The Unsaid & the Already Said - First day of the Year

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer. All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time. You have to die a few times before you can really live"

I feel I have lived & died a trillion times already doing the answering & questioning & my head and heart now is one stale recycled bin, where there is no "empty trash" option to click onto. Nevertheless there at times when some things smell nice out of the whole stale lot.

I could sit and demonstrate all kind of stories, but they were not of any worth, until I wrote mine & even didn't bothered to mind at all if anyone was not hearing me out or reading a bit of me & If I did not happen to get an audience for my story telling effort, I would simply become a muse listening to my own stories. I was a good listener indeed, and not everyone poses such genius.

Being busy, acquainted with my effort to have this self realization trying to console the turmoil tantrums & getting nostalgic by the memoirs of utmost happiness through words of an insight wisdom & brilliance out of my experiences of life, that I would chase and get hold of & get going with my story telling endeavor - filling in all those unedited passages of time frames in paused gaps of revised editions of the pathways that were afresh or long forgotten. I could straight away go back to every moment good or bad that I ever belonged to & it was like travelling though a time machine & as much willingly everything would carry me through, I would repent to the sad ones & admire the ones that lasted good. The not so well composed prose - collated vocabulary, that I tried refining every time I scribbled something to sound more convincing then ever. I was just learning from my own flaws & I was getting better day by day maybe for good or worse.

There is this greed to be filled with harmony & peace, and to acquaint thyself with all the materialistic & the minimalist. One could rather choose, but at times the choice is not an option made that easily available to "barter a deal". Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical! because every now and then, it turns nothing into something & then you see everything turning just the opposite in fractions of seconds. Its like paragliding without knowing how to. I sit down, stand, lay down, getting hampered and trying to hamper thee back, shooing away these thoughts that haunt me, and bring about just a giggle or a tear being pampered or doing the pampering.

Its the state of black blank & dark saddened stoned state of existence that prevails out of no where, & everywhere and everything just falls apart for that very moment, even at all if you wish to hold on to thee white chalk & in your effort wanting to scribble, you could come up with with nothing at all to put down there, despite of a Pandora of thoughts that were struggling to burst out of you. No matter how hard you tried to hit onto the lateral & not so lateral thinking process, struggling to keep your head straight but dropping dead like Fred every time & enacting like one living dead. There are times when you would just go about painting colourful pictures & no matter at all if it was a masterpiece or just a piece of trash, it made you do something that you felt was necessary & you loved doing what you did.

There is a kind of crying, I have experienced, and it is not just crying about something terrible that has happened, but a crying for all of the terrible things that have happened, a crying that cannot be diluted by a brave deed or a kind word, but only by someone holding you as your shoulders shake and your tears run down your face, giving you all the assurances that everything would be all right no matter what. At least if not everyday, once a week, I could fall into a fit of giggles and laugh rolling out load, holding my tummy, falling of the bed. (they said' there was something called happy tears), I so wish!

"First day of the year", is very much the same as the last day of the year, but then there is something about it that touches you to the core. As life gives you a flash back to the tiny of the ugliest or pretty petite and by and large few random good ones, travelling unwillingly to this whole thought process of past & a intuitively worried presumed future' down a memory lane through & through this very unsettled state of mind - a brainy & heartfelt episodes of ones living.

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - My story seems to be no less of a fairy tale, I tell you, but I guess fairies have fled away much long back & I have been busy slaying the dragons lately. I wish my guardian angel comes and saves me from thee and slaughter these creatures who torment me away every day. I win , I loose, I get high, I get low, I get defeated, other days I am just average normal being, a less average, a below average, above average, & averagely I live life likewise everyday, and everyday is not the same. I would seldom close my eyes & would believe to have shut my brain too for all those fractions that I was in pace with the darkness lying underneath, that would hide away all the unnecessary odds, & there would be no thinking at all - no brainstorming.

"if only I could say life is good, good is nice".

My body is the most revolting thing I own. I know this. I have got it bruised a million times emotionally & physically, thinking of it as beautiful & ugly. Good riddance. Beautiful or ugly cannot contain what this body represents inside out. I am still here. In this body. After countless times of trying to leave it. A fight with myself-struggling to pacify with a hopeful fistful hollow anxieties & dreams that have made me a wanderer, making me wonder now & then, although that isn't that wonderful, but at the same time not that bad at all either.

I could utilize my time & energy - heading to a hell lot of other things, that I possibly could, If I could only settle down on to thee(my life). Its 3 am' I have already made it to the first day of the year, I am so glad to be alive & up! - Anonymous

Our Ghosts aren’t eating you alive

"Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it."- David Foster Wallace

Ants... Automatic negative thoughts... Or u mean haunting creative visions? 

Both of these and everything and everyone else ,the living dead and the dead living in all forms in love and in hatred. Everything that eats thee and the trouble some soul,the desperate one, the frustrated union of thee negate and the surviving existence of the unholy beings. that gets you reluctantly or in ways more feasible, depleting your existence to the merciful platonic and the real. The reel and the invisible.

Get a life u bitchy tramp.

I immediately opened my eyes and furrowed my brows in confusion. "You have no right to say that. Don't tell me how to live my life." The words came out in monotone emotions. You think I'd take you seriously?" Raised an eyebrow and for some reason that I don't understand, I burst into a fit of giggles..and the numbness that had been making me almost not human disappeared.. I can already see the future in this life I chose—long working hours and a lot of sleepless nights. and life wouldn't be so bad at all.

I don’t know how to put it, but I just can’t get it through my head that here and now is really here and now. Or that I am really me. It doesn’t quite hit home. It’s always this way. Only much later on does it ever come together. -  Haruki Murakami

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -  Maya Angelou

If I'm to speak for myself, I'll tell you that the universe is twice as big as we think it is, and you're the only one that made that idea less or more devastating." - Anonymous

tipkali - chipkali(lizard), Preying the Play

"I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was." - Ransom Riggs

The little of ordinary's have made it to piles of extra ordinary of what it seemed like & I had by now found this idea to be of valuable nostalgia, enough to rejoice & cherish the footprints of petite little ordinary moments that seemed to have left in me the memories that supposedly were to be there for a lifetime until there were new ones, that would replace & settle as life passed. 

This lizard habitual to its seasonal playfulness had come out of its hibernated shells to find its prey & it was then, that we (me & these two kids) had noticed it preying along & we had by now got all curious to know what was it up to?

We in an attempt to follow her had left our couch & were out in the light, to this flight of a fanciful play that turned out to this game that we enjoyed playing, while the kids mother ran after them feeding them. the lizard might have already taken us to be some horrid enormous creatures, that were after its life, since we were trying to scare her & shoo her away by snapping our fingers & calling her names & shouting at her to make her frightened of us. We seemed to have been playing the prey, while it was busy preying the play.

In the starting it looked not so bothered about the whole thing but eventually as the series of our playfulness started more rapidly, it ran away further to its rescue & disappeared - out of sight. We still kept on searching for it & wished it came back ,but it didn't.

"That's how little kids had fun and got the adult ones all engaged in this playful act- of a new game that we had already discovered by now".

Kids will be Kids' and they would make you one too. For once, do try to adapt yourself in there accustomed-free shoes with untied laces, let them be open & you don't need to worry about tying them up or you would fall, and you don't need to listen to your mom yelling at you, to tie-them up. Sometimes ignorance has its own way of saying that let there be this carefree attitude for a moment & let thy rejoice in ones own way to the fullest. We got more things to take care of mummy - let us play, the little one would reply.

Then the kids came inside & started playing climbing & jumping on everything that they could reach, & for the places they could not, they would ask me to make them climb up, by holding them & then asking me to get them down, & still in there playfulness they would look out for the lizards everywhere so they could continue there games. Little emotional moment when your name verbally is spoken almost to a perfection suffixed or prefixed by anything else. It was prefixed by ey' before and now its suffixed by uncle' by these little kids, who wanted to play with you & spend time with you as if they had already acquainted you & taken you as one of there friends. The adulthood was not forever an adult hooded to these logical & practical stunts of experiences that grew ,as life changed, and it was once a child too, that had this carefree soul once, and out of everything that it seemed, it had come out to play with the like minded . The kids had to go back to there place & they would remember you and cry when then couldn't find you(there playmate) anymore. The little one cried, wanting to go back to play with the supposedly friendly adult friend, & busted out in tears to have not found him & started calling thee to comeback to play.

"I plant roots so deeply in the people I love that I always lose a piece of myself when they go." -  Beau Taplin

What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.
Bursting into joy of tears, remembering the eventful deed, at the time of the hourly need is one essential vitamins that gives you a high. You loose nothing & neither does your age fade away in the process, you are only going to shell out few ounces of your fat, jumping & running playing and might get over-exerted.. - Anonymous

Contrast-foul-Contrast-fuel Longing

I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.

Life isn’t meant to exist in a narrow color spectrum of perpetual happiness. That’s a movie. It’s not reality. Experience all your vivid, fiery, watery emotions. Give yourself permission to be full bodied. You’re peeling. Revealing. It’s a messy, magnificent process.

Sometimes the verbal communications from a complete stranger are so friendly, that you sink down sulking to an awe of desirous longing for knowing thee & sharing yourself to thee more. If that little conversation lasted pretty good, imagine how rest of it could. You rejoice to a strange yet pleasing appraisal of kind interaction, that made your day, and the more of it seldom makes you want to grasp and hug and kiss and never let it go, never let It end.

God created man and, finding him not sufficiently alone, gave him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly.

Agreed we all are strangers in a strange strange world until we start becoming friends and inmate thee. Far are the truths and the false attributes of a life, that often tie us down, and we slowly open, each layer peeled of resulting in a ruined or building up a strong impression that could last for eternity or die instant.

I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much.

Presumptions and expectations based on our judgmental core values lead us to somewhere or no where. We often kill it and try to flee away from what is not so desirous to thee and keep safe the desirous that belongs to our fetish forte. Tired to rinse and wash often thy stained, we start a fresh and the viciousness follows.

I despise the space that separates our skin whether it’s only the threads of our tshirts or the miles
between our beds

Desire to mingle and talk more, sharing and caring gets more ascertained based on how the other person reacts to your over friendly gestures. Not often is the person on other side in parallel terms to your choicest of options and its different all together to a contrast foul or a contrast fuel (contrast full) of seldom conditional self centered agendas.

I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn’t.

People are hard - sometimes pretending to be your friend ,who need help but would look a lot like people who don’t need help.

How difficult is it to simply tell someone that you were fond of thee and in response all you get is why and how in reaction to thee statement delivered. Backing off is the only step left to save yourself from any humiliation thus caused, meanwhile hard to convince that the lonely soul might want to creep to a soul that mistook the fondness to be a misinterpreted and misguided approach, pretty much straight that was nothing more of an outrageous attempt to be straight forward and approach thee with love, failing to which, one dwells into ones shell once again with no trust to thee.

I hide because there’s more to me than what you see and I’m not sure you’d like the rest. I know that sometimes, I don’t like the rest.

Bend down rudeness of harsh realities make you live in a fake world of your own, and the world would never understand you , just because you tried so hard to reach out to thee, but thee never understood. Failing to the intellect that could mesmerize and settle it all even, the journey flings from one corner to other , from one soul to another, & the poor soul gets pissed off at the end. Grief stricken privacy longing to be invaded & assaulted.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Anonymous

I Wish

"Each time I’m asked to tell about myself, I find myself starting the same way: ‘My name is so and so and I’m of this age…’but what I’d really like to say is:'My name means island of the ships but once

I found a translation that said I’m a burning shipwreck-not a burning ship but a ship that has caught fire after the wreckage and well, I’d say that’s more fitting.

’I’ve learned that people don’t have time for about-me’s.They need two things: a name and an indication you’re someone special. The doctors, they want facts not details. 'I broke my leg when I was three, it’s a funny story actually-’ The right or the left? Conversation over. The teachers, they want interests, hobbies.You’re sad, yes, but what do you like to do? The adults are a spew of questions. What school do you go to? What classes are you taking? What do you plan on becoming? Got a boyfriend? No, stop.

People my own age are the worst. 'I’m planning on an English degree with a concentration in creative writing.’ Yeah, aren’t we all. So how many times have you, you know, done it? I’m pulled apart, my interests traveling highway 2 my goals at a stop light at traffic hour, my medical history on a billboard for the world to see. But what about me? Where’s the chance to say, 'I hang on to fistfuls of poetry like loose change in my pockets, and I keep waiting for the day that the world turns upside down so I can swim with the stars. I’m not afraid of darkness, it’s a loneliness I can empathize with. It’s the black holes like cigarette burns inside of me that get troublesome. I walk through graveyards and read the dashes between years, each a story I’ll never know. Sometimes I create my own.’ No wonder none of us know who we are anymore."

"I wish I had met you sooner. If you were mine when I was in my youth I never would’ve fallen for that boy in my chem class and cracked my head open on his chest. I couldn’t see straight for 3 weeks after that. And maybe if I had known you since I was a little one I never would’ve gotten sad enough to cut myself, a tick mark in my skin for each time my mother cried. And if we had met two summer’s ago I probably would’ve been asleep in your bed instead of in my big sister’s car when she crashed it and I could’ve twirled my fingers around your hair instead of pulling the strings out of hospital blankets. If we had met just a few months sooner I’d probably never know the taste of too many pills because my mouth would be too busy telling you that I love you.I know that people can’t save you, I’m just saying, I think that if we could go back in time, and kiss before the night the fire in my bedroom washed away the blood stains on my carpet, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to mean it when I say I want to die."

I feel bad for those who lost their inner child. The world needs more adults with young heart, a brave heart, one that's excited and enthusiastic about the wonders of our magnificent world. People who believe in miracles, who believe they can make them happen too. People who can stomach the horrors they witness everyday and give love even when they are never the recipients. People who are kind enough to forgive everyone around them and forgive themselves too when it's the hardest to do so. People who are crazy enough to want to make a difference, even crazier to work for it - Anonymous.

Mouse Infested Pied Piper

Yesterday night, I woke up to this disturbed noise, while I was sleeping like an hour back having turned on the lights too see who invaded my sleep & privacy. There was this little rascal rat running here & there, jumping, tossing & turning things around... I was only under the impression, that it was only my rat, that made mischief!
Today this :poor little new born '(चूहा)'Mice' breathed heavily, still does.I can see his heart pumping. Can see him trying to move too. Tiny little soul laid right next to thee foot bed floor of my home temple, submerged & stuck on to thy mustard oil, while I made attempts to detach the 'infected- inflicted' infested soul from the turmoil.

The other one jumping trying to flee away out and over the raised boundary of these premises of the temple, while I sat cleaning, scrubbing the mustard oil on thee floor. I had to constantly watch him and pat & clap to let it not come any closer to me or the part that had this other one stuck on to this mustard oil. After few minutes of him struggling, I made him a cardboard runway. He kept slipping trying to climb the boundary in an attempt to flee. While I was still in the process of thinking to convert the runway into a staircase, I watched him climb and take a para glide jump & flee, vanishing with a ran-some.

Its been three days since these two little in-mates have been enjoying to and fro in & around. I have been feeding them with tiny pieces of cucumber & anything that I could find. They seem to be happy about it( I don know how many of them are in number, though seem to be two most probably). They seem to have been following me, through my odor, or the footsteps, that they recognize to probably be friendly inch by inch. I have to be very careful not to step on thee. He happily climbed on my feet yesterday and I had to shook him away. The first thing I do when I enter is to put all the lights on and check where these inhabitants were settled & placed before I make any moves. I often find him strolling by with his raised head, while I am chanting my prayers, or ringing bells. They have mistakenly presumed me to be there parent/guardian/caretaker, no offence to that. Everything and everyone in the world seeks for a little company. Whatever this relationship be for how little while it be - is beautiful and unconditionally accepted. I did not see him this evening. Wondering where thee wandered.

I guess all the petite little things surround me, in-sync, tuned to my big hollow-swallowed brilliance in disguised overweight n heavy burdened piled nuances of life. This so called habitat-ed Hamlin is my world now. Hell or heaven thy be.

I am not sure if you could call me a "Mouse Infested Pied Piper". I seem to be seldom living in and overrun to an unwanted degree of a troublesome state of affairs now and then. Thank God there are no Sharks that infested the coastline. There ain't no coastline either. Else I would have been in deep trouble. Would be difficult to flee thee. No natter how numerous everything & anything undesirable or troublesome there might be there or not. You see I am a soft hearten one, caring those infests day & night. Getting harassed n harnessing thee, finding company - Anonymous

Invincible Winter & Two Longings

"I don’t do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision. There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point".

In the midst of summer, I found there was, within me, an invincible winter. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

“I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.” - Edna St. Vincent Millay
It’s entirely possible to listen to silence; it’s just that most people don’t. They aren’t interested or they forget about it or they think it simply isn’t doable. They don’t listen to how sunlight has a sound when you wake up just before dawn, or how blue is a soft sound, or how summertime is a sound. What you’ll find when you listen to silence is that it isn’t silence at all, but rather a cacophony of noises playing themselves in a decidedly melodic matter. Everything gets balanced until it cancels out entirely. Silence is not an absence, but a gentle presence. - Sean Glatch

"Do it or don’t. It’s amazing how many things in life are that easy - All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust."

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.” - Lewis Carroll
Life is a series of unlikely events, isn’t it? It certainly is. One unlikely event after another, adding up to a rich, complicated whole. And who knows what’s still to come?' I am suspicious of words. They do not interest me, they do not satisfy me. I suffer from the ways in which words wear themselves out. There’s something beautiful about keeping certain aspects of your life hidden. Maybe people and clouds are beautiful because you can’t see everything.

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default. "My father said there were two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better"."Others may change us, but we start and end with family" - "The beauty of things must be, that they end." I wonder why I ever felt guilty about liking solitude as much as I do – because, although I’m often alone, I’m never lonely. I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.

"There was once a man who became unstuck with the world, and each person he met became a little unstuck themselves. He traveled only with himself, and he was never alone".- From the movie "Castles In The Sky"

"Everyone walks around with a part of themselves broken and bent out of shape, a little portion of themselves out of sync and crumbling thanks to the nature of loving and trying to be loved by other people".

You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful, and you need to believe that you are. Someone out there still hopes that just because love hasn’t shown up in a while, that it doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist.

Someone out there is waiting too. - Anonymous

Till Death Do us Apart

"Interior of the hand. Sole that has come to walk only on feelings. That faces upward and in its mirror receives heavenly roads, which travel along themselves."

Many, many years ago in a sad, faraway land, there was an enormous mountain made of rough, black stone. At sunset, on top of that mountain, a magic rose blossomed every night that made whoever plucked it immortal. But no one dared go near it because its thorns were full of poison. Men talked amongst themselves about their fear of death, and pain, but never about the promise of eternal life. And every day, the rose wilted, unable to bequeath its gift to anyone… forgotten and lost at the top of that cold, dark mountain, forever alone, until the end of time.

Do you realize why is it I'm so driven to operate within the Establishment? It's vengeance. 'Hope I die before I get old' is something I still have to live with, but not for the reason many people think. I have to be very, very vigilant not to become one of those people I despised.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

I realized that I had died and been reborn numberless times but just didn't remember especially because the transitions from life to death and back to life are so ghostly easy, a magical action for naught, like falling asleep and waking up again a million times, the utter casualness and deep ignorance of it. I realized it was only because of the stability of the intrinsic Mind that these ripples of birth and death took place, like the action of the wind on a sheet of pure, serene, mirror-like water. I felt sweet, swinging bliss, like a big shot of heroin in the mainline vein; like a gulp of wine late in the afternoon and it makes you shudder; my feet tingled. I thought I was going to die the very next moment. But I didn't die.

Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew. (Guillaume Apollinaire) - Anonymous

Show Me The Money

"They say' money attracts money! well I wonder how wondrous torture it could be".

If only, I wish, that money could buy, money! for anything else is just illusion, and there is absolutely nothing you could hold on to, if you don't have money in your guts, to impress thee.

I have found ways to do miracles with it, but seldom found it to attract envious rivalry, bellyache bitches and dismal aftereffect.

Its been a while , years actually, I have been passed, from one hand to other, assuming it to be one kind of a barter deal, lending to another(they are so alike, you cant make a difference), shelling out more pesos, tossed here and there, with a faith that something shall come to a better end, but as they say" tomorrow is never promised", I still have to promise my faith to the fore front and latch it up and safeguard, if I could.

"This fugitive, miscreant felon has fled from my pockets & I am still trying to revive thee".

Why do we have to be friends with such transitional souls, in this existence of cycle of life, why we have to prove them or us righteous and wrong and compete? Why we have to be rebellious or calm, and yet ,let the world turn absolute disaster. Why we have to walk our way to such coextending utter absurdity when we could chose our own path, why we have to seldom chose wrong directions to the righteous routes, Why do we have to be friends with everything and anything else, that was inconsequential, and was a mere predilection that was just not there, never existed.

I have seen quite a handful lot who will do anything and everything for it. The filthy rich pretend to be poor, and as lame as they sound, there lifestyle could be of rich and famous, but there hearts are as petite and low as nothing. Few wretched blockheads who pretend to be an intellectual lot, often play games, fooling everyone around. These are the ones who wear mask impersonating to be who they are not.

Sad but true we run into people who we bump into and have no way out. We only can pretend that it was the wiser and easier way to deal with the situation when we personate. Lame as it gets, and deranged as it inundates you in and out. This grandiose, deceitful appearance, in the most promising fraudulent ,deep-seated-ness preoccupies more and more, dwells deeper and deeper, in and around, until it settles down in layers, stockpiled on to your very own being, and no matter how hard you struggle to skirmish a combat with and let it go, it leaves its footprints. Its an influence that corrupts your piousness.

This long list of swindler misanthropists that follows you, might turn you down any now and then, they shall wheedle you & grind there own axe"

May your adherence and fidelity to thee wherewithal strengthen in earnestness. - Anonymous

I Don't Understand

All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.

Thinking is a full time job, and we’re still unemployed. We all think a lot, don’t we? I hadn’t been planning to write specifically about thinkers, but then, the universe is the wittiest strategist, right? We all have a person in our life who thinks more than we can think of thinking. He is not a mind reader, but he can be a strong conversationalist and quite a keen observer. Talk to him once and he can unfold all the closed chapters of your life. I have developed a kind of liking for the people like them. Although the reasons why you must befriend with someone who think a lot, is too long to sum up, but a few of them are as follows.

“I don’t understand” is a beautiful phrase. There is nothing demeaning in conceding to the fact that we aren’t, we can’t be omniscient. And those three words won’t ever be said too much. Pretending to have an opinion on things because that’s the only way to avoid getting flak from the intellectual elitists has become the new norm. It is the easiest escape route to fit into the nerd culture. We spend most of our time forming half baked opinions on things that are the talk of the town, and then spend the rest of our lives defending those opinions, working ourselves to the bone, getting increasingly agitated and confused…until we forget why we decided to take a certain stand to begin with.

When you stopped wanting to die or kill yourself, what was it that changed or stopped you? I find it impossible to live with my depression any more, I see what it's tied upon but it's tied of variables that are out of my control. Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. Its very hard to say this because I do not want to talk to anyone any more about it. I am simply exhausted and I don't want to burden other people with it or tell them and receive the stupidest answers. So I'm asking you, although I don't know how this will change anything. I wish someone could show up, place their hand on my forehead and say "it will be over soon". Sometimes I think of the bad days I thought I'd never survive and the number is zero. That should be fulfilling enough, but I guess there's something different working for everyone.

At the end of the day I think the only universal lesson is to let go of people and things that break your spirit. Once broken, you can repair it. But it takes time. It takes sometimes longer than the situation that broke it in first place. I don't know. Not all wishes that come true materialise the way we wanted. So do we need to make more mathematically argumented wishes, or is life simply a long row of check-ins in recovery?

Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry. - Anonymous

The Hue Blues

"Well one thing about this crunchy chicken wrap was, that it came in a neat printed thin cardboard wrap"  - foodie for life!

This Shadow of a four legged one that I saw around 2:30 am, through my window last night, as I peeked to witness something moving, Took my cam in the night sky, and with a flash on, shot this one, stalking by something, having a stroll on the tree. It was a matter of seconds, I would have missed on this one! Never seen a cat on tree  I am sure , she was hunting on to thee nest that laid there, trying to chicken in those poor baby birdies.

Despite exists, these empty spaces, hollow heart, too much you have eaten meanwhile, time to fart, irrespective of the most pleasing cuisines, despite of the odds.
So far is so near, so near is so far. It's just a matter of perspective at an excellence par. Reaching out to the world and letting them reach you is not much of a task its just that one could perceive intentionally being judgemental to thee so called mask. Let off go thee. There is nothing to be. Its just a pure thought of being the real you and me.

"Ask the Chicken' I am sure it would agree!" Why should Cat have all the fun?

Ever tried, short listing things up' that you would consider most important, accumulate all that that was necessary, cherish - that was important, needed. List seems to be never ending. I wish, could take whole world with me, on a second thought though' Well that's the art of living. Doing away with, and considering it not necessary. minimalist me trapped in a materialistic habitat.

"Ever tried letting the Art within you live Life?"

I have been sleeping in front of this spoilt ac, turning it on, waiting for that fortunate chill breeze, that gushes out for minutes, comforting me psychologically with a belief that, something magical shall happen and it would put me to sleep, no matter how pitiful this blast furnace be, I shall manage with what and how of thee patiently. the hot air balloon overhead, thee ceiling is traumatized by heated gushed ounces of air. I still manage to find ways of avoiding nuances, still being imprisoned to thy natural(weather) traits. This has been the tantrum for a while, and one day finally this water cooler that gave me my first undisturbed, peaceful sleep this season, ending this summer storm on this day of month of May. Not much of anything expected from thee, I cuddled to a sound plea, thy gave me a reason to let all the nuances flee.
"There you go!"

Dressed n tucked up in black and white in sizes tall and short, in shapes oval, rectangular, zero size figurines, that you pause and stare, others you pass by, some look promising, some lost, single eyed to a spectacled and glared mixed lot. friends, family and fellow ones, on a run, few matter, rest scatter, fingers crossed to thy whispered nuances, situations extreme to calm pretences.

Court room, corridors, canteen and loo, stuck on the glued furniture on Wednesday blues. Tailor made, taught and sought exercising on your vocal cords parallel to thee fingers crossed, i sit anguished, perturbed and nostalgically bowled out to the half learned that already flew. stable though to a wilful mimicry of addressing thee to a forefront few. apprehensively putting along pieces through thee sew. - Anonymous

A Rebellious Saint

We all have our set of problems, and we all have misinterpreted sets of presumed diagnosis for others always handy, as if the other person was taken as a granted fool. It is the case with everyone around, everywhere. "The intellectuals understand it and keep it all piled up underneath there wisdomous approach, knowing when to speak and what to, whom to and exactly when to"

“You & me happened to be strangers beyond eternity.”

We all have been often judged wrongly or righteously through & through by the actions we do, or the things that happen in and around in our lives & how we react to our surroundings and so on. It goes on and on. Human being - a piece of flesh that exists & appears so different individually, yet with a soul so indifferent that we all share in common. Pious  or evil - there exists no saint or devil in anyone of us completely & If it did, by no chance was it visible to the naked eye. If at all a self realization or a revelation to a greater extent could be sought - not at all by means of mere transactions that could be sold or bought one could. 

We followed a set of principles that we could possibly understood in bits & pieces & related to - being rational or irrational in approach - often ending up following the negates or considering the good, there would always be this bitching & backbiting, backstabbing, false pretense, mistrust, misunderstanding to the core person to person per say. We vaguely & falsely pressurized or were being pressurized by opinions & proposals so dominant, that we would forget that every individual was different and had ones own capability to address everything.

It’s been a long time, since I've had known people & still in the process of trying to know them more and there would be the ones who might have figured nothing, most or all of me by now & vice versa. I guess we are evidently no strangers to each others perspectives and illusions, lifestyle and habitual traits. There are ones who are close or near & the ones who are far. You have your choicest of friends & enemies, The few who you could keep distance from & the ones you couldn't keep yourself far from. 

We often mistakenly perceive all our lives, until we are made to dwell deeper (in our lives or others.) Everyone else only knew, as much one was told. We are all blindfolded, agreeing to what we were told, completely unaware of the real picture. At the end, if you thought you knew every bit of it, think again.

They say ‘people change’ for good or worse - but very few do. The ones prone to there self pity, there self-esteemed ego, there guilt & there disgust are the ones being refrained from changing for a greater good. They only get worse day by day. They have these set of characteristic traits - next to impossible, that you just couldn't take out of them. While it was so easy for others to change & adapt to a circumstantial habitat  for good. that engrosses you and you try to find peace, and let go off all that possibly bothers you and you settle down on to the things that comfort you and keep you busy in a healthy way and enlightens you.

"Taken for guaranteed are we all, are we not?, and we still manage to manage”.

When at times, its hard to trust one’s own self, It gets harder trusting anyone or anything else, and keeping up with ill odds, talks or deeds, coming from these people that surround you if often gets unsettling. No matter how much of it goes intended or unintended, attentively or inattentive, remembered or forgotten - there would be piles of trash that would be thrown at you. They say bygone is bygone, but few things always haunt and surround you once in a while.

I am aware or might be aware of the almost’s that surround me, of the things that happens in and around likewise & I am certain about walls having ears and eyes. Whatever be the circumstances, I don't give anyone right to interfere or wrongly prompt or point there fingers on to me or my life regardless of anything until I willingly seek there suggestion or help. There would be more of the negates then positives that would make me so sick. 

Everything that happens in and around might just be an outcome of ones own karma, and one couldn’t mend or tame destiny. There was absolutely no denying to that but I always believed & could not agree more when I say, we all get choices to deal with situations that we witness, and being wise or cunning in order to deal with them would not make one more or less of a saint.  

I myself have been quite a talk of the town. I was raised by a single parent after my father expired & the world pounced on me like an eagle as if I was its prey after my mother expired. I have come a long way - its going to be years and few months passé. It used to matter in the starting, but now I am trying to overcome the fear of these tantrums(that set there eyes and ears on my peculiar traits of existence) which had been seldom growing in quantity as I grow. They hardly matter to me now and I make it a point often to overlook and forget about them. I have become a saint or learning to be one. 

This saint sometimes feels pretty perturbed, not with the bad things that happen, but knowing the fact, that of all the people you least expect, have been making up - a pretty much intrigued biography of your personal life and propagating it around. ‘I am a saint’ so I would not go about doing anything that was insane, but eventually if I turned out all the more rebellious, I could possibly teach them a  lesson eventually. I am learning to throw all that was inside me like they do. Last but not the least, I hope it wont be late enough to let know every single person, I ever met what I was capable of doing things which they presumed I couldn't. The saint wants to live & abide by everything that he feels is necessary & worthy for his own existence."

A saint sees light' foresees future, sits with folded hands or with his fingers crossed in discreet postures, while he sleeps, dreams, whispers, talks, meditates, prays or chants - trying to find immeasurable solace in peace, in his minimalist approach to a materialistic world, accepting what comes to him, adapting & adjusting to thy. By no means you can take him for guaranteed and harness his soft spot and engage him in a quarrelsome fight by actions or words (wrongly perceiving & wrongful doing). Don’t dare him, you never know, when he would get rebellious and strike back. It shall by no means make you any less of a coward. - Anonymous

Games Kids Play

Audrey Hepburn, Marlyin Manoroe & RajniKant had a hard face to face. Had to tell you, Had to post it, Had to. This was the best of Kanchakein ever on the last day of NavRatri & RamNvami Day), that I had till date. Though less of a spirituality ritualistic approach to the whole modern scenario take on the festivity, but one overwhelming playful one, interestingly that lasted for approx. 3 hours or so. After the Ice Cream distribution and handing the kids with money, while they scooped up the spoon to the delicious cold one in this summery weather. Backdrop had Durga Saptashati & Ashtakam and others playing. Counting the heads of the ones who were present, and handing them with the already kept disposable container of this Kaju Draksh Ice Cream in the refrigerator prior. to my surprise, there was a lot of fun that went in here this day. The Kids played parsing the parcel with the cushions(Hepburn, Monroe & Rajnikant covers) that were couched, and they sang, they told jokes, stories, danced, and so on. There was a camera recording by one of the kids - an eye witness to there acts of the day. There suddenly I realized, that my refrigerator had no stored and kept water, I had all 12 bottles filled. Water bottles parcelled from one head to other, quenching there thirst. One of the smallest one(girl) brought a bottle of orange cold drink, & she stood there with it, saying to her self, "Oh my hand broke" - this just won't open! ,maybe trying to get acknowledged of her state and get help. I said, let me open it for you, and she was happy, and gulped down her favourite flavour. While others decided they shall start hiding and play hide and seek, in the nook and corners of all the rooms of my house, even the washroom. Forget my privacy, I was not thinking about myself at all, all this while, all I was in content with was, that these kids were having the best of there times. The kids from here and there, neighbour and so on, bashed each other with cushions, and when complained to me, that it was being done, I remarked, bash them harder, and they giggled, and continued there playful acts of childhood. Later everywhere I went in between after finishing my on going mantras and chants for a while, leaving the kids on there own to enjoy, I saw someone or the other hiding, with finger on there lips, asking me to stay mum, and not tell anyone that this one was hiding here and there. Later More bottles of water were asked for, and my refrigerator kept opening more then the usual. Even the kids by now knew where the bottles were, so they would themselves peek up, opening the fridge and take and keep back themselves the water supply. The little girl, who I helped to open the orange bottle, came asking me to keep in it the fridge so it became more cold, and happily went back to her kindergarten world of playfulness with folks who were of all ages, sizes and colours. Well I did not wanted to disturb them so I kept myself busy cleaning utensils, and sorting some stuff meanwhile all this underwent a jump, run, slide, noises-louder and whispers-low. I could have clicked it all, and captured those reserved shyness & facelift glows, those posed brows, and selfie rows. But then, missed it, I was just going along with the flow. There is always a next time.

I heard one kid saying, the floor seems to be dusty, look at your feet's, they are all in shades of grey. Well & I did noticed one patch of my feet engrossed, fossil'ed on to the floor, which I had tried to clean in a jiffy last night, and stumped on while I did that. Well yes, I had done this hawan last night' known as Sandhi Pooja (its done in the conjunction of Ashtami & Navami" So it was between 11;30 to 12;30, that I was making it happen. Besides, almost everyday or once a week doing this hawan, and other incense sticks and lighted diyas, makes it a little dusky, grey and black, & Its little difficult to clean every time. But yes I have decided to clean sweep the floor soon. I had been busy with other things, so I had been a little reluctant performing the tasks that are not necessary ,focusing on the necessary ones, trying the minimalistic approach. I heard someone commenting, there might be ghosts coming at night in here, followed by few ghost story tellers who shared there views. I am not sure, if it was my footprint, since by the time I tried to check it out, I could not see any later. Well I thought I could measure mine with the one that was imprinted, but it had already faded away in the dusky glorified playful ritual acts of child play folklore. You would, if you could know or never, who it was? Was it me, or? Was it the Goddess herself who might have just come over. Well often seldom stuff that I have heard & perceived in shadowed illusions, could actually be a progress in imagination or process in real.

Meanwhile, the games continued, I was even asked to join them. There was a demand for more ice-cream, and demand to turn on the TV too, while few sat on the floor, others, laid on the couch, others stood here and there. Well this playfulness came to my house after ages. I was happy, and I knew it, It was God's divine grace that had witnessed its blessing on me in this way. In-between the righteousness and wrongful doing and mislead, misunderstood, misguided, heartfelt & blessed, it all went better then planned. Bless thee Lord, Goddess in all glory and forgive me.

What was delightful the next afternoon was so priceless- I was waived by the yesterday mates. Some I saw, some I didn't. The kid who had been staying next to my house, who I always saw playing cricket, repairing cycle, with his other two brothers(one big and one smaller), often. He would get ready for school, do a bit of gardening, clean utensils, sweep the floor & do all those chores, that would made his day. it was once sometime back, that he asked me for the ball that had jumped its way to my balcony, and we had never interacted before or after that ever. In fact other of his siblings, or parents and others, never did. Never initiated a talk, & I stayed put too, though could not blindfold myself observing the chores next door. He was the new entry to this circle of friends who joined this festivity too for the first time. While I watered my plants, I saw him washing something, and he noticed me too, & he paused for a while with that big smile(I could see his teeth) thrilled me to the core. It felt as, The kid in me could melt down to thousands of tears of joy, & run down and hug a new friend neighbour he made all out of the blue. It had been a while, all of us glued on to the nuances of life's hectic schedule, and not often do we see a smile on someone's face looking straight into your face, and admitting and appreciating, that connection, that spark(soul connect). Some vibes are positive and they connect to the core so heartfelt, that you don't actually need a conversation to understand nothingness. He carried with his bath, and I carried with my gardening skills, pretending to be a well versed gardener, in the screeching heat, as if had nothing else to do. I came back in myself after noticing that he wore his clothes, collected his clothes, and went inside. I am sure there is going to be more of such positive vibes and smiles, that could rejoice the cheerful mate in me, and thee would follow the lead to the soul connect, once it is pampered so well, understands, shall return the favour in return. I took that mug of water and threw little water up in the sky, keeping my face down, so it fell on me, rejoicing to this mini rainfall. Landed on to thy emoted happiness, at 40' you can surely be of 14. As they say, age does not matter, you can be who ever you want to be and whatever welcoming likewise. You fall in love with yourself and others all the time, its like a little of it comes to you, the more of it goes from you in reciprocation, as it grows and multiplies, take turns, reaches a high' until it settles down to the faded excitement, killed overrated curiosity of thee heart, in the process, until you try to find ways to keep it alive as long you could.

Some days passed, and that little girl(the smallest one of all, that I helped open her orange drink bottle), says hellow bhaiya, standing on top of the 3 story flat, and waiving at me, as I waived back at her with a smile. Some moments are so heartfelt as and when they happen that they leave you with all the love, and nothing but love, that's priceless.

HaHaHa This fool in me so fucking gets carried away every time! & it can't even keep it to himself, "I wonder why he has a bigmouth" blah!- Anonymous