Friday, December 26, 2014

Obnoxiously Yours

He stood there holding his white pyjamas and watching over his ordure on them.


We were surrounded by a large number of people gathered together in a disorganized or unruly way at our place. & there I stood amidst of the unrecognizable faces. I had no time to figure out anything about the comings and goings of anyone else, since It was only him that I was bothered (rub up the wrong way).


He stood there, troubled, uneasy, troubled, perturbed & disturbed, & in fractions of time, he started running, fleeing out of the boundaries in a jiffy. There was no one doing nothing. I could not have waited and watched. I started to follow him.


He Ran and Ran, while I shouted his name loud. Noticing I was running after him. looking back noticing me following him. he made faster moves. There was something that was troubling him, and he wanted me out of the reach of the troubles that were hampering me, with his indulgence being a part of the whole scenario, that were initiated because of him being a targeted reason. He went out of sight, until I saw him going down to this place. I stood there on the gate with guards that guarded this particular area, asking them to help me out, telling him the state,misery and situation that was a little more complex, asking for there help,and making things clearer, with all the less time we had in explaining and understanding and finding him out.


All I wanted to ask was what was it, and wanted to speak and console him. He was and still a part of my family, & I only have him left.


A dream that all the more I wanted did concluded did ended in midway with a phone call.


I am still waiting to get a clear picture and answers, eventually in due course, by and by, in time, in the long run, in the fullness of time, at some point in the future, one day, one of these fine days, some day, sometime, in time to come, sooner or later, when all is said and done. - Anonymous

Monday, December 22, 2014

Comes the Winter, & I am an Elf

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”

"You can't get too much winter in the winter". - Robert Frost

Like many another scion of Celtic forebears, I celebrate the arrival of the Winter Solstice; like many another gardener, I rejoice in the coming of the coldest, darkest days of the year. To be sure, I complain about the cold, lament the lack of sunlight, and crave the warm sunny days of summer still to come.

Perhaps it’s the first mellifluous notes of a half-remembered lullaby? Or the acrid scent of your Grandpa’s cigar? Maybe
the thwack of rubber thongs on sticky bitumen in summer? Or
filaments of dust dancing in the dappled afternoon sunshine?
Hazy, lazy memories of childhood. They jostle and tease. Sepia-toned and rose-tinted.

Getting depressed during winter? Odds are you've heard of seasonal affective disorder, or you've experienced it for yourself. Fittingly abbreviated "SAD," this periodic melancholy is most often seen in the nature's coldest season while your body catches a case of winter-tide doldrums.

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus. So, I suppose the celebration of Solstice each winter and the acknowledgment of substantial tasks to perform are a kind of reminder of the whole cycle. Role is never completed; there is always something needing attention; and at every turn there are rewards – joys, gifts – that make it easier to get off one's lazy behind. Most days, anyway.

This year must definitely be a sign for all things new.. With my original dislike for wreaths and now being converted, the same has happened in the way of tinsel. Tinsel used to scream tacky to me years ago, but this year I really really fancied some for the bedroom. And with some rice lights tucked up in it, I absolutely love it! Christmas, we are ready for you!

With Christmas only a hand countdown away (Say What?) I am feeling pleasantly chuffed that everything is sorted (all except for few!) and most presents were purchased months before. Admittedly, next on the list is wrapping - which if you ask me, the first few are always fun and have attention to detail.Then the rest? It becomes a chore. So at the weekend, I carted all the presents upstairs along with boxes of wrapping and sellotape and a big mug of tea and headed to the spare bedroom to get fully festive. And feel like an elf for the afternoon.

And because we all know how much we enjoy our own bed, and any form of cozy and snug bedding, I felt it was only right to jump into that sipping on hot tea whilst staring out the window.

I couldn't agree more with Robert Byrne's quote "Winter is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours.' - Anonymous

Monday, November 17, 2014

MY ANTICS; Marijuana, Spirituality & Everything Else

I befriended many in a very joyous yet confusing part of my life. I had gone through so many changes spiritually, physically and emotionally that if I start talking about them , I'd definitely fill a book.

I liked few people instantly. much before I saw or experienced the 'real' them. That explains that we were destined to meet. I believe that everyone who comes in our life comes because of a reason.

Sorry I could not keep up to my promises.I wanted to. But ,My father came & took me away and I went with him thinking that I'd be able to make him understand my viewpoints about life, work , Marijuana, spirituality and everything else. I ended up making a fool of myself at home and subsequently became a nuisance in their eyes. All I needed was a little support . I do not blame them for anything. While I was there, I could have started my own fitness thing out of the money that they sent for giving exams and registering subjects.

"But, I was in the horns of dilemma back then. I wanted the best of both worlds".

I wanted to be what he wanted me to be and fulfill my father's dreams and at the same time wanted to establish myself in the best possible ways I could, of what I knew best and could do well for a living as well.

So after I and my father came home (him seriously thinking that I had gone nuts because, I was talking about 4D 5D Life etc ), I tried hard to make them read on stuff that weed actually is not bad as they think it is because I did not wanted to hide anything from them. But, they did not understand me or even try to understand me with an open mind and my antics grew day by day, both in size and stupor.

"I stubbed two cigarettes on my wrist in front of my father to prove a point. I even cut myself with blades out of anger".

Then one day in April when I asked them to give the ATM card to get my internet re activated, they refused. It was night. I was so angry that I left the home early in the morning to meet you and stay with you. I was so high, I took only a couple of clothes and my Gita and weed. I took a phone which they had bought me earlier in the hope that I become a sane(slave minded) person again.

I thought that I will sell the cellphone and refuge myself & then sit and plan for furthermore. Meanwhile when I was smoking near a temple in the market, (I hadn't left town by then) I got a call from Goddess and she said that your mother is very upset and crying and if I leave now, she might even die .

I went back to home, just because I thought that I cud not give them so much pain since I had already given them a lot by not performing like a genius in college.

There my mom cooked the best she could and offer me and brother asked if I wanted to have a pizza. I seriously thought that they had become open minded and were ready to at least make a teeny tiny effort to understand me... But , I was wrong!. Brother tricked me into going to a rehab by saying that they need someone to teach people yoga and they wanna offer you a temporary job. I thought since my father had blatantly refused to sponsor to even start my fitness thing, I'll do it on my own.

I was trapped there. With vile, filthy, unbecoming and uncouth close minded strangers.

"I became claustrophobic."

They made 20 of us sleep in a tiny room with no ventilation. I nearly died in the night. The next morning they gave me a pep talk and 'tried' to brainwash me into believing into The Narcotics Anonymous thing as if they were doing a favor on me.

They make people eat feces and make them drink urine in front of all the inmates if someone does not adhere to their rules and regulations. They make people use soap once a week.They make people naked on a whim and make them stay nude for days at a stretch if we voice our opinion. - These three lines are just trailer.I do not want to reveal much.

You have no idea how much I missed few of the people that I could count on my fingers. Feeling bad of certain things that could never go wrong if I had done that or this. I was even afraid to open up to my old friends, let alone. I was scared that they might send me back to that hell hole again.

The great Chanakya says that "No friendship is formed without the expectation of a favor of some kind".

2 hard months of rehab mind programming rendered me senile , neutered & scared like a sacrificial goat.

Then , I asked my parents what do they want. They said the same, whatever you like to do. I was so angry from inside that I thought of dragging them in the court and I would have won too keeping in mind that nobody can force an adult into a rehab without their consent. It is akin to kidnapping. But, my alter ego stopped me from stooping so low. I then said that I will complete my course in 6 months as they wish.They became happy instantly.

Now they started saying that once I complete my degree they will help me out with my plans - I believed them.

When my exams were nearing an end, one of my friends suggested that I should try for a bank job since they have a lot of vacancies and I was eligible despite my pour record at college. So I asked them if I could try for that. They said yes. I couldn't run off just like that this time u know. I needed to plan long term.

I know it must be hard for someone who loves ones parents deeply to understand this. But, God does not bless everyone with the same blessings in life. My parents are not evil. They are just stubborn and close minded. They believe whatever the papers or TV or their social circle says. They never read except the papers so have nil view about how the REAL world operates and have not a tiny bit of idea about Law of Attraction.

Well. I found a book the autobiography of a yogi in the rehab. It became my constant friend and companion . Surprisingly just a few days after finishing the book, I was released.

"God does work in mysterious ways".

By Dec'13 I had completed my college course and mom and me came back home after staying together for 5 months there. I passed. Then I presented them with the idea of becoming a Bank PO. They agreed to let me go and have coaching and agreed to let me stay alone.

I got coached. I came back and ever since may 2014 have been living at home. Gave 5 exams. Few of them I didn't clear and for the rest still awaiting results.

My father tried to lure me again by saying that I will give you 30 lacks which are in your bond after 3 years of being in the job. then, you can start you thing(whatever you want to). My best guess is that he hoped that I will succumb to slave life that is a 9 to 5 job in three years , get my balls and dreams chopped off and never look towards fitness or writing again. Well I said , No thanks. I don't need your money anymore. I will get by by whatever little I can save in my job and start mt fitness thing side by side.

If my dreams come true and things get sorted my way, I will even have no need for the damn job. Whatever happens, I will become the best I can be. So, here we are.

I tried to remember & tried searching chats but I believe in my drunken stupor I had deleted every friend from my list who mattered and every message. I cursed my luck.

Hope this is not too boring for you to read. But, One thing I can assure you. This is the truth. I got beaten at rehab for speaking the truth. I will never return to this family once I go away. I wont cut contacts with them but will not make any effort whatsoever to share whats going on in my life. Nobody dictates what I do or don't do in my life.

For now, I'm laying low and keeping my feelings inside. Being an egotistical bipolar depressive person that I am, I have talked only about me. Thanks for hearing me out. Much love, kisses and hugs - Anonymous '27, India

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

DAD thinks he is a "SUPER-MAN"

"As long as I am this or that, I am not all things."
-- Meister Eckhart


I thought one of the advantages of having an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it’s just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, that's my dad, and I wouldn't have him any other way. - because my father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.

I guess I could say that my dad is Superman, though I don't mean that in a Clark Kent, leap-tall-buildings in a single bound way. He doesn't have super strength, he can't melt things with his pupils, fly, or see through walls (though I'm pretty sure he has eyes in the back of his head). No, my dad is superhuman in ways much more amazing than that. He is a "SuperKid"

I reason I am writing this is because, recently, & many a times, I have seen him doing all the funny things just like a Kid, which were told not to. He would be extra vigilant on the pettiest of things, that he believes only need his attention, and no one other then him could do any good to.

He has been falling around here and there, From bed to the floor, in the Loo, Unbalancing himself a number of times. Recently he fell from the 2nd floor & straight on to the Car's Bumper. Just Imagine, what sight it would be - a mixed feeling, more of an emotional, worried sort & sarcastically humorous later. It all sounded like "Akshay Kumar(Actor)" doing a stunt in a Bollywood Movie, & making an attempt to Jump from high above to the Car's Bumper.
 

Damn. & then he was rushed to the hospital, with a Bone here and there raised & lowered, & a Blood Clot.

Doctor said it was a Miracle' how he was saved & still is decent enough to be saved & normal. & I cried deep down in my heart, realizing the very fact, that" if if does not stop's doing this once and for all" It would be no Miracle anymore.

As I walked down the corridors of the Hospital, I found this "Champak Book "(a bouquet of short stories, comic strips etc ), & I happily picked it up, & starting digging into it,& later I realized, was it this that I was being sent by God to collect, via all this, to the hospital.

Persistent on getting petite things done over with in fractions of second, & then going to check whether they were done, if not, shall happily go and get them sorted himself. Knowing this fact that his body does not allow him to take in all that

He's the constant rock in my life, along with my mother. I feel the pain when things happen to him. After a certain age" we all agree, that they all become "Kid". He's the man who'd bought me things, spent hours teaching, guiding me. The man who pick me up and carry me inside when I fell asleep, the man who'd point to all the petite good and bad things happening around, with him & his family.The man who would be more worried by the little petite things, as he was the only one who knew, given a chance, would sort it out & do it himself, no matter how much stress, pain, ill, weak his body was in. His body would no longer support him, he would end up falling here & there, bump into this and that all the time. Despite he shall stand & start doing all the necessarily unnecessary, which he had to. At a age when he should have some poise & peace, he is being one naughty kid, persistently engaging himself in this or that, & getting himself into trouble all the time, in odd ways, which are not even anywhere near him to leave him in a condition that he conquers, despite all the odds, & readily puts himself in - all the time.

My dad is my hero,like everyone. Looking at my dad, with his salt and pepper beard or cleaned shaved at times and smile & frown lines, I know most of the time what he means/feels.

I knew my dad had always wanted to give the best to me and my siblings. Throughout all the hardships, he's never given up and that reason, among many other, is why my dad is so important to me. I look at that old man, at my old man, and I see a reason to be all I can be and so much more.

I see cold hard proof that it doesn't matter where you came from, just matters where you're going. When it comes down to it, I guess I really do believe my dad is Superman. I can't think of anyone who can go through the things he did and still find something to genuinely smile about & still landing himself in a most worried state of dilemma, still being worried about" Did you ate", Did you finished that, Did that? and so on".

I hope others have their own SuperMan/SuperKid in their lives.

"you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

The list of guests keeps approaching, & then there is family & relatives always pouring in, visiting him to check how he is doing. Sister's & there family, along with Me, ,My Mother. Brother giving company to Dad all the time. Yesterday I had made a cup of tea for dad, to give him along with the medicines that he was supposed to have, but this Visitor would not leave, & so I knew I had to Re-heat it again, & I waited. That's like one of the many of the everyday chores of my Life.

"He and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy" - Anonymous

Friday, October 17, 2014

Curious Approach - A Less Easier

I could go on and on falling in for the infatuated me, for thy someone' risking my dignity, offended by rejection, but eventually ' at least I could say' i tried, made a move. so what if it did not worked. At least the desirous me' shall not be kept 'haunting chasing thy. (I at times fail to understand, how difficult it has become to tell someone that I am fond of you' & I like you & could fall in love with)' emotional(rationale & logical statements being considering flirtatious) like these' now a days no matter how much un-tabooed they get' they still fall into the category of in the closet shy & reserved syndrome, still living with thy self perception of "on a look out for someone other then the one who just approached", satisfying themselves with a preliminary sufficed satisfactory "they are better off alone" syndrome. 'No matter how hard it all gets, in such a easy to go phenomenon, that could have been', you could just no longer perform right to speak or do without thinking twice. Being Straightforward has only kept itself restricted to words in writing' & if it comes into practice verbally' it is labeled a repulsive/violent act.

For example. Why can't we just not say to someone (known/stranger) that you really look hot & sexy(in the dress you are wearing, or I would like to see you without anything on) & I desire for more then just being with you, other then staring at you, and feeling infatuated to the core, imagining things you & me could do. This could possibly be inventive on a curious experimental rationale of a human behaviorism by choice of actions.

I still can't erase the thought of the glimpse of that someone that I saw, I am sure I will be seeing again, and I guess I need to be courageous enough if not to talk face to face leave a note saying how & what all I feel, & hand it over saying' Excuse me this is for you), & run away, vanish completely, leaving my contact details. Can give it a try. Thinking exactly how would I face thy, next time, face to face, if things did not work in the apt way? - A curious anticipation, left to my emotional, mental, sensual, & physical state of attributes, running down from the mind, to the heart, through the blood vessels, leaving me all the more asexual or the moment. - Anonymous

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Out There - Killing Time

I was out in the Backside Balcony, of the 2nd Floor, with my phone, while I waited for someone, who I had come across to meet, shelling out a sum of Rs.600 via Cab,for a meeting that lasted 10 minutes precisely. Reaching at 11, and leaving by 2, with a wait for more than hour. There was a person who was playing some game on his cellphone, waiting like me, killing time. With a little discussion over several issues, trying to communicate and kill out the torturous time, that we both waited for. It was quite friendly of him in a humble way to communicate.

Not keen on to playing games, & feeling sleepy at the same time, because I had not slept the whole night. I felt, if I had to sit there on the chair, I would certainly doze off, and beside the fact that the cab driver was waiting, with no clue to how much more time would it take. For once it came to my mind to flee away from there, but then I thought I had anyway to pay, so rather sit there and do what I came for.I thought to make it a little worthy of time & creativity. Now trying to kill my time, clicking few pictures.

I stood on the strange land, with a strange surrounding. Looking at the chores of few strange faces cleaning there house with the broom in hand, the other one sorting out the garden, and a guy standing on the water tank in his half pants, trying to do something. I wanted to peak on to what was exactly happening out there, I tried gathering myself up closer to the edge of the boundary walls of the balcony, and found that he was cleaning the water tank, mugging out all the dirty water out of it ,splashing it out of the tank. I did saw him noticing me, noticing him, but I kind of stood there imitating as I was busy with my cell, and cared nothing whatsoever. Later to my surprise, after like 15 minutes or so, when I saw, another guy coming out of the water tank, it was hilariously surprising, questioning myself on what on the earth was he doing inside the water tank.Later when these two men came off the tank, they took a bath, and fled away, there i realized I had no entertainment left to entertain me anymore, and with screeching heat on my head, I decided to come inside.

I wish I could have made a video of the same, and clicked some pics,but I did not, could not. I did not wanted to act strange pointing my phone on strange faces, in a strange way, that would leave them clueless on to what I was up to.. I certainly did not wanted to give them any ideas. - Anonymous

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Fucked in a.Fuckin-Way - So Gay

Why can't I just not fall in love with the one I am fond of , or even infatuated or willing to bed with. Why can't the other person relate to me in the same way. Why it has to be looks, or any other reasons of the past experienced turmoils that don't let people find trust and hope in the new. Why won't they even give it a try. Why is it that every time we have to be fake, and why is it that every time we have to hide our feelings for someone, that might just not be so responsive enough to give it a considerable thoughtfulness.
 

gay,bi,ugly,fine,rich,poor,skinny,fat,tall,short,orange,black,white,purple - a friend is a friend - if you don't judge.

"We all have our part of stories, relationships, loneliness, brilliant sunshine memories, fairytale folklore's, mushy love & so on. There can be a happy endless journey, and there can be a ruined ending to it. Well you are the one to make decisions over it & if witty enough you would realize with a glimpse of certainty of its being".


Scene.1
"A good intention clothes itself with power(never wear masks) - that sure would have been a powerful intention, intentionally or unintentional.- Now how powerful, needs to be figured out.But what if someone likes undressing much more then being clothed?"
I met him to soon after a days conversation, and he stayed at my place at night. We just slept little far from each-other. Though I had intentionally not made it clear that I was possibly attracted towards this person. I could not possibly make all the effortless chances of any kinds in the darkness of the tired body that was must exhausted and wanted to sleep(though, not particularly, that was something that I wanted. The other side was reserved and shy to make any advances, being in a state of unsure agendas & future. I on the other hand was willing to hug this person, hold thy hands, look at his closed eyes & face, his sleeping posture.

"Nothing else then my soul had a hard on, irrespective of anything, or nothing, there it could shag it self off at that very moment".

I don't know, I guess it was a bad dunked state of my very being, overwhelmed by the understanding of this person in a dry state, that said yes, when I asked him, I would want you to stay tonight. With drizzled rain in that time frame that brought something pleasant to the entire gamut of just two of us a sourrounding, joyous and easy going, without any agitations and masks, no camouflaged pretentious mind, absolutely nothing - blank state of 'enjoying that very excitement of meeting someone that made me feel good about. Sharing on the glass of wine & whiskey & the little food left, something told me, there was a friend or a friend to be, or even more, that was pretty much up straight on my face with little of things, and rest all hidden and piled. There was this age gap between us, but did not felt if there was any. I was good to have someone staying up not very far from you at times, someone easily you could end up, crying your heart out to, and telling all the real stories of your unshared piles of happiess & saddened being. Discussing as little as we talked, little conversations that just came and go.

With a glare of Light that all possibly could I get from my cellphone, looking at him by means of indirect light, Despite being anxiously excited to see not much of the the naked flesh on his body that I could see though, The little that I saw, made me more curious and I rather fell in love and fondness with the clothed and wrapped up soul, that slept like a baby next to me. Something told me, that there he lay in a sleep that was not a sound one, for there was something in his mind and heart that was going along, while he slept. Maybe a little bit of nervousness to stay night at a stranger who he just met, and knew for a day. Sharing a bed, was not a phrase as in a sexual parameter, but it was more of that little comfort zone & trust that there was between the two of us, somewhere telling us more it could, from our past experiences and agendas and chores of our daily lives, that we had lived up to until now.

I did not thought it to be a good idea to come close and make any advances of any kinds,giving any wrong message. I still made an effort to hold and hug this person as little I could make gestures of hugging him, and being close to him, wanting to feel him as much as I could - hold, kiss and love(with no sexual misinterpretation), seeking only emotional security & comfort of someone that slept very next to me, and for all I could repeatedly whisper was that I love you, & could possibly crave only for your attention and love in return - the little or more physical endurance and emotional comfort that I wanted to run down deep into. It was like I was a soul that too human, that longed for a longing to be intimately involved. (There certainly was no need of things to end with sex, but all I wanted was in that drunken state of my very being to ease out all that I could, in the darkness of night). Little sleepy & at the same time sleepless, awake myself wanting to somehow get close and intimate, thought it not to be the day, when we could possibly end into doing something like that). For sure it was a fateful , lucky day of meeting a stranger, with a little reserved nature. complimenting the other side, still trying to wanting to pull all the conversational strings over couple of drinks,food, chat & music the late evening & music and cup of tea in the morning. How did that night passed by, no one other then me ,myself knew. For later I told that very person that I made friendly & romantic gestures towards him, with kisses and hugs, while he slept. Good it was to enjoy thee company & looking forward in anticipation for it to happen it again in a little more open - intimate "out of the closet way".

I would have wanted to hug him up and shook his hands,if not a kiss, while I left him at the Rickshaw, few miles away, walkable distance from my house, that I walked with him to. I guess I had not been a pretty good host, It could have been little better. I am sorry if I could not concentrate much on the thought of a hungry stomach, that he might have had, for there was not much to offer. If there be a next time, All I hope is he understand me even better, and makes this relationship worthy, giving me a food for thought to trust and understand the term of so called orientation/friendly relationship, that we could possibly share. I would have wanted him to stay more, if I did not had any plans, though I guess all the more he also would have wanted to say, if he had a clear picture of it our this so called meeting was a success.



 
 As they always say" I will count on you & you can count on me  - We will always together, if we could".
 


Starting it all a fresh.-sometimes, some things are meant to be the way they are done, for good things to come, bad things to go or vice-verse  and experience them. That imply - let the bad relationship go and get over with it, its by no means going to benefit you. End it completely with no memories of the past to trouble you. "There is always a second last chance to things 'that come over, & go by". Enough of the remorse over the petty sick unworthy, if it was fateful enough to end this way, it sure was destined, and was not to bring about any peace, if ever it lasted long & continued in this unhygienic way.

When we know we are interested in the orientation that is a tabooed subject. we tend to get lost, and lured, with the sexual part of it - infatuated for the time being, until its done on the bed, rather don't figure out on the emotional aspect of it for a longer run, for more of a heart to heart and soul to soul connection. materialistic pleasures - we seek to seek! Not every flesh has a heart to love and live. momentum as much as sex and looks, infatuation cud be, emotions cud go forever. Nothing wrong in seeking pleasure and going with the flow of the so called sexual desperate longings, but then it should not get turned off, when it's done with, it should continue more often for much long' with a connection of soul & love too, off and on the bed.

"When you talk about sex - You.find it intellectual - When I do, you call me desperate. - I find that rather amusing".


Scene.2

"My bed was just not a means to satisfy you  - Wish you could have touched my soul""For all the while infatuated I stood, hoping  I would get someone -  the other person mistook me for just another prostitute sibling for his wanking gratification & sexual chores".

For you it was all OK & done away with kinds, But for me I still stand guilty of what I did on bed with you, cursing.myself. All I ever wanted was to make you happy on bed ,expecting you would be with me forever my friend - this & that- it took a while & I understood. I run down to the corners, somewhere in my heart with wondering thoughts - I still try to forget about it - Craving all the more for you, even after what you did, we did. I find myself lost & lured by you & want to tell you' here I am at your disposal - use me, the way you want  -for my fondness for you grew after that night for not easy for me to have sex randomly & I know - you do it & you do it nice  I shall moan & forget, there is no love from your side(it was just a pretentious act). For, we said "I love you" even before we met & now after we had it thy never existed love from you died & fled away, coming to an end  - I see you stand unreal as a selfish spree, but then for me, sex was pious & my love was real/my infatuation was physical, yet emotional - I give you again though one last chance. I know I will have to repent this, but what the fuck, let it be.






"If only sex could quench thy thirst,it would be with a person, who can respect, love, like you at the same time, with an understanding to make things grow between you, and let it not just be for one night stand. What is it that does not suffice you with one & your quench for more grows & you are left with random faces/flesh. Willing to give yourself to the other person, and at the same time wanting to have someone/anyone".

Thy heart has seen markets where they sell love,& they are pretty good at it, sad that they,sell it often & to everyone' with a price tag,that seems so professional n branded, but it's way to cheap, & get's withered with time, lasts' as little as low & deprives & vanishes, gets lost-gone with the wind kinds. I so would advise them to replace it with game; & I am sure there market's would flourish & boom pretty awesome. Since more then half of the populated world is lured by thy and not thee. business - I tell you, they need more tactics, they need to get educated & then market it all. For sure they can certainly keep me out of that league. unleash me from there desirously insane tantrums.


Here Shit, there Shit, Every Where - Shit-Shit - (Now Sing) Old McDonald had a farm,& at the end it all lost charm. Eeeeaaa.I.Eeeaa,I.O - Yours Anonymous' Fuckingly.Fucked.in.a.Fuckin.Way. Oh Fuck 

P.S Masturbation is a good option, not that healthy habit if you do it more often though' Shake it Baby (Ain't no Shakira or a Baby-Doll either)

Grappling The Randomness

Chances are that very few understand the real you, Chances are that very rarely you understand your self.

I at times feel there is everything useless.but evidently to be done away with,until you live wondering why life was so conditional & expectantly accepted livable - why it could not be simple.

Randomness - if it's going to start, randomly in circles, is going to end up in a random way.

I am not here to amuse you or entertain & if I do so,I expect the same - depends on how intellectual or dumb you are to keep the conversation going & being in touch. - it takes more then much of it always to make it.work.

"If thy knew - what a friend was & how could one be,thee would never be lonesome."

No it's entirely not your fault to presume, assume, judge.me.by my answers to your questions because I talk in contextual reference to.the general.realizations. & logical practical experiences of a much lived life - I can very well conclude, based on my experienced, when I start to make judgements about certain things, when I start.too! Thought I am not being judgmental at all, its just that my very being with thy emotions, formalities, presumptions,perceptions,shall spin & churn either in a grinder or a washing machine, thereafter dried & then put off & laid on the platter to be served or worn. With thy very honest & true & faithful myself, based on the conversations, communications,meetings & knowing thy so far, come a little or long way & shall in the pure form with nothing kept in thy heart, expecting just as little as the same from.thy, in return doing away with the obligatory formalities taking you for what you made me think of you to be. I am what I am and I don't think I have to be what you think me to be.

If I don't know you,I don't know you. for I at times, intend to know you, as much as I would want you to know me - Else - we be strangers - simple.

"If we go far - there would be a reason, for there was a reason we came close."

It's not what it seems like to be, the way we presume,judge and assume - it shall be on the contrary different, from this fondness, craziness & all the tempted curious falling for's - its just a infatuated excited syndrome tendency to be over soon. I neither do say - it is a bad thing, on the contrary it's fine to adapt & enjoy to the core, what and how you feel irrespective of where it shall lead you.Nor do I say"it has to be the same monotonous every time with everyone.Give it a try and you shall learn and educate yourself of the choicest of certain things that shall enlighten you.

Heaven is not a place or a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect oneness - how far.could one say that truly for hell as well.-'warning'-*condition's apply!

Grappling the life and anything that comes along with it is all the more wisest to the conscious mind and heart, no matter intentions might.warn you with contrary mismatch, you still let it come and go, & carry on with the flow - for never have we been able to hold on to anything for a lifetime other.then the.fond and soar memories of people and things and places.

For the only truest of thing is your very being, until you figure how true you are to your own self, you shall not figure out anything at all.

We grow old with wisdom,experience & much more and we loose on to our youth, vitality, potential,after almost addressing everything, learning from the mistakes, experiencing the ill odds & the even. - that's how we grow and there's no looking back , It's exactly where & how we started from & came back at the end. - Anonymous

Friday, August 22, 2014

AWAKENED House of Night-2

Spectacles - where art though? Come On Stop Playing Games Now ! Phew, Now where did I landed up My Spectacles. Can't See a thing unlike the last nite I forgot my cellphone in the refrigerator , & when I got it, it was so chilled & foggy, I had to warm it up a bit to bring it back to life. I am sure I did not kept my spectacles in the fridge now, I just double checked it, since it would crack & no ways its going to be brought back to life. Finding it difficult to read & type & see much clear with the old frame, I have, trying to figure out and find it desperately. enough is enough!

A "fading garland" used as a metaphor for the evening of life or aging in general " Did she realize in a flash of prescience that there was no earthly future for our sweet Cecily? Not for her were to be the lengthening shadows or the fading garland. The end was to come while the rainbow still sparkled on her wine of life, ere a single petal had fallen from her rose of joy.

Reading "The Golden Road" by Lucy M. Montgomery(Novel), In-tuned to the Indian Summer by Doors and in the midst of all that, finding my way to the keyboard typing almost all about everything that passed by me & around.

Well' I am the most free person in the world, living by myself, eventually forcefully or by choice found reasons to keep my soul busy & body occupied in whatever I get to. One Life, Living it to the best possible or impossible way one could, Not wasting a bit of it. By all means sufficing to my interests or some random choices, plentiful of those little things that keep me Living.

Glad to have had found the Black Dog on my Streets again, who seem to have had fled away and disappeared for some time, during his time of agony & pain , and hidden somewhere, for I could not take care of him, & rescue him from his pain & restlessness, when he got hurt, with a bad wound, that followed his agony & he was looking for hands to cuddle him, and provide him shelter. For some or the other reasons I kind of let it go' & later realized could have done something about it - guilty over it as the time passes, looking at the much slimmer him now - the vein must have had lost his appetite and weight. - though not much long way back this dream that I had, about almost the same situation, I realized it was a indication of the things that were to happen around.


"Unseen, this colourless sky of folded showers,And folded winds; no blossom in the bowers; A poet's face asleep in this grey morn. Now in the midst of the old world forlorn. A mystic child is set in these still hours. I keep this time, even before the flowers, Sacred to all the young and the unborn. And to the future of my own young art, And, among all these things, to you, my sweet, My friend, to your calm face and the immortal. Child tarrying all your life-time in your heart". - Alice Meynell


No matter how outrageous are the souls that go through an emotional turmoil in the body we live in. From Panic attacks, Emotional ruined aspirations to outraged accustomed presumptuous & wisdomous approach to life. We all follow - the principle of let it go, no matter what , live, abiding by the accustomed principle of a perceptive lifestyle, falseness, and tendency to show off, what is not there in real. Smile on face, with all the materialistic comforts and little emotional pleasure seeking heart, that retains your courage back to try living a life.

No matter what, one could do nothing much, when it hits you harder, then you even think it could exist. That's the time, you get engrossed with all the chaos negates, & try to outreach your own self in ways that could help you out. We all stand there alone, as ourselves as decision makers to pull us out of the hell and stand up' as a hilarious comedian wanting to step on the heaven' kind and generous. We all live a fake life' for not there is one person who could have all, but be happy, and for the one who would have nothing, but still be happy. For tit-bit's of how, why, but and if's haunt us to an early grave, for lucky enough are those who live much more then they every thought they would, and lucky are the ones who resolute dissolving to an early death, with no more pain to bother there mind & heart.

We all just sit there, thinking what could possibly make our life worthy of a living; and we don't even get up of our asses, unconditionally doing the needful, (any thing for that matter - can be as simple as :planting watering plants, feeding animals & birds, trying to save water, electricity, food, & try to feed the less fortunate, making every thing worthy of its use & benefit - not so materialistically). Life is beyond facebook, sex, relationships, food. clothes, etc. the only thing that can make a life worthy is educating thyself to an intellect of spiritual awakening and self consciousness & trying to pass it on to as many as you can. One Life, One Soul, One Body & then a viscous circle of a Molecular Evolution of 8.4 Million Life Times to have this Human Body(Form), Therefore Make it worthy. Sit and think " Who Am I ? And Many Facets that compile of the deeds you did, past, present & the future". One of it's kind - worthy of just being true to your own self, breathing the piousness of a selfish existence.

I don't know what I would be sounding more of, a pessimistic, optimistic or negative - I guess its all in a fraction of time of mood swings that take you from one Pandora to another of a handful-set of emotional dialects of human phenomenon persona.


"Fursat Milti hai to Khwaabgah sey guzar jaati hain hasratein meri, kuch anmol hua karti thin, jo, aaj do kaudi ki ho chali hain, falsafon mein ulaghi qaayanaat-e-fidrat meri".

Translation

"Whenever I get chance, My desires often flee and pass by by this mysterious dreamland of mine. For all the more the merrier meaningful they were at times, seem to have gone worthless. - The busy life of nuances and chaos, I believe have made its way to the passage by in my life & around".- Anonymous

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

AWAKENED House of Night


I Just Tripped on the floor Naked, While going to Cook My Self Dinner, proceeding straight to the Kitchen, after Bath' immediately after Waking up from a Call' that Woke Me Up from a Dream. Not Realizing the Watery floor(I forgot to wipe it off' last time' while Washing Clothes' When I had My Washing Machine pouring out Soapy Water during the process of Me trying to experiment with it's Mechanics for a Faster Job). Besides' They say "Dreams are Not Real". But I just Woke Up from a Dream - Which had me in a Sad State' Damn they are wrong - Hence proved! Ironically (That was last month, but I just couldn't help talking about it)

Let me start by quoting "The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free, for Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.

Listening on to Surrender by Darlene Koldenhoven (Tranquil Times), I guess had nothing more to do beside a sleepless night, with tendencies of emotional and radical-thoroughgoing/extreme syndrome of nocturnal willingness to be awake, though the body was tired, but anxious to write down ta gist of on-going traditional & customary thoughts hanging in there in my mind & heart. Awakened alertness of mind, going to the root or origin of plentiful of thoughts that haunted my very being in the wee hours of this very morning.

Not so Haunted of it, despite I heard some noise in the next door, & all sort of thoughts ran onto my head. Who or what it could be, A Cat of something(fingers crossed, it should just be a Cat). & a thought that strike me, was to wear something (habitual of not wearing much around, being just myself. specially at night, or say most of the time withing the close locked doors & latched windows. What if I was found naked by a robber that came to rob, or someone who came to hunt & kill me down, I smartly wore my boxers and plugged in my earphones to some good music, juggling with my keyboard. Talking to my Self, & enacting if there was someone with me, and I was not alone all by myself. Least bothered about it much later,I decided I should not worry much about it or anything at all, for what is to happen shall happen, and what ought to, is it.

There was not one, but many thoughts involving my very life and the surrounded chaos that made my Life as a whole. My Mind was swinging onto the several situational propositioned dilemmas & alternative possibilities. With Positive & Negative things at my disposal throughout these few days that had kept me engrossed by. I figured Human, Inhuman, Sane & Insane, the daily acts of discussions, chats, meetings, and responsiveness of thy communications made, with several attempts to harness my very own peculiar side of knowing & unknowing. Neighbor's, tenants, friends & foes, stalker's, hawker's & walker's by. living & dead, fauna & flora, happiness, fear, anguish, wisdom, rising & degrading faith in religion, relevance to the consciousness, dreams that had helicopters to people who were strangers & known, emotionally & sensuously luring on to them falling out for them, & making out. & all that, that had no relevance at all - unrelevant that is.   

Several repeated advises to follow & do something about it. One of them was to Read How to Win friends and Influence people, to which I denied having replied' For there was no reason or rhyme for me to get hold of the textual vocabulary of words that went in that piled set of book by Dale, for I have experienced and lived on with a purpose and my purpose had everything human & soulful, for I had a set of friends, & relatives & few people by my side or none coming for my rescue thereof. it did not matter, for I had no one to influence and no thought of giving a single thought to win any friends, for whosoever I ever had, & have by my-side is the most relevant thing in my life at this current phase.For all the ones I knew so far, and was told to keep with, have certainly kept how much I could have had by now, but I guess there is time now, for I don't see it coming from there side, & there comes an end to my side. I am sure the people who know me little or well or very well would agree, when I say' I have been influential and friendly enough leading to a win-win situation all the while, with sort of a person I am, i am sure they would have no offense. I hope the person who asked me to read this suggested and made it read to all others in his family too, because I did not see it coming from a very noble & wise way of someone lately. With due respect to that gentlemen, whom I admire and he stands a strong pillar in hope and will always will, as a family to me,  The Other One was to get Married(No comments as of now on that one, right now, but yes I am giving it a pondering), The third advice was to oblige people with a smile in a sweet way, listen to them, no matter you do your thing,give them a ear. - well I guess it came from someone who had no idea what it meant to oblige people who by no means would change there ill habitual acts of irritating and bothering people with vague uselessness and come to no real conclusive help, redeeming on to no ascertained practicalities of issues. There are only habitual of being in a self esteemed goodness of thinking themselves to be marvelously qualified, back-biting, bitching,with echoes of no self esteem and stubborn idiots is what I call them.

Led Zeppelin's - Stairway to Heaven, just leaded me to a conclusive realization of a guarantee that my place in there was kept safe & booked, for I have been a good boy.

I wont hesitate or be reluctant when it comes in tougher times to enact upon and take a decision, for sure.

"Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level."

Brightening me up, was this Paloma Faith's Black & Blue Song that brought some spirit in me, conjuring up to my very being and bringing me up to a little more pleasant nature of my thoughtfulness, despite the odds (of my earphones acting shitting, one side was playing and other had to be adjusted repeatedly, like my Laptop Charger that was being a useless freak, not letting me charge my Laptop in a continuity).

Well keeping aside all that.

This was one of those several Awakened Nights of the Night & Wee Hour Mornings, that made me subjected to a peculiar thoughtfulness of riding on to my horses & trying to get across to the other side of the world of riddance of the nuances that bothered me & quarrelsome self realizing with self.

Ending it up a quote "If you want to know your past life, look into your present condition; if you want to know your future life, look at your present actions." Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, to my ears, wanting to lay down on the bed and act if I was sleeping, until the early morning led me into a lazy & tired stillness. It ought to be a wonderful morning , in hope that it be, & bring me good pleasant news. - Anonymous

Friday, July 11, 2014

This PERFUME



This Perfume, The One I am wearing, today! after much time, This has it's own sweet story to tell. Where it came from i even don't know. Why? Because, this came as a Parcel, couriered in my name, at my address, by Someone(Mentioned,Name,Address,&Mobile No. inside the Packing), For a moment I thought might be some Online Shopping Parcel thingi, but no, it was not that, then the curiosity & excitement to take something, that came for you, no matter what, is so extreme at that time, that you want to take it and open it. - This one came in a Brown Card Board Rectangular Parcel, with From Text mentioned with a black marker, though I had an urge to text or call the mobile number, of the person it came from, never did. Since the name was not at all familiar from any angle, far far away. & so I decided to name it a gift from a secret admirer. Despite all the odds (not thinking about it at all) I have not much often, but at times, put this one on, since it has a very tacky fragrance, too loud for someone like me, who prefers more of a soft & pleasant one, not the ones that give me a headache.

But whatever it be' I just noticed - it certainly has this Sweet Smiley Effect One Me' Making me feel good - I Wonder they did not had in it poured the Laughing Gas by any mean! WTF' LOL but it's an Awesome Feeling! No, It's only a Smiling Gas, I ain't Laughing Out Loud! Maybe or May Be Not! Burp! (That's of the ' Hakka Friend Rice & Manchurian' that I just had, I am Sorry about that, Excuse Me! - feeling wonderful.

Am a just little lost intoxicated widout the alcohol and I am loving it! hehehehe, there are less a times, u are in a state like this!...(Today, if any enemy would have been there in front of me/beside me, he/she shall have been excuse for all one did, forgetting all the enmity, with a hug) "Aaaj to koi dusham bhi samaney aajyayega usko bhi maaf kar dunga and galey laga lunga (-HindI Translation(Anuvaad) - a Lil Cheesy though!"- hilarious (not that of the usual very me,I see most of the times), its something in the air I guess! I don't know who all to blame, Let thy be a blame-less game/night & thy shall rise n shine putting on the perfume everyday! - & I even did not realized, I was sitting without the fan for all this while, wid the bowl of foodie in my hand (MayBe) - there is something in it Only) Whatever!. Humming to "Aaaj Mausam Bada Baimaan Hai - Aaaj Mausam(The Weather is to fraudulent)(Hindi Bollywood Track) from the Earlie's. - Anonymous

San Burrito

Greetings all from a gray Atlanta, where it is slightly cold but without a trace of the snow and ice nightmare ("Snowpocalypse '011") that had the city in its grips last week. A cat snoozes to my right, a dog snoozes to my left, and I'm eating Cheez-Its (mmm, TBHQ) to recover from a miserable hangover...ahh, I must be home.

The occasion of my visit is a trip to San Francisco I made in order to attend a conference and present our work. The conference was fine, but it was my first time in SF and I was really excited to look around, and fortunately I scheduled myself a couple of days to do so.

I was prepared for rotten weather, as I've heard it can be in the winter, but found a city enjoying sunny 21C/70F temperatures, nothing like the winter at all. I didn't anticipate wanting to be outside much during this trip, but SF was just begging to be explored.

I got in to the city in the early afternoon and checked into my hotel (after walking about 10 blocks in the wrong direction). Trans-global traveler as I now am, I've become accustomed to losing all sense of time and having to quickly adjust to avoid jetlag. The strategy is easy, just a one-step process:

1) stay awake.

This isn't easy when you're presented with a clean, empty bed, but once you think about that city waiting out there, it's a no-brainer. Get out and hit the streets! And so, a man on a mission, I headed for the Mission.

First thing I did when I got there was, patriotic American as I am, to enjoy our national dish:

Holy moly, look at that chow. That burrito was so damn good I might print the picture out and eat it. This was placed before me for the whopping price of US$6 (=AU$6!), world's finest macromicrobrew beer included! The place was Taqueria Pancho Villa on 16th St between Mission and Valencia, named as a joke, I was to learn: the owner is named Francisco Villa, just like the Mexican revolutionary. Unlike his namesake, though, Francisco doesn't earn the nickname "Pancho", which roughly translates as "Fatty". But the place was bedecked with images of El Comandante, including this unbelievable "bronze" bust:

Imagine having that in your house. Your north Mexican landowner dinner guests would shit their pants and run in fright back to their latifundias.

The Mission is also home to some famous graffiti walls:

Lovely stuff, especially when you're full on Mexican food, giddy about being in a Spanish-speaking country again, delirious from 20 hours of flying, and many dollars poorer after visiting Mission Workshop (coming soon to Australia, they told me).

After browsing the rest of the things on offer in the Mission---826 Valencia, bookstores and coffee shops---I wound my way back to the Tenderloin, where I was staying, and managed to keep myself awake until a respectable 10PM.

The conference nominally started the next day---Saturday---but when I went down to the Convention Center (the Moscone Center, named after the SF Mayor that was killed with Harvey Milk) I realized that there wasn't much going on, so I picked up my conference materials and walked toward the Bay. Along Market St, I came across these excellent examples of public art outside an office building:

These fantastic, Tim Burton-esque pieces, called "Moonrise", are by Ugo Rondinone. Much more dramatic and competent photos of these pieces can be seen here.

My stroll took me out to the Ferry Terminal, a perfect spot to enjoy what was turning into a glorious morning. Looking east from the Terminal, the Bay Bridge was a delight to behold: and, behind me, lay the Financial District, looking prim and proper:

A bunch of stereotypes with legs, the natives joined me en masse at the Ferry Terminal that morning for a farmer's market. There they were, wearing their fleece vests, sampling artisan cheeses and gasping at the sight of organic parsnips. I was truly in the thick of westcoastness. And yes, I made it out alive, sallying forth along the Embarcadero toward Fisherman's Wharf, where flocks of tourists are greeted by an overgrown, grown-over crab-friend-and then get to feast their eyes (and abuse their noses) on these guys:

These chunky customers have taken over Pier 39 and while away the days howling, barking, and sleeping in a real pile when they're not shoving each other off the platform. I missed videotaping that but here are some placid moments:

In the distance lay The Rock, القطرس*:

*Note: wanna get stuck into a mind-bending Wikipedia wormhole? Try doing the etymology on "Alcatraz" and "albatross".

That self-same day, I managed to climb the hills to Lombard St, "The Steepest Street in America", then down again, then up again to the San Francisco Art Institute, where in 1931 Diego Rivera left a hell of a calling card:

This painting-within-a-painting features Diego and his artist friends, and several anonymous workers, painting and sculpting images of a giant worker/engineer, depicting him as the person on whom society depends. In those heady days of epic struggle, Rivera and his sympathizers had invested their hopes for a better world in the international working class and left this as a clear message: even our monuments should be seen as the outcome of a collaborative process of production.

The Art Institute (built around an old convent) features another spectacular attraction, the vista from its roof:

There, in the center of the photo, you see Telegraph Hill, topped by the famous fire-nozzle of Coit Tower. It was my next destination:

Wasn't that quick? Actually, I stopped on the way to grab some famous focaccia from Liguria in North Beach and scarfed it when I reached the top of the hill.

The tower was commissioned at the bequest of Lillie Hitchcock Coit (talk about your tongue-twister names) and built in 1933 to honor the city's firefighters. The New Deal Public Works of Art Project also commissioned fresco murals in the lobby of the tower from San Francisco artists. Deemed "communistic" at the time, the murals depict the daily life of toilers across the state, from fruit-pickers to slaughterhouse workers to city-dwellers, and address contemporary issues such as the stock market crash and increasing social polarization. Two of the murals were actually considered too provocative to show to the public and so were destroyed before the Tower could be opened. Most of the murals are clearly in the style of Rivera, though some tend more toward romantic visions of the American countryside (and are therefore pretty boring). In one scene, people read newspapers in a library; the headlines spell financial crisis, industrial struggle, and dark news from Europe. In response, a man reaches for a tome:

And that was one of the murals that was saved from destruction! Overall the murals are amazing and worth the climb to the Tower. They really give you a sense of the city's radical history long before the 60s. The Tower itself was closed, unfortunately, so I couldn't go up. My camera also died at this point so I couldn't take more mural photos, but more can be found with a little Googling.

I wound my way back town the hill and through North Beach, stopping at City Lights bookstore for a stickybeak and Vesuvio for a pint. Walking out of the bar and turning the next corner, the scenery changed abruptly:

That's right, San Francisco has a Little Sydney!

Actually, they call it "Chinatown". All kidding aside, this might be the prototype Chinatown (with the exception of China itself, of course) and still claims to be the biggest one in the West. I'm not sure how these things are judged, because Sydney claims to have, I believe, the second biggest Chinatown in the West, but the Chinatown in New York seems bigger than the SF one to me in terms of area and population, so that would put Sydney at #3 at best. I also doubt that Sydney is even that high. Regardless, this one presented streets as bustling as any I'd seen in the city and the familiar sights and smells of China-Towns everywhere.

I definitely took the opportunity to grab some steamed veg dumplings as a little pre-dinner snack and simply strode around, a gleeful smirk on my face, my feet aching from two massive days of rambling. My belly a veritable culinary UN, I sauntered off to my hotel, delighted to have a week of San Francisco's cosmopolitan offerings yet to come. - Anonymous

Sunday, June 29, 2014

BEING YOUR - Own Muse

"The sun shines not on us but in us. The rivers flow not past, but through us, thrilling, tingling, vibrating every fiber and cell of the substance of our bodies, making them glide and sing."

There is this little time, or all of the time, that you could possibly send with your own self - self indulgence, and not even wanting to socialize, or step out of your four walled ecstasy of pampered & self-sufficient roofed musings! - One Life; & we don't have much of time in our hands' there could be nothing other then, knowing you & possibly sufficing you in yourself as the substitute/complimentary gift to your own realization to self/soul - I have only learned this as the best of a past time, worthy of anything, everything else. There exists no one in person, other then your own very self, who could possibly know you best (bad/good), you have the whole world in your head & heart you could empty your self too,filling your own very self with all thy. that ever exists.

Become aware of how your beliefs and emotions color your perception of different events in your life. See if you can begin to step out of your fabrications to experience the truth and spaciousness of what is.

Rather thunder on in bleak resistance, Swift to spoil and rigorous to deny,Than as thus to veil the sullen distance, With thy bleared and tear-stained sky.

As they say it never stop's - There it has started me again, on the verge and hunt to seek calmness of mind with a spoonful of patience, appreciation, thankfulness and peace, reaching out to all the more I could! Deeper into an understanding of enlightenment and learned, taught, and experienced faith into,onto something or nothing at all. Just looking to seek more spiritual awakening and religious piousness - true belief's into actions and more! One Life it is , a very less traveled when it comes to living it. What you are, is what you be, and what you be is what you see yourself as, not matters what and how they, seek,take,see you as, you are what you make of yourself & live. You got to believe into something. I am going to Change a bit of things for good ,that suit me, I am going to be better, I am going to be just Me. I am going to live, & make it worth. My Soul is my Best Friend, and I would never be deceiving it for no matter what it be, For I is always a We for Me & it has & shall always be like that.

Ere the limes with ruddy spear-points glimmer, Ere the greenness leap from bush to bush, While the starveling grass grows dim and dimmer,And the folded snowdrops push;

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

I is always a "We for Me" & There is More to it - Anonymous

A Sunday Morning - IT USED TO BE

Ever wondered what "one tongue" told to another - either one had to shut up, by all means' while the other blahed. No wonder, if either way it did not stopped, & continued blabbering, resulting in for sure a endless fight, what a plight! Nevertheless ears would have had come in handy' coming to rescue, unless there was a ear to ear fight all together' - Spare me the horror - There's been too much of Speaking, & too much of Hearing. (I have been speaking to myself & hearing myself - It just needs to shut the fuck up)


There were those days when I used to have a Sleepy Sunday - A Dreamy Sunday, with a Pin Drop Silence, Away from all the Activities & Chores of Life, Cuddled in the_Bed, with only One Socks on one Foot Since Could not find the Other One (Still had to search for it & get it on), Inside the Blanket doing just nothing & only Sleeping. (With some missed calls & missed SMS) and all that, that must have went & passed by during the same. Relaxed & Rest at Peace thy mind became,thereafter, after struggling to find lot of answers to lot of questions, and things in the head and heart that moved from one platform to another. Provoking instilled Memories and Thought Processes that hit you at times while you are on to yourself, alone,and so on. Away from the Social Networking, Now all set to confront the Monday Musings, with some list of things to do! Some work here and there, Some things to Sort and so on! Enough of ignoring lot of things lately ,I am hopefully willing to attend thy chores, but thy uncertainties hold me back.

And at times' "There's This That Happens & There's That, That Happens. Goes On & On"- I often find myself troubled and messed up at wrong hours. I might be on medicines, for headaches, crying with subconscious state of emotionally tormented dreams that wonder for the little while that I sleep & haunt me until I sit up, trying to make sense of. Shuffling myself from one side of bed to another, trying to crave for anything that could pacify me for the moment. From one troublesome hour to another. All because - I like the petite geometric of a busy life at times, which calms me down and I stand again and live. There then you can certainly Google down and find a reason to live, else it's all just a waste. Times you tend to feel giving an end to the fucked up' nuances, and then at a flick, you find reasons to let it go, and keep moving. You conjure yourself ,you suffice yourself, you find & compliment materialistic pleasures that give you food for thought for a while and then there is this certain pause, that passes it all by, and then the viscous circle goes on. No matter how small' I have a wonderful brighter side of my soul that makes me live, in this whole varied chaos & I am trying to. - On top of that, this heat bothers me.


Been on a Off Mode for a while, Been disturbingly busy with other Out of No Where, piled Up Business Nuances that I had to attend, in the midst of this Summery Weather, Bundles up the chores of hectic schedule and tiresome lazy, ill metaphors. Juggling between the Important & the least' I have been measuring up in keeping up to the so called Living up to it - Syndrome with faith still instilled & gratitude, with content - fingers crossed.

"What Silence Said"-They say Quiet the mind, and the Soul will Speak - My Soul is so fed up of the UnQuite Mind, that it wants to leave thy Body' or else wants to shoot the head."Beautiful Face, Begins to Fade".

As if" a PnP Device Me' Plugged In Plugged Out/Charged Discharged - Life.

There are Times, Is Time, A Moment, when you completely feel lost, in the midst of Living a Life, You Seek to Question the very Logic of Reasoning & Nothing there is that remains bad, or good for long, but you still seek to find a solution to Refuge Yourself to the best possible ways, in the best possible means. With Certainties and uncertainties that bed you all the way, and you fall down & lift up, dream, rationalize the thought process of your mind, with whole lot of things that tumble upon you, fatigue & distract you, stagnate & please you, at the same time. Future ,Present & Past in a existence that you find your soul all inside a flesh,with bony structure of anatomy that lives & die's. The Same World, different soul's, varied bodies, human & inhumane differences in a sociocultural generation. Death to Life , & Life to Death is a parallel platformed , less Time to more of Time, & vice verse , meanwhile you figure all of this, you are in a position to have lived the most of it, & you settle down for whatever however if & but'.

"Life is a Bitch - Who Let the Dogs Out.Bow Wow."

"Trying to find solace, with the spiritual enlightenment, so Religiously, that I have been dreaming about it randomly altogether. I have been waking up to the chants, and bell rings, images of of all the Gods & Goddesses that ever existed to my conscious mind, and feeding on to my wisdom & thought with prayers - hand-folded me,bowed down - trying to relate, learn & know thy greatness of the heavenly abode, in the midst of tolerance of the chaos, that bundles me up, and packs me, suffocates me and throws me down with negativity ".

If not all days' I do wish I had one Sunday morning, (I so wish, everyday was a Sunday, though) where I could just lie silent, peacefully relaxed, with smile on my face, knowing all is going to be just all right, and I would not let the faith & hope go away - My soul taking refuge, underneath my body grounded down to this earth, with sky above, with air & fire etc -  Breathe. - Anonymous.

Monday, June 9, 2014

The Rainbow.My Re-Union

My Beliefs(few based on the ones I have been filled with, few taught, few experienced, few learned, few witnessed) are caricature of my emotional very being, my emotions run around the colors of my existence. I cant rule out any one of it' for they are so complimentary. I would have no color, if I had no belief' I would have no belief if there was no color. My perceptions would be baseless if I had no fondness evolved involving the beliefs I had. I live until I believe' the ay I stop believing I would not live anymore. The more I trust on the beliefs ,more concrete they exist to me. The more colorful my emotions turn on. Experience and learned - I would not have a baseless belief' though thy shall have no color. the more the merrier either of them complimenting each other.

There been times, I have witnessed quite a repulsive, contradictory, yet practical, logical answers to my beliefs, with colors in full swing, and colorless hues. We often step out of our fabrications in quest of the truth & spaciousness of what is' & yet I have been more happier to my beliefs' that haunt me no further, and keep me alive, for I question no more to thy' I feel content with whatsoever they tell me' & stay with me' coloring my perceptions in a more grey shades of my evolution, insistence & living.

Well I am Happily [Married] to my Thoughts, Knowledge, Learning, Ideology, Values & Experience after being Separated & Divorced from the Social stigma of an uneventful union of marriage. I have Kids (as responsibilities of people & things attached to me) - that I take care of. Moreover I have My Self, with the humans & inhuman,,supernaturals and the nature, normal, abnormal and so on, adding more to the daily involved chores of tricky, vague, tacky listed agendas, - I have learned to live an eventful busy life, with all the time i spend knowing myself & self realizing on to things & people. Growing & Learning, Living.

A Loner finds a way with what all he can get and has to be busy in content, keeping peace balancing pace with the so called little socializing, living all my oneself, to the best possibilities of no regret.

I am in a Relationship with myself and my life and everything that summons it all up pretty loud & clear - few silent, few whispered, few told & let out. Now I better shut-up. - Anonymous





A Self Realized Critic-Scribbled Story

One fine sunny evening' I waited & waited, but there was no rain, Meanwhile,I tell you my story that I scribbled in vein. With ease and comfort, paralleled to my feel, I wish for all the love, and comfort that could thy heal. A little tenderness & comfort that I could steal, for I did not know who could possibly lend me some, who had the zeal.

Self Realization was the best invention and discovery that led me to know my existence and beliefs of righteous and wrong. For not always had I been a sage with perfect ratio of human tendencies' of performance in intellect and obligatory socio stigmatized demands. As I grew, my stagnated knowledge gained experience and I was fascinated with urges and materialistic comfort, then suddenly, my inner-self guided me to a more wiser me' & l knew,I would and not change how someone was to believe in ones own perceptiveness , who,what and how I was. I have made my points clear, all the only thing matters to me the most is my transparency with the spirits and souls' animals and the birds, human and not so human beings. I still look upon the sky to study the geometric's of a cloudy sketch, a starry calligraphy, rain drops, rainbow and sun and the moon. For a phase gone, new came by, night that passes by, had been shy, giving way to the witty morning sky., disclosing much ,reserved a few, droplets tender of a dawny dew. Not many that could stand the sight, for few are those, en route to plight. Life and death is part of the game, though shall exist making worth thy name.

"If you had a friend who talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, would you continue to hang around with that person?" Thanks to the power of our inner critics, most of us have a very poor opinion of ourselves. Yet self- contempt merely keeps us miserable and stuck in our mediocrity. "Unkind criticism is never part of a meaningful critique of you. Its purpose is not to teach or to help, its purpose is to punish." - Anonymous

Sunday, May 4, 2014

I am just a -"Little BIRD"

This sudden, perennial(lasting for an indefinitely long time) interest and surprising this fleeting(passing swiftly/transitory) attention, without zero false pretense(pretending, artificial,not real) and here, this moment, erased suddenly while my excitement grew over time, the soul has forgotten the child for a new face(new things & people/materialistic comfort), with uncertain outlines I do despite(hate/insult/ in spite of; notwithstanding) my heart, make a little lack of fervor(great warmth and intensity of emotion), must slow down the fire(anguish)-Just the illusion of one be, transparent without transcendent(exceeding usual limits,surpassing/extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience) attire(fine elegant clothes).

I force myself in vain to meditate on the mysteries of the rosary; I don't succeed in fixing my mind on them. For a long time I was desolate(deserted, joyless, uninhabited, sorrowful) about this lack of devotion which astonished me, Sometimes when my mind is in such aridity(being without moisture; extremely dry; parched: arid land; an arid climate) that it is impossible to draw forth one single thought to unite me with God.

I am going to recount certain little struggles which will certainly make you smile. (It's just between you and me though)

I am far from being a saint, and what I have just said is proof of this; instead of rejoicing, for example, at my aridity, I should attribute it to my little fervor and lack of fidelity(the quality or state of being faithful/accuracy in details : exactness); I should be desolate for having slept for years. I am not desolate. I remember that little children are as pleasing to their parents when they are asleep as well as when they are wide awake; I remember, too, that when they perform operations, doctors put their patients to sleep.

Your little bird is happy to be weak and little. What would become of it if it were big? Yes, this is still one of the weaknesses of the little bird: when it wants to fix its gaze upon the Divine Sun, and when the clouds prevent it from seeing a single ray of that Sun, in spite of itself, its little eyes close, its little head is hidden beneath its wing, and the poor little thing falls asleep, believing all the time that it is fixing its gaze upon its Dear Star. When it awakens, it doesn’t feel desolate; its little heart is at peace and it begins once again its work of love. It calls upon the angels and saints who rise like eagles before the consuming Fire, and since this is the object of the little bird’s desire the eagles take pity on it, protecting and defending it, and putting to flight at the same time the vultures who want to devour it. These vultures are the demons whom the little bird doesn’t fear, for it is not destined to be their prey but the prey of the Eagle whom it contemplates in the center of the Sun of Love. - Anonymous

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A "UFO" from NASA

Here’s a chat, that went through in between “You” & “Me”’ - good that it was a decent one, and a polite, kind hearten one, but at the end’ “Me” had few answers waiting, to come from “You”& before it could, “Me” was blocked by “You” - & there was the end to the so called knowing, unfolding all the  the folds of curiosities & butterflies being built of a new friend, a new world all together (hard for a emotional soul to digest, who mistook the other person to be genuinely real(presuming), unknowingly by default.

Having a conversation with a stranger, and people would be in desperate need of friends, & social networking(as real as they show, it to be as), but they would maintain there privacy(understandable), but on the contrary in honor to prove there falseness, shall no more be human enough, and fake it all. From a one day friend of knowing & unknowing a strange(who shall not even be fake on the other side of the virtual world) - I guess this is some kind of a protocol’ we all are learning to grasp all the attention to our so called fake looks, fake display pictures, & a attention seeking(hiding human psyche, seeking refuge and comfort in the virtual world, afraid to come out-what a shame, what a pity), 21st Century, with the advent of everything that’s coming in handy, we have & are more and more deeply getting thicker on the outer-self(shell), & thinner inside-loosing everything(hope,humanity,ourselves), with layers of time wasting, paradoxes of lies, and nothing but lies.

Here’s the whole conversation.

<Me> hi-bye <You> Hi then bye, wow nice to meet you <Me> hehe nice to meet you too sweetheart. God bless you <You> Haha, how are you by the way <Me> I am fine my dear, you tell me , how are you, what you up to <You> Me also fine, Is your study life completed <Me> yes study life completed <You> Then what do you do now dear <Me> I don’t do anything, I am free as a bird. Eat, drink, sleep and talk to my self. I live all by my self alone, breathe and that's all I do. as of now* <You> You talk to yourself! Are you crazy <Me> Dude the best thing one could do is a self realization, and self realization only comes from experiences, once, you are connected with yourself you are connected with God. and you don’t need to connect with anyone else that matters. <You> Oh I see Do you teach me how to connect with myself bro <Me> Sure its simple, you need patience, you need to devote yourself fully' <You> Then what to do? <Me> So you are in a relationship right and also alone, & are you on Whats App? <You> Well,dude I am a member of NASA, but could never see such a crazy human like you, you've something special I think, keep it up <Me> That's brilliant!, everyone who can see him / herself first, and know the faults and eagerness to the materialistic comfort and control the urges, learn form mistakes, can see the world, see everything everywhere, you just need to understand the logic and everything shall fall into place, one by one. <You> Yeah, may be you are right dude <Me> Since everything everyone and everyplace is destined for all of it to happen, at the right time, given/before time, its just a life, that goes and ends and then there is the beginning again. for once you start to begin yourself from the time you breathe, you would achieve what one should. <You> Are you a bishop? <Me> No I am not, I am just a normal average guy, <You> Oh, then how do you experience them? I think to earn this knowledge u sacrificed lots in your past life <Me> Well its life that teaches you, i guess one needs to just sit and realize what potentially one wants to learn experience and in what track one would find a sufficing answer to ones queries, and then everything comes to you one by one, u don’t need to search its already there. when we take out our time from other useless things, we spend good quality time on the more decent ones. <You> I salute u brother, no matter what I am, you are much above than me to realize this world. You'll be sm1 special in your coming future, I can see it <Me> Stay in touch, awww thanks buddy I feel already special different from the world <You> Yeah you are <Me> (my number) stay in touch <You> I don’t use Whats App bro, and the number is my student's, as a member of NASA I've too many friends, and gf's ,I feel bore with them so take a dongle, for Facebook-ing and Google searching <Me> awww I see, okay/ never mind, now you have me here! hugs <You> Hugs! <Me>  that's cute <You> Yeah for you my special friend <Me> awww...you are so special to me too my dear “Khoob Bhaalo” (Too Good) <You> U know Bengali but how?! <Me> I know a little bit of all the languages bondhu(friend) <You> Oh you are really great By the way what is your name bondhu? <Me> Well what’s in the name, my soul and heart is more pure then the name I was given. that to I did not choose. so here I am , with a no name tag, for you call me anything you want. Bandhu/Sakha/Mitra(friend) <You> You say, can I call u great friend (gf) <Me> sure you can call me anything my dear that brings smile on your face and happiness in your heart. <You> Ok gf good night for now I've a project on physics <Me> <Me> sure buddy! study hard, and complete your project. with all your best! <You> It was very nice to meet you <Me> happy physics to you same here keep smiling cheers lovely talking to you my dearest. <You> Yeah, thanks hugs <Me> hugs...tight ones. have a wonderful night & day ahead. shubh ratri(good night) <You> Bye take care of you bro <Me>  sure I will, you too. bro (gf) hehe lol <You> Hehe lolz <Me>

Later...

<Me>How’s Physics treating u this morning? buddy? <You> Very nicely dear ,good morning, I am talking with my sister now, I will be here after some time. <Me> ok sure morning. <You> Can I suggest u some friends? awww...well no! I am happy with a list of friends that I have. see that’s how I found you...right! life is good with the real people who are there to talk meet listen, share, sing, play and above all are real and know you well, and u know them well. thanks for asking, my dearest (gf)  <You> But trust me they are also gfs(great friends) ,they are also special. <Me> awww, hehe...hmmm...well. okey let us figure that out then! <You> Yeah <Me>Buddy..,why don’t I see more pictures of you, except just one picture in your display. <You> I see...That's for my privacy setting. <me> but I would love to see...would you let me see you more. <You> But dear if I unlock those I get too much messages, friend requests, and I think they are so much irritating. <Me> you can unblock it only for me, so I can see it. Right, you don’t have to do it for everyone i just want to see my special friend. <You> Either I have to unblock it for all or I have to block it for all, this is FB's condition. Dear I've nothing to do here <You> You can unblock it for 5 minutes, let me see and you can block it again else there are custom settings where you can make them visible to selected n hide from the rest.  I wont force u.  <You>  Its time to telling the truth, In the past I've a gay friend, I called him brother but I don't know why he can't realize the value of the relation, all is he want from me is sex and till now he is crazy about that, if I will unblock my pictures, he will comment some crazy thing on them.<Me> I understand tat buddy. 5 minutes, just want have a look at  the pictures, wont comment either, no one shall notice in 5 minutes, all I want to know is out of curiosity who & what my friend is. <You>  No dear I can't sorry <Me> Can you share some of your pictures in here then if you don’t want to  unlock your album i guess there’s no harm , no one would see your pictures or comment then and in this way I would see you.

With no reverts on the queries of “Me” furthermore, “You” blocked him, and this was the End to the Conversation with a Stranger, that was fake. Learning from that, “You just can’t be sure every time(most of the time) taking & considering anyone vouching to be genuine for a guarantee(doubtful about what sex one was(male/female/other), hacker, spammer or a UFO from outer space. (next time you chat). For this person might or might not be an Unidentified person/object from NASA, or no "N.A.S.A" -"Not As it Seldom Appears"(as told), I would consider him/her/it to be a U.F.O (Unfriendly/Unfaithful One for Sure. Damn it.  - Anonymous