made my brain shut, from the odds, if only I could say life is good, good is nice.

My body is the most revolting thing I own. I know this. I have got it bruised a million times emotionally & physically, thinking of it as a beautiful & ugly. Good riddance. Beautiful or ugly cannot contain what this body represents inside out. I am still here. In this body. After countless times of trying to leave it. A fight with myself-struggling to pacify with a hopeful fistful hollow anxieties & dreams that have made me a wanderer, though wondering now & then isn't that wonderful, I could utilize my time & head into a hell lot of other things I possibly could, If I could only settle down on to thee(my life). Its 3 am' I already made it to the first day of the year, glad! - Anonymous

Friday, December 2, 2016

Our Ghosts aren’t eating you alive

"Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it."- David Foster Wallace

Ants... Automatic negative thoughts... Or u mean haunting creative visions? 

Both of these and everything and everyone else ,the living dead and the dead living in all forms in love and in hatred. Everything that eats thee and the trouble some soul,the desperate one, the frustrated union of thee negate and the surviving existence of the unholy beings. that gets you reluctantly or in ways more feasible, depleting your existence to the merciful platonic and the real. The reel and the invisible.

Get a life u bitchy tramp.

I immediately opened my eyes and furrowed my brows in confusion. "You have no right to say that. Don't tell me how to live my life." The words came out in monotone emotions. You think I'd take you seriously?" Raised an eyebrow and for some reason that I don't understand, I burst into a fit of giggles..and the numbness that had been making me almost not human disappeared.. I can already see the future in this life I chose—long working hours and a lot of sleepless nights. and life wouldn't be so bad at all.

I don’t know how to put it, but I just can’t get it through my head that here and now is really here and now. Or that I am really me. It doesn’t quite hit home. It’s always this way. Only much later on does it ever come together. -  Haruki Murakami

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -  Maya Angelou

If I'm to speak for myself, I'll tell you that the universe is twice as big as we think it is, and you're the only one that made that idea less or more devastating." - Anonymous

tipkali - chipkali(lizard), Preying the Play

"I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was." - Ransom Riggs

That's a new name given to this lizard that we were having fun with,while it was busy catching its prey in the light we were bothering it to move away by clapping and chutki bajaaying' (snapping fingers) saying tipkali,and it would move. "That's how little kids had fun and got me all engaged in this playful act-a new game".

Kids will be Kids' and they would make you one too! For once, do adapt yourself in there shoes and let the open laces, be open, and you don't need to tie them up, no matter how many times your Moma says you too, (Simply ignore). We go more things to take care of. Moma! let me play na!

Little emotional moment when your name verbally is spoken almost to a perfection suffixed or prefixed by anything else. It was prefixed by ey' before and now its suffixed by uncle' by this little kiddo, who wants to play with you,spending time with you as if he got acquainted with this little kid inside this adult body that his soul could only figure out' and he would call for you, remember you and cry when he couldn't find you.
"I plant roots so deeply in the people I love that I always lose a piece of myself when they go." -  Beau Taplin

What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.
Bursting into joy of tears, remembering the eventful deed, at the time of the need, is one essential vitamins that gives you a high. You loose nothing, Neither does your age fade away, you are only going to shell out few ounces of your fat, jumping and might shed few numbers from your growing adulthood being. - Anonymous

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Contrast-foul-Contrast-fuel Longing

I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.
Life isn’t meant to exist in a narrow color spectrum of perpetual happiness. That’s a movie. It’s not reality. Experience all your vivid, fiery, watery emotions. Give yourself permission to be full bodied. You’re peeling. Revealing. It’s a messy, magnificent process.
Sometimes the verbal communications from a complete stranger are so friendly, that you sink down sulking to an awe of desirous longing for knowing thee & sharing yourself to thee more. If that little conversation lasted pretty good, imagine how rest of it could. You rejoice to a strange yet pleasing appraisal of kind interaction, that made your day, and the more of it seldom makes you want to grasp and hug and kiss and never let it go, never let It end.
God created man and, finding him not sufficiently alone, gave him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly.
Agreed we all are strangers in a strange strange world until we start becoming friends and inmate thee. Far are the truths and the false attributes of a life, that often tie us down, and we slowly open, each layer peeled of resulting in a ruined or building up a strong impression that could last for eternity or die instant.
I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much.
Presumptions and expectations based on our judgmental core values lead us to somewhere or no where. We often kill it and try to flee away from what is not so desirous to thee and keep safe the desirous that belongs to our fetish forte. Tired to rinse and wash often thy stained, we start a fresh and the viciousness follows.
I despise the space that separates our skin whether it’s only the threads of our tshirts or the miles between our beds
Desire to mingle and talk more, sharing and caring gets more ascertained based on how the other person reacts to your over friendly gestures. Not often is the person on other side in parallel terms to your choicest of options and its different all together to a contrast foul or a contrast fuel (contrast full) of seldom conditional self centered agendas.
I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn’t.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don’t need help.

How difficult is it to simply tell someone that you were fond of thee and in response all you get is why and how in reaction to thee statement delivered. Backing off is the only step left to save yourself from any humiliation thus caused, meanwhile hard to convince that the lonely soul might want to creep to a soul that mistook the fondness to be a misinterpreted and misguided approach, pretty much straight that was nothing more of an outrageous attempt to be straight forward and approach thee with love, failing to which, one dwells into ones shell once again with no trust to thee.
I hide because there’s more to me than what you see and I’m not sure you’d like the rest. I know that sometimes, I don’t like the rest.
Bend down rudeness of harsh realities make you live in a fake world of your own, and the world would never understand you , just because you tried so hard to reach out to thee, but thee never understood. Failing to the intellect that could mesmerize and settle it all even, the journey flings from one corner to other , from one soul to another, & the poor soul gets pissed off at the end. Grief stricken privacy longing to be invaded & assaulted.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Anonymous

Thursday, October 6, 2016

I Wish

"Each time I’m asked to tell about myself, I find myself starting the same way: ‘My name is so and so and I’m of this age…’but what I’d really like to say is:'My name means island of the ships but once
I found a translation that said I’m a burning shipwreck-not a burning ship but a ship that has caught fire after the wreckage and well, I’d say that’s more fitting.

’I’ve learned that people don’t have time for about-me’s.They need two things: a name and an indication you’re someone special. The doctors, they want facts not details. 'I broke my leg when I was three, it’s a funny story actually-’ The right or the left? Conversation over. The teachers, they want interests, hobbies.You’re sad, yes, but what do you like to do? The adults are a spew of questions. What school do you go to? What classes are you taking? What do you plan on becoming? Got a boyfriend? No, stop.

People my own age are the worst. 'I’m planning on an English degree with a concentration in creative writing.’ Yeah, aren’t we all. So how many times have you, you know, done it? I’m pulled apart, my interests traveling highway 2 my goals at a stop light at traffic hour, my medical history on a billboard for the world to see. But what about me? Where’s the chance to say, 'I hang on to fistfuls of poetry like loose change in my pockets, and I keep waiting for the day that the world turns upside down so I can swim with the stars. I’m not afraid of darkness, it’s a loneliness I can empathize with. It’s the black holes like cigarette burns inside of me that get troublesome. I walk through graveyards and read the dashes between years, each a story I’ll never know. Sometimes I create my own.’ No wonder none of us know who we are anymore."

"I wish I had met you sooner. If you were mine when I was in my youth I never would’ve fallen for that boy in my chem class and cracked my head open on his chest. I couldn’t see straight for 3 weeks after that. And maybe if I had known you since I was a little one I never would’ve gotten sad enough to cut myself, a tick mark in my skin for each time my mother cried. And if we had met two summer’s ago I probably would’ve been asleep in your bed instead of in my big sister’s car when she crashed it and I could’ve twirled my fingers around your hair instead of pulling the strings out of hospital blankets. If we had met just a few months sooner I’d probably never know the taste of too many pills because my mouth would be too busy telling you that I love you.I know that people can’t save you, I’m just saying, I think that if we could go back in time, and kiss before the night the fire in my bedroom washed away the blood stains on my carpet, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to mean it when I say I want to die."

I feel bad for those who lost their inner child. The world needs more adults with young heart, a brave heart, one that's excited and enthusiastic about the wonders of our magnificent world. People who believe in miracles, who believe they can make them happen too. People who can stomach the horrors they witness everyday and give love even when they are never the recipients. People who are kind enough to forgive everyone around them and forgive themselves too when it's the hardest to do so. People who are crazy enough to want to make a difference, even crazier to work for it - Anonymous.

Mouse Infested Pied Piper

(चूहा)'Mice it is'.Yesterday this:poor little new born breathed heavy, still does.I can see his heart pumping. Can see him move too. Tiny little soul laid right next to thee foot bed floor of my home temple, submerged & stuck on to thy mustard oil.

Jumping trying to flee away out and over the raised boundary, while I sat cleaning, scrubbing the mustard oil on thee floor. I had to constantly watch him and pat n clap to let it not come any closer to me. After few minutes of him struggling, I made him a cardboard runway. He kept slipping unable to climb. While I was still in the process of thinking to convert the runway into a staircase, I watched him climb and take a para glide jump & flee.

Its been three days and this tiny lil one has been enjoying to and fro in this house temple of mine. I have been feeding him with tiny piece of cucumber. He seems to be happy about it. He follows me , as if he either could smell my odor, hear and see my footsteps when I am there, and follows me every inch I move. I have to careful not to step on thee. He happily climbed on my feet yesterday and I had to shook him away. The first thing I do when I enter is to put all the lights on and check his placement before I make any moves. I often find him strolling by with his raised head, while I am chanting my prayers, and ringing my bells. He has mistakenly presumed me to be his parent/guardian/caretaker, no offence to that. Everything and everyone in the world seeks for a company to be with else thy shall be a lonely soul. Whatever this relationship be for how little is beautiful and unconditionally accepted. I did not see him this evening. Wondering where thee wandered.

I guess all the petite little things surround me, in-sync , tuned to my big hollow brilliance in disguised overweight n heavy burdened piled nuances of life. This so called habitat-ed Hamlin is my world now. Hell or heaven thy be.

I am not sure if you could callme a "Mouse Infested Pied Piper" I seldom live in and overrun to an unwanted degree of a troublesome state of affairs now and then. Thank God there are no Sharks that infested the coastline. There ain't no coastline either. Else I would have been in deep trouble. Would be difficult to flee thee. No natter how numerous everything & anything undesirable or troublesome it might be or not. You see I am a soft hearten one, caring that infests the day & night. Getting harassed n harnessing thee, finding company - Anonynous

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Invincible Winter & Two Longings

"I don’t do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision. There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point".

In the midst of summer, I found there was, within me, an invincible winter. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

It’s entirely possible to listen to silence; it’s just that most people don’t. They aren’t interested or they forget about it or they think it simply isn’t doable. They don’t listen to how sunlight has a sound when you wake up just before dawn, or how blue is a soft sound, or how summertime is a sound. What you’ll find when you listen to silence is that it isn’t silence at all, but rather a cacophony of noises playing themselves in a decidedly melodic matter. Everything gets balanced until it cancels out entirely. Silence is not an absence, but a gentle presence. - Sean Glatch

"Do it or don’t. It’s amazing how many things in life are that easy - All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust."

Life is a series of unlikely events, isn’t it? Hers certainly is. One unlikely event after another, adding up to a rich, complicated whole. And who knows what’s still to come?' I am suspicious of words. They do not interest me, they do not satisfy me. I suffer from the ways in which words wear themselves out. There’s something beautiful about keeping certain aspects of your life hidden. Maybe people and clouds are beautiful because you can’t see everything.

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default. "My father said there were two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better".
"Others may change us, but we start and end with family" - "The beauty of things must be, that they end." I wonder why I ever felt guilty about liking solitude as much as I do – because, although I’m often alone, I’m never lonely. I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.

"There was once a man who became unstuck with the world, and each person he met became a little unstuck themselves. He travelled only with himself, and he was never alone".- From the movie "Castles In The Sky"

"Everyone walks around with a part of themselves broken and bent out of shape, a little portion of themselves out of sync and crumbling thanks to the nature of loving and trying to be loved by other people". You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful, and you need to believe that you are. Someone out there still hopes that just because love hasn’t shown up in a while, that it doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist. Someone out there is waiting too.- Anonymous

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Till Death Do us Apart

"Interior of the hand. Sole that has come to walk only on feelings. That faces upward and in its mirror receives heavenly roads, which travel along themselves."

Many, many years ago in a sad, faraway land, there was an enormous mountain made of rough, black stone. At sunset, on top of that mountain, a magic rose blossomed every night that made whoever plucked it immortal. But no one dared go near it because its thorns were full of poison. Men talked amongst themselves about their fear of death, and pain, but never about the promise of eternal life. And every day, the rose wilted, unable to bequeath its gift to anyone… forgotten and lost at the top of that cold, dark mountain, forever alone, until the end of time.

Do you realize why is it I'm so driven to operate within the Establishment? It's vengeance. 'Hope I die before I get old' is something I still have to live with, but not for the reason many people think. I have to be very, very vigilant not to become one of those people I despised.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn't remember especially because the transitions from life to death and back to life are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it. I realized it was only because of the stability of the intrinsic Mind that these ripples of birth and death took place, like the action of the wind on a sheet of pure, serene, mirror-like water. I felt sweet, swinging bliss, like a big shot of heroin in the mainline vein; like a gulp of wine late in the afternoon and it makes you shudder; my feet tingled. I thought I was going to die the very next moment. But I didn't die.

Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew. (Guillaume Apollinaire) - Anonymous

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Show Me The Money

"They say' money attracts money! well I wonder how wondrous torture it could be".

If only, I wish, that money could buy, money! for anything else is just illusion, and there is absolutely nothing you could hold on to, if you don't have money in your guts, to impress thee.

I have found ways to do miracles with it, but seldom found it to attract envious rivalry, bellyache bitches and dismal aftereffect.

Its been a while , years actually, I have been passed, from one hand to other, assuming it to be one kind of a barter deal, lending to another(they are so alike, you cant make a difference), shelling out more pesos, tossed here and there, with a faith that something shall come to a better end, but as they say" tomorrow is never promised", I still have to promise my faith to the fore front and latch it up and safeguard, if I could.

"This fugitive, miscreant felon has fled from my pockets & I am still trying to revive thee".

Why do we have to be friends with such transitional souls, in this existence of cycle of life, why we have to prove them or us righteous and wrong and compete? Why we have to be rebellious or calm, and yet ,let the world turn absolute disaster. Why we have to walk our way to such coextending utter absurdity when we could chose our own path, why we have to seldom chose wrong directions to the righteous routes, Why do we have to be friends with everything and anything else, that was inconsequential, and was a mere predilection that was just not there, never existed.

I have seen quite a handful lot who will do anything and everything for it. The filthy rich pretend to be poor, and as lame as they sound, there lifestyle could be of rich and famous, but there hearts are as petite and low as nothing. Few wretched blockheads who pretend to be an intellectual lot, often play games, fooling everyone around. These are the ones who wear mask impersonating to be who they are not.

Sad but true we run into people who we bump into and have no way out. We only can pretend that it was the wiser and easier way to deal with the situation when we personate. Lame as it gets, and deranged as it inundates you in and out. This grandiose, deceitful appearance, in the most promising fraudulent ,deep-seated-ness preoccupies more and more, dwells deeper and deeper, in and around, until it settles down in layers, stockpiled on to your very own being, and no matter how hard you struggle to skirmish a combat with and let it go, it leaves its footprints. Its an influence that corrupts your piousness.

This long list of swindler misanthropists that follows you, might turn you down any now and then, they shall wheedle you & grind there own axe"

May your adherence and fidelity to thee wherewithal strengthen in earnestness. - Anonymous

I Don't Understand

All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.

Thinking is a full time job, and we’re still unemployed. We all think a lot, don’t we? I hadn’t been planning to write specifically about thinkers, but then, the universe is the wittiest strategist, right? We all have a person in our life who thinks more than we can think of thinking. He is not a mind reader, but he can be a strong conversationalist and quite a keen observer. Talk to him once and he can unfold all the closed chapters of your life. I have developed a kind of liking for the people like them. Although the reasons why you must befriend with someone who think a lot, is too long to sum up, but a few of them are as follows.

“I don’t understand” is a beautiful phrase. There is nothing demeaning in conceding to the fact that we aren’t, we can’t be omniscient. And those three words won’t ever be said too much. Pretending to have an opinion on things because that’s the only way to avoid getting flak from the intellectual elitists has become the new norm. It is the easiest escape route to fit into the nerd culture. We spend most of our time forming half baked opinions on things that are the talk of the town, and then spend the rest of our lives defending those opinions, working ourselves to the bone, getting increasingly agitated and confused…until we forget why we decided to take a certain stand to begin with.

When you stopped wanting to die or kill yourself, what was it that changed or stopped you? I find it impossible to live with my depression any more, I see what it's tied upon but it's tied of variables that are out of my control. Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. Its very hard to say this because I do not want to talk to anyone any more about it. I am simply exhausted and I don't want to burden other people with it or tell them and receive the stupidest answers. So I'm asking you, although I don't know how this will change anything. I wish someone could show up, place their hand on my forehead and say "it will be over soon". Sometimes I think of the bad days I thought I'd never survive and the number is zero. That should be fulfilling enough, but I guess there's something different working for everyone.

At the end of the day I think the only universal lesson is to let go of people and things that break your spirit. Once broken, you can repair it. But it takes time. It takes sometimes longer than the situation that broke it in first place. I don't know. Not all wishes that come true materialise the way we wanted. So do we need to make more mathematically argumented wishes, or is life simply a long row of check-ins in recovery?

Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry. - Anonymous

Sunday, May 29, 2016

The Hue Blues

"Well one thing about this crunchy chicken wrap was, that it came in a neat printed thin cardboard wrap"  - foodie for life!

This Shadow of a four legged one that I saw around 2:30 am, through my window last night, as I peeked to witness something moving, Took my cam in the night sky, and with a flash on, shot this one, stalking by something, having a stroll on the tree. It was a matter of seconds, I would have missed on this one! Never seen a cat on tree  I am sure , she was hunting on to thee nest that laid there, trying to chicken in those poor baby birdies.

Despite exists, these empty spaces, hollow heart, too much you have eaten meanwhile, time to fart, irrespective of the most pleasing cuisines, despite of the odds.

So far is so near, so near is so far. It's just a matter of perspective at an excellence par. Reaching out to the world and letting them reach you is not much of a task its just that one could perceive intentionally being judgemental to thee so called mask. Let off go thee. There is nothing to be. Its just a pure thought of being the real you and me.

"Ask the Chicken' I am sure it would agree!" Why should Cat have all the fun?

Ever tried, short listing things up' that you would consider most important, accumulate all that that was necessary, cherish - that was important, needed. List seems to be never ending. I wish, could take whole world with me, on a second thought though' Well that's the art of living. Doing away with, and considering it not necessary. minimalist me trapped in a materialistic habitat.

"Ever tried letting the Art within you live Life?"

I have been sleeping in front of this spoilt ac, turning it on, waiting for that fortunate chill breeze, that gushes out for minutes, comforting me psychologically with a belief that, something magical shall happen and it would put me to sleep, no matter how pitiful this blast furnace be, I shall manage with what and how of thee patiently. the hot air balloon overhead, thee ceiling is traumatized by heated gushed ounces of air. I still manage to find ways of avoiding nuances, still being imprisoned to thy natural(weather) traits. This has been the tantrum for a while, and one day finally this water cooler that gave me my first undisturbed, peaceful sleep this season, ending this summer storm on this day of month of May. Not much of anything expected from thee, I cuddled to a sound plea, thy gave me a reason to let all the nuances flee.

"There you go!"

Dressed n tucked up in black and white in sizes tall and short, in shapes oval, rectangular, zero size figurines, that you pause and stare, others you pass by, some look promising, some lost, single eyed to a spectacled and glared mixed lot. friends, family and fellow ones, on a run, few matter, rest scatter, fingers crossed to thy whispered nuances, situations extreme to calm pretences.

Court room, corridors, canteen and loo, stuck on the glued furniture on Wednesday blues.
Tailor made, taught and sought exercising on your vocal cords parallel to thee fingers crossed, i sit anguished, perturbed and nostalgically bowled out to the half learned that already flew. stable though to a wilful mimicry of addressing thee to a forefront few. apprehensively putting along pieces through thee sew. - Anonymous

Saturday, May 21, 2016

A Rebellious Saint

We all have our set of Problems , and we all have misinterpreted sets of presumed diagnosis on to the other always handy, as if the other person was taken as a granted fool. It is the case with everyone around, everywhere. "The intellectuals understand it and keep it all piled up underneath there wisdomous approach ,knowing when to speak and what to, whom to and exactly when to"

We all have been often wrongly judged or righteously on the actions we do, or the things that happen in and around in our lives, surroundings, and so on. It goes on and on. As a piece indifferent flesh that exists in different to every individual, but with a soul we all share in common, a little pious , and a little cranky, there exists no priest in any one of thee & If it did, the world could not see with naked eye, it needed much of a self realization and revelation to a great extent that was not just as other easy means of mere online transactions that could be sold or bought. No matter how often we end up bitching, backbiting, mistrusting, talking about the other person, who we vaguely /falsely understand, pressurizing our opinions and dominant proposals on to thee, for forgetting that every individual was different and had his own lifestyle and issues etc.

Now its been like ages, that I have known thee, and vice versa. The ones who live close by, are the ones you cant keep yourself far, from all that happens in and out and around, in there lives and mine, I guess we are evidently no strangers to each others perspectives and illusions, lifestyle and habitual traits. I don't know how should I, If I should, should not - I mean, one would definitely know the other if one lived with thee, no matter how easy or difficult it be. & any other random person would know pretty much less of how and what thee is, But all you know is what is told to you, and all what that goes in a blindfold, not seeing the light in real scenario, that happens, and we all end up choosing fighting on it, rather settling down to a better eventful perspective approach, peacefully.

It is hard to trust, and keep up with few ill odds, ill deeds, ill talks, coming from certainly few people that surround you, No matter how much of it goes inattentive or is an attentive forgetful trash thrown in the bin, they say bygone is bygone, but it always haunts and surrounds you once in a while.

I am aware of every single thing, as much as the people near would be aware less or more, almost most of it, that happens in and around thee next door corridors, I guess the walls have ears, and have eyes too.

"It by no means gives anyone right to prompt on more of the negates then positives, and talk about it,. I guess I have been quite a talk of the town . Having a single parent ,deceased father, and the world pounced on us like an eagle as if we were its prey. It was more weirder specially after my mother expired. I have come a long way, its going to be years and few months passé. I guess I have become a saint now, things like these hardly matter to me, and I generally happen to over look and forget these tantrums that set there eyes and ears on my visible traits of existence.

This saint sometimes feels pretty perturbed, not with the things that happen bad, but knowing the fact, that people you least expected, have been making up - a pretty much intrigued biography of your personal life, and propagating it all this while to everyone that comes in handy." I am a saint' so I would not do the same, but eventually I guess if I turned out to be rebellious soon enough, I will do all that, I could to eventually throw all that was inside me ever, on to everyone, and everything I ever met that ever existed until my existence."

People change ,they say' but very few do' for good or bad, and the later ones have those characteristics that you just cant take out of them no way. Age matters, the older you get crankier you get, you loose much of it already, the younger you are, the peppiest you be , the sober you are the golden you are. I rather call 40's to be a sober age slot, it might not be with everyone though, I guess at a point when you have seen a lot happening in your life, you tend to adapt yourself to the circumstantial habitat, that engrosses you and you try to find peace, and let go off all thee that possibly bothers you, and you settle down on to the things that comfort you and keep you busy in a healthy way, and moves your thought process from those more ill odds to thee less positive ones.

"Taken for guaranteed are we all, are we not?, and we still manage to manage.

- "A Saint sees light' foresees future, sits crossing his fingers, whispers, prays, talks to thyself. tries to find peace, dream, adapting to thee minimalist approach to thee materialistic world, accepting what comes to him, adjusting thy."

That does not mean you can take him for guaranteed and harness his soft spot and engage him in a quarrelsome fight, of words, wrongly perceived thee and wrongful doing to the shall by no means shall make you any less of a coward. - Anonymous

Monday, May 9, 2016

Games Kids Play

Audrey Hepburn, Marlyin Manoroe & RajniKant had a hard face to face. Had to tell you, Had to post it, Had to. This was the best of Kanchakein ever on the last day of NavRatri & RamNvami Day), that I had till date. Though less of a spirituality ritualistic approach to the whole modern scenario take on the festivity, but one overwhelming playful one, interestingly that lasted for approx. 3 hours or so. After the Ice Cream distribution and handing the kids with money, while they scooped up the spoon to the delicious cold one in this summery weather. Backdrop had Durga Saptashati & Ashtakam and others playing. Counting the heads of the ones who were present, and handing them with the already kept disposable container of this Kaju Draksh Ice Cream in the refrigerator prior. to my surprise, there was a lot of fun that went in here this day. The Kids played parsing the parcel with the cushions(Hepburn, Monroe & Rajnikant covers) that were couched, and they sang, they told jokes, stories, danced, and so on. There was a camera recording by one of the kids - an eye witness to there acts of the day. There suddenly I realized, that my refrigerator had no stored and kept water, I had all 12 bottles filled. Water bottles parcelled from one head to other, quenching there thirst. One of the smallest one(girl) brought a bottle of orange cold drink, & she stood there with it, saying to her self, "Oh my hand broke" - this just won't open! ,maybe trying to get acknowledged of her state and get help. I said, let me open it for you, and she was happy, and gulped down her favourite flavour. While others decided they shall start hiding and play hide and seek, in the nook and corners of all the rooms of my house, even the washroom. Forget my privacy, I was not thinking about myself at all, all this while, all I was in content with was, that these kids were having the best of there times. The kids from here and there, neighbour and so on, bashed each other with cushions, and when complained to me, that it was being done, I remarked, bash them harder, and they giggled, and continued there playful acts of childhood. Later everywhere I went in between after finishing my on going mantras and chants for a while, leaving the kids on there own to enjoy, I saw someone or the other hiding, with finger on there lips, asking me to stay mum, and not tell anyone that this one was hiding here and there. Later More bottles of water were asked for, and my refrigerator kept opening more then the usual. Even the kids by now knew where the bottles were, so they would themselves peek up, opening the fridge and take and keep back themselves the water supply. The little girl, who I helped to open the orange bottle, came asking me to keep in it the fridge so it became more cold, and happily went back to her kindergarten world of playfulness with folks who were of all ages, sizes and colours. Well I did not wanted to disturb them so I kept myself busy cleaning utensils, and sorting some stuff meanwhile all this underwent a jump, run, slide, noises-louder and whispers-low. I could have clicked it all, and captured those reserved shyness & facelift glows, those posed brows, and selfie rows. But then, missed it, I was just going along with the flow. There is always a next time.

I heard one kid saying, the floor seems to be dusty, look at your feet's, they are all in shades of grey. Well & I did noticed one patch of my feet engrossed, fossil'ed on to the floor, which I had tried to clean in a jiffy last night, and stumped on while I did that. Well yes, I had done this hawan last night' known as Sandhi Pooja (its done in the conjunction of Ashtami & Navami" So it was between 11;30 to 12;30, that I was making it happen. Besides, almost everyday or once a week doing this hawan, and other incense sticks and lighted diyas, makes it a little dusky, grey and black, & Its little difficult to clean every time. But yes I have decided to clean sweep the floor soon. I had been busy with other things, so I had been a little reluctant performing the tasks that are not necessary ,focusing on the necessary ones, trying the minimalistic approach. I heard someone commenting, there might be ghosts coming at night in here, followed by few ghost story tellers who shared there views. I am not sure, if it was my footprint, since by the time I tried to check it out, I could not see any later. Well I thought I could measure mine with the one that was imprinted, but it had already faded away in the dusky glorified playful ritual acts of child play folklore. You would, if you could know or never, who it was? Was it me, or? Was it the Goddess herself who might have just come over. Well often seldom stuff that I have heard & perceived in shadowed illusions, could actually be a progress in imagination or process in real.

Meanwhile, the games continued, I was even asked to join them. There was a demand for more ice-cream, and demand to turn on the TV too, while few sat on the floor, others, laid on the couch, others stood here and there. Well this playfulness came to my house after ages. I was happy, and I knew it, It was God's divine grace that had witnessed its blessing on me in this way. In-between the righteousness and wrongful doing and mislead, misunderstood, misguided, heartfelt & blessed, it all went better then planned. Bless thee Lord, Goddess in all glory and forgive me.

What was delightful the next afternoon was so priceless- I was waived by the yesterday mates. Some I saw, some I didn't. The kid who had been staying next to my house, who I always saw playing cricket, repairing cycle, with his other two brothers(one big and one smaller), often. He would get ready for school, do a bit of gardening, clean utensils, sweep the floor & do all those chores, that would made his day. it was once sometime back, that he asked me for the ball that had jumped its way to my balcony, and we had never interacted before or after that ever. In fact other of his siblings, or parents and others, never did. Never initiated a talk, & I stayed put too, though could not blindfold myself observing the chores next door. He was the new entry to this circle of friends who joined this festivity too for the first time. While I watered my plants, I saw him washing something, and he noticed me too, & he paused for a while with that big smile(I could see his teeth) thrilled me to the core. It felt as, The kid in me could melt down to thousands of tears of joy, & run down and hug a new friend neighbour he made all out of the blue. It had been a while, all of us glued on to the nuances of life's hectic schedule, and not often do we see a smile on someone's face looking straight into your face, and admitting and appreciating, that connection, that spark(soul connect). Some vibes are positive and they connect to the core so heartfelt, that you don't actually need a conversation to understand nothingness. He carried with his bath, and I carried with my gardening skills, pretending to be a well versed gardener, in the screeching heat, as if had nothing else to do. I came back in myself after noticing that he wore his clothes, collected his clothes, and went inside. I am sure there is going to be more of such positive vibes and smiles, that could rejoice the cheerful mate in me, and thee would follow the lead to the soul connect, once it is pampered so well, understands, shall return the favour in return. I took that mug of water and threw little water up in the sky, keeping my face down, so it fell on me, rejoicing to this mini rainfall. Landed on to thy emoted happiness, at 40' you can surely be of 14. As they say, age does not matter, you can be who ever you want to be and whatever welcoming likewise. You fall in love with yourself and others all the time, its like a little of it comes to you, the more of it goes from you in reciprocation, as it grows and multiplies, take turns, reaches a high' until it settles down to the faded excitement, killed overrated curiosity of thee heart, in the process, until you try to find ways to keep it alive as long you could.

Some days passed, and that little girl(the smallest one of all, that I helped open her orange drink bottle), says hellow bhaiya, standing on top of the 3 story flat, and waiving at me, as I waived back at her with a smile. Some moments are so heartfelt as and when they happen that they leave you with all the love, and nothing but love, that's priceless.

HaHaHa This fool in me so fucking gets carried away every time! & it can't even keep it to himself, "I wonder why he has a bigmouth" blah!- Anonymous

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Price Tag - Yourself

If only I could sell everything on olx and everywhere else and be filthy rich,. I could settle down with the minimalist me, confronting the ill odds of logistics of living. There shall always be a catch in the games we do play, why we eat drink work sleep and pray. Pardoned for all the necessary evils and blessed for the devotion thee, Not everyone and everything is out open that too without a hitch, There will always be a ditched mockery of life as a bitch. Seldom taken for guaranteed, those unkempt promises are the ones from who ditch at the times lease expected.

I grow poorer to the world so insane, its just that the hidden treasures that my soul pleases to my name. What good be thy artificial praises, or thy fame, if I don't stand a chance to witness holistic flame. Burning churning, makes me stronger and For all that I worried of future comes to an end. I will soon he at peace with piece of my dignity and soulful realisation. I shall worry no more once I am done doing that. Me myself and mine is and shall suffice the rest of thee, for When I am done, there shall be no chaos knocking coming at me. Vigilantly standing alert to thy nuances ,perturbed, I wish I could vanish away, still I praise the experiences thee who have made me taught them so brave. The womb that I came from, the time that shall take me to grave - all of it was never mine, grieving over it shall not be fine- No matter how struggle some and pleasing moments that came and winded by, my whispered and loud breaths and breathlessness consoled my failures and victories at the end. You better settle down, you timed witch, I have learned my lesson, unmaterialistic and selfless I have drawn closer to thy and thee, happy in my own little world, I am filthy rich.

No matter in which region or in which planet I live , to me it feels the same everywhere, the moon sun, winds,, pigeons, dogs, its very much the same. I only need air to breathe, food to eat, water to drink, sleep that suffices me, sunrise, sunsets, & the stars. We all are in closed walls, with shady windows with curtains!, we still don't get time to open them up & clean the glasses, stroll over the wet morning grass, feel the rain drops, get wet, gaze the sky. Sex, religions, caste, creed, colour-nothing binds me, nor does it separates. I am powerful enough to erase the demarcated lines, boundaries that separates thee, and overwhelm & love. courageous enough in totality in love and fondness within & around.

Wherever you live, the world follows you, It's we those fail to follow it back. - Much tied up with the materialistic, that we tend to loose onto , forgetting the petite meaningfulness in the thing called life. My soulful spirits tend to be holy when I cherish the merrier zeal of living, right now every second..
The sun and thee heat, the rain and the winds, the moon and the stars, clouds. The squirrels, birds, dogs , plants, trees, flowers, the mud and the water - is what confirms ,I am still alive to cherish. What I see is beautiful to my utter conscious joy of realisation. All I need is a confirmation that I shall have a roof on my head to survive, eat, drink, sleep, awaken to the consciously alive surroundings finding myself all the more sufficed to the bless full act of Gods destined plans for me.

There is nothing, at all that would be worthy to barter a exchange deal ,except life to thee death, those my arms would be willing to sell myself too. Quite a difficult realization - price tagging yourself.

All the more if I could barter those whom I loved, whom I was loved by, who existed no more, to return in lieu of my being gone. Time Machines are not mend to work in reality, if they did, could have sufficed at least to my small and dainty of desires to travel and mingle with everything and everyone, that ever existed in those fading memories, trying hard to keep them alive, yet buried.

Alive in this very moment. I will not be in the next. Young .growing old until I text. I Breathe to Breathlessness in days to come. Comforted means to a Discomforted mess, and yet again' a vicious circle follows' There is evidently no end to this phenomenon of karma & destiny. - Anonymous