FITTING-IN

For the whole of my life, I've lived with my mum, dad, sister and my grandparents. My mum had a car crash at 18 and so my rich grandparents built a house on the end of theirs for us to live in. My grandmother has always hated my Dad, always at each others throat, it made everyone's life difficult until he died in November. she was always very mothering to me and my sister but recently me and my sister have taken the place of her hatred for my dad. I watch my mum sitting there watching TV everyday, doing nothing with her life and I feel so hopeless. I argue with her constantly because she gives away my dad's things as birthday presents to people when they come round or for Xmas. 

“Omigosh—I'm a squash!” - Dave Horowitz

I've felt detached from my friends for months now, I've lost motivation to go out, I've always smoked but now it makes me feel ill when I don't have one, same as when i do. When the phone rings I feel like I don't even want to pick it up anymore because it just another blah blah blah conversation about petty things in life.

The sun is shining outside but I'm inside, everyone's hanging out in town but it seems pointless to go there. I used to be able to sit in my room for hours and feel ok, but now I feel so bored and depressed the whole time, even when I go out it is not as fun as it used to be. my sister is never home now she has a car and she is the only one i have now really. My sister and one of my friends is the only one who understands. I tried to talk to 3 of my friends about some of the issue going on like the shooter incident, dead birds and fishes but they just skip over that like I never said it. They start talking about really petty things like oh some person said this to me or whatever.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” - Bernard M. Baruch

On the school front things aren't going well either, I used to get good grades but now I am in 11th grade and I'm failing because I missed out year 10 after falling into hospital with a kidney disease. before year 10, everything was normal, I was happy (to a certain extent) but now I live in a broken home, broken family, distant friends, a dull future. I go to an all boys school so I don't have many close girl friends who I can talk to about this and this is not the kinda thing you talk to boy friends about. 

I've seen a counselor before but they just sit there & want you to just repeat everything you've said before which is stupid and I cant go on depression pills because the bad side effects would ruin my upcoming exams! 

“Me, I trust people who show you what freaks they are. It's the ones who blend in that ya gotta watch out for.” - Hope Larson

I feel like I don't fit in. I believe many people do feel this way. I get so disillusioned. Where do you go when you feel like an alien in a very very strange world? I just don't know what to do, is there any escape?

People judge me all the time but I know they are unenlightened. I keep on trying to get my ideas out there regardless. I feel like most people would rather see someone suffer than equal out the imbalances in our society. I am just afraid that my fear of rejection from people leads to my apprehensiveness to be close to people and trust them and I might lose out on some great people.

“There are people who are generic. They make generic responses and they expect generic answers. They live inside a box and they think people who don't fit into their box are weird. But I'll tell you what, generic people are the weird people. They are like genetically-manipulated plants growing inside a laboratory, like indistinguishable faces, like droids. Like ignorance.” - C. JoyBell C.

Where is the cooperative, sustainable society that I was looking for? Am I ahead of my time? I see know that I am not an alien but like I said I feel like one. There is only a little common sense in the world.- Anonymous (Male)

Seeds of HOPE

Two weeks ago my boyfriend moved away and I didn't want to go with him because he said I needed to get a job, and I can't work because I'm too afraid of being around people. I feel like it's getting worse. When I go outside I get sweaty and I become confused about where I am, and I thought my boyfriend understood that.

I loved him the first year I met him, but the other two years I only stayed with him because I was so used to him. I'm a dependent person, and I know it's wrong to be that way but I can't help it. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost inside myself, and I tried to get help but I don't want to take those stupid drugs. I don't want to be transformed into a robot.

I have so much faith in God, but I guess not enough. I talk to him almost every night before I go to bed, and I start to cry because I don't want to be on earth any more. I want to go to heaven and be in peace. This may sound crazy but it's how I feel and no one understands me. I just want to be loved for who I am. - Anonymous (Male)

I felt SO LOST

My friend got married recently. Can't say, how is it going but their espionage-skills are mushrooming. 

Married couples fight more because after the wedding, the dating masks come off. She stops prepping to look fantastic every time she thinks she’s going to see him, he stops trying to do things that she likes to do (that he hates). The fun, exciting sex fades into routine and the household chore division starts to feel like a tug of war. She thinks, “He’s not doing his part” and he thinks, “she nags me all the time”. They battle over money, because they often don’t come from the same place when it comes to how they feel about money, bills and saving - This is pretty normal. Successful couples know how to make this transition work for them. They use compromise and consideration for each other to build a comfortable routine that doesn’t leave them bored and frustrated. They work out a deal on who will manage the money and come to some kind of agreement on how the budget is going to play out - Some couples just fall into misery or annoyance and stay there, but don’t want to go through the drama of divorce and starting over.

I left my husband 3 years ago and when I left him I was 8 months pregnant. I left him b/c he did not want to work and he was doing drugs. Right after I left him he meets a girl. He also moved out his mom house and moved in with friends. His friends are always partying and drinking. 

Since these 3 years have went by so many things have happened. We have always been seeing each other and we still had sex with each other, but he has never ever been there for my daughter. My daughter does not even know her own father. So during these 3 years whenever he needed something I was there for him. I would drop all my plans just to spend time with him. The whole time he kept me a secret. He would see me whenever he needed something or just wanted to see me. He did not look for me for a good 9 months or so. Finally when he started to look for me was when I got my own house back in August 2010. When we finally saw each other again in September 2010. Once again was just for sex b/c right after he got lost again and did not see me till one month and a half later. Then once we saw each other again I told him that I still loved him and I wanted to be with him, he told me the same. He made me believe that I was the only person he was sleeping with. So I finally we said we were going to try to work things out. So he was still staying at his friends house. He would only look for me every like other week. But I always wanted to believe that I was his only one. 

Finally on November 2010 he gets put in jail. I did not know till one month later. Once I see him in jail he tells me that he loves me and that when we got out he wanted to be a family. And also that he wanted to marry me again b/c he wanted to start our life over. So I was like okay and I asked him time and time again if he was talking to any girl, or if anyone had wrote to him and he promised that no one has wrote to him or anything. So I believed him once again. I been their ever since, I visit him, I send him money; I try to help him and whatever I can. 

Recently I looked at his myspace and found comments that said… I miss you, I love you etc. then I look at his best friends myspace and I read a comment from a girl asking if he found my husband address. This girl was the girl he met while I was pregnant and he always promised me he had nothing to do with her. Not only that I find out that she has wrote to him. Then I look at her pictures on myspace and I see of pictures of her on my husband bed? And also found out this girl is pregnant. So when my husband called me I told him everything I found out. He was just left out of words. He did not know what to say or anything. 

He says he loves me. And he still says he had nothing to do with this girl. But why if she is pregnant and he so say she (has a bf) why would she be looking for him? I never knew at that point of time if I should have given him a chance or finally move on with my life?

But yes I did what I felt I should have. - Anonymous

On a LEAVE of Absence

I'm going to try to not make this extremely long. But I just feel so lost lately and i imagine I'm not the only one in this type of situation but I just don't know how to stop feeling so bad.

I'm 26, almost 27. i graduated from a good college with honors in 2010 (BA in history). (majored in education for a little bit though). But I had no idea what I wanted to do - figured out I didn't want to be a teacher. when I graduated, that's when the economy started to worsen and it was hard to find a job. so I took an office job where i worked as a student at my college. the pay is fine for a first job. but it's not a career. I quickly got bored and looked for a way out. I applied and got into a MS program at another college for a degree in school counseling. I tried that out last semester (2011) and realized. no way, counseling not for me. I'm way too emotional and I don't want to work with students who have problems and i don't want to think about my own problems more then I need to and I don't want to go home thinking about depressed students, etc. I also think i really rushed into applying because I just was desperate.

so right now I am on a "leave of absence" from that grad program - I probably won't go back though. I am back to my job of working full time, and i like the job more than I used to, but still it's not a career. i did talk to someone about how i am interested in more responsibility, moving up, etc. but it's not a job with passion.

so, i don't know where to go from here. i feel like i am empty because i don't have something i am working toward or know what i want or anything. i mean at this point i know that i am very passionate about learning about history, i love reading fiction and historical fiction, and non fiction books. i do not like to write.

my boyfriend is following his dream in the film industry and he is finally getting somewhere - going to work on a show with a lot of interesting travel and he writes every day, it drives him. i don't have that and watching him have that makes me feel even more empty.

I have ideas of what to do but i feel frozen and scared to act. Taking non-credit classes to find out my interests or applying for other graduate programs. I could try to apply for jobs (open to all other ideas) I could just sit tight working here and try to move up where I am.

All of these are decent options i think, but even though i have them in my head i don't know how to stop feeling so bad.

I keep telling myself I'm so young i don't have to figure my life out now - but I want to. it's hard to live so vaguely. (side note, i do appreciate that i have had a job since I graduated and have been earning money steadily - i know others have not been so lucky.) - Anonymous

EXPERIMENTING'Sexual Curiosity

Yesterday someone questioned me whether I was straight, gay, bi? and I said straight because I'm out with this girl who I truly loved. So he made me check-out few pictures of naked girls and guys. I liked guys more. But this morning I realized I liked the girls even more & I think the guys are sick. I always thought I was pretty much straight & I hoped that was true. So can someone tell me what the hell is going on?

Well I was obviously confused. I don't think that human sexuality can easily be categorized into neat labels. Basically ‘you like what you like’.Just because you've been aroused by naked men doesn't mean that you're gay or bicurious. I suspect that this is fairly common among heterosexual males. Another thing is that you're young and probably beginning to become more aware of your sexuality. Try not to worry about labeling yourself with anything with regards to your sexual preference, likes or dislikes. You're unique just like anyone else. 

“Gay,bi,ugly,fine,rich,poor,skinny,fat,tall,short,orange,black,white,purple - a friend is a friend - if you don't judge.”

That's his opinion but just be straight & you won't get made fun of. Why does it only have to be straight/gay/bi? If you haven't had sex yet, you're a virgin. What's wrong with that option? Nothing. Heck it's the perfect answer for any age. Is it possible that you just admired those naked men? There's nothing wrong with that. Your eyes are blessed with sight and there's nothing wrong with noticing beauty. It could have been just the nakedness that aroused you & got you all excited, irrespective of the sexual identity. There's nothing wrong with a naked body. What's wrong are the impure thoughts people judge you by.

The person who asked you to look at porn was probably confused himself or was just trying to excite & lure you or judge you & there was a possibility that he himself was looking at you as a piece of flesh with intentions of having sex. Run sweetheart - That's not a friend, its a hormonal quencher in disguise, trying to hunt its prey.

If you want, you could easily hunt down porn & witness how many of lives it was ruining. No matter whatever your age is - I say don't worry about your sexuality. Every other person might just be going through the same process, just don't let it get to you. Nobody is going to care if you are gay or straight & if at all at a point some people might do, those either would be concerned for your welfare or a bunch of idiots who needed to get a grip on there own life. The only thing you should be worrying about is your life. You have a girlfriend, & you truly love her. I had a girlfriend once & I loved her too. When it comes down to it, you’ll probably know. Your true friends and family won't care what was your orientation. You have years before you even have to worry about having a sexual relationship & its true; if you don't know, we don't either. You are probably just curious, so don't worry. Your body is going through some heavy changes - puberty & everything else. It is releasing all sorts of hormones & things. You are free to chose having a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

We all do it, I did it, my friends did it, it is very normal. You will find girls & boys attractive & its normal exploring out with them. We all experiment. We all do it, We seldom look at the guys in the locker room or online to see what the other guy has, it's curiosity. Some guys even get into sex with each other, it's experimenting. Sometimes called a circle jerk, guys will sit around and whip it out to see who was bigger who came first and how much. Even girls do it. Just relax and enjoy life - don't sweat it. maybe you will experiment? maybe not, but at the end you’ll know what you like & what you want. Most of the times as we grow older our hormones steady themselves & realize that we want women, sometimes we will decide we want to be with guys. And sometimes we just wont make up our mind and sleep with either sex. 

Being bi-curious could have it's benefits. It increases your chance of a date on Saturday night. You are young, please don't be bothered about how you felt, it's normal. It's OK you are growing up and discovering your sexuality. You are normal, you maybe confused but I can guarantee 99% of people your age are feeling the same.

People get aroused in many different ways and to be honest I get turned on by girl on girl & I have tried it and liked it & I know that I would only date a bloke ever. maybe the blokes turned you on for the fact that it was all to do with sex. At some point, a lot get turned on by anything so do not worry. Look around you - the boys that you would like to take on a date and when you answer that - you might have already answered your question. good luck.

I have a lot of gay friends. They say they always knew they were straight. If you are worrying about what you are, odds are you are straight. You don't have to be anything to appreciate a man's or a woman's body. You're full of hormones. Either way, you will be fine.

Don't make others define you. Life is a journey and you're in stages of discovering. So don't freak out, just because you are sexually attracted to a guy doesn't mean that it has to do with your orientation, it just means that something in your brain is triggered that makes you sexually excited.

Screw what people say or think, just do what makes you happy. Don't worry being anything that you might be - a label isn't needed to fit into society. You'll find out as time goes by. - Anonymous

COMPLEX LOOKS

We're so entrenched, we can't accept bodies that don't fall on either extreme of the gender continuum. Many folks have a body part that isn’t counted among their favorites.

Encountering these attitudes in direct and sometimes life-threatening ways - perhaps because of my struggling to accept my body & imagining what it would be like to grow up as a boy with breasts. 

You shouldn’t think that I am obese. I have a perfectly regular BMI with a 34-inch waist and 16-inch bicep and a 44-inch chest.

I had been a fat kid since the age of nine, but as puberty began to kick in, parts of me started growing differently than expected. I have man boobs and would like to get rid of them. I am of average weight, but I just have this fat that gives me man boobs and I've been depressed about it. "Man boobs" or "moobs" in the jeering parlance of our popular culture - a social stigma. A medically harmless (though socially lethal) condition - with the prevalence of such male boobs estimating in differences probably resulting from variations in what is perceived to be normal.

This was the time, I had realized that it was an aspect of my body that will plague practically every activity I do. It would destroy me; growing up in this current generation would be an absolute nightmare; it's a social minefield of opinions and rumors that can absolutely break a person.

As direct as this bullying was, growing up with these & by other, smaller insults, too. My friends at school would pass me in the corridor and catcall and would laugh. Some might even actually grab one of my breasts and squeeze it in front of the other kids. Not everyone laughed. But many did. Most would just say, "Why don't you wear a bra?" When my bully grabbed my breasts, he was taking what he wanted. He was also reminding me that I was no better than a girl. I was beneath him. Even adults could be cruel. "Are you a boy or a girl?" I was often asked & if not asked would be silently laughed upon. Could a decade of bullying end? 

By my teenage years, I had developed powers of verbal self-defence. I absorbed cruelty and learned how to mete it back out in sharp doses. There's no doubt that this shaped the person I became, for better and for worse. At school, I managed to carve out a social niche for myself. The bullying stopped. But the shirts stayed loose fitting. I rarely went swimming. I continued to wear baggy shirts and the idea of being topless in front of a anyone or acting on that newfound attention seemed remote. 

When wearing shirts, it was crucial that they be loose fitting. If a T-shirt had shrunk in the dryer, I would spend hours stretching it out, so it didn't cling to my body. You can see fat boys do this every day. Pulling at their shirts to hide the shape of their bodies, and particularly their breasts. 

As a fat kid, and one who hated competition, I learned to loathe sports and, especially, physical education. The one form of exercise I enjoyed was swimming. Unfortunately, as my breasts grew, so did my shame about removing my shirt. I knew that taking it off would bring ridicule. So I pretended that I was above swimming – that I was too cool for the pool. A big part of annoyance was our trips that schools took us on as an incentive to do well. Well, everyone except from me because they usually consisted of a water park which means no top which means embarrassment. I too wanted to go to party's and get drunk. I wanted to meet new people & as much as I like everyone else wanted to loose my virginity, if at all I was not insisted upon taking my shirt off. That would be a relief, because under my shirt was a sports bra, and under that layers of gauze. My chest was still hiding wanting to get healed. In many senses of the word, I was still trying to becoming a man. 

Being a testosterone-fueled guy who parties and speaks to girls it's quite obvious that i should at least have the option to get intimate with someone in the future yet that's an absolute no from me, what am i meant to say? 'Oh hi yeah maybe i do have a bigger cup size than you just forget about it'? No i'd rather save myself from the gossip and awkward encounters.

I realized that, as a boy/man, it is my privilege to flaunt my bare chest, but that wont happen in my case. Perhaps my breasts, would invite a kind of censure or I would sink deeper into physical, mental & emotional complexities.

The thing that worries me most is that I have a whole load of psychological and intimacy issues which i feel I can link strongly to my "deformity". My engaging in physical or sexual activities are very less or seem to deteriorate as I find it hard to bond with people physically. I can't wear the clothes I'd like to wear. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.Call me shallow if you will, but that's how I feel. There's no way I could have it surgically fixed, despite the clear psychological distress it's causing me. It was like being ashamed of something that is not in your control. There is no need of treatment if you are not at threat.

I was twenty four & was concerned, about how I looked, when compared to other people I knew,I had an issue. I felt like I was some other planet. I was not handsome and tall like the other guys. I was a short heighten, cute, fair guy with extra flesh on my upper body & almost a little around here & there. But I guess, the time flew from school to college and through my youth & I was caught up with many things at one time or maybe that was just an excuse because I was lazy & on top of that I never had anyone with whom I could things & this made me a laid-back kinds as I would avoid mixing-up with the world around me. I became self confined. Irrespective of the fact that I could have consulted a doctor or could have exercised, hit the gym, taken pills or injections. Well I guess if you have a problem, you need a solution, but with me, it was like, I didn't knew how to go about doing that. I started loosing interest in myself, struggling to look presentable, since I thought I was different from the rest of the lot. Looks matter & they certainly do. Everyone needed & deserved that acceptance & admiration. I still don't know if I would be able to do something about it.

This has affected my life making me uncomfortable with this guilt of complex that I have upon me that I would be happy & proud of getting off of my chest. Nevertheless "I am what I am, Got a problem with that"?  - Anonymous, Male, 24

Small Package-Big Ego

This past Christmas I had to go to dinner over at my in laws. Lately, my husband's sister and I have been getting close so I told her how I felt about having no regard towards my husband's sister in law who happens to be practically living with my in-laws. That's only because when my husband and I were still dating, she got on my case as to why was I always baking cookies or making cupcakes and bringing them over all the time. First of all, my boyfriend now husband and I, happen to be really great friends who lost contact with each other and when we met again, we got together. You bet I felt we were destined. I was overwhelmed with happiness and joy, I couldn't help but did all those spur of the moment, out-of-love, things. So as I was saying, I was telling my husband's sister about it and the unthinkable happened. During Christmas dinner, where the whole family and friends were over, my in laws were saying grace to the table and they just so innocently prayed that all daughter in laws and son in laws should be blessed to get a long. I was like WTF? This is a Christmas Dinner and they take on the roll like they're all righteous to judge something that they didn't even have the decency to ask??? I'm so mad.

Sorry if a loser like myself is bothering you right now, but if you don't mind I would like some advice. Now, I don't hate myself. I just hate my life and the people that exist in it. I just feel like God just tries his best to screw up my life. I remember a time when each morning as I woke up I'd think to myself:"Oh no! Not yet another day!"I'd prefer to fall back to sleep again and never wake up.Back.

Help! I hate my life. I can't get anything going right.- No - Anonymous , Female (Age: 26-30), Africa

Positive'QUITTING

I'm a big believer in quitting. I think it's a good thing. You should do more of it. Yes, I did say quitting and yes I did say you should do more of it!

Sound odd? I'm not surprised. Maybe it's that neat-o 'survival instinct' of yours kicking in. Or maybe after years and years of hearing the old saw 'A winner never quits and a quitter never wins' you came to believe it. After all, since we were very young, 'quitting' has been defined as something negative. Real life, however, shows us that quitting is very often a positive force in our lives.

Employ the power of positive quitting. Most of us view quitting as something negative, but it’s not. ‘Winners never quit,’ we’re told, when, in reality, winners quit all the time: choosing to stop doing things that aren’t creating the results they desire. When you quit all the things that aren’t working for you, when you quit tolerating all the negative things that hold you back, you’ll create a positive ‘charge’ in your life as well as create the space in your life for more positive experiences.

I like thinking of possibilities. At any time, an entirely new possibility is liable to come along and spin you off in an entirely new direction. The trick, I've learned, is to be awake to the moment.

Persons and societies do not submit passively to surroundings and events. They make choices as to the places where they live and the activities in which they engage -- choices based on what they want to be, to do and to become. Furthermore, persons and societies often change their goals and ways; they can even retrace their steps and start in a new direction if they believe they are on a wrong course. Thus, whereas animal life is prisoner of biological evolution which is essentially irreversible, human life has the wonderful freedom of social evolution which is rapidly reversible and creative. Wherever human beings are concerned, trend is not destiny.

If you can quit few things, you'll be creating positive action in your life. But you have to quit first. It's a simple idea most of us overlook: To really be a winner, you have to be able to stop doing stuff that's not good for you!

A story I wanted to share...

A man sat at a metro station and started to play the violin - it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32.

When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written. Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theatre in Boston and the seats averaged $100. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people.

The outlines were- "in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour"

Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing? Remember to listen, Remember to smell, Remember to see, Remember to feel, Remember to stop, Time goes so quickly.

May the days ahead bring magical moments, And may we be conscious enough to recognize them. So quit waiting and take action. - Anonymous,29, Female, Washington D.C

BLAME-Game

"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." When it comes time to accept the blame don't try to shift the blame over to someone else(" don't pass the buck to someone else)." - Matthew 7:5

I remember myself experiencing a lot of resentment because I had not been the one to create the problem. It was not my fault this was happening. It is no one's fault. However, the inadequacies, anxieties and false beliefs had created many of my problems. Problems being of course my own and others as well. Finally a light bulb went off in my head. If I stopped blaming for everything, then I did not have to stay helpless for the rest of my life. I then and there realized, It doesn't matter how much of a mess someone else has created; you can clean up the mess in your world so you feel good. Emotional health is worth the effort. I was finally at ease. There were those simple things, and the worse ones too (bigger lot). From stupid excuses, explanations to a high potency ones. I could feel it happening around me and with me/against me occurring insidiously sometimes even without words when you sense depression or anxiety. Feeling resentments and regrets assuming you are the cause or vice-versa. This thing has always happened with me and the other person I was addressed by, while being completely strangers or closely known. It happens all the time. The people who are your's would listen to you calmly, and never fight, on the contrary will talk about it in the best possible way to sort it all out.
I am trying to quit getting blamed and blaming other's and have been moderately successful at weaning it down to some extent myself. However, without much forethought, I still find myself picking it up at times when I am tired or feeling sorry for myself. The blame game is addictive.

Try to view your problems as situations that you can explain, rather than complain and blame. I am not asking you to stop blaming people but i am just asking you to find the real things that should be blamed and then deal with them.

"It's like one is saying and other is listening, or both would be fighting." 

Long ago I had big self understanding issues nowadays it takes me less than ten minutes to know at least eight personality traits of a person I just met. The first impression someone forms of me may be something like, “he is a nice guy” or “I like his shirt” while my first impression about him is usually a deep understanding of his personality, to the extent that I might discover things about him that his close friends doesn't know.

For example if you understood where self confidence comes from you will know what lack of confidence feels like and you will be able to understand shyness even more. Fewer bad moods, I am not saying that self understanding will solve your problems but it will help you feel better instead of feeling that you are fighting an enemy that you don’t know. One needs to have a solid self understanding.

Remember in school when you would be sitting in class and the teacher would be giving the lesson, when you and a friend would be talking with each other and the teacher stops and looks at the both of you and scolds you both? Most of the time your friend pointed his finger at you and would say, "He kept talking to me!" Wow! What a way to shift the blame so he wouldn't look bad.

I was at a function one time and there were a couple of men. One was in line behind me (we were in line for a buffet) and he was pointing his finger at another gentleman that was taking more than his share. He said, "Because of him there won't be anything left of the apple crisp!" I reminded him that he too had taken more than his share of cake at a function, and as a result a little girl couldn't get to have any cake.

I remember my friend's son who ate a whole one pound bag of M&Ms. I believe they were the holiday kind. Anyway, he asks his son if he ate the candy and of course his son totally denied eating any of it. He then blamed it on the cat. Later, he came to his dad complaining of a stomachache and confessed to eating the bag of M&Ms.

Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden is a classic example of pointing the finger at the other person. Genesis 3:9-13 tells us this: "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." Now here in verse 12 you can picture Adam shifting his feet, moving his eyes, and starting to sweat bullets and probably swallowing really hard because he knows he messed up, that he dropped the ball. So what does he do? Let's look at verse 12 again, "the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat." Looks like Adam is trying to shift the blame onto one other besides the woman. Adam says, "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me." It's almost like he's saying, "You know God it's partly your fault because you gave me this woman." I don't think it would fly though. Continuing on to verse 13 we find: "And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." Now it's her turn to point the finger as if to say, "Hey God the creepy little creature tricked me so don't go getting on me." Wow! What an example of shifting the blame.

Psalm 32:3-4 tells us that, "When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah."
We all regularly face the choice to remain stuck or to pursue happier alternatives. This is popularly known as the choice between "being right" and "being happy." I most definitely recommend dropping the should's associated with "being right." for self-righteousness alienates others, is often a shaky unstable prop for one's ego, and leads to unhappiness whenever "wrong" ideas/ people/ actions are in view. If self-righteousness or blame or judgments of any sort persists, being stuck and being unhappy also persist. To summarize, temporary blame is often essential to the permanent release of trauma knots, whereas criticism that persists is clear evidence of being stuck in unhappiness."
"Give up Blaming" Hope it helps you set your spirit free. - Anonymous (Practitioner-Psychologist/Counselor) 40, Goa, India

BAD-Marriage

The “buddy” question - How to be your child’s parent when you are allotted limited time with them is a million-dollar question.

While it is more important to me than ever to have a warm loving relationship - I fully intend to be a parent enjoying every second we get together. The balance between permissive/enabling “buddy” and role model/teaching/loving “parent” will be a constant struggle in the years to come. I intend to be a parent, but the easy route will always be there. Better to be conscious of the issue than to keep eyes closed & walk the easy path.

Am I divorced in my mind or am I long gone… No excuses, I am not moving back. I went for the trial separation for two reasons. (1) Because wife asked that we view this as a trial and not a permanent step, and I will walk a mile barefoot through broken glass to accommodate her if it means easing the pain-to-come for Child; and (2) I have learned through hard experience that not all decisions taken in the heat of emotion are decisions that stand up to scrutiny over time, and as such, the trial separation serves as a cooling off period in which I can test the assumptions and evaluate things with the perspective of distance. However, as time has gone by, I am more certain than ever that the marriage is over. I have scheduled another appointment with my divorce lawyer, this time to move into the formal separation process. Meeting with Lawyer is on Tuesday, next steps to be documented as we craft the end game strategy.

Wife dating on saturday nights… yes that will be a fun one to deal with. Our child will be taken care of in the way it is done now – either me, one of the grandmothers, or the baby sitter. I am not looking forward to having my nose rubbed in this though. What am I going to do when she says goodbye and starts dating for real? No idea other than deal with it as I have had to deal with lots of other unpleasant things in my life & then go out and get drunk.

Its been a busy week and progress is being made. Two major events this week and lots of musing. A visit to the divorce lawyer in the middle of the week. I had a serious conversation with my wife - instigating that we both approached the discussion like rational adults for our future & for the first time in months I felt like we had made it to a point in life where we might just get through.

To summarize the situation, our kid still does not know about the split, I spend every saturday and sunday at home, sleeping over on saturday night (awkward!), and visit for dinner one night per week. The rest of the week I live at the apartment which is couple of towns away and pretend to be on business trips when talking with my kid on the phone. All the fiction is done on the request of my wife, but truth be told - there is value in it to me, which has been proven out this week. I had hoped that by agreeing to live this fiction for a while, my wife may be able to see things for how they really are, which is what finally happened. More on this in a bit.

Visited Divorce Lawyer earlier this week who smells my money like a piranha smells a bleeding cow in the water. His advice – file right away, you lose financially by waiting, time-is-a-wasting, and oh by the way, there is a $10,000 retainer and total fees will be between $25k and $35k unless things get really ugly and then sky is the limit. And an extra for adding wife’s lawyer to the mix...ouch. And to add to the pain, when filing for divorce, lawyer tells me that I have to come up with reasons for the divorce. Given our situation, I will have to file in petition based on “excessive cruelty”, which means I will have to chronicle a half dozen or so examples from our relationship when my wife acted outrageously and then let lawyer insert them into the filings so he can create a narrative arc. Though I have no interest in being married to her for even another minute, I don’t harbor any particular animus towards her and frankly this part of the process turns my stomach - kind of makes me feel scummy to have to chronicle things that should stay in the marriage (or in an anonymous blog) but not go into legal briefs which become part of the public record (Jack Ryan learned the hard way that these filings don’t stay private). But this is the crazy law of our state and I have no choice but to comply.

Wife has been asking to have a conversation with me for a couple of days and finally this afternoon we were able to carve out a half hour when the kiddo was watching t.v and there were no other distractions. The entire conversation was respectful, rational and calm, though many tears were shed and much emotion expressed. She opened by telling me that the current situation was untenable and not sustainable, and she said It was becoming clear to her that I am not showing any signs of coming back or that the marriage can be fixed. She then asked me how I would set things up if it were all up to me. I told her that I agreed, it is unlikely that the marriage could be saved and if it was up to me I would buy a two or three bedroom apartment within one or two miles of home, have a close and loving relationship with my child and a friendly and amicable relationship with ex-wife. After a lot of talk about us, and some trust building around our approach to money and other family assets, we then started talking about lawyers and the costs associated with divorce. We reached a decision that we would look into mediated divorce, a lower cost and lower stress approach to divorce that has been growing in popularity particularly among people who are committed to going through the process in a way that is designed to minimize pain on the children and maximize respect for the needs of each of the adults involved. I have done some reading about this and will look into it in greater depth this week.

Prior to the conversation with wife, I had already set an appointment with a real estate broker to look at apartments to buy (under advice of counsel). After the conversation I went to look at real estate and saw some nice places that would fit in my budget. Called my mother, had a nice dinner with her, talked at length about the situation. And for the first time in months, I see a way to get to the other side of this process.

“What would have been the one thing that could have convinced me to stay?” Summarizing the answer – If my wife had remained more or less the woman I married and not turned into a stranger after our child was born, the marriage would still be alive and well. I loved that woman, wanted to spend my life with her. Everything she represented herself to be turned out to be the opposite of the reality when the chips were on the table and it was time to start living out the rest of our lives. I dislike the stranger and miss my wife. But stranger was given the opportunity many times to change back to wife and it never happened.

On a happier note, Happy Halloween! I had a great weekend with my kid, we went out to costume parties, both of us dressed up, enjoying the weather & each others company. Trick-or-treated together until we almost dropped, then home to inspect the loot. Played some chess earlier today, went for a long walk together this morning ending at our favorite pizza joint. It would have been absolutely bucolic except that every few hours I had to bump into my wife. The good news is that I can see how the future will play out and parts of it look nice already.

Wife and I had another talk about trying to keep things amicable. We are both still committed to making it work but we will see when the time comes to divide the assets. But an encouraging sign today when she emailed me information on an apartment for sale. She seems invested in the process.

I have a date on thursday night. Keep your fingers crossed.

We finally did it. broke the news to our child the sunday morning, making him sit down on the couch next to the favorite stuffed animal.  We had scripted what we were going to say, with her wanting to do most of the talking. There was no finger pointing, expressed anger, talk of falling out of love; rather it was of the “daddy is going to be living in another apartment and we are going to be a different kind of family from now on” type of speech, all of which was refined by input from several specialists in family separation issues. In the past few months, our kid has developed a less than totally charming habit of expressing intense frustration by making a short animal like grunt when confronted with a confounding situation. Wife starts with the telling & tears start streaming down her face and kid rolls face down into a pillow, grunting louder and louder, almost screaming but with an intense animal like sound, legs kicking wildly with wife as the target, clearly an effort to make the words start coming. I see the image in my mind several times a day and my stomach drops each time the memory kicks.

Finally the telling stops, no questions from child, many assertions of love are made to child by both parents, and then wife asks the kid about playing with some toys. I volunteer to play trains, and kid jumps off the couch, heads to the train tracks where we then spend a very busy hour disassembling and reassembling a complex set of tracks. Spend the rest of the day doing typical father-child activities, some bike riding, etc. Towards the end of the day, I tell Child I will be leaving soon, before dinner, and child asks where I am going. My response was to ask whether kid remembered the conversation earlier that day, and after the affirmative response, I tell the kid that I am going to my apartment and will be back in the morning to have breakfast. I would visit again on wednesday night for dinner and will back on saturday. The repeat visits certainly would help me and I think are good for the kid.

The second worst day of my life, only bested by the day my father died from an aggressive cancer at the ripe old age of fifty-four, and a day that I am sure that will live in our child's memory in fine detail for decades to come.

Now for the interesting part. Child starts processing the new horrible information and starts making connections. Asks Wife “Do you think daddy was traveling so much lately to get us used to this?” Wow. On Monday child decides to write a book, dictated in a very precise manner to Wife and illustrated by Child called “The Daddy Separated Family Book by __” which consisted of a dozen pages of heartbreak and ending with several illustrated pages showing my apartment building next to the house with people representing each family person in the appropriate places. Wife told me that the making of this book, a time consuming project, was cathartic to child and has allowed for the opening of a floodgate of questions. Child has asked and I have promised to give a tour of my apartment on saturday. Child asked whether we can still ride the train to work together and have office visits like we typically did several times per year (the answer of course yes). Child wants to know if I will get a dog or cat (the answer is no and is met with disappointment). Child explicitly expressing gratitude that teachers at school were told so that extra hugs could be asked for when needed. The new reality is being figured out; the boundaries of the new playing field are being determined. Of course, now it is out in the open. When people at the school know, have to figure the whole community will know soon enough. Which is a relief on many levels, now I can stop sneaking around, lying to everybody I know, and start living my life.

Monday morning woke up exhausted and feeling like I was coming down with a cold. Spent the day feeling bedraggled. Towards the end of the day, cleaned out the calendar for the next couple of days, left early, got to the apartment and went to bed without setting the alarm clock. Woke up 9.5 hours later feeling like a human being.

Next step, was to start up with the formal process of divorce. We are going to try to do things amicably. Even got an email from Wife, the text of which is as follows:

“Just a note to tell you how much I appreciate your integrity and respect during this horrible time. As hard as it is, I do know that it could be a lot worse. I am grateful to you for acting so responsibly. And I do think that you are a great dad.”

For the record and to be fair, wife is devastated, weepy all the time, not sleeping and not eating. But as bad as this is for all of us, it could be a lot lot worse. We are going to make it.

A remarkable thing happened about a week ago. Like a veil lifting from my eyes, the depression that had been laying on me for the past four years lifted. Just like that, the gray wet blanket that had been lying on my head was gone. What is left? Feelings of deep sadness and fatigue mostly, but also an ability to feel much more keenly than had been allowed to me over the past several years. The business I started with a partner five years ago has been doing well, remarkably so in some areas, but I have had no joy from seeing the results of my hard labor. Why? The depression sucked the life out of everything. And what caused this funk? Being with wife. The sadness is much sharper now. I felt myself seizing up with tears the other day, all from thinking about the end of the marriage. Not because I was missing her or anything, just from the fact of the ending. This was the first time I had felt this particular emotion in any kind of intensity. In a perverse way, the sharpness of it felt good.

And I am tired. I try to sleep as much as possible, clearing the morning calendar on weekdays, frequently not getting to work until ten, but I am just beat. It is going to take time to recharge the emotional batteries. I would love to go somewhere warm for a while and roast on a beach, but I don’t want to go by myself. And I don’t want to miss any time with my child right now. But...and this is a big but, I am also feeling good about things. Starting to enjoy the fact of the professional success. Enjoying time spent with kid. Enjoyed the long walks in the woods last Sunday. Enjoying the fact that I can feel sad.

Went to see the therapist last Tuesday night and she basically tossed me out. I had started with her when Wife and I split just before Labor Day. The goal wasn’t deep Freudian analysis, rather just to help me through this period, learn things about myself, help me develop some tools so I can be better in future relationships, and help me get out from under the grinding depression.

She thought that I had gotten to a better place, and in that last session, I was wondering why I was there. The net of it all was that the Therapist was very helpful for which I am grateful, and best of all, intuitively knew when it was time for me to fly on my own.

On other fronts, wife and I will meet with a divorce mediator right after thanksgiving. So far, we are moving along, though there have been a lot of tears from wife, particularly when she has to deal with the fact that I signed a contract to buy an apartment. But we are moving on, and so far, continuing to deal amicably and with respect.

A portion of a telephone conversation with wife earlier today:

(Wife): “I don’t want this to happen.”this being divorce" (Me): “Let’s look at it realistically. Our marriage is broken.” (Wife): “I don’t agree. It has lots of problems but others have worse and they stick it out”. (Me): “Come-on. We haven’t slept in the same bedroom for a year and a half. I tell that to people and to my therapist and they are shocked.” (Wife): “I tell that to my friends and they are jealous.” (Me): “We barely had sex once a month! This is not normal”
(Wife): “Other’s have worse and they keep trying.” (Me): “Well I feel sorry for them”

Is it just me? This is crazy. Why would anybody want to stay in a marriage when their spouse has moved out of the marital bedroom and sex has basically ended? I am 41, not 81. It is not normal to stop having sex this soon. I just don’t understand why she thinks the situation was preferable to what the future offers, which is being on your own, with at least the potential to find somebody that is a better match.

This day to day grind became a grind in itself; the hope for relief from expressing just disappeared and in itself turned into yet another required task at a time when there was too many tasks and not enough smiles.

But life has taken a very pleasant turn. Settled into an apartment I bought in January. getting it furnished, really enjoying being on my own. Child is doing great, better than could have been expected. Been seeing a nice lady for the past few months. All in all, no need to grieve because the days are full and progress is being made & looks like it has potential for a happy ending.

The only question of course is why didn’t I do this sooner? - Anonymous

I am a TRANS-GENDER Women

A 24 year old from Kalispell, Montana, USA is a University of Montana student. She's a painter and a carpenter, an artist and an athlete. She's a student of computer science. & she's a transgender woman. She lives and volunteers and studies in Missoula.

She grew up in Kalispell. Her body was male but she never felt like a man, and before she started to transition, she tried to take her own life six times. The last time, she used a .50-caliber pistol.

"I stuck it in my mouth and it misfired," She said. "I honestly believe there's a reason I'm still here."

She didn't always know how to understand her feelings about who she was.

When she was 17 years old, she came out as a gay man. She threw herself into her studies and earned an associate degree and two bachelor degrees, one in electrical technology and another in wiring practices.

"I was at a point where I didn't want to accept my need to transition," she said.

She was busy and didn't have time to think about herself. Then, she graduated. Then, she lost her job.

"Suddenly, I had a lot of free time to myself and all of these feelings I had hidden away and dismissed came back," she said.

The incident with the pistol awakened her, and Sutherland took it as a sign that she needed to face the future. That or become a statistic, and she said suicide rates for transgender people are high.

As a last resort, she met with a counselor who works with the transgender community. There, she learned she was not alone, and that a woman as beautiful and amazing as her counselor had transitioned, too.

"I knew what I felt, but I didn't realize other people felt the way I felt," she said.

Sutherland, who had made plans for herself in case life didn't look up, said she left the counselor's office practically skipping. She was nearly certain she would transition.

The first time she came out as Bree, she still lived in Kalispell. A friend had done her makeup for a drag show in Missoula, and Sutherland remembers looking in the mirror and being more shocked than she'd ever been in her life.

"For the first time, I saw myself," she said. "I saw the person I wanted to be, and I felt nothing but utmost happiness."

She cried so much her mascara ran and her friend had to redo her makeup. She began living as a woman full time the day she moved to Missoula and found an apartment. She knew people could tell, but she didn't care.

That was Jan. 15, 2009. On the 20th, she started hormone replacement. On April 8, 2009, she got her name legally changed.

A year later, Sutherland has established herself as a leader and advocate for transgender people. She wants other people to find support more readily than she did, and she delights in the responsibility.

"I also have found a lot of joy in being able to help other individuals," she said.

She's on the board of the Western Montana Gay and Lesbian Community Center. She's the director of the Missoula Transgender Day of Recognition. She's launched the UM Gender Identity and Expression Resource Center and hopes to find space on campus for one of the largest transgender libraries in Montana.


She wanted to share her story because there's a lot of fear about the trans community, and many things people need to learn. Like this: The community estimates some 750 transgender people live in Missoula.

And this: Discrimination publicly doesn't take place a lot, but she's heard of countless cases difficult to prove where people were offered jobs until they had to show a driver's license identifying them as a sex not consistent with their gender identity.

"At that point, those offers were withdrawn almost immediately," She said.

Even so, She doesn't have any harsh words for people who disagree with her.

"I don't know their story, so I'm not going to judge them," she said.

She said she hopes the same from them. Other communities sometimes sacrifice trans people in such policies, and she said she's glad Missoula's proposed non-discrimination ordinance is inclusive.

More than anything, Sutherland said it will help educate people about issues the LGBT community faces and ensure basic human rights and equality for everyone.

"It's going to set a positive example for the entire state," she said - Anonymous

Virtually Your's

There was absolutely no eternal sunshine to a spotless mind with no guardian angel so kind.

It all started dating back from Dec 2010 to Jan 2011! One called thee 'Angel' while other called thy 'Sunshine'! It all began when they started with conversations via phone calls, text messages, video chats, on messenger & on social networking & a dating site where they virtually first met each other. All of this of a so called distant relationship for a little while had taken them eventually to a thing called hook-up or the first date. Sunshine was coming down to Delhi from Calcutta for whatsoever reasons & wanted to spend time with Angel. 

On Jan 9th 2011 they met. While It took more then an hour or so to comfort & confide each other, and then came the "I love you" and a hug! (Though it seemed deliberately reluctant from the other end). They ate, Angel made Sunshine eat with his hands in the same plate! They listened to all sort of songs, talked, slept over & cuddled. They sipped bacardi breezer and vodka! It was for the first time Angel had gone out to get drinks! 

They never made-out, but rest they did!

Angel gifted Sunshine a pack of chocolates early morning! While it raised expected questions, Angel was curious in anticipation expecting as to if Sunshine had brought anything too? Sigh! Angel went to drop Sunshine at the metro station through rickshaw! Angel could feel that it was not worth since there was no expression on the face of Sunshine at all, and Angel kept sulking deep inside while the heart wanted to pour out so many things but lips could not speak up anything.  There was no sign of love or even a bit of care, understanding or emotional reciprocation from the other end. It felt as if the morning Sunshine had lost its glory & thee was left all alone to rant about a story.

From everything happening in middle of nowhere to everything going good and bad at the same time. The fairy-taled, sadly failed story seemed to have almost came to an end on the very next day of there meeting, followed by indifferent behavior & realization that it was not meant to work. Angel had by now understood that Sunshine had taken this whole relationship & love episode for granted which was crookedly-overcooked in a false pretext for self-centred gains or whatever the reason.

They met the second time. this time as well there was no obvious interaction that should or possibly could have been there. They sat there afar, while talking almost nothing looking at each others faces or partly ignoring to face the chase. Angel had Sunshine dropped in his car till the metro station. This time Angel knew it was the last time thee was seeing Sunshine for obvious reasons! This expected behavior was by now almost so evident, in hope there could be better seasons.

The Sun had already dawn! A line drawn between them had everything of it already drown. Even the sun had come down from the heights & it seemed like it was settling this time, not to rise again. 

Angel one day wanted to meet Sunshine for a family get together on a festival, but Sunshine had an excuse of not coming! From Calcutta to Delhi and Mumbai & back & fro, Sunshine kept shuffling. They did managed to communicate though, Angel wanting to meet up occasionally and spend time and share moments, and Sunshine having no time at all, with all the lame excuses! Later Sunshine kept asking Angel for favors to get some contacts in the corporate world, about his job and placement a number of times from the day they started communicating till the time they met and even after that & so on! Angel had to call this thing off & finally put an end to this one way shit.

Angel trying hard to convince but failing at the end for the very last time, in an attempt of an effort to sort things out & meet up once again purposely blackmailed Sunshine to meet, saying I am going to ruin your life, if you wont meet. It had been ages & every time there were excuses coming from the other end. They stayed that night together, Angel tried by all means to convince, if at all there could be slightest of possibility of reviving fondness, love or friendship between the two, trying to mend things & letting go off the past, but even the inches of the leftover spark were dead! Sunshine was least interested, guess never was, all one seemed interested was in to use and get through for ones own worth of things. Angle realized that the spark which existed virtually from the other end was missing now.

Sadly, Sunshine had the audacity to text Angel one fine day stating that "we are friends right?", Can you help me out with placements and stuff, since you have so many contacts! This made Angel more perturbed thinking how could people be so unrealistic in there approach ,avoiding the utmost decency & courtesy in there self proclaimed (genius) well planned practical endeavors, seeking favors. A game well-planned & sugar coated with emotional melodrama and ending it to just a give-and-take shit!

They were strangers now! and never met again - They haven't been in touch after that either!

'Do we need such people in our life who are just available for all the virtual hardcore romance ,sympathizing with words; relationship, family, love and playing with ones emotions for ones self-centered urges.'

How ridiculous this thing had turned into - just another virtual fling with a sort of plan in mind. - Anonymous

PUZZLED-Why?

“If the reality of our life has become an unsettling arabesque puzzle and we still want to add more filigree embroidery to it, we might, some day, expect to stray from the point of recognition, lose the final thread, be expelled to the edge of delusion and forced to dance on the brim of chaos." (Alert. High noon) - Erik Pevernagie

Well there is not just one problem, that I am surrounded with, they are plentiful ones! The situation is more or like the same every time. I’ve been engrossed with it a lot more times earlier and that's the damn reason I am what I am & how I am or turned out to be one, right so very now - so puzzled! I am not the problem, nor am I the solution or am I?  It's been years I have experienced the same thing happening all the time, all over again - again & again. Time passes by & after these gaps, after a while when I am just about learning to conjure myself, letting things pass by coming & going at its own sweet will, often wondering & imagining it to vanish away by its own - for time being or for ever, I find it hitting me up on the face with a blow & I am once again caught up in these not so obvious circumstances. 

It's like you’ve been given a white chalk to scribble on to this black slate or a blackboard, & no matter how much you could pour out on to it, & leave no empty space, you still stand there gazing at its depth & vastness, realizing what it has to offer. At the end realizing that it eventually would turned out to be a clean slate after it was scrubbed. Why on the earth would you want things to be rubbed? & if at all it had to come to an end to nothing eventually erasing a memory, why would you even scribble? What good it be? Despite you’ve been all the more willing to freely imagine painting with a color palette of chalks in all colours, you still settle down on to the black & whites(shades of grey). 

Not one, but random things in my mind surround and knock & I am puzzled in a series of doubts. Utterly confused and alarmed. These lively & lifeless Institutions of my experienced set of intuitions that have raised me so far, instilled within me with the knowing & perceiving of things I’ve learned, gained or lost, & still learning at whatsoever cost seldom make me settle down to a realization of asking to myself - whether or not?  

Though I know I cant help it! I guess I need to figure it out myself! The only question that I ask myself right now is ‘Do I need to get puzzled?’ Do I want it to hamper my thoughts, dampening me into more miserable state of turmoil, trying to get unmuzzled. I so very wish I could let it go before it even started! Should I listen to my heart or let my mind do the talking? In a clumsy state of mind - unaware, yet so aware! rare, because I care - I am just an emotionally fed peculiar soul & its not always about presumptions or assumptions, it's beyond state of mind. Is it the intuitive me - who spoils it even more? The worst part about being intuitively right was offending me through & through to the core. Knowing everything was a sham, still disguised to these psyche trails of situational haphazardness - life had its plan. 

There are times when you are in situations when you just want things to work right all the way through & through, but at the back of your mind and deep down in your heart you would already be reluctantly aware of the outcomes that just might not work. It often gets difficult when you have a choice of choosing between your mind or heart & still unsure of the outcome. We already perceive more negative & less positive, & that’s because life is not a easy task in itself & we are aware that things don't work in accordance with how we want them to. Sometimes we already have a handful of ready answers to all the questions & possibly knowing its worth, we still try taking in the risk. 

“The world's a puzzle; no need to make sense out of it." - Socrates

I’ve been always trying hard to make sense out of everything & anything, because I do want it to work but for some reason it wont - It’s not at all the way it seems to be. I’ve often prayed that my most negative of intuitions be seldom wrong & that things could get much easier. I’ve not always been completely right or wrong when it comes to my intuitions, but sometimes I feel, that I could stop intuiting or getting over-worked & tired of imagining the outcomes even before they happened. Sometimes we are on a lookout for instant answers to ‘what good or worth it be?’ I have kept myself on hold, waiting too long, letting time fly away these nuances. Whenever I stop giving a damn about it, not wanting anymore to get affected or carried away, It comes back again finding me somehow. Well I guess everyone has to make one's mind in what direction one has to go, and how much effort one needs to put in figuring out to what extent one has to eventually deal with it and how much amount one would take in to resolve or let go? I’ve partially made my mind now. I will let it come to me the way it has to & I will put in an effort to get in those shoes every time, and take decision. I am strong now, I’ve survived so far & I will survive this time too.

"Let the waters settle, you will see stars & moon mirrored in your Being." True that - I’ve seen it work like magic - having witnessed moon and sun mirrored on to my very being & having made the waters settled, but I wonder how often should and whether I need to clean & filter out the already settled & stagnated one, that has been there for a while now. I am afraid & aware, A mild exterior manner (the“still waters”) may hide a more passionate or dangerous internal nature (”run deep”) - a warning that silent people are dangerous. I guess doing absolutely ‘what I have to do’, meanwhile addressing the thought process with ‘what I would be’ is the answer.

I neither easily trust on to anything or anyone for that matter nor am I blindfolded. I wont be left out all alone at the mercy of these puzzles with intuitions so molded...I’ve already have these unsolved pieces, sealed & folded. I try to play it safe - still learning to leave no traces, I wish to end these chases. - Anonymous